the autobiography of a quack-第11部分

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surgeons　require。　Of　course　I　was　prudent　and　he　careful；　but　at　last；　on　his　proving　to　me　that　there　was　no　risk；　I　agreed　to　expend　his　money；　his　friends'；　and　my　own　up　to　twenty…five　hundred　dollars。　I　saw　the　other　men；　one　of　them　a　rebel　captain。　I　was　well　pleased　with　the　venture；　and　resolved　for　obvious　reasons　to　go　with　them　on　the　steamer。　It　was　a　promising　investment；　and　I　am　free　to　reflect　that　in　this；　as　in　some　other　things；　I　have　been　free　from　vulgar　prejudices。　I　bought　all　that　we　needed；　and　was　well　satisfied　when　it　was　cleverly　stowed　away　in　the　hold。

We　were　to　sail　on　a　certain　Thursday　morning　in　September；　1863。　I　sent　my　trunk　to　the　vessel；　and　went　down　the　evening　before　we　were　to　start　to　go　on　board；　but　found　that　the　little　steamer　had　been　hauled　out　from　the　pier。　The　captain；　who　met　me　at　this　time；　endeavored　to　get　a　boat　to　ferry　us　to　the　ship；　but　a　gale　was　blowing；　and　he　advised　me　to　wait　until　　morning。　My　associates　were　already　on　board。　Early　next　day　I　dressed　and　went　to　the　captain's　room；　which　proved　to　be　empty。　I　was　instantly　filled　with　doubt；　and　ran　frantically　to　the　Long　Wharf；　where；　to　my　horror；　I　could　see　no　signs　of　the　vessel　or　captain。　Neither　have　I　ever　set　eyes　on　them　from　that　time　to　this。　I　thought　of　lodging　information　with　the　police　as　to　the　unpatriotic　design　of　the　rascal　who　swindled　me；　but　on　the　whole　concluded　that　it　was　best　to　hold　my　tongue。

It　was；　as　I　perceived；　such　utterly　spilt　milk　as　to　be　little　worth　lamenting；　and　I　therefore　set　to　work；　with　my　accustomed　energy；　to　utilize　on　my　own　behalf　the　resources　of　my　medical　education；　which　so　often　before　had　saved　me　from　want。　The　war；　then　raging　at　its　height；　appeared　to　offer　numerous　opportunities　to　men　of　talent。　The　path　which　I　chose　was　apparently　a　humble　one；　but　it　enabled　me　to　make　very　practical　use　of　my　professional　knowledge；　and　afforded　for　a　time　rapid　and　secure　returns；　without　any　other　investment　than　a　little　knowledge　cautiously　employed。　In　the　first　place；　I　deposited　my　small　remnant　of　property　in　a　safe　bank。　Then　I　went　to　　Providence；　where；　as　I　had　heard；　patriotic　persons　were　giving　very　large　bounties　in　order；　I　suppose；　to　insure　the　government　the　services　of　better　men　than　themselves。　On　my　arrival　I　lost　no　time　in　offering　myself　as　a　substitute；　and　was　readily　accepted；　and　very　soon　mustered　into　the　Twentieth　Rhode　Island。　Three　months　were　passed　in　camp；　during　which　period　I　received　bounty　to　the　extent　of　six　hundred　and　fifty　dollars；　with　which　I　tranquilly　deserted　about　two　hours　before　the　regiment　left　for　the　field。　With　the　product　of　my　industry　I　returned　to　Boston；　and　deposited　all　but　enough　to　carry　me　to　New　York；　where　within　a　month　I　enlisted　twice；　earning　on　each　occasion　four　hundred　dollars。

After　this　I　thought　it　wise　to　try　the　same　game　in　some　of　the　smaller　towns　near　to　Philadelphia。　I　approached　my　birthplace　with　a　good　deal　of　doubt；　but　I　selected　a　regiment　in　camp　at　Norristown；　which　is　eighteen　miles　away。　Here　I　got　nearly　seven　hundred　dollars　by　entering　the　service　as　a　substitute　for　an　editor；　whose　pen；　I　presume；　was　mightier　than　his　sword。　I　was；　however；　disagreeably　surprised　by　being　hastily　forwarded　to　the　front　under　a　foxy　　young　lieutenant；　who　brutally　shot　down　a　poor　devil　in　the　streets　of　Baltimore　for　attempting　to　desert。　At　this　point　I　began　to　make　use　of　my　medical　skill；　for　I　did　not　in　the　least　degree　fancy　being　shot；　either　because　of　deserting　or　of　not　deserting。　It　happened；　therefore；　that　a　day　or　two　later；　while　in　Washington；　I　was　seized　in　the　street　with　a　fit；　which　perfectly　imposed　upon　the　officer　in　charge；　and　caused　him　to　leave　me　at　the　Douglas　Hospital。　Here　I　found　it　necessary　to　perform　fits　about　twice　a　week；　and　as　there　were　several　real　epileptics　in　the　ward；　I　had　a　capital　chance　of　studying　their　symptoms；　which；　finally；　I　learned　to　imitate　with　the　utmost　cleverness。

I　soon　got　to　know　three　or　four　men　who；　like　myself；　were　personally　averse　to　bullets；　and　who　were　simulating　other　forms　of　disease　with　more　or　less　success。　One　of　them　suffered　with　rheumatism　of　the　back；　and　walked　about　like　an　old　man；　another；　who　had　been　to　the　front；　was　palsied　in　the　right　arm。　A　third　kept　open　an　ulcer　on　the　leg；　rubbing　in　a　little　antimonial　ointment；　which　I　bought　at　fifty　cents；　and　sold　him　at　five　dollars　a　box。

A　change　in　the　hospital　staff　brought　all　of　us　to　grief。　The　new　surgeon　was　a　quiet；　gentlemanly　person；　with　pleasant　blue　eyes　and　clearly　cut　features；　and　a　way　of　looking　at　you　without　saying　much。　I　felt　so　safe　myself　that　I　watched　his　procedures　with　just　that　kind　of　enjoyment　which　one　clever　man　takes　in　seeing　another　at　work。

The　first　inspection　settled　two　of　us。

‘‘Another　back　case；''　said　the　assistant　surgeon　to　his　senior。

‘‘Back　hurt　you？''　says　the　latter；　mildly。

‘‘Yes；　sir；　run　over　by　a　howitzer；　ain't　never　been　able　to　stand　straight　since。''

‘‘A　howitzer！''　says　the　surgeon。　‘‘Lean　forward；　my　man；　so　as　to　touch　the　floor　so。　That　will　do。''　Then　turning　to　his　aid；　he　said；　‘‘Prepare　this　man's　discharge　papers。''

‘‘His　discharge；　sir？''

‘‘Yes；　I　said　that。　Who's　next？''

‘‘Thank　you；　sir；''　groaned　the　man　with　the　back。　‘‘How　soon；　sir；　do　you　think　it　will　be？''

‘‘Ah；　not　less　than　a　month；''　replied　the　surgeon；　and　passed　on。

Now；　as　it　was　unpleasant　to　be　bent　like　the　letter　C；　and　as　the　patient　presumed　that　　his　discharge　was　secure；　he　naturally　allowed　himself　a　little　relaxation　in　the　way　of　becoming　straighter。　Unluckily；　those　nice　blue　eyes　were　everywhere　at　all　hours；　and　one　fine　morning　Smithson　was　appalled　at　finding　himself　in　a　detachment　bound　for　the　field；　and　bearing　on　his　descriptive　list　an　ill…natured　indorsement　about　his　malady。

The　surgeon　came　next　on　O'Callahan；　standing；　like　each　of　us；　at　the　foot　of　his　own　bed。

‘‘I've　paralytics　in　my　arm；''　he　said；　with　intention　to　explain　his　failure　to　salute　his　superior。

‘‘Humph！''　said　the　surgeon；　‘‘you　have　another　hand。''

‘‘An'　it's　not　the　rigulation　to　saloot　with　yer　left；''　said　the　Irishman；　with　a　grin；　while　the　patients　around　us　began　to　smile。

‘‘How　did　it　happen？''　said　the　surgeon。

‘‘I　was　shot　in　the　shoulder；''　answered　the　patient；　‘‘about　three　months　ago；　sir。　I　haven't　stirred　it　since。''

The　surgeon　looked　at　the　scar。

‘‘So　recently？''　said　he。　‘‘The　scar　looks　older；　and；　by　the　way；　doctor；''to　his　junior；‘‘it　could　not　have　gone　near　the　nerves。　Bring　the　battery；　orderly。''

In　a　few　moments　the　surgeon　was　testing　one　after　another；　the　various　muscles。　At　last　he　stopped。　‘‘Send　this　man　away　with　the　next　detachment。　Not　a　word；　my　man。　You　are　a　rascal；　and　a　disgrace　to　honest　men　who　have　been　among　bullets。''

The　man　muttered　something；　I　did　not　hear　what。

‘‘Put　this　man　in　the　guard…house；''　cried　the　surgeon；　and　so　passed　on　without　smile　or　frown。

As　to　the　ulcer　case；　to　my　amusement　he　was　put　in　bed；　and　his　leg　locked　up　in　a　wooden　splint；　which　effectually　prevented　him　from　touching　the　part　diseased。　It　healed　in　ten　days；　and　he　too　went　as　food　for　powder。

The　surgeon　asked　me　a　few　questions；　and　requesting　to　be　sent　for　during　my　next　fit；　left　me　alone。

I　was；　of　course；　on　my　guard；　and　took　care　to　have　my　attacks　only　during　his　absence；　or　to　have　them　over　before　he　arrived。　At　length；　one　morning；　in　spite　of　my　care；　he　chanced　to　enter　the　ward　as　I　fell　on　the　floor。　I　was　laid　on　the　bed；　apparently　in　strong　convulsions。　Presently　I　felt　a　finger　on　my　eyelid；　and　as　it　was　raised；　saw　the　　surgeon　standing　beside　me。　To　escape　his　scrutiny　I　became　more　violent　in　my　motions。　He　stopped　a　moment　and　looked　at　me　steadily。　‘‘Poor　fellow！''　said　he；　to　my　great　relief；　as　I　felt　at　once　that　I　had　successfully　deceived　him。　Then　he　turned　to　the　ward　doctor　and　remarked：　‘‘Take　care　he　does　not　hurt　his　head　against　the　bed；　and；　by　the　by；　doctor；　do　you　remember　the　test　we　applied　in　Carstairs's　case？　Just　tickle　the　soles　of　his　feet　and　see　if　it　will　cause　those　backward　spasms　of　the　head。''

The　aid　obeyed　him；　and；　very　naturally；　I　jerked　my　head　backward　as　hard　as　I　could。

‘‘That　will　answer；''　said　the　surgeon；　to　my　horror。　‘‘A　clever　rogue。　Send　him　to　the　guard…house。''

Happy　had　I　been　had　my　ill　luck　ended　here；　but　as　I　crossed　the　yard　an　officer　stopped　me。　To　my　disgust；　it　was　the　captain　of　my　old　Rhode　Island　company。

‘‘Hello！''　said　he；　‘‘keep　that　fellow　safe。　I　know　him。''

To　cut　short　a　long　story；　I　was　tried；　convicted；　and　forced　to　refund　the　Rhode　Island　bounty；　for　by　ill　luck　they　found　my　bank…　book　among　my　papers。　I　was　finally　sent　　to　Fort　Delaware　and　kept　at　hard　labor；　handling　and　carrying　shot；　policing　the　ground；　picking　up　cigar…stumps；　and　other　light；　unpleasant　occupations。

When　the　war　was　over　I　was　released。　I　went　at　once　to　Boston；　where　I　had　about　four　hundred　dollars　in　bank。　I　spent　nearly　all　of　this　sum　before　I　could　satisfy　the　accumulated　cravings　of　a　year　and　a　half　without　drink　or　tobacco；　or　a　decent　meal。　I　was　about　to　engage　in　a　little　business　as　a　vender　of　lottery　policies　when　I　first　began　to　feel　a　strange　sense　of　lassitude；　which　soon　increased　so　as　quite　to　disable　me　from　work　of　any　kind。　Month　after　month　passed　away；　while　my　money　lessened；　and　this　terrible　sense　of　weariness　went　on　from　bad　to　worse。　At　last　one　day；　after　nearly　a　year　had　elapsed；　I　perceived　on　my　face　a　large　brown　patch　of　color；　in　consequence　of　which　I　went　in　some　alarm　to　consult　a　well…known　physician。　He　asked　me　a　multitude　of　tiresome　questions；　and　at　last　wrote　off　a　prescription；　which　I　immediately　read。　It　was　a　preparation　of　arsenic。

‘‘What　do　you　think；''　said　I；　‘‘is　the　matter　with　me；　doctor？''

‘‘I　am　afraid；''　said　he；　‘‘that　you　have　a　　very　serious　troublewhat　we　call　Addison's　disease。''

‘‘What's　that？''　said　I。

‘‘I　do　not　think　you　would　comprehend　it；''　he　replied；　‘‘it　is　an　affection　of　the　suprarenal　capsules。''

I　d