boyhood-第15部分

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loda　always　seemed　ashamed　of　my　innocent　behaviour；　and　still　more　so　of　my　youthfulness。　As　for　Prince　Nechludoff；　he　was　in　no　way　handsome；　since　neither　his　small　grey　eyes；　his　low；　projecting　forehead；　nor　his　disproportionately　long　hands　and　feet　could　be　called　good　features。　The　only　good　points　about　him　were　his　unusually　tall　stature；　his　delicate　colouring；　and　his　splendid　teeth。　Nevertheless；　his　face　was　of　such　an　original；　energetic　character　（owing　to　his　narrow；　sparkling　eyes　and　ever…changing　expressionnow　stern；　now　childlike；　now　smiling　indeterminately）　that　it　was　impossible　to　help　noticing　it。　As　a　rule　he　was　very　shy；　and　would　blush　to　the　ears　at　the　smallest　trifle；　but　it　was　a　shyness　altogether　different　from　mine；　seeing　that；　the　more　he　blushed；　the　more　determined…looking　he　grew；　as　though　he　were　vexed　at　his　own　weakness。

Although　he　was　on　very　good　terms　with　Woloda　and　Dubkoff；　it　was　clearly　chance　which　had　united　them　thus；　since　their　tastes　were　entirely　dissimilar。　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　seemed　to　be　afraid　of　anything　like　serious　consideration　or　emotion；　whereas　Nechludoff　was　beyond　all　things　an　enthusiast；　and　would　often；　despite　their　sarcastic　remarks；　plunge　into　dissertations　on　philosophical　matters　or　matters　of　feeling。　Again；　the　two　former　liked　talking　about　the　fair　objects　of　their　adoration　（these　were　always　numerous；　and　always　shared　by　the　friends　in　common）；　whereas　Nechludoff　invariably　grew　annoyed　when　taxed　with　his　love　for　a　certain　red…haired　lady。

Again；　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　often　permitted　themselves　to　criticise　their　relatives；　and　to　find　amusement　in　so　doing；　but　Nechludoff　flew　into　a　tremendous　rage　when　on　one　occasion　they　referred　to　some　weak　points　in　the　character　of　an　aunt　of　his　whom　he　adored。　Finally；　after　supper　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　would　usually　go　off　to　some　place　whither　Nechludoff　would　not　accompany　them；　wherefore　they　called　him　〃a　dainty　girl。〃

The　very　first　time　that　I　ever　saw　Prince　Nechludoff　I　was　struck　with　his　exterior　and　conversation。　Yet；　though　I　could　discern　a　great　similarity　between　his　disposition　and　my　own　（or　perhaps　it　was　because　I　COULD　so　discern　it）；　the　impression　which　he　produced　upon　me　at　first　was　anything　but　agreeable。　I　liked　neither　his　quick　glance；　his　hard　voice；　his　proud　bearing；　nor　（least　of　all）　the　utter　indifference　with　which　he　treated　me。　Often；　when　conversing；　I　burned　to　contradict　him；　to　punish　his　pride　by　confuting　him；　to　show　him　that　I　was　clever　in　spite　of　his　disdainful　neglect　of　my　presence。　But　I　was　invariably　prevented　from　doing　so　by　my　shyness。



XXVI。　DISCUSSIONS

Woloda　was　lying　reading　a　French　novel　on　the　sofa　when　I　paid　my　usual　visit　to　his　room　after　my　evening　lessons。　He　looked　up　at　me　for　a　moment　from　his　book；　and　then　went　on　reading。　This　perfectly　simple　and　natural　movement；　however；　offended　me。　I　conceived　that　the　glance　implied　a　question　why　I　had　come　and　a　wish　to　hide　his　thoughts　from　me　（I　may　say　that　at　that　period　a　tendency　to　attach　a　meaning　to　the　most　insignificant　of　acts　formed　a　prominent　feature　in　my　character）。　So　I　went　to　the　table　and　also　took　up　a　book　to　read。　Yet；　even　before　I　had　actually　begun　reading；　the　idea　struck　me　how　ridiculous　it　was　that；　although　we　had　never　seen　one　another　all　day；　we　should　have　not　a　word　to　exchange。

〃Are　you　going　to　stay　in　to…night；　Woloda？〃

〃I　don't　know。　Why？〃

〃Oh；　because〃　Seeing　that　the　conversation　did　not　promise　to　be　a　success；　I　took　up　my　book　again；　and　began　to　read。　Yet　it　was　a　strange　thing　that；　though　we　sometimes　passed　whole　hours　together　without　speaking　when　we　were　alone；　the　mere　presence　of　a　thirdsometimes　of　a　taciturn　and　wholly　uninteresting　personsufficed　to　plunge　us　into　the　most　varied　and　engrossing　of　discussions。　The　truth　was　that　we　knew　one　another　too　well；　and　to　know　a　person　either　too　well　or　too　little　acts　as　a　bar　to　intimacy。

〃Is　Woloda　at　home？〃　came　in　Dubkoff's　voice　from　the　ante…room。

〃Yes！〃　shouted　Woloda；　springing　up　and　throwing　aside　his　book。

Dubkoff　and　Nechludoff　entered。

〃Are　you　coming　to　the　theatre；　Woloda？〃

〃No；　I　have　no　time；〃　he　replied　with　a　blush。

〃Oh；　never　mind　that。　Come　along。〃

〃But　I　haven't　got　a　ticket。〃

〃Tickets；　as　many　as　you　like；　at　the　entrance。〃

〃Very　well；　then；　I'll　be　back　in　a　minute；〃　said　Woloda　evasively　as　he　left　the　room。　I　knew　very　well　that　he　wanted　to　go；　but　that　he　had　declined　because　he　had　no　money；　and　had　now　gone　to　borrow　five　roubles　of　one　of　the　servantsto　be　repaid　when　he　got　his　next　allowance。

〃How　do　you　do；　DIPLOMAT？〃　said　Dubkoff　to　me　as　he　shook　me　by　the　hand。　Woloda's　friends　had　called　me　by　that　nickname　since　the　day　when　Grandmamma　had　said　at　luncheon　that　Woloda　must　go　into　the　army；　but　that　she　would　like　to　see　me　in　the　diplomatic　service；　dressed　in　a　black　frock…coat；　and　with　my　hair　arranged　a　la　coq　（the　two　essential　requirements；　in　her　opinion；　of　a　DIPLOMAT）。

〃Where　has　Woloda　gone　to？〃　asked　Nechludoff。

〃I　don't　know；〃　I　replied；　blushing　to　think　that　nevertheless　they　had　probably　guessed　his　errand。

〃I　suppose　he　has　no　money？　Yes；　I　can　see　I　am　right；　O　diplomatist；〃　he　added；　taking　my　smile　as　an　answer　in　the　affirmative。　〃Well；　I　have　none；　either。　Have　you　any；　Dubkoff？〃

〃I'll　see；〃　replied　Dubkoff；　feeling　for　his　pocket；　and　rummaging　gingerly　about　with　his　squat　little　fingers　among　his　small　change。　〃　Yes；　here　are　five　copecks…twenty；　but　that's　all；〃　he　concluded　with　a　comic　gesture　of　his　hand。

At　this　point　Woloda　re…entered。

〃Are　we　going？〃

〃No。〃

〃What　an　odd　fellow　you　are！〃　said　Nechludoff。　〃Why　don't　you　say　that　you　have　no　money？　Here；　take　my　ticket。〃

〃But　what　are　you　going　to　do？〃

〃He　can　go　into　his　cousin's　box；〃　said　Dubkoff。

〃No；　I'm　not　going　at　all；〃　replied　Nechludoff。

〃Why？〃

〃Because　I　hate　sitting　in　a　box。〃

〃And　for　what　reason？〃

〃I　don't　know。　Somehow　I　feel　uncomfortable　there。〃

〃Always　the　same！　I　can't　understand　a　fellow　feeling　uncomfortable　when　he　is　sitting　with　people　who　are　fond　of　him。　It　is　unnatural；　mon　cher。〃

〃But　what　else　is　there　to　be　done　si　je　suis　tant　timide？　You　never　blushed　in　your　life；　but　I　do　at　the　least　trifle；〃　and　he　blushed　at　that　moment。

〃Do　you　know　what　that　nervousness　of　yours　proceeds　from？〃　said　Dubkoff　in　a　protecting　sort　of　tone；　〃D'un　exces　d'amour　propre；　mon　cher。〃

〃What　do　you　mean　by　'exces　d'amour　propre'？〃　asked　Nechludoff；　highly　offended。　〃On　the　contrary；　I　am　shy　just　because　I　have　TOO　LITTLE　amour　propre。　I　always　feel　as　though　I　were　being　tiresome　and　disagreeable；　and　therefore〃

〃Well；　get　ready；　Woloda；〃　interrupted　Dubkoff；　tapping　my　brother　on　the　shoulder　and　handing　him　his　cloak。　〃Ignaz；　get　your　master　ready。〃

〃Therefore；〃　continued　Nechludoff；　it　often　happens　with　me　that〃

But　Dubkoff　was　not　listening。　〃Tra…la…la…la；〃　and　he　hummed　a　popular　air。

〃Oh；　but　I'm　not　going　to　let　you　off；〃　went　on　Nechludoff。　〃I　mean　to　prove　to　you　that　my　shyness　is　not　the　result　of　conceit。〃

〃You　can　prove　it　as　we　go　along。〃

〃But　I　have　told　you　that　I　am　NOT　going。〃

〃Well；　then；　stay　here　and　prove　it　to　the　DIPLOMAT；　and　he　can　tell　us　all　about　it　when　we　return。〃

〃Yes；　that's　what　I　WILL　do；〃　said　Nechludoff　with　boyish　obstinacy；　〃so　hurry　up　with　your　return。〃

〃Well；　do　you　think　I　am　egotistic？〃　he　continued；　seating　himself　beside　me。

True；　I　had　a　definite　opinion　on　the　subject；　but　I　felt　so　taken　aback　by　this　unexpected　question　that　at　first　I　could　make　no　reply。

〃Yes；　I　DO　think　so；〃　I　said　at　length　in　a　faltering　voice；　and　colouring　at　the　thought　that　at　last　the　moment　had　come　when　I　could　show　him　that　I　was　clever。　〃I　think　that　EVERYBODY　is　egotistic；　and　that　everything　we　do　is　done　out　of　egotism。〃

〃But　what　do　you　call　egotism？〃　asked　Nechludoffsmiling；　as　I　thought；　a　little　contemptuously。

〃Egotism　is　a　conviction　that　we　are　better　and　cleverer　than　any　one　else；〃　I　replied。

〃But　how　can　we　ALL　be　filled　with　this　conviction？〃　he　inquired。

〃Well；　I　don't　know　if　I　am　right　or　notcertainly　no　one　but　myself　seems　to　hold　the　opinionbut　I　believe　that　I　am　wiser　than　any　one　else　in　the　world；　and　that　all　of　you　know　it。〃

〃At　least　I　can　say　for　myself；〃　observed　Nechludoff；　〃that　I　have　met　a　FEW　people　whom　I　believe　to　excel　me　in　wisdom。〃

〃It　is　impossible；〃　I　replied　with　conviction。

〃Do　you　really　think　so？〃　he　said；　looking　at　me　gravely。

〃Yes；　really；〃　I　answered；　and　an　idea　crossed　my　mind　which　I　proceeded　to　expound　further。　〃Let　me　prove　it　to　you。　Why　do　we　love　ourselves　better　than　any　one　else？　Because　we　think　ourselves　BETTER　than　any　one　elsemore　worthy　of　our　own　love。　If　we　THOUGHT　others　better　than　ourselves；　we　should　LOVE　them　better　than　ourselves：　but　that　is　never　the　case。　And　even　if　it　were　so；　I　should　still　be　right；〃　I　added　with　an　involuntary　smile　of　complacency。

For　a　few　minutes　Nechludoff　was　silent。

〃I　never　thought　you　were　so　clever；〃　he　said　with　a　smile　so　goodhumoured　and　charming　that　I　at　once　felt　happy。

Praise　exercises　an　all…potent　influence；　not　only　upon　the　feelings；　but　also　upon　the　intellect；　so　that　under　the　influence　of　that　agreeable　sensation　I　straightway　felt　much　cleverer　than　before；　and　thoughts　began　to　rush　with　extraordinary　rapidity　through　my　head。　From　egotism　we　passed　insensibly　to　the　theme　of　love；　which　seemed　inexhaustible。　Although　our　reasonings　might　have　sounded　nonsensical　to　a　listener　（so　vague　and　one…sided　were　they）；　for　ourselves　they　had　a　profound　significance。　Our　minds　were　so　perfectly　in　harmony　that　not　a　chord　was　struck　in　the　one　without　awakening　an　echo　in　the　other；　and　in　this　harmonious　striking　of　different　chords　we　found　the　greatest　delight。　Indeed；　we　felt　as　though　time　and　language　were　insufficient　to　express　the　thoughts　which　seethed　within　us。



XXVII。　THE　BEGINNING　OF　OUR　FRIENDSHIP

From　that　time　forth；　a　strange；　but　exceedingly　pleasant；　relation　subsisted　between　Dimitri　Nechludoff　and　myself。　Before　oth