lecture08-第2部分

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take　the　form　of　moral　remorse　and　compunction；　of　feeling



inwardly　vile　and　wrong；　and　of　standing　in　false　relations　to



the　author　of　one's　being　and　appointer　of　one's　spiritual　fate。　



This　is　the　religious　melancholy　and　〃conviction　of　sin〃　that



have　played　so　large　a　part　in　the　history　of　Protestant



Christianity。　　The　man's　interior　is　a　battle…ground　for　what　he



feels　to　be　two　deadly　hostile　selves；　one　actual；　the　other



ideal。　　As　Victor　Hugo　makes　his　Mahomet　say：







　　　　　〃Je　suis　le　champ　vil　des　sublimes　combats：



　　　　　Tantot　l'homme　d'en　haut；　et　tantot　l'homme　d'en　bas；



　　　　　Et　le　mal　dans　ma　bouche　avec　le　bien　alterne；



　　　　　Comme　dans　le　desert　le　sable　et　la　citerne。〃







Wrong　living；　impotent　aspirations；　〃What　I　would；　that　do　I　not；



but　what　I　hate；　that　do　I；〃　as　Saint　Paul　says；　self…loathing；



self…despair；　an　unintelligible　and　intolerable　burden　to　which



one　is　mysteriously　the　heir。







Let　me　quote　from　some　typical　cases　of　discordant　personality；



with　melancholy　in　the　form　of　self…condemnation　and　sense　of



sin。　　Saint　Augustine's　case　is　a　classic　example。　　You　all



remember　his　half…pagan；　half…Christian　bringing　up　at　Carthage；



his　emigration　to　Rome　and　Milan；　his　adoption　of　Manicheism　and



subsequent　skepticism；　and　his　restless　search　for　truth　and



purity　of　life；　and　finally　how；　distracted　by　the　struggle



between　the　two　souls　in　his　breast　and　ashamed　of　his　own



weakness　of　will；　when　so　many　others　whom　he　knew　and　knew　of



had　thrown　off　the　shackles　of　sensuality　and　dedicated



themselves　to　chastity　and　the　higher　life；　he　heard　a　voice　in



the　garden　say；　〃Sume；　lege〃　（take　and　read）；　and　opening　the



Bible　at　random；　saw　the　text；　〃not　in　chambering　and



wantonness；〃　etc。；　which　seemed　directly　sent　to　his　address；　and



laid　the　inner　storm　to　rest　forever。＇91＇　Augustine's



psychological　genius　has　given　an　account　of　the　trouble　of



having　a　divided　self　which　has　never　been　surpassed。







＇91＇　Louis　Gourdon　（Essai　sur　la　Conversion　de　Saint　Augustine；



Paris；　Fischbacher；　1900）　has　shown　by　an　analysis　of　Augustine's



writings　immediately　after　the　date　of　his　conversion　（A。　D。　386）



that　the　account　he　gives　in　the　Confessions　is　premature。　　The



crisis　in　the　garden　marked　a　definitive　conversion　from　his



former　life；　but　it　was　to　the　neo…platonic　spiritualism　and　only



a　halfway　stage　toward　Christianity。　　The　latter　he　appears　not



fully　and　radically　to　have　embraced　until　four　years　more　had



passed。















〃The　new　will　which　I　began　to　have　was　not　yet　strong　enough　to



overcome　that　other　will；　strengthened　by　long　indulgence。　So



these　two　wills；　one　old；　one　new；　one　carnal；　the　other



spiritual；　contended　with　each　other　and　disturbed　my　soul。　　I



understood　by　my　own　experience　what　I　had　read；　'flesh　lusteth



against　spirit；　and　spirit　against　flesh。'　It　was　myself　indeed



in　both　the　wills；　yet　more　myself　in　that　which　I　approved　in



myself　than　in　that　which　I　disapproved　in　myself。　　Yet　it　was



through　myself　that　habit　had　attained　so　fierce　a　mastery　over



me；　because　I　had　willingly　come　whither　I　willed　not。　　Still



bound　to　earth；　I　refused；　O　God；　to　fight　on　thy　side；　as　much



afraid　to　be　freed　from　all　bonds；　as　I　ought　to　have　feared



being　trammeled　by　them。







〃Thus　the　thoughts　by　which　I　meditated　upon　thee　were　like　the



efforts　of　one　who　would　awake；　but　being　overpowered　with



sleepiness　is　soon　asleep　again。　　Often　does　a　man　when　heavy



sleepiness　is　on　his　limbs　defer　to　shake　it　off；　and　though　not



approving　it；　encourage　it；　even　so　I　was　sure　it　was　better　to



surrender　to　thy　love　than　to　yield　to　my　own　lusts；　yet　though



the　former　course　convinced　me；　the　latter　pleased　and　held　me



bound。　　There　was　naught　in　me　to　answer　thy　call　'Awake；　thou



sleeper；'　but　only　drawling；　drowsy　words；　'Presently；　yes；



presently；　wait　a　little　while。'　　But　the　'presently'　had　no



'present；'　and　the　'little　while'　grew　long。　。　。　。　　For　I　was



afraid　thou　wouldst　hear　me　too　soon；　and　heal　me　at　once　of　my



disease　of　lust；　which　I　wished　to　satiate　rather　than　to　see



extinguished。　　With　what　lashes　of　words　did　I　not　scourge　my　own



soul。　　Yet　it　shrank　back；　it　refused；　though　it　had　no　excuse　to



offer。　。　。　。　I　said　within　myself：　　'Come；　let　it　be　done　now；'



and　as　I　said　it；　I　was　on　the　point　of　the　resolve。　　I　all　but



did　it；　yet　I　did　not　do　it。　　And　I　made　another　effort；　and



almost　succeeded；　yet　I　did　not　reach　it；　and　did　not　grasp　it；



hesitating　to　die　to　death；　and　live　to　life；　and　the　evil　to



which　I　was　so　wonted　held　me　more　than　the　better　life　I　had　not



tried。〃＇92＇







＇92＇　Confessions；　Book　VIII。；　Chaps。　v。；　vii。；　xi。；　abridged。















There　could　be　no　more　perfect　description　of　the　divided　will；



when　the　higher　wishes　lack　just　that　last　acuteness；　that　touch



of　explosive　intensity；　of　dynamogenic　quality　（to　use　the　slang



of　the　psychologists）；　that　enables　them　to　burst　their　shell；



and　make　irruption　efficaciously　into　life　and　quell　the　lower



tendencies　forever。　　In　a　later　lecture　we　shall　have　much　to　say



about　this　higher　excitability。







I　find　another　good　description　of　the　divided　will　in　the



autobiography　of　Henry　Alline；　the　Nova　Scotian　evangelist；　of



whose　melancholy　I　read　a　brief　account　in　my　last　lecture。　　The



poor　youth's　sins　were；　as　you　will　see；　of　the　most　harmless



order；　yet　they　interfered　with　what　proved　to　be　his　truest



vocation；　so　they　gave　him　great　distress。







〃I　was　now　very　moral　in　my　life；　but　found　no　rest　of



conscience。　　I　now　began　to　be　esteemed　in　young　company；　who



knew　nothing　of　my　mind　all　this　while；　and　their　esteem　began　to



be　a　snare　to　my　soul；　for　I　soon　began　to　be　fond　of　carnal



mirth；　though　I　still　flattered　myself　that　if　I　did　not　get



drunk；　nor　curse；　nor　swear；　there　would　be　no　sin　in　frolicking



and　carnal　mirth；　and　I　thought　God　would　indulge　young　people



with　some　（what　I　called　simple　or　civil）　recreation。　　I　still



kept　a　round　of　duties；　and　would　not　suffer　myself　to　run　into



any　open　vices；　and　so　got　along　very　well　in　time　of　health　and



prosperity；　but　when　I　was　distressed　or　threatened　by　sickness；



death；　or　heavy　storms　of　thunder；　my　religion　would　not　do；　and



I　found　there　was　something　wanting；　and　would　begin　to　repent　my



going　so　much　to　frolics；　but　when　the　distress　was　over；　the



devil　and　my　own　wicked　heart；　with　the　solicitations　of　my



associates；　and　my　fondness　for　young　company；　were　such　strong



allurements；　I　would　again　give　way；　and　thus　I　got　to　be　very



wild　and　rude；　at　the　same　time　kept　up　my　rounds　of　secret



prayer　and　reading；　but　God；　not　willing　I　should　destroy　myself；



still　followed　me　with　his　calls；　and　moved　with　such　power　upon



my　conscience；　that　I　could　not　satisfy　myself　with　my



diversions；　and　in　the　midst　of　my　mirth　sometimes　would　have



such　a　sense　of　my　lost　and　undone　condition；　that　I　would　wish



myself　from　the　company；　and　after　it　was　over；　when　I　went　home；



would　make　many　promises　that　I　would　attend　no　more　on　these



frolics；　and　would　beg　forgiveness　for　hours　and　hours；　but　when



I　came　to　have　the　temptation　again；　I　would　give　way：　　no



sooner　would　I　hear　the　music　and　drink　a　glass　of　wine；　but　I



would　find　my　mind　elevated　and　soon　proceed　to　any　sort　of



merriment　or　diversion；　that　I　thought　was　not　debauched　or



openly　vicious；　but　when　I　returned　from　my　carnal　mirth　I　felt



as　guilty　as　ever；　and　could　sometimes　not　close　my　eyes　for　some



hours　after　I　had　gone　to　my　bed。　　I　was　one　of　the　most　unhappy



creatures　on　earth。







〃Sometimes　I　would　leave　the　company　（often　speaking　to　the



fiddler　to　cease　from　playing；　as　if　I　was　tired）；　and　go　out　and



walk　about　crying　and　praying；　as　if　my　very　heart　would　break；



and　beseeching　God　that　he　would　not　cut　me　off；　nor　give　me　up



to　hardness　of　heart。　　Oh；　what　unhappy　hours　and　nights　I　thus



wore　away！　　When　I　met　sometimes　with　merry　companions；　and　my



heart　was　ready　to　sink；　I　would　labor　to　put　on　as　cheerful　a



countenance　as　possible；　that　they　might　not　distrust　anything；



and　sometimes　would　begin　some　discourse　with　young　men　or　young



women　on　purpose；　or　propose　a　merry　song；　lest　the　distress　of



my　soul　would　be　discovered；　or　mistrusted；　when　at　the　same　time



I　would　then　rather　have　been　in　a　wilderness　in　exile；　than　with



them　or　any　of　their　pleasures　or　enjoyments。　　Thus　for　many



months　when　I　was　in　company？　　I　would　act　the　hypocrite　and



feign　a　merry　heart　but　at　the　same　time　would　endeavor　as　much



as　I　could　to　shun　their　company；　oh　wretched　and　unhappy　mortal



that　I　was！　　Everything　I　did；　and　wherever　I　went；　I　was　still



in　a　storm　and　yet　I　continued　to　be　the　chief　contriver　and



ringleader　of　the　frolics　for　many　months　after；　though　it　was　a



toil　and　torment　to　attend　them；　but　the　devil　and　my　own　wicked



heart　drove　me　about　like　a　slave；　telling　me　that　I　must　do　this



and　do　that；　and　bear　this　and　bear　that；　and　turn　here　and　turn



there；　to　keep　my　credit　up；　and　retain　the　esteem　of　my



associates：　　and　all　this　while　I　continued　as　strict　as　possible



in　my　duties；　and　left　no　stone　unturned　to　pacify　my　conscience；



watching　even　against　my　thoughts；　and　praying　continually