original short stories-3-第21部分

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〃I　was　shelling　beans。　　Just　then　they　came　in。　　I　said　to　myself；　'What
is　the　matter　with　them？　　They　do　not　seem　natural；　they　seem　up　to　some
mischief。'　　They　watched　me　sideways；　like　this；　especially　Cornu；
because　he　squints。　　I　do　not　like　to　see　them　together；　for　they　are　two
good…for…nothings　when　they　are　in　company。　　I　said：　'What　do　you　want
with　me？'　　They　did　not　answer。　　I　had　a　sort　of　mistrust〃

The　defendant　Brument　interrupted　the　witness　hastily；　saying：

〃I　was　full。〃

Then　Cornu；　turning　towards　his　accomplice　said　in　the　deep　tones　of　an
organ：

〃Say　that　we　were　both　full；　and　you　will　be　telling　no　lie。〃

The　judge；　severely：

〃You　mean　by　that　that　you　were　both　drunk？〃

Brument：　〃There　can　be　no　question　about　it。〃

Cornu　：　〃That　might　happen　to　anyone。〃

The　judge　to　the　victim：　〃Continue　your　testimony；　woman　Brument。〃

〃Well；　Brument　said　to　me；　'Do　you　wish　to　earn　a　hundred　sous？'　'Yes；'
I　replied；　seeing　that　a　hundred　sous　are　not　picked　up　in　a　horse's
tracks。　　Then　he　said：　'Open　your　eyes　and　do　as　I　do；'　and　he　went　to
fetch　the　large　empty　barrel　which　is　under　the　rain　pipe　in　the　corner；
and　he　turned　it　over　and　brought　it　into　my　kitchen；　and　stuck　it　down
in　the　middle　of　the　floor；　and　then　he　said　to　me：　'Go　and　fetch　water
until　it　is　full。'

〃So　I　went　to　the　pond　with　two　pails　and　carried　water；　and　still　more
water　for　an　hour；　seeing　that　the　barrel　was　as　large　as　a　vat；　saving
your　presence；　m'sieu　le　president。

〃All　this　time　Brument　and　Cornu　were　drinking　a　glass；　and　then　another
glass；　and　then　another。　　They　were　finishing　their　drinks　when　I　said　to
them：　'You　are　full；　fuller　than　this　barrel。'　　And　Brument　answered　me。
'Do　not　worry；　go　on　with　your　work；　your　turn　will　come；　each　one　has
his　share。'　I　paid　no　attention　to　what　he　said　as　he　was　full。

〃When　the　barrel　was　full　to　the　brim；　I　said：　'There；　that's　done。'

〃And　then　Cornu　gave　me　a　hundred　sous；　not　Brument；　Cornu；　it　was　Cornu
gave　them　to　me。　　And　Brument　said：　'Do　you　wish　to　earn　a　hundred　sous
more？'　'Yes；'　I　said；　for　I　am　not　accustomed　to　presents　like　that。
Then　he　said：　'Take　off　your　clothes。！

〃'Take　off　my　clothes？'

〃'Yes；'　he　said。

〃'How　many　shall　I　take　off？'

〃'If　it　worries　you　at　all；　keep　on　your　chemise；　that　won't　bother　us。'

〃A　hundred　sous　is　a　hundred　sous；　and　I　have　to　undress　myself；　but　I
did　not　fancy　undressing　before　those　two　good…for…nothings。　　I　took　off
my　cap；　and　then　my　jacket；　and　then　my　skirt；　and　then　my　sabots。
Brument　said；　'Keep　on　your　stockings；　also；　we　are　good　fellows。'

〃And　Cornu　said；　too；　'We　are　good　fellows。'

〃So　there　I　was；　almost　like　mother　Eve。　　And　they　got　up　from　their
chairs；　but　could　not　stand　straight；　they　were　so　full；　saving　your
presence；　M'sieu　le　president。

〃I　said　to　myself：　'What　are　they　up　to？'

〃And　Brument　said：　'Are　you　ready？'

〃And　Cornu　said：　'I'm　ready！'

〃And　then　they　took　me；　Brument　by　the　head；　and　Cornu　by　the　feet；　as
one　might　take；　for　instance；　a　sheet　that　has　been　washed。　　Then　I　began
to　bawl。

〃And　Brument　said：　'Keep　still；　wretched　creature！'

〃And　they　lifted　me　up　in　the　air　and　put　me　into　the　barrel；　which　was
full　of　water；　so　that　I　had　a　check　of　the　circulation；　a　chill　to　my
very　insides。

〃And　Brument　said：　'Is　that　all？'

〃Cornu　said：　'That　is　all。'

〃Brument　said：　'The　head　is　not　in；　that　will　make　a　difference　in　the
measure。'

〃Cornu　said：　'Put　in　her　head。'

〃And　then　Brument　pushed　down　my　head　as　if　to　drown　me；　so　that　the
water　ran　into　my　nose；　so　that　I　could　already　see　Paradise。　　And　he
pushed　it　down；　and　I　disappeared。

〃And　then　he　must　have　been　frightened。　　He　pulled　me　out　and　said：　'Go
and　get　dry；　carcass。'

〃As　for　me；　I　took　to　my　heels　and　ran　as　far　as　M。　le　cure's。　　He　lent
me　a　skirt　belonging　to　his　servant；　for　I　was　almost　in　a　state　of
nature；　and　he　went　to　fetch　Maitre　Chicot；　the　country　watchman　who　went
to　Criquetot　to　fetch　the　police　who　came　to　my　house　with　me。

〃Then　we　found　Brument　and　Cornu　fighting　each　other　like　two　rams。

〃Brument　was　bawling：　'It　isn't　true；　I　tell　you　that　there　is　at　least　a
cubic　metre　in　it。　　It　is　the　method　that　was　no　good。'

〃Cornu　bawled：　'Four　pails；　that　is　almost　half　a　cubic　metre。　　You　need
not　reply；　that's　what　it　is。'

〃The　police　captain　put　them　both　under　arrest。　　I　have　no　more　to　tell。〃

She　sat　down。　　The　audience　in　the　court　room　laughed。　　The　jurors　looked
at　one　another　in　astonishment。　　The　judge　said：

〃Defendant　Cornu；　you　seem　to　have　been　the　instigator　of　this　infamous
plot。　　What　have　you　to　say？〃

And　Cornu　rose　in　his　turn。

〃Judge；〃　he　replied；　〃I　was　full。〃

The　Judge　answered　gravely：

〃I　know　it。　　Proceed。〃

〃I　will。　　Well；　Brument　came　to　my　place　about　nine　o'clock；　and　ordered
two　drinks；　and　said：　'There's　one　for　you；　Cornu。'　I　sat　down　opposite
him　and　drank；　and　out　of　politeness；　I　offered　him　a　glass。　　Then　he
returned　the　compliment　and　so　did　I；　and　so　it　went　on　from　glass　to
glass　until　noon；　when　we　were　full。

〃Then　Brument　began　to　cry。　　That　touched　me。　　I　asked　him　what　was　the
matter。　　He　said：　'I　must　have　a　thousand　francs　by　Thursday。'　That
cooled　me　off　a　little；　you　understand。　　Then　he　said　to　me　all　at　once：
'I　will　sell　you　my　wife。'

〃I　was　full；　and　I　was　a　widower。　　You　understand；　that　stirred　me　up。
I　did　not　know　his　wife；　but　she　was　a　woman；　wasn't　she？　　I　asked　him：
'How　much　would　you　sell　her　for？'

〃He　reflected；　or　pretended　to　reflect。　　When　one　is　full　one　is　not　very
clear…headed；　and　he　replied：　'I　will　sell　her　by　the　cubic　metre。'

〃That　did　not　surprise　me；　for　I　was　as　drunk　as　he　was；　and　I　knew　what
a　cubic　metre　is　in　my　business。　　It　is　a　thousand　litres；　that　suited
me。

〃But　the　price　remained　to　be　settled。　　All　depends　on　the　quality。　　I
said：　'How　much　do　you　want　a　cubic　metre？'

〃He　answered：　'Two　thousand　francs。'

〃I　gave　a　bound　like　a　rabbit；　and　then　I　reflected　that　a　woman　ought
not　to　measure　more　than　three　hundred　litres。　　So　I　said：　'That's　too
dear。'

〃He　answered：　'I　cannot　do　it　for　less。　　I　should　lose　by　it。'

〃You　understand；　one　is　not　a　dealer　in　hogs　for　nothing。　　One
understands　one's　business。　　But；　if　he　is　smart；　the　seller　of　bacon；　I
am　smarter；　seeing　that　I　sell　them　also。　　Ha；　Ha；　Ha！　　So　I　said　to　him：
'If　she　were　new；　I　would　not　say　anything；　but　she　has　been　married　to
you　for　some　time；　so　she　is　not　as　fresh　as　she　was。　　I　will　give　you
fifteen　hundred　francs　a　cubic　metre；　not　a　sou　more。　　Will　that　suit
you？'

〃He　answered：　'That　will　do。　　That's　a　bargain！'

〃I　agreed；　and　we　started　out；　arm　in　arm。　　We　must　help　each　other　in
this　world。

〃But　a　fear　came　to　me：　'How　can　you　measure　her　unless　you　put　her　into
the　liquid？'

〃Then　he　explained　his　idea；　not　without　difficulty　for　he　was　full。　　He
said　to　me：　'I　take　a　barrel；　and　fill　it　with　water　to　the　brim。　　I　put
her　in　it。　　All　the　water　that　comes　out　we　will　measure；　that　is　the　way
to　fix　it。'

〃I　said：　'I　see；　I　understand。　　But　this　water　that　overflows　will　run
away；　how　are　you　going　to　gather　it　up？'

〃Then　he　began　stuffing　me　and　explained　to　me　that　all　we　should　have　to
do　would　be　to　refill　the　barrel　with　the　water　his　wife　had　displaced　as
soon　as　she　should　have　left。　　All　the　water　we　should　pour　in　would　be
the　measure。　　I　supposed　about　ten　pails；　that　would　be　a　cubic　metre。
He　isn't　a　fool；　all　the　same；　when　he　is　drunk；　that　old　horse。

〃To　be　brief；　we　reached　his　house　and　I　took　a　look　at　its　mistress。　　A
beautiful　woman　she　certainly　was　not。　　Anyone　can　see　her；　for　there　she
is。　　I　said　to　myself：　'I　am　disappointed；　but　never　mind；　she　will　be　of
value；　handsome　or　ugly；　it　is　all　the　same；　is　it　not；　monsieur　le
president？'　　And　then　I　saw　that　she　was　as　thin　as　a　rail。　　I　said　to
myself：　'She　will　not　measure　four　hundred　litres。'　　I　understand　the
matter；　it　being　in　liquids。

〃She　told　you　about　the　proceeding。　　I　even　let　her　keep　on　her　chemise
and　stockings；　to　my　own　disadvantage。

〃When　that　was　done　she　ran　away。　　I　said：　'Look　out；　Brument！　　she　is
escaping。'

〃He　replied：　'Do　not　be　afraid。　　I　will　catch　her　all　right。　　She　will
have　to　come　back　to　sleep；　I　will　measure　the　deficit。'

〃We　measured。　　Not　four　pailfuls。　　Ha；　Ha；　Ha！〃

The　witness　began　to　laugh　so　persistently　that　a　gendarme　was　obliged　to
punch　him　in　the　back。　　Having　quieted　down；　he　resumed：

〃In　short；　Brument　exclaimed：　'Nothing　doing；　that　is　not　enough。'　I
bawled　and　bawled；　and　bawled　again；　he　punched　me；　I　hit　back。　　That
would　have　kept　on　till　the　Day　of　judgment；　seeing　we　were　both　drunk。

〃Then　came　the　gendarmes！　　They　swore　at　us；　they　took　us　off　to　prison。
I　want　damages。〃

He　sat　down。

Brument　confirmed　in　every　particular　the　statements　of　his　accomplice。
The　jury；　in　consternation；　retired　to　deliberate。

At　the　end　of　an　hour　they　returned　a　verdict　of　acquittal　for　the
defendants；　with　some　severe　strictures　on　the　dignity　of　marriage；　and
establishing　the　precise　limitations　of　business　transactions。

Brument　went　home　to　the　domestic　roof　accompanied　by　his　wife。

Cornu　went　back　to　his　business。






THE　IMPOLITE　SEX

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Madame　de　X。　　to　Madame　de　L。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ETRETAT；　Friday。
My　Dear　Aunt：

I　am　coming　to　see　you　without　anyone　knowing　it。　　I　shall　be　at　Les
Fresnes　on　the　2d　of　September；　the　day　before　the　hunting　season　opens；
as　I　do　not　want　to　miss　it；　so　that　I　may　tease　these　gentlemen。　　You
are　too　good；　aunt；　and　you　will　allow　them；　as　you　usually　do　when　there
are　no　strange　guests；　to　come　to　table；　under　pretext　of　fatigue；
without　dressing　or　shaving　for　the　occasion。

They　are　delighted；　of　course；　when　I　am　not　present。　　But　I　shall　be
there　and　will　hold　a　review；　like　a　general；　at　dinner　time；　and；　if　I
find　a　single　one　of　them　at　all　careless　in　dress；　no　matter　how　little；
I　mean　to　send　them　down　to　the　kitchen　with　the　servants。

The　men　of　to…day　have　so　little　consider