historia calamitatum-第3部分

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voted　their　lives　to　arousing　the　love　of　sacred　study；　have　been　strong　above　all　else　in　the　beauty　of　chastity。

Thus　did　it　come　to　pass　that　while　I　was　utterly　absorbed　in　pride　and　sensuality；　divine　grace；　the　cure　for　both　diseases；　was　forced　upon　me；　even　though　I；　forsooth　would　fain　have　shunned　it。　First　was　I　punished　for　my　sensuality；　and　then　for　my　pride。　For　my　sensuality　I　lost　those　things　whereby　I　practiced　it；　for　my　pride；　engendered　in　me　by　my　knowledge　of　letters　and　it　is　even　as　the　Apostle　said：　〃Knowledge　puffeth　itself　up〃　（I　Cor。　viii。　1）　　I　knew　the　humiliation　of　seeing　burned　the　very　book　in　which　I　most　gloried。　And　now　it　is　my　desire　that　you　should　know　the　stories　of　these　two　happenings；　understanding　them　more　truly　from　learning　the　very　facts　than　from　hearing　what　is　spoken　of　them；　and　in　the　order　in　which　they　came　about。　Because　I　had　ever　held　in　abhorrence　the　foulness　of　prostitutes；　because　I　had　diligently　kept　myself　from　all　excesses　and　from　association　with　the　women　of　noble　birth　who　attended　the　school；　because　I　knew　so　little　of　the　common　talk　of　ordinary　people；　perverse　and　subtly　flattering　chance　gave　birth　to　an　occasion　for　casting　me　lightly　down　from　the　heights　of　my　own　exaltation。　Nay；　in　such　case　not　even　divine　goodness　could　redeem　one　who；　having　been　so　proud；　was　brought　to　such　shame；　were　it　not　for　the　blessed　gift　of　grace。

CHAPTER　VI
OF　HOW；　BROUGHT　LOW　BY　HIS　LOVE　FOR　HELOISE；　HE　WAS　WOUNDED　IN　BODY　AND　SOUL
NOW　there　dwelt　in　that　same　city　of　Paris　a　certain　young　girl　named　Heloise；　the　neice　of　a　canon　who　was　called　Fulbert。　Her　uncle's　love　for　her　was　equalled　only　by　his　desire　that　she　should　have　the　best　education　which　he　could　possibly　procure　for　her。　Of　no　mean　beauty；　she　stood　out　above　all　by　reason　of　her　abundant　knowledge　of　letters。　Now　this　virtue　is　rare　among　women；　and　for　that　very　reason　it　doubly　graced　the　maiden；　and　made　her　the　most　worthy　of　renown　in　the　entire　kingdom。　It　was　this　young　girl　whom　I；　after　carefully　considering　all　those　qualities　which　are　wont　to　attract　lovers；　determined　to　unite　with　myself　in　the　bonds　of　love；　and　indeed　the　thing　seemed　to　me　very　easy　to　be　done。　So　distinguished　was　my　name；　and　I　possessed　such　advantages　of　youth　and　comeliness；　that　no　matter　what　woman　I　might　favour　with　my　love；　I　dreaded　rejection　of　none。　Then；　too；　I　believed　that　I　could　win　the　maiden's　consent　all　the　more　easily　by　reason　of　her　knowledge　of　letters　and　her　zeal　therefor；　so；　even　if　we　were　parted；　we　might　yet　be　together　in　thought　with　the　aid　of　written　messages。　Perchance；　too；　we　might　be　able　to　write　more　boldly　than　we　could　speak；　and　thus　at　all　times　could　we　live　in　joyous　intimacy。

Thus；　utterly　aflame　with　my　passion　for　this　maiden；　I　sought　to　discover　means　whereby　I　might　have　daily　and　familiar　speech　with　her；　thereby　the　more　easily　to　win　her　consent。　For　this　purpose　I　persuaded　the　girl's　uncle；　with　the　aid　of　some　of　his　friends　to　take　me　into　his　householdfor　he　dwelt　hard　by　my　schoolin　return　for　the　payment　of　a　small　sum。　My　pretext　for　this　was　that　the　care　of　my　own　household　was　a　serious　handicap　to　my　studies；　and　likewise　burdened　me　with　an　expense　far　greater　than　I　could　afford。　Now　he　was　a　man　keen　in　avarice　and　likewise　he　was　most　desirous　for　his　niece　that　her　study　of　letters　should　ever　go　forward；　so；　for　these　two　reasons　I　easily　won　his　consent　to　the　fulfillment　of　my　wish；　for　he　was　fairly　agape　for　my　money；　and　at　the　same　time　believed　that　his　niece　would　vastly　benefit　by　my　teaching。　More　even　than　this；　by　his　own　earnest　entreaties　he　fell　in　with　my　desires　beyond　anything　I　had　dared　to　hope；　opening　the　way　for　my　love；　for　he　entrusted　her　wholly　to　my　guidance；　begging　me　to　give　her　instruction　whensoever　I　might　be　free　from　the　duties　of　my　school；　no　matter　whether　by　day　or　by　night；　and　to　punish　her　sternly　if　ever　I　should　find　her　negligent　of　her　tasks。　In　all　this　the　man's　simplicity　was　nothing　short　of　astounding　to　me；　I　should　not　have　been　more　smitten　with　wonder　if　he　had　entrusted　a　tender　lamb　to　the　care　of　a　ravenous　wolf。　When　he　had　thus　given　her　into　my　charge；　not　alone　to　be　taught　but　even　to　be　disciplined；　what　had　he　done　save　to　give　free　scope　to　my　desires；　and　to　offer　me　every　opportunity；　even　if　I　had　not　sought　it；　to　bend　her　to　my　will　with　threats　and　blows　if　I　failed　to　do　so　with　caresses？　There　were；　however；　two　things　which　particularly　served　to　allay　any　foul　suspicion：　his　own　love　for　his　niece；　and　my　former　reputation　for　continence。

Why　should　I　say　more？　We　were　united　first　in　the　dwelling　that　sheltered　our　love；　and　then　in　the　hearts　that　burned　with　it。　Under　the　pretext　of　study　we　spent　our　hours　in　the　happiness　of　love；　and　learning　held　out　to　us　the　secret　opportunities　that　our　passion　craved。　Our　speech　was　more　of　love　than　of　the　books　which　lay　open　before　us；　our　kisses　far　outnumbered　our　reasoned　words。　Our　hands　sought　less　the　book　than　each　other's　bosoms　　love　drew　our　eyes　together　far　more　than　the　lesson　drew　them　to　the　pages　of　our　text。　In　order　that　there　might　be　no　suspicion；　there　were；　indeed；　sometimes　blows；　but　love　gave　them；　not　anger；　they　were　the　marks；　not　of　wrath；　but　of　a　tenderness　surpassing　the　most　fragrant　balm　in　sweetness。　What　followed？　No　degree　in　love's　progress　was　left　untried　by　our　passion；　and　if　love　itself　could　imagine　any　wonder　as　yet　unknown；　we　discovered　it。　And　our　inexperience　of　such　delights　made　us　all　the　more　ardent　in　our　pursuit　of　them；　so　that　our　thirst　for　one　another　was　still　unquenched。

In　measure　as　this　passionate　rapture　absorbed　me　more　and　more；　I　devoted　ever　less　time　to　philosophy　and　to　the　work　of　the　school。　Indeed　it　became　loathsome　to　me　to　go　to　the　school　or　to　linger　there；　the　labour；　moreover；　was　very　burdensome；　since　my　nights　were　vigils　of　love　and　my　days　of　study。　My　lecturing　became　utterly　careless　and　lukewarm；　I　did　nothing　because　of　inspiration；　but　everything　merely　as　a　matter　of　habit。　I　had　become　nothing　more　than　a　reciter　of　my　former　discoveries；　and　though　I　still　wrote　poems；　they　dealt　with　love；　not　with　the　secrets　of　philosophy。　Of　these　songs　you　yourself　well　know　how　some　have　become　widely　known　and　have　been　sung　in　many　lands；　chiefly；　methinks；　by　those　who　delighted　in　the　things　of　this　world。　As　for　the　sorrow；　the　groans；　the　lamentations　of　my　students　when　they　perceived　the　preoccupation；　nay；　rather　the　chaos；　of　my　mind；　it　is　hard　even　to　imagine　them。

A　thing　so　manifest　could　deceive　only　a　few；　no　one；　methinks；　save　him　whose　shame　it　chiefly　bespoke；　the　girl's　uncle；　Fulbert。　The　truth　was　often　enough　hinted　to　him；　and　by　many　persons；　but　he　could　not　believe　it；　partly；　as　I　have　said；　by　reason　of　his　boundless　love　for　his　niece；　and　partly　because　of　the　well…known　continence　of　my　previous　life。　Indeed　we　do　not　easily　suspect　shame　in　those　whom　we　most　cherish；　nor　can　there　be　the　blot　of　foul　suspicion　on　devoted　love。　Of　this　St。　Jerome　in　his　epistle　to　Sabinianus　（Epist。　48）　says：　〃We　are　wont　to　be　the　last　to　know　the　evils　of　our　own　households；　and　to　be　ignorant　of　the　sins　of　our　children　and　our　wives；　though　our　neighbours　sing　them　aloud。〃　But　no　matter　how　slow　a　matter　may　be　in　disclosing　itself；　it　is　sure　to　come　forth　at　last；　nor　is　it　easy　to　hide　from　one　what　is　known　to　all。　So；　after　the　lapse　of　several　months；　did　it　happen　with　us。　Oh；　how　great　was　the　uncle's　grief　when　he　learned　the　truth；　and　how　bitter　was　the　sorrow　of　the　lovers　when　we　were　forced　to　part！　With　what　shame　was　I　overwhelmed；　with　what　contrition　smitten　because　of　the　blow　which　had　fallen　on　her　I　loved；　and　what　a　tempest　of　misery　burst　over　her　by　reason　of　my　disgrace！　Each　grieved　most；　not　for　himself；　but　for　the　other。　Each　sought　to　allay；　not　his　own　sufferings；　but　those　of　the　one　he　loved。　The　very　sundering　of　our　bodies　served　but　to　link　our　souls　closer　together；　the　plentitude　of　the　love　which　was　denied　to　us　inflamed　us　more　than　ever。　Once　the　first　wildness　of　shame　had　passed；　it　left　us　more　shameless　than　before；　and　as　shame　died　within　us　the　cause　of　it　seemed　to　us　ever　more　desirable。　And　so　it　chanced　with　us　as；　in　the　stories　that　the　poets　tell；　it　once　happened　with　Mars　and　Venus　when　they　were　caught　together。

It　was　not　long　after　this　that　Heloise　found　that　she　was　pregnant；　and　of　this　she　wrote　to　me　in　the　utmost　exultation；　at　the　same　time　asking　me　to　consider　what　had　best　be　done。　Accordingly；　on　a　night　when　her　uncle　was　absent；　we　carried　out　the　plan　we　had　determined　on；　and　I　stole　her　secretly　away　from　her　uncle's　house；　sending　her　without　delay　to　my　own　country。　She　remained　there　with　my　sister　until　she　gave　birth　to　a　son；　whom　she　named　Astrolabe。　Meanwhile　her　uncle　after　his　return；　was　almost　mad　with　grief；　only　one　who　had　then　seen　him　could　rightly　guess　the　burning　agony　of　his　sorrow　and　the　bitterness　of　his　shame。　What　steps　to　take　against　me；　or　what　snares　to　set　for　me；　he　did　not　know。　If　he　should　kill　me　or　do　me　some　bodily　hurt；　he　feared　greatly　lest　his　dear…loved　niece　should　be　made　to　suffer　for　it　among　my　kinsfolk。　He　had　no　power　to　seize　me　and　imprison　me　somewhere　against　my　will；　though　I　make　no　doubt　he　would　have　done　so　quickly　enough　had　he　been　able　or　dared；　for　I　had　taken　measures　to　guard　against　any　such　attempt。

At　length；　however；　in　pity　for　his　boundless　grief；　and　bitterly　blaming　myself　for　the　suffering　which　my　love　had　brought　upon　him　through　the　baseness　of　the　deception　I　had　practiced；　I　went　to　him　to　entreat　his　forgiveness；　promising　to　make　any　amends　that　he　himself　might　decree。　I　pointed　out　that　what　had　happened　could　not　seem　incredible　to　any　one　who　had　ever　felt　the　power　of　love；　or　who　remembered　how；　from　the　very　beginning　of　the　human　race；　women　had　cast　down　even　the　noblest　men　to　utter　ruin。　And　in　order　to　make　amends　even　beyond　his　extremest　hope；　I　offered　to　marry　her　whom　I　had　seduced；　provided　only　the　thing　could　be　kept　secret；