how to fail in literature-第4部分

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As　a　rule；　his　method　is　this；　he　reads　very　little；　but　all　that　he

reads　is　BAD。　　The　feeblest　articles　in　the　weakliest　magazines；　the

very　mildest　and　most　conventional　novels　appear　to　be　the　only

studies　of　the　majority。　　Apparently　the　would…be　contributor　says　to

himself；　or　herself；　〃well；　_I_　can　do　something　almost　on　the　level

of　this　or　that　maudlin　and　invertebrate　novel。〃　　Then　he

deliberately　sits　down　to　rival　the　most　tame；　dull；　and　illiterate

compositions　that　get　into　print。　　In　this　way　bad　authors　become　the

literary　parents　of　worse　authors。　　Nobody　but　a　reader　of　MSS。　knows

what　myriads　of　fiction　are　written　without　one　single　new　situation；

original　character；　or　fresh　thought。　　The　most　out…worn　ideas：

sudden　loss　of　fortune；　struggles；　faithlessness　of　First　Lover；

noble　conduct　of　Second　Lover：　　frivolity　of　younger　sister；

excellence　of　mother：　　naughtiness　of　one　son；　virtue　of　another；

these　are　habitually　served　up　again　and　again。　　On　the　sprained

ankles；　the　mad　bulls；　the　fires；　and　other　simple　devices　for　doing

without　an　introduction　between　hero　and　heroine　I　need　not　dwell。

The　very　youngest　of　us　is　acquainted　with　these　expedients；　which；

by　this　time　of　day；　will　spell　failure。



The　common　novels　of　Governess　life；　the　daughters　and　granddaughters

of　Jane　Eyre；　still　run　riot　among　the　rejected　manuscripts。　　The

lively　large　family；　all　very　untidy　and　humorous；　all　wearing　each

other's　boots　and　gloves；　and　making　their　dresses　out　of　bedroom

curtains　and　marrying　rich　men；　still　rushes　down　the　easy　descent　to

failure。　　The　sceptical　curate　is　at　large；　and　is　disbelieving　in

everything　except　the　virtues　of　the　young　woman　who　〃has　a　history。〃

Mr。　Swinburne　hopes　that　one　day　the　last　unbelieving　clergyman　will

disappear　in　the　embrace　of　the　last　immaculate　Magdalen；　as　the

Princess　and　the　Geni　burn　each　other　to　nothingness；　in　the　Arabian

Nights。　　On　that　happy　day　there　will　be　one　less　of　the　roads

leading　to　failure。　　If　the　pair　can　carry　with　them　the　self…

sacrificing　characters　who　take　the　blame　of　all　the　felonies　that

they　did　not　do；　and　the　nice　girl　who　is　jilted　by　the　poet；　and

finds　that　the　squire　was　the　person　whom　she　REALLY　loved；　so　much

the　better。　　If　not　only　Monte　Carlo；　but　the　inevitable　scene　in　the

Rooms　there　can　be　abolished；　if　the　Riviera；　and　Italy　can　be

removed　from　the　map　of　Europe　as　used　by　novelists；　so　much　the

better。　　But　failure　will　always　be　secured；　while　the　huge　majority

of　authors　do　not　aim　high；　but　aim　at　being　a　little　lower　than　the

last　domestic　drivel　which　came　out　in　three　volumes；　or　the　last

analysis　of　the　inmost　self　of　some　introspective　young　girl　which

crossed　the　water　from　the　States。



These　are　general　counsels；　and　apply　to　the　production　of　books。

But；　when　you　have　done　your　book；　you　may　play　a　number　of　silly

tricks　with　your　manuscript。　　I　have　already　advised　you　to　make　only

one　copy；　a　rough　one；　as　that　secures　negligence　in　your　work；　and

also　disgusts　an　editor　or　reader。　　It　has　another　advantage；　you　may

lose　your　copy　altogether；　and；　as　you　have　not　another；　no　failure

can　be　more　complete。　　The　best　way　of　losing　it；　I　think　and　the

safest；　is　to　give　it　to　somebody　you　know　who　has　once　met　some　man

or　woman　of　letters。。　　This　somebody　must　be　instructed　to　ask　that

busy　and　perhaps　casual　and　untidy　person　to　read　your　manuscript；

and　〃place〃　it；　that　is；　induce　some　poor　publisher　or　editor　to　pay

for　and　publish　it。　　Now　the　man；　or　woman　of　letters；　will　use

violent　language　on　receiving　your　clumsy　brown　paper　parcel　of

illegible　wares；　because　he　or　she　has　no　more　to　do　with　the　matter

than　the　crossing　sweeper。　　The　MS。　will　either　be　put　away　so

carefully　that　it　can　never　be　found　again；　or　will　be　left　lying

about　so　that　the　housemaid　may　use　it　for　her　own　domestic　purposes；

like　Betty　Barnes；　the　cook　of　Mr。　Warburton；　who　seems　to　have

burned　several　plays　of　Shakespeare。



The　MS。　in　short　will　go　where　the　old　moons　go。





And　all　dead　days　drift　thither；

And　all　disastrous　things。





Not　only　can　you　secure　failure　thus　yourself；　but　you　can　so　worry

and　badger　your　luckless　victim；　that　he　too　will　be　unable　to　write

well　till　he　has　forgotten　you　and　your　novel；　and　all　the　annoyance

and　anxiety　you　have　given　him。　　Much　may　be　done　by　asking　him　for

〃introductions〃　to　an　editor　or　publisher。　　These　gentry　don't　want

introductions；　they　want　good　books；　and　very　seldom　get　them。　　If

you　behave　thus；　the　man　whom　you　are　boring　will　write　to　his

publisher：





Dear　Brown；



A　wretched　creature；　who　knows　my　great　aunt；　asks　me　to　recommend

his　rubbish　to　you。　　I　send　it　by　today's　post；　and　I　wish　you　joy　of

it。





This　kind　of　introduction　will　do　you　excellent　service　in　smoothing

the　path　to　failure。　　You　can　arrive　at　similar　results　by　sending

your　MS。　NOT　to　the　editor　of　this　or　that　magazine；　but　to　some　one

who；　as　you　have　been　told　by　some　nincompoop；　is　the　editor；　and　who

is　NOT。　　He　MAY　lose　your　book；　or　he　may　let　it　lie　about　for

months；　or　he　may　send　it　on　at　once　to　the　real　editor　with　his

bitter　malison。　　The　utmost　possible　vexation　is　thus　inflicted　on

every　hand；　and　a　prejudice　is　established　against　you　which　the

nature　of　your　work　is　very　unlikely　to　overcome。　　By　all　means　bore

many　literary　strangers　with　correspondence；　this　will　give　them　a

lively　recollection　of　your　name；　and　an　intense　desire　to　do　you　a

bad　turn　if　opportunity　arises。　｛6｝



If　your　book　does；　in　spite　of　all；　get　itself　published；　send　it

with　your　compliments　to　critics　and　ask　them　for　favourable　reviews。

It　is　the　publisher's　business　to　send　out　books　to　the　editors　of

critical　papers；　but　never　mind　THAT。　　Go　on　telling　critics　that　you

know　praise　is　only　given　by　favour；　that　they　are　all　more　or　less

venal　and　corrupt　and　members　of　the　Something　Club；　add　that　YOU　are

no　member　of　a　coterie　nor　clique；　but　that　you　hope　an　exception

will　be　made；　and　that　your　volume　will　be　applauded　on　its　merits。

You　will　thus　have　done　what　in　you　lies　to　secure　silence　from

reviewers；　and　to　make　them　request　that　your　story　may　be　sent　to

some　other　critic。　　This；　again；　gives　trouble；　and　makes　people

detest　you　and　your　performance；　and　contributes　to　the　end　which　you

have　steadily　in　view。



I　do　not　think　it　is　necessary　to　warn　young　lady　novelists；　who

possess　beauty；　wealth；　and　titles；　against　asking　Reviewers　to　dine；

and　treating　them　as　kindly；　almost；　as　the　Fairy　Paribanou　treated

Prince　Ahmed。　　They　only　act　thus；　I　fear；　in　Mr。　William　Black's

novels。



Much　may　be　done　by　re…writing　your　book　on　the　proof　sheets；

correcting　everything　there　which　you　should　have　corrected　in

manuscript。　　This　is　an　expensive　process；　and　will　greatly　diminish

your　pecuniary　gains；　or　rather　will　add　to　your　publisher's　bill；

for　the　odds　are　that　you　will　have　to　publish　at　your　own　expense。

By　the　way；　an　author　can　make　almost　a　certainty　of　disastrous

failure；　by　carrying　to　some　small　obscure　publisher　a　work　which　has

been　rejected　by　the　best　people　in　the　trade。　　Their　rejections　all

but　demonstrate　that　your　book　is　worthless。　　If　you　think　you　are

likely　to　make　a　good　thing　by　employing　an　obscure　publisher；　with

little　or　no　capital；　then；　as　some　one　in　Thucydides　remarks；

congratulating　you　on　your　simplicity；　I　do　not　envy　your　want　of

common　sense。　　Be　very　careful　to　enter　into　a　perfectly　preposterous

agreement。　　For　example；　accept　〃half　profits；〃　but　forget　to　observe

that　before　these　are　reckoned；　it　is　distinctly　stated　in　your

〃agreement〃　that　the　publisher　is　to　pay　HIMSELF　some　twenty　per

cent。　on　the　price　of　each　copy　sold　before　you　get　your　share。



Here　is　〃another　way；〃　as　the　cookery　books　have　it。　　In　your

gratitude　to　your　first　publisher；　covenant　with　him　to　let　him　have

all　the　cheap　editions　of　all　your　novels　for　the　next　five　years；　at

his　own　terms。　　If；　in　spite　of　the　advice　I　have　given　you；　you

somehow　manage　to　succeed；　to　become　wildly　popular；　you　will　still

have　reserved　to　yourself；　by　this　ingenious　clause；　a　chance　of

ineffable　pecuniary　failure。　　A　plan　generally　approved　of　is　to　sell

your　entire　copyright　in　your　book　for　a　very　small　sum。　　You　want

the　ready　money；　and　perhaps　you　are　not　very　hopeful。　　But；　when

your　book　is　in　all　men's　hands；　when　you　are　daily　reviled　by　the

small　fry　of　paragraphers；　when　the　publisher　is　clearing　a　thousand

a　year　by　it；　while　you　only　got　a　hundred　down；　then　you　will　thank

me；　and　will　acknowledge　that；　in　spite　of　apparent　success；　you　are

a　failure　after　all。　　There　are　publishers；　however；　so　inconsiderate

that　they　will　not　leave　you　even　this　consolation。　　Finding　that　the

book　they　bought　cheap　is　really　valuable；　they　will　insist　on

sharing　the　profits　with　the　author；　or　on　making　him　great　presents

of　money　to　which　he　has　no　legal　claim。　　Some　persons；　some　authors；

cannot　fail　if　they　would；　so　wayward　is　fortune；　and　such　a　Quixotic

idea　of　honesty　have　some　middlemen　of　literature。　　But；　of　course；

you　MAY　light　on　a　publisher　who　will　not　give　you　MORE　than　you

covenanted　for；　and　then　you　can　go　about　denouncing　the　whole

profession　as　a　congregation　of　robbers　and　clerks　of　St。　Nicholas。



The　ways　of　failure　are　infinite；　and　of　course　are　not　nearly

exhausted。　　One　good　plan　is　never　to　be　yourself　when　you　write；　to

put　in　nothing　of　your　own　temperament；　manner；　characteror　to　have

none；　which　does　as　well。　　Another　favourite　method　is　to　offer　the

wrong　kind　of　article；　to　send　to　the　Cornhill　an　essay　on　the

evolution　of　the　Hittite　syllabary；　（for　only　one　author　could　make

THAT　popular；）　or　a　sketch　of　cock　fighting　among　the　ancients　to　the

Monthly　Record；　or　an　essay