how to fail in literature-第5部分

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THAT　popular；）　or　a　sketch　of　cock　fighting　among　the　ancients　to　the

Monthly　Record；　or　an　essay　on　Ayahs　in　India　to　an　American

magazine；　or　a　biography　of　Washington　or　Lincoln　to　any　English

magazine　whatever。　　We　have　them　every　month　in　some　American

periodicals；　and　our　poor　insular　serials　can　get　on　without　them：

〃have　no　use　for　them。〃



It　is　a　minor；　though　valuable　scheme；　to　send　poems　on　Christmas　to

magazines　about　the　beginning　of　December；　because；　in　fact；　the

editors　have　laid　in　their　stock　of　that　kind　of　thing　earlier。

Always　insist　on　SEEING　an　editor；　instead　of　writing　to　him。　　There

is　nothing　he　hates　so　much；　unless　you　are　very　young　and　beautiful

indeed；　when；　perhaps；　if　you　wish　to　fail　you　had　better　NOT　pay　him

a　visit　at　the　office。　　Even　if　you　do；　even　if　you　were　as　fair　as

the　Golden　Helen；　he　is　not　likely　to　put　in　your　compositions　if；　as

is　probable；　they　fall　MUCH　below　the　level　of　his　magazine。



A　good　way　of　making　yourself　a　dead　failure　is　to　go　about　accusing

successful　people　of　plagiarising　from　books　or　articles　of　yours

which　did　not　succeed；　and；　perhaps；　were　never　published　at　all。　　By

encouraging　this　kind　of　vanity　and　spite　you　may　entirely　destroy

any　small　powers　you　once　happened　to　possess；　you　will；　besides；

become　a　person　with　a　grievance；　and；　in　the　long　run；　will　be

shunned　even　by　your　fellow　failures。　　Again；　you　may　plagiarise

yourself；　if　you　can；　it　is　not　easy；　but　it　is　a　safe　way　to　fail　if

you　can　manage　it。　　No　successful　person；　perhaps；　was　ever；　in　the

strict　sense；　a　plagiarist；　though　charges　of　plagiary　are　always

brought　against　everybody；　from　Virgil　to　Milton；　from　Scott　to

Moliere；　who　attains　success。　　When　you　are　accused　of　being　a

plagiarist；　and　shewn　up　in　double　columns；　you　may　be　pretty　sure

that　all　this　counsel　has　been　wasted　on　you；　and　that　you　have

failed　to　fail；　after　all。　　Otherwise　nobody　would　envy　and　malign

you；　and　garble　your　book；　and　print　quotations　from　it　which　you　did

not　write；　all　in　the　sacred　cause　of　morality。



Advice　on　how　to　secure　the　reverse　of　success　should　not　be　given　to

young　authors　alone。　　Their　kinsfolk　and　friends；　also；　can　do　much

for　their　aid。　　A　lady　who　feels　a　taste　for　writing　is　very　seldom

allowed　to　have　a　quiet　room；　a　quiet　study。　　If　she　retreats　to　her

chill　and　fireless　bed　chamber；　even　there　she　may　be　chevied　by　her

brothers；　sisters；　and　mother。　　It　is　noticed　that　cousins；　and

aunts；　especially　aunts；　are　of　high　service　in　this　regard。　　They

never　give　an　intelligent　woman　an　hour　to　herself。



〃Is　Miss　Mary　in？〃



〃Yes；　ma'am；　but　she　is　very　busy。〃



〃Oh；　she　won't　mind　me；　I　don't　mean　to　stay　long。〃



Then　in　rushes　the　aunt。



〃Over　your　books　again：　　my　dear！　　You　really　should　not　overwork

yourself。　　Writing　something〃；　here　the　aunt　clutches　the　manuscript；

and　looks　at　it　vaguely。



〃Well；　I　dare　say　it's　very　clever；　but　I　don't　care　for　this　kind　of

thing　myself。　　Where's　your　mother？　　Is　Jane　better？　　Now；　do　tell

me；　do　you　get　much　for　writing　all　that？　　Do　you　send　it　to　the

printers；　or　where？　　How　interesting；　and　that　reminds　me；　you　that

are　a　novelist；　have　you　heard　how　shamefully　Miss　Baxter　was　treated

by　Captain　Smith？　　No；　well　you　might　make　something　out　of　it。〃



Here　follows　the　anecdote；　at　prodigious　length；　and　perfectly

incoherent。



〃Now；　write　THAT；　and　I　shall　always　say　I　was　partly　the　author。

You　really　should　give　me　a　commission；　you　know。　　Well；　good　bye；

tell　your　mother　I　called。　　Why；　there　she　is；　I　declare。　　Oh；　Susan；

just　come　and　hear　the　delightful　plot　for　a　novel　that　I　have　been

giving　Mary。〃



And　then　she　begins　again；　only　further　back；　this　time。



It　is　thus　that　the　aunts　of　England　may　and　do　assist　their　nieces

to　fail　in　literature。　　Many　and　many　a　morning　do　they　waste；　many　a

promising　fancy　have　they　blighted；　many　a　temper　have　they　spoiled。



Sisters　are　rather　more　sympathetic：　　the　favourite　plan　of　the

brother　is　to　say；　〃Now；　Mary；　read　us　your　new　chapter。〃



Mary　reads　it；　and　the　critic　exclaims；　〃Well；　of　all　the　awful　Rot！

Now；　why　can't　you　do　something　like　Bootles's　Baby？〃



Fathers　never　take　any　interest　in　the　business　at　all：　　they　do　not

count。　　The　sympathy　of　a　mother　may　be　reckoned　on；　but　not　her

judgement；　for　she　is　either　wildly　favourable；　or；　mistrusting　her

own　tendencies；　is　more　diffident　than　need　be。　　The　most　that

relations　can　do　for　the　end　before　us　is　to　worry；　interrupt；

deride；　and　tease　the　literary　member　of　the　family。　　They　seldom

fail　in　these　duties；　and　not　even　success；　as　a　rule；　can　persuade

them　that　there　is　anything　in　it　but　〃luck。〃



Perhaps　reviewing　is　not　exactly　a　form　of　literature。　　But　it　has

this　merit　that　people　who　review　badly；　not　only　fail　themselves；

but　help　others　to　fail；　by　giving　a　bad　idea　of　their　works。　　You

will；　of　course；　never　read　the　books　you　review；　and　you　will　be

exhaustively　ignorant　of　the　subjects　which　they　treat。　　But　you　can

always　find　fault　with　the　TITLE　of　the　story　which　comes　into　your

hands；　a　stupid　reviewer　never　fails　to　do　this。　　You　can　also　copy

out　as　much　of　the　preface　as　will　fill　your　eighth　of　a　column；　and

add；　that　the　performance　is　not　equal　to　the　promise。　　You　must

never　feel　nor　shew　the　faintest　interest　in　the　work　reviewed；　that

would　be　fatal。　　Never　praise　heartily；　that　is　the　sign　of　an

intelligence　not　mediocre。　　Be　vague；　colourless；　and　languid；　this

deters　readers　from　approaching　the　book。　　If　you　have　glanced　at　it；

blame　it　for　not　being　what　it　never　professed　to　be；　if　it　is　a

treatise　on　Greek　Prosody；　censure　the　lack　of　humour；　if　it　is　a

volume　of　gay　verses；　lament　the　author's　indifference　to　the　sorrows

of　the　poor　or　the　wrongs　of　the　Armenians。　　If　it　has　humour；

deplore　its　lack　of　thoughtfulness；　if　it　is　grave；　carp　at　its　lack

of　gaiety。　　I　have　known　a　reviewer　of　half　a　dozen　novels　denounce

half　a　dozen　KINDS　of　novels　in　the　course　of　his　two　columns；　the

romance　of　adventure；　the　domestic　tale；　the　psychological　analysis；

the　theological　story；　the　detective's　story；　the　story　of　〃Society；〃

he　blamed　them　all　in　general；　and　the　books　before　him　in

particular；　also　the　historical　novel。　　This　can　easily　be　done；　by

dint　of　practice；　after　dipping　into　three　or　four　pages　of　your

author。　　Many　reviewers　have　special　aversions；　authors　they　detest。

Whatever　they　are　criticising；　novels；　poems；　plays；　they　begin　by　an

attack　on　their　pet　aversion；　who　has　nothing　to　do　with　the　matter

in　hand。　　They　cannot　praise　A；　B；　C；　and　D；　without　first　assailing

E。　　It　will　generally　be　found　that　E　is　a　popular　author。　　But　the

great　virtue　of　a　reviewer；　who　would　be　unreadable　and　make　others

unread；　is　a　languid　ignorant　lack　of　interest　in　all　things；　a　habit

of　regarding　his　work　as　a　tedious　task；　to　be　scamped　as　rapidly　and

stupidly　as　possible。



You　might　think　that　these　qualities　would　displease　the　reviewer's

editor。　　Not　at　all；　look　at　any　column　of　short　notices；　and　you

will　occasionally　find　that　the　critic　has　anticipated　my　advice。

There　is　no　topic　in　which　the　men　who　write　about　it　are　so　little

interested　as　contemporary　literature。　　Perhaps　this　is　no　matter　to

marvel　at。　　By　the　way；　a　capital　plan　is　not　to　write　your　review

till　the　book　has　been　out　for　two　years。　　This　is　the　favourite

dodge　of　the　…；　that　distinguished　journal。



If　any　one　has　kindly　attended　to　this　discourse；　without　desiring　to

be　a　failure；　he　has　only　to　turn　the　advice　outside　in。　　He　has　only

to　be　studious　of　the　very　best　literature；　observant；　careful；

original；　he　has　only　to　be　himself　and　not　an　imitator；　to　aim　at

excellence；　and　not　be　content　with　falling　a　little　lower　than

mediocrity。　　He　needs　but　bestow　the　same　attention　on　this　art　as

others　give　to　the　other　arts　and　other　professions。　　With　these

efforts；　and　with　a　native　and　natural　gift；　which　can　never　be

taught；　never　communicated；　and　with　his　mind　set　not　on　his　reward；

but　on　excellence；　on　style；　on　matter；　and　even　on　the　not　wholly

unimportant　virtue　of　vivacity；　a　man　will　succeed；　or　will　deserve

success。　　First；　of　course；　he　will　have　to　〃find〃　himself；　as　the

French　say；　and　if　he　does　NOT　find　an　ass；　then；　like　Saul　the　son

of　Kish；　he　may　discover　a　kingdom。　　One　success　he　can　hardly　miss；

the　happiness　of　living；　not　with　trash；　but　among　good　books；　and

〃the　mighty　minds　of　old。〃　　In　an　unpublished　letter　of　Mr。

Thackeray's；　written　before　he　was　famous；　and　a　novelist；　he　says

how　much　he　likes　writing　on　historical　subjects；　and　how　he　enjoys

historical　research。　　THE　WORK　IS　SO　GENTLEMANLY；　he　remarks。　　Often

and　often；　after　the　daily　dreadful　lines；　the　bread　and　butter

winning　lines　on　some　contemporary　folly　or　frivolity；　does　a　man

take　up　some　piece　of　work　hopelessly　unremunerative；　foredoomed　to

failure　as　far　as　money　or　fame　go；　some　dealing　with　the　classics　of

the　world；　Homer　or　Aristotle；　Lucian　or　Moliere。　　It　is　like　a　bath

after　a　day's　toil；　it　is　tonic　and　clean；　and　such　studies；　if　not

necessary　to　success；　are；　at　least；　conducive　to　mental　health　and

self…respect　in　literature。



To　the　enormous　majority　of　persons　who　risk　themselves　in

literature；　not　even　the　smallest　measure　of　success　can　fall。　　They

had　better　take　to　some　other　profession　as　quickly　as　may　be；　they

are　only　making　a　sure　thing　of　disappointment；　only　crowding　the

narrow　gates　of　fortune　and　fame。　　Yet　there　are　others　to　whom

success；　though　easily　within　their　reach；　does　not　seem　a　thing　to

be　grasped　at。　　Of　two　such；　the　pathetic　story　may　be　read；　in　the

Memoir　of　A　Scotch　Probationer；　Mr。　Thomas　Davidson；　who　died　young；

an　unplaced　Minister　of　the　United　Presbyterian　Church；　in　1869。