a house-boat on the styx-第11部分

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way　they　do　you。〃



〃Can　it　be　that　I　can　ever　be　out　of　date？〃　asked　Shakespeare。　　〃I

know；　of　course；　that　I　have　to　be　adapted　at　times；　but　to　be　wholly

out　of　date　strikes　me　as　a　hard　fate。〃



〃You're　not　out　of　date；〃　interposed　Carlyle；　〃the　date　is　out　of

you。　　There　is　a　great　demand　for　Shakespeare　in　these　days；　but

there　isn't　any　stuff。〃



〃Then　I　should　succeed；〃　said　Shakespeare。



〃No；　I　don't　think　so；〃　returned　Carlyle。　　〃You　couldn't　stand　the

pace。　　The　world　revolves　faster　to…day　than　it　did　in　your　timemen

write　three　or　four　plays　at　once。　　This　is　what　you　might　call　a

Type…writer　Age；　and　to　keep　up　with　the　procession　you'd　have　to

work　as　you　never　worked　before。〃



〃That　is　true；〃　observed　Tennyson。　　〃You'd　have　to　learn　to　be

ambidextrous；　so　that　you　could　keep　two　type…writing　machines　going

at　once；　and；　to　be　perfectly　frank　with　you；　I　cannot　even　conjure

up　in　my　fancy　a　picture　of　you　knocking　out　a　tragedy　with　the　right

hand　on　one　machine；　while　your　left　hand　is　fashioning　a　farce…

comedy　on　another。〃



〃He　might　do　as　a　great　many　modern　writers　do；〃　said　Ward；　〃go　in

for　the　Paper…doll　Drama。　　Cut　the　whole　thing　out　with　a　pair　of

scissors。　　As　the　poet　might　have　said　if　he'd　been　clever　enough：





Oh；　bring　me　the　scissors；

And　bring　me　the　glue；

And　a　couple　of　dozen　old　plays。

I'll　cut　out　and　paste

A　drama　for　you

That'll　run　for　quite　sixty…two　days。



Oh；　bring　me　a　dress

Made　of　satin　and　lace；

And　a　booksay　Joe　Miller'sof　wit；

And　I'll　make　the　old　dramatists

Blue　in　the　face

With　the　play　that　I'll　turn　out　for　it。



So　bring　me　the　scissors；

And　bring　me　the　paste；

And　a　dozen　fine　old　comedies；

A　fine　line　of　dresses；

And　popular　taste

I'll　make　a　strong　effort　to　please。





〃You　draw　a　very　blue　picture；　it　seems　to　me；〃　said　Shakespeare；

sadly。



〃Well；　it's　true；〃　said　Carlyle。　　〃The　world　isn't　at　all　what　it

used　to　be　in　any　one　respect；　and　you　fellows　who　made　great

reputations　centuries　ago　wouldn't　have　even　the　ghost　of　a　show　now。

I　don't　believe　Homer　could　get　a　poem　accepted　by　a　modern　magazine；

and　while　the　comic　papers　are　still　printing　Diogenes'　jokes　the　old

gentleman　couldn't　make　enough　out　of　them　in　these　days　to　pay　taxes

on　his　tub；　let　alone　earning　his　bread。〃



〃That　is　exactly　so；〃　said　Tennyson。　　〃I'd　be　willing　to　wager　too

that；　in　the　line　of　personal　prowess；　even　D'Artagnan　and　Athos　and

Porthos　and　Aramis　couldn't　stand　London　for　one　day。〃



〃Or　New　York　either；〃　said　Mr。　Barnum；　who　had　been　an　interested

listener。　　〃A　New　York　policeman　could　have　managed　that　quartet　with

one　hand。〃



〃Then；〃　said　Shakespeare；　〃in　the　opinion　of　you　gentlemen；　we　old…

time　lions　would　appear　to　modern　eyes　to　be　more　or　less　stuffed？〃



〃That's　about　the　size　of　it；〃　said　Carlyle。



〃But　you'd　draw；〃　said　Barnum；　his　face　lighting　up　with　pleasure。

〃You'd　drive　a　five…legged　calf　to　suicide　from　envy。　　If　I　could

take　you　and　Caesar；　and　Napoleon　Bonaparte　and　Nero　over　for　one

circus　season　we'd　drive　the　mint　out　of　business。〃



〃There's　your　chance；　William；〃　said　Ward。　　〃You　write　a　play　for

Bonaparte　and　Caesar；　and　let　Nero　take　his　fiddle　and　be　the

orchestra。　　Under　Barnum's　management　you'd　get　enough　activity　in

one　season　to　last　you　through　all　eternity。〃



〃You　can　count　on　me；〃　said　Barnum；　rising。　　〃Let　me　know　when　you've

got　your　plan　laid　out。　　I'd　stay　and　make　a　contract　with　you　now；

but　Adam　has　promised　to　give　me　points　on　the　management　of　wild

animals　without　cages；　so　I　can't　wait。　　By…by。〃



〃Humph！〃　said　Shakespeare；　as　the　eminent　showman　passed　out。

〃That's　a　gay　proposition。　　When　monkeys　move　in　polite　society

William　Shakespeare　will　make　a　side…show　of　himself　for　a　circus。〃



〃They　do　now；〃　said　Thackeray；　quietly。



Which　merely　proved　that　Shakespeare　did　not　mean　what　he　said；　for

in　spite　of　Thackeray's　insinuation　as　to　the　monkeys　and　polite

society；　he　has　not　yet　accepted　the　Barnum　proposition；　though　there

can　be　no　doubt　of　its　value　from　the　point　of　view　of　a　circus

manager。







CHAPTER　IX：　　AS　TO　COOKERY　AND　SCULPTURE







Robert　Burns　and　Homer　were　seated　at　a　small　table　in　the　dining…

room　of　the　house…boat；　discussing　everything　in　general　and　the

shade　of　a　very　excellent　luncheon　in　particular。



〃We　are　in　great　luck　to…day；〃　said　Burns；　as　he　cut　a　ruddy　duck　in

twain。　　〃This　bird　is　done　just　right。〃



〃I　agree　with　you；〃　returned　Homer；　drawing　his　chair　a　trifle　closer

to　the　table。　　〃Compared　to　the　one　we　had　here　last　Thursday；　this

is　a　feast　for　the　gods。　　I　wonder　who　it　was　that　cooked　this　fowl

originally？〃



〃I　give　it　up；　but　I　suspect　it　was　done　by　some　man　who　knew　his

business；〃　said　Burns；　with　a　smack　of　his　lips。　　〃It's　a　pity；　I

think；　my　dear　Homer；　that　there　is　no　means　by　which　a　cook　may

become　immortal。　　Cooking　is　as　much　of　an　art　as　is　the　writing　of

poetry；　and　just　as　there　are　immortal　poets　so　there　should　be

immortal　cooks。　　See　what　an　advantage　the　poet　hashe　writes

something；　it　goes　out　and　reaches　the　inmost　soul　of　the　man　who

reads　it；　and　it　is　signed。　　His　work　is　known　because　he　puts　his

name　to　it；　but　this　poor　devil　of　a　cookwhere　is　he？　　He　has　done

his　work　as　well　as　the　poet　ever　did　his；　it　has　reached　the　inmost

soul　of　the　mortal　who　originally　ate　it；　but　he　cannot　get　the　glory

of　it　because　he　cannot　put　his　name　to　it。　　If　the　cook　could　sign

his　work　it　would　be　different。〃



〃You　have　hit　upon　a　great　truth；〃　said　Homer；　nodding；　as　he

sometimes　was　wont　to　do。　　〃And　yet　I　fear　that；　ingenious　as　we　are；

we　cannot　devise　a　plan　to　remedy　the　matter。　　I　do　not　know　about

you；　but　I　should　myself　much　object　if　my　birds　and　my　flapjacks；

and　other　things；　digestible　and　otherwise；　that　I　eat　here　were

served　with　the　cook's　name　written　upon　them。　　An　omelette　is

sometimes　a　picture〃



〃I've　seen　omelettes　that　looked　like　one　of　Turner's　sunsets；〃

acquiesced　Burns。



〃Precisely；　and　when　Turner　puts　down　in　one　corner　of　his　canvas；

'Turner；　fecit；'　you　do　not　object；　but　if　the　cook　did　that　with　the

omelette　you　wouldn't　like　it。〃



〃No；〃　said　Burns；　〃but　he　might　fasten　a　tag　to　it；　with　his　name

written　upon　that。〃



〃That　is　so；〃　said　Homer；　〃but　the　result　in　the　end　would　be　the

same。　　The　tags　would　get　lost；　or　perhaps　a　careless　waiter；

dropping　a　tray　full　of　dainties；　would　get　the　tags　of　a　good　and

bad　cook　mixed　in　trying　to　restore　the　contents　of　the　tray　to　their

previous　condition。　　The　tag　system　would　fail。〃



〃There　is　but　one　other　way　that　I　can　think　of；〃　said　Burns；　〃and

that　would　do　no　good　now　unless　we　can　convey　our　ideas　into　the

other　world；　that　is；　for　a　great　poet　to　lend　his　genius　to　the

great　cook；　and　make　the　latter's　name　immortal　by　putting　it　into　a

poem。　　Say；　for　instance；　that　you　had　eaten　a　fine　bit　of　terrapin；

done　to　the　most　exquisite　pointyou　could　have　asked　the　cook's

name；　and　written　an　apostrophe　to　her。　　Something　like　this；　for

instance：





Oh；　Dinah　Rudd！　oh；　Dinah　Rudd！

Thou　art　a　cook　of　bluest　blood！

Nowhere　within

This　world　of　sin

Have　I　e'er　tasted　better　terrapin。





Do　you　see？〃



〃I　do；　but　even　then；　my　dear　fellow；　the　cook　would　fall　short　of

true　fame。　　Her　excellence　would　be　a　mere　matter　of　hearsay

evidence；〃　said　Homer。



〃Not　if　you　went　on　to　describe；　in　a　keenly　analytical　manner；　the

virtues　of　that　particular　bit　of　terrapin；〃　said　Burns。　　〃Draw　so

vivid　a　picture　of　the　dish　that　the　reader　himself　would　taste　that

terrapin　even　as　you　tasted　it。〃



〃You　have　hit　it！〃　cried　Homer；　enthusiastically。　　〃It　is　a　grand

plan；　but　how　to　introduce　itthat　is　the　question。〃



〃We　can　haunt　some　modern　poet；　and　give　him　the　idea　in　that　way；〃

suggested　Burns。　　〃He　will　see　the　novelty　of　it；　and　will　possibly

disseminate　the　idea　as　we　wish　it　to　be　disseminated。〃



〃Done！〃　said　Homer。　　〃I'll　begin　right　away。　　I　feel　like　haunting

to…night。　　I'm　getting　to　be　a　pretty　old　ghost；　but　I'll　never　lose

my　love　of　haunting。〃



At　this　point；　as　Homer　spoke；　a　fine…looking　spirit　entered　the

room；　and　took　a　seat　at　the　head　of　the　long　table　at　which　the

regular　club　dinner　was　nightly　served。



〃Why；　bless　me！〃　said　Homer；　his　face　lighting　up　with　pleasure。

〃Why；　Phidias；　is　that　you？〃



〃I　think　so；〃　said　the　new…comer；　wearily；　〃at　any　rate；　it's　all

that's　left　of　me。〃



〃Come　over　here　and　lunch　with　us；〃　said　Homer。　　〃You　know　Burns；

don't　you？〃



〃Haven't　the　pleasure；〃　said　Phidias。



The　poet　and　the　sculptor　were　introduced；　after　which　Phidias　seated

himself　at　Homer's　side。



〃Are　you　any　relation　to　Burns　the　poet？〃　the　former　asked；

addressing　the　Scotchman。



〃I　AM　Burns　the　poet；〃　replied　the　other。



〃You　don't　look　much　like　your　statues；〃　said　Phidias；　scanning　his

face　critically。



〃No；　thank　the　Fates！〃　said　Burns；　warmly。　　〃If　I　did；　I'd　commit

suicide。〃



〃Why　don't　you　sue　the　sculptors　for　libel？〃　asked　Phidias。



〃You　speak　with　a　great　deal　of　feeling；　Phidias；〃　said　Homer；


gravely。　　〃Have　they　done　anything　to　hurt　you？〃



〃They　have；〃　said　Phidias。　　〃I　have　just　returned　from　a　tour　of　the

world。　　I　have　seen　the　things　they　call　sculpture　in　these

degenerate　days；　and　I　must　confesswho　shouldn't；　perhapsthat　I

could　have　done　better　work　with　a　baseball…bat　for　a　chisel　and

putty　for　the　raw　material。〃



〃I　think　I　could　do　good　work　with　a　baseball…bat　too；〃　said　Burns；

〃but　as　for　the　raw　material；　give　me　the　heads　of　the　men　who　have

sculped　me　to　work　on。　　I'd　leave　them　so　that　they'd　look　like　some

of　your　Parthenon　frieze　figures　with　the　noses　gone。〃



〃You　are　a　vin