a house-boat on the styx-第12部分

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of　your　Parthenon　frieze　figures　with　the　noses　gone。〃



〃You　are　a　vindictive　creature；〃　said　Homer。　　〃These　men　you

criticise；　and　whose　heads　you　wish　to　sculp　with　a　baseball…bat；

have　done　more　for　you　than　you　ever　did　for　them。　　Every　statue　of

you　these　men　have　made　is　a　standing　advertisement　of　your　books；

and　it　hasn't　cost　you　a　penny。　　There　isn't　a　doubt　in　my　mind　that

if　it　were　not　for　those　statues　countless　people　would　go　to　their

graves　supposing　that　the　great　Scottish　Burns　were　little　rivulets；

and　not　a　poet。　　What　difference　does　it　make　to　you　if　they　haven't

made　an　Adonis　of　you？　　You　never　set　them　an　example　by　making　one

of　yourself。　　If　there's　deception　anywhere；　it　isn't　you　that　is

deceived；　it　is　the　mortals。　　And　who　cares　about　them　or　their

opinions？〃



〃I　never　thought　of　it　in　that　way；〃　said　Burns。　　〃I　hate

caricaturesthat　is；　caricatures　of　myself。　　I　enjoy　caricatures　of

other　people；　but〃



〃You　have　a　great　deal　of　the　mortal　left　in　you；　considering　that

you　pose　as　an　immortal；〃　said　Homer；　interrupting　the　speaker。



〃Well；　so　have　I；〃　said　Phidias；　resolved　to　stand　by　Burns　in　the

argument；　〃and　I'm　sorry　for　the　man　who　hasn't。　　I　was　a　mortal

once；　and　I'm　glad　of　it。　　I　had　a　good　time；　and　I　don't　care　who

knows　it。　　When　I　look　about　me　and　see　Jupiter；　the　arch…snob　of

creation；　and　Mars；　a　little　tin　warrior　who　couldn't　have　fought　a

soldier　like　Napoleon；　with　all　his　alleged　divinity；　I　thank　the

Fates　that　they　enabled　me　to　achieve　immortality　through　mortal

effort。　　Hang　hereditary　greatness；　I　say。　　These　men　were　born

immortals。　　You　and　I　worked　for　it　and　got　it。　　We　know　what　it

cost。　　It　was　ours　because　we　earned　it；　and　not　because　we　were　born

to　it。　　Eh；　Burns？〃



The　Scotchman　nodded　assent；　and　the　Greek　sculptor　went　on。



〃I　am　not　vindictive　myself；　Homer；〃　he　said。　　〃Nobody　has　hurt　me；

and；　on　the　whole；　I　don't　think　sculpture　is　in　such　a　bad　way；

after　all。　　There's　a　shoemaker　I　wot　of　in　the　mortal　realms　who　can

turn　the　prettiest　last　you　ever　saw；　and　I　encountered　a　carver　in　a

London　eating…house　last　month　who　turned　out　a　slice　of　beef　that

was　cut　as　artistically　as　I　could　have　done　it　myself。　　What　I

object　to　chiefly　is　the　tendency　of　the　times。　　This　is　an

electrical　age；　and　men　in　my　old　profession　aren't　content　to　turn

out　one　chef…d'oeuvre　in　a　lifetime。　　They　take　orders　by　the　gross。

I　waited　upon　inspiration。　　To…day　the　sculptor　waits　upon　custom；

and　an　artist　will　make　a　bust　of　anybody　in　any　material　desired　as

long　as　he　is　sure　of　getting　his　pay　afterwards。　　I　saw　a　life…size

statue　of　the　inventor　of　a　new　kind　of　lard　the　other　day；　and　what

do　you　suppose　the　material　was？　　Gold？　　Not　by　a　great　deal。　　Ivory？

Marble；　even？　　Not　a　bit　of　it。　　He　was　done　in　lard；　sir。　　I　have

seen　a　woman's　head　done　in　butter；　too；　and　it　makes　me　distinctly

weary　to　think　that　my　art　should　be　brought　so　low。〃



〃You　did　your　best　work　in　Greece；〃　chuckled　Homer。



〃A　bad　joke；　my　dear　Homer；〃　retorted　Phidias。　　〃I　thought　sculpture

was　getting　down　to　a　pretty　low　ebb　when　I　had　to　fashion　friezes

out　of　marble；　but　marble　is　more　precious　than　rubies　alongside　of

butter　and　lard。〃



〃Each　has　its　uses；〃　said　Homer。　　〃I'd　rather　have　butter　on　my　bread

than　marble；　but　I　must　confess　that　for　sculpture　it　is　very　poor

stuff；　as　you　say。〃



〃It　is　indeed；〃　said　Phidias。　　〃For　practice　it's　all　right　to　use

butter；　but　for　exhibition　purposesbah！〃



Here　Phidias；　to　show　his　contempt　for　butter　as　raw　material　in

sculpture；　seized　a　wooden　toothpick；　and　with　it　modelled　a

beautiful　head　of　Minerva　out　of　the　pat　that　stood　upon　the　small

plate　at　his　side；　and　before　Burns　could　interfere　had　spread　the

chaste　figure　as　thinly　as　he　could　upon　a　piece　of　bread；　which　he

tossed　to　the　shade　of　a　hungry　dog　that　stood　yelping　on　the　river…

bank。



〃Heavens！〃　cried　Burns。　　〃Imperious　Caesar　dead　and　turned　to　bricks

is　as　nothing　to　a　Minerva　carved　by　Phidias　used　to　stay　the　hunger

of　a　ravening　cur。〃



〃Well；　it's　the　way　I　feel；〃　said　Phidias；　savagely。



〃I　think　you　are　a　trifle　foolish　to　be　so　eternally　vexed　about　it；〃

said　Homer；　soothingly。　　〃Of　course　you　feel　badly；　but；　after　all；

what's　the　use？　　You　must　know　that　the　mortals　would　pay　more　for

one　of　your　statues　than　they　would　for　a　specimen　of　any　modern

sculptor's　art；　yes；　even　if　yours　were　modelled　in　wine…jelly　and

the　other　fellow's　in　pure　gold。　　So　why　repine？〃



〃You'd　feel　the　same　way　if　poets　did　a　similarly　vulgar　thing；〃

retorted　Phidias；　〃you　know　you　would。　　If　you　should　hear　of　a　poet

to…day　writing　a　poem　on　a　thin　layer　of　lard　or　butter；　you　would

yourself　be　the　first　to　call　a　halt。〃



〃No；　I　shouldn't；〃　said　Homer；　quietly；　〃in　fact；　I　wish　the　poets

would　do　that。　　We'd　have　fewer　bad　poems　to　read；　and　that's　the　way

you　should　look　at　it。　　I　venture　to　say　that　if　this　modern　plan　of

making　busts　and　friezes　in　butter　had　been　adopted　at　an　earlier

period；　the　public　places　in　our　great　cities　and　our　national

Walhallas　would　seem　less　like　repositories　of　comic　art；　since　the

first　critical　rays　of　a　warm　sun　would　have　reduced　the　carven

atrocities　therein　to　a　spot　on　the　pavement。　　The　butter　school　of

sculpture　has　its　advantages；　my　boy；　and　you　should　be　crowning　the

inventor　of　the　system　with　laurel；　and　not　heaping　coals　of　fire

upon　his　brow。〃



〃That；〃　said　Burns；　〃is；　after　all；　the　solid　truth；　Phidias。　　Take

the　brass　caricatures　of　me；　for　instance。　　Where　would　they　be　now

if　they　had　been　cast　in　lard　instead　of　in　bronze？〃



Phidias　was　silent　a　moment。



〃Well；〃　he　said；　finally；　as　the　value　of　the　plan　dawned　upon　his

mind；　〃from　that　point　of　view　I　don't　know　but　what　you　are　right；

after　all；　and；　to　show　that　I　have　spoken　in　no　vindictive　spirit；

let　me　propose　a　toast。　　Here's　to　the　Butter　Sculptors。　　May　their

butter　never　give　out。〃



The　toast　was　drained　to　the　dregs；　and　Phidias　went　home　feeling　a

little　better。







CHAPTER　X：　　STORY…TELLERS'　NIGHT







It　was　Story…tellers'　Night　at　the　houseboat；　and　the　best　talkers　of

Hades　were　impressed　into　the　service。　　Doctor　Johnson　was　made

chairman　of　the　evening。



〃Put　him　in　the　chair；〃　said　Raleigh。　　〃That's　the　only　way　to　keep

him　from　telling　a　story　himself。　　If　he　starts　in　on　a　tale　he'll

make　it　a　serial　sure　as　fate；　but　if　you　make　him　the　medium　through

which　other　story…tellers　are　introduced　to　the　club　he'll　be　finely

epigrammatic。　　He　can　be　very　short　and　sharp　when　he's　talking　about

somebody　else。　　Personality　is　his　forte。〃



〃Great　scheme；〃　said　Diogenes；　who　was　chairman　of　the　entertainment

committee。　　〃The　nights　over　here　are　long；　but　if　Johnson　started　on

a　story　they'd　have　to　reach　twice　around　eternity　and　halfway　back

to　give　him　time　to　finish　all　he　had　to　say。〃



〃He's　not　very　witty；　in　my　judgment；〃　said　Carlyle；　who　since　his

arrival　in　the　other　world　has　manifested　some　jealousy　of　Solomon

and　Doctor　Johnson。



〃That's　true　enough；〃　said　Raleigh；　〃but　he's　strong；　and　he's　bound

to　say　something　that　will　put　the　audience　in　sympathy　with　the　man

that　he　introduces；　and　that's　half　the　success　of　a　Story…tellers'

Night。　　I've　told　stories　myself。　　If　your　audience　doesn't

sympathize　with　you　you'd　be　better　off　at　home　putting　the　baby　to

bed。〃



And　so　it　happened。　　Doctor　Johnson　was　made　chairman；　and　the

evening　came。　　The　Doctor　was　in　great　form。　　A　list　of　the　story…

tellers　had　been　sent　him　in　advance；　and　he　was　prepared。　　The

audience　was　about　as　select　a　one　as　can　be　found　in　Hades。　　The

doors　were　thrown　open　to　the　friends　of　the　members；　and　the　smoke…

furnace　had　been　filled　with　a　very　superior　quality　of　Arcadian

mixture　which　Scott　had　brought　back　from　a　haunting…trip　to　the　home

of　〃The　Little　Minister；〃　at　Thrums。



〃Friends　and　fellow…spooks；〃　the　Doctor　began；　when　all　were　seated

on　the　visionary　camp…stoolswhich；　by　the　way；　are　far　superior　to

those　in　use　in　a　world　of　realities；　because　they　do　not　creak　in

the　midst　of　a　fine　point　demanding　absolute　silence　for

appreciation〃I　do　not　know　why　I　have　been　chosen　to　preside　over

this　gathering　of　phantoms；　it　is　the　province　of　the　presiding

officer　on　occasions　of　this　sort　to　say　pleasant　things；　which　he

does　not　necessarily　endorse；　about　the　sundry　persons　who　are　to　do

the　story…telling。　　Now；　I　suppose　you　all　know　me　pretty　well　by

this　time。　　If　there　is　anybody　who　doesn't；　I'll　be　glad　to　have　him

presented　after　the　formal　work　of　the　evening　is　over；　and　if　I

don't　like　him　I'll　tell　him　so。　　You　know　that　if　I　can　be　counted

upon　for　any　one　thing　it　is　candor；　and　if　I　hurt　the　feelings　of

any　of　these　individuals　whom　I　introduce　to…night；　I　want　them

distinctly　to　understand　that　it　is　not　because　I　love　them　less；　but

that　I　love　truth　more。　　With　thisahblanket　apology；　as　it　were；

to　cover　all　possible　emergencies　that　may　arise　during　the　evening；

I　will　begin。　　The　first　speaker　on　the　programme；　I　regret　to

observe；　is　my　friend　Goldsmith。　　Affairs　of　this　kind　ought　to　begin

with　a　snap；　and　while　Oliver　is　a　most　excellent　writer；　as　a

speaker　he　is　a　pebbleless　Demosthenes。　　If　I　had　had　the　arrangement

of　the　programme　I　should　have　had　Goldsmith　tell　his　story　while　the

rest　of　us　were　down…stairs　at　supper。　　However；　we　must　abide　by　our

programme；　which　is　unconscionably　long；　for　otherwise　we　will　never

get　through　it。　　Those　of　you　who　agree　with　me　as　to　the　pleasure　of

listening　to　my　friend　Goldsmith　will　do　well　to　join　me　in　the

grill…room　while　he　is　speaking；　where；　I　understand；　there　is　a　very

fine　line　of　punches　ready　to　be　served。　　Modest　Noll；　will　you

kindly　inflict　yo