the story of my heart-第11部分

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compelled
to　pause；　at　length；　in　my　weariness；　I　was　full　of　the　same　eagerness　with
which　I　started。　The　sinews　would　obey　no　longer；
but　the　will　was　the　same。　My　frame　could　never　take　the　violent　exertion　my
heart　demanded。　Labour　of　body　was　like　meat
and　drink　to　me。　Over　the　open　hills；　up　the　steep　ascents；　mile　after　mile；
there　was　deep　enjoyment　in　the　long…drawn　breath；
the　spring　of　the　foot；　in　the　act　of　rapid　movement。　　Never　have　I　had
enough　of　it；　I　wearied　long　before　I　was　satisfied；
and　weariness　did　not　bring　a　cessation　of　desire；　the　thirst　was　still
there。　I　rowed；　I　used　the　axe；　I　split　tree…trunks　with　wedges；　my　arms
tired；　but　my　spirit　remained　fresh　and　chafed　against　the　physical
weariness。　My　arms　were　not
strong　enough　to　satisfy　me　with　the　axe；　or　wedges；　or　oars。　There　was
delight　in　the　moment；　but　it　was　not　enough。　I　swam；
and　what　is　more　delicious　than　swimming？　It　is　exercise　and　luxury　at　once。
But　I　could　not　swim　far　enough；　I　was　always　dissatisfied　with　myself　on
leaving　the　water。
Nature　has　not　given　me　a　great　frame；　and　had　it　done　so　I　should　still
have　longed　for　more。　I　was　out　of　doors　all　day；　and　often　half　the　night；
still　I　wanted　more　sunshine；　more　air；　the　hours　were　too　short。　I　feel
this　even　more　now　than　in　the　violence　of　early　youth：　the　hours　are　too
short；　the　day　should　be　sixty　hours　long。　　Slumber；　too；　is　abbreviated　and
restricted；　forty　hours　of　night　and　sleep　would　not　be　too　much。　So　little
can　be　accomplished　in　the　longest　summer　day；　so　little　rest　and　new　force
is　accumulated　in　a　short　eight　hours　of　sleep。

I　live　by　the　sea　now；　I　can　see　nothing　of　it　in　a　day；　why；　I
do　but　get　a　breath　of　it；　and　the　sun　sinks　before　I　have　well
begun　to　think。　Life　is　so　little　and　so　mean。　I　dream　sometimes　backwards
of　the　ancient　times。　If　I　could　have　the　bow　of　Ninus；　and　the　earth　full
of　wild　bulls　and　lions；　to　hunt　them　down；　there　would　be　rest　in　that。　To
shoot　with　a　gun　is　nothing；　a　mere　touch　discharges　it。　Give　me　a　bow；　that
I　may　enjoy　the　delight　of　feeling　myself　draw　the　string　and
the　strong　wood　bending；　that　I　may　see　the　rush　of　the　arrow；　and　the　broad
head　bury　itself　deep　in　shaggy　hide。　Give　me　an　iron　mace　that　I　may　crush
the　savage　beast　and　hammer　him　down。　A　spear　to　thrust　through　with；　so
that　I　may　feel　the　long　blade　enter　and　the　push　of　the　shaft。　The
unwearied　strength　of　Ninus　to　hunt　unceasingly　in　the　fierce　sun。　Still　I
should　desire　greater　strength　and　a　stouter　bow；　wilder　creatures　to
combat。　The　intense　life　of　the　senses；　there　is　never　enough　for　them。　I
envy　Semiramis；　I　would　have　been　ten　times　Semiramis。　I　envy　Nero；　because
of　the　great　concourse　of　beauty　he　saw。　I　should　like　to　be　loved　by　every
beautiful　woman　on　earth；　from　the　swart　Nubian　to　the　white　and　divine
Greek。

Wine　is　pleasant　and　meat　refreshing；　but　though　I　own　with
absolute　honesty　that　I　like　them；　these　are　the　least　of　all。
Of　these　two　only　have　I　ever　had　enough。　The　vehemence　of　exertion；　the
vehemence　of　the　spear；　the　vehemence　of　sunlight　and　life；　the　insatiate
desire　of　insatiate　Semiramis；　the　still　more　insatiate　desire　of　love；
divine　and　beautiful；　the　uncontrollable　adoration　of　beauty；　thesethese：
give　me　these　in　greater　abundance　than　was　ever　known　to　man　or　woman。　The
strength　of　Hercules；　the　fulness　of　the　senses；　the　richness　of　life；　would
not　in　the　least　impair　my　desire　of　soul…life。　On　the　reverse；　with　every
stronger　beat　of　the　pulse　my　desire　of　soul…life　would　expand。　So　it　has
ever　been　with　me；　in　hard　exercise；　in　sensuous　pleasure；　in　the　embrace　of
the　sunlight；
even　in　the　drinking　of　a　glass　of　wine；　my　heart　has　been　lifted　the　higher
towards　perfection　of　soul。　Fulness　of　physical　life　causes　a　deeper　desire
of　soul…life。

Let　me　be　physically　perfect；　in　shape；　vigour；　and　movement。
My　frame；　naturally　slender；　will　not　respond　to　labour；　and　increase　in
proportion　to　effort；　nor　will　exposure　harden　a
delicate　skin。　It　disappoints　me　so　far；　but　my　spirit　rises　with　the
effort；　and　my　thought　opens。　This　is　the　only　profit　of　frost；　the　pleasure
of　winter；　to　conquer　cold；　and　to　feel　braced　and　strengthened　by　that
whose　province　it　is　to　wither　and　destroy；　making　of　cold；　life's　enemy；
life's　renewer。　The　black　north　wind　hardens　the　resolution　as　steel　is
tempered　in　ice…water。　It　is　a　sensual　joy；　as　sensuous　as　the　warm
embrace　of　the　sunlight；　but　fulness　of　physical　life　ever　brings　to　me　a
more　eager　desire　of　soul…life。

Splendid　it　is　to　feel　the　boat　rise　to　the　roller；　or　forced　through　by　the
sail　to　shear　the　foam　aside　like　a　share；　splendid　to　undulate　as　the　chest
lies　on　the　wave；　swimming；　the　brimming　ocean　round：　then　I　know　and　feel
its　deep　strong　tide；　its　immense　fulness；　and　the　sun　glowing　over；
splendid　to　climb　the　steep　green　hill：　in　these　I　feel　myself；　I　drink　the
exquisite　joy　of　the　senses；　and　my　soul　lifts　itself　with　them。　It　is
beautiful　even　to　watch　a　fine　horse　gallop；　the　long　stride；　the　rush　of
the　wind　as　he　passesmy　heart　beats　quicker　to　the　thud　of　the　hoofs；　and
I　feel　his　strength。　Gladly　would　I　have　the　strength　of　the　Tartar　stallion
roaming　the　wild　steppe；　that　very　strength；　what　vehemence　of　soul…thought
would　accompany　it。　But　I　should　like　it；　too；　for　itself。　For　I　believe；
with　all　my　heart；　in　the　body　and
the　flesh；　and　believe　that　it　should　be　increased　and　made　more
beautiful　by　every　means。　I　believeI　do　more　than　thinkI
believe　it　to　be　a　sacred　duty；　incumbent　upon　every　one；　man
and　woman；　to　add　to　and　encourage　their　physical　life；　by
exercise；　and　in　every　manner。　A　sacred　duty　each　towards　himself；　and　each
towards　the　whole　of　the　human　race。　Each　one　of　us　should　do　some　little
part　for　the　physical　good　of　the　racehealth；　strength；　vigour。　　here　is
no　harm　therein　to　the　soul：　on　the　contrary；　those　who　stunt　their　physical
life　are　most　certainly　stunting　their　souls。

I　believe　all　manner　of　asceticism　to　be　the　vilest　blasphemy
blasphemy　towards　the　whole　of　the　human　race。　　I　believe　in　the
flesh　and　the　body；　which　is　worthy　of　worshipto　see　a　perfect　human　body
unveiled　causes　a　sense　of　worship。　The　ascetics　are　the　only　persons　who
are　impure。　Increase　of　physical　beauty　is　attended　by　increase　of　soul
beauty。　The　soul　is　the　high　even　by　gazing　on　beauty。　Let　me　be　fleshly
perfect。

It　is　in　myself　that　I　desire　increase；　profit；　and　exaltation
of　body；　mind；　and　soul。　The　surroundings；　the　clothes；　the　dwelling；　the
social　status；　the　circumstances　are　to　me　utterly　indifferent。　Let　the
floor　of　the　room　be　bare；　let　the　furniture　be　a　plank　table；　the　bed　a
mere　pallet。　Let　the　house　be　plain　and　simple；　but　in　the　midst　of　air　and
light。　These　are　enougha　cave　would　be　enough；　in　a　warmer　climate　the
open　air　would　suffice。　Let　me　be　furnished　in　myself　with　health；　safety；
strength；　the　perfection　of　physical　existence；　let　my　mind　be　furnished
with　highest　thoughts　of　soul…life。　Let　me　be　in　myself　myself　fully。　The
pageantry　of　power；　the　still　more
foolish　pageantry　of　wealth；　the　senseless　precedence　of　place；
words　fail　me　to　express　my　utter　contempt　for　such　pleasure　or
such　ambitions。　Let　me　be　in　myself　myself　fully；　and　those　I
love　equally　so。

It　is　enough　to　lie　on　the　sward　in　the　shadow　of　green　boughs；
to　listen　to　the　songs　of　summer；　to　drink　in　the　sunlight；　the　air；　the
flowers；　the　sky；　the　beauty　of　all。　Or　upon　the　hill…tops　to　watch　the
white　clouds　rising　over　the　curved　hill…lines；　their　shadows　descending　the
slope。　Or　on　the　beach　to　listen　to　the　sweet　sigh　as　the　smooth　sea　runs　up
and　recedes。　It　is　lying　beside　the　immortals；　in…drawing　the　life　of　the
ocean；　the　earth；　and　the　sun。

I　want　to　be　always　in　company　with　these；　with　earth；　and　sun；
and　sea；　and　stars　by　night。　　The　pettiness　of　house…lifechairs　and
tablesand　the　pettiness　of　observances；　the　petty　necessity　of　useless
labour；　useless　because　productive　of　nothing；　chafe　me　the　year　through。　I
want　to　be　always　in　company　with　the　sun；　and　sea；　and　earth。　These；　and
the　stars　by　night；　are　my　natural　companions。My　heart　looks　back　and
sympathises　with　all　the　joy　and　life　of　ancient　time。　With　the　circling
dance　burned　in　still　attitude　on　the　vase；　with　the　chase　and　the　hunter
eagerly　pursuing；　whose　javelin　trembles　to　be　thrown；　with　the　extreme　fury
of　feeling；　the　whirl　of　joy　in　the　warriors　from　Marathon　to　the　last
battle　of　Rome；　not　with　the　slaughter；　but　with　the　passionthe　life　in
the　passion；　with　the　garlands　and　the　flowers；　with　all　the　breathing　busts
that　have　panted　beneath　the　sun。　O　beautiful　human　life！　Tears　come　in　my
eyes　as　I　think　of　it。　So　beautiful；　so　inexpressibly　beautiful！

So　deep　is　the　passion　of　life　that；　if　it　were　possible　to　live
again；　it　must　be　exquisite　to　die　pushing　the　eager　breast
against　the　sword。　In　the　flush　of　strength　to　face　the　sharp
pain　joyously；　and　laugh　in　the　last　glance　of　the　sunif　only
to　live　again；　now　on　earth；　were　possible。　So　subtle　is　the
chord　of　life　that　sometimes　to　watch　troops　marching　in　rhythmic　order；
undulating　along　the　column　as　the　feet　are　lifted；　brings　tears　in　my　eyes。
Yet　could　I　have　in　my　own　heart　all　the　passion；　the　love　and　joy；　burned
in　the　breasts　that　have　panted；　breathing　deeply；　since　the　hour　of　Ilion；
yet　still　I　should　desire　more。　How　willingly　I　would　strew　the　paths　of　all
with　flowers；　how　beautiful　a　delight　to　make　the　world　joyous！　The　song
should　never　be　silent；　the　dance　never　still；　the　laugh　should　sound　like
water　which　runs　for　ever。

I　would　submit　to　a　severe　discipline；　and　to　go　without　many
things　cheerfully；　for　the　good　and　happiness　of　the　human　race
in　the　future。　Each　one　of　us　should　do　something；　however　small；　towards
that　great　end。　At　the　present　time　the　labour　of　our　predecessors　in　this
country；　in　all　other　countries　of　the　earth；　is　entirely　wasted。　We
livethat　is；　we　snatch　an　existenceand　ourworks　become　nothing。　The
piling　up　of　fortunes；　the　building　of　cities；　the　establishment　of　immense
commerce；　ends　in