curious republic of gondour-第4部分

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careful　not　to　overwhelm　the　satire　with　the　extraneous　interest　of　the
travesty；　and　so　bury　it　from　the　reader's　sight　and　leave　him　a　joked
and　defrauded　victim；　when　the　honest　intent　was　to　add　to　either　his
knowledge　or　his　wisdom。　　I　have　had　a　deal　of　experience　in　burlesques
and　their　unfortunate　aptness　to　deceive　the　public；　and　this　is　why　I
tried　hard　to　make　that　agricultural　one　so　broad　and　so　perfectly
palpable　that　even　a　one…eyed　potato　could　see　it；　and　yet；　as　I　speak
the　solemn　truth；　it　fooled　one　of　the　ablest　agricultural　editors　in
America！






DAN　MURPHY

One　of　the　saddest　things　that　ever　came　under　my　notice　（said　the
banker's　clerk）　was　there　in　Corning；　during　the　war。　　Dan　Murphy
enlisted　as　a　private；　and　fought　very　bravely。　　The　boys　all　liked　him；
and　when　a　wound　by　and　by　weakened　him　down　till　carrying　a　musket　was
too　heavy　work　for　him；　they　clubbed　together　and　fixed　him　up　as　a
sutler。　　He　made　money　then；　and　sent　it　always　to　his　wife　to　bank　for
him。　　She　was　a　washer　and　ironer；　and　knew　enough　by　hard　experience　to
keep　money　when　she　got　it。　　She　didn't　waste　a　penny。　　On　the　contrary；
she　began　to　get　miserly　as　her　bank　account　grew。　　She　grieved　to　part
with　a　cent；　poor　creature；　for　twice　in　her　hard…working　life　she　had
known　what　it　was　to　be　hungry；　cold；　friendless；　sick；　and　without　a
dollar　in　the　world；　and　she　had　a　haunting　dread　of　suffering　so　again。
Well；　at　last　Dan　died；　and　the　boys；　in　testimony　of　their　esteem　and
respect　for　him；　telegraphed　to　Mrs。　　Murphy　to　know　if　she　would　like　to
have　him　embalmed　and　sent　home；　when　you　know　the　usual　custom　was　to
dump　a　poor　devil　like　him　into　a　shallow　hole；　and　then　inform　his
friends　what　had　become　of　him。　　Mrs。　　Murphy　jumped　to　the　conclusion
that　it　would　only　cost　two　or　three　dollars　to　embalm　her　dead　husband；
and　so　she　telegraphed　〃Yes。〃　　It　was　at　the　〃wake〃　that　the　bill　for
embalming　arrived　and　was　presented　to　the　widow。　　She　uttered　a　wild；
sad　wail；　that　pierced　every　heart；　and　said：　〃Sivinty…foive　dollars　for
stoofhn'　Dan；　blister　their　sowls！　　Did　thim　divils　suppose　I　was　goin'
to　stairt　a　Museim；　that　I'd　be　dalin'　in　such　expinsive　curiassities！〃

The　banker's　clerk　said　there　was　not　a　dry　eye　in　the　house。






THE　〃TOURNAMENT〃　IN　A。　D。　1870

Lately　there　appeared　an　item　to　this　effect；　and　the　same　went　the
customary　universal　round　of　the　press：

　　　　　A　telegraph　station　has　just　been　established　upon　the　traditional
　　　　　site　of　the　Garden　of　Eden。

As　a　companion　to　that；　nothing　fits　so　aptly　and　so　perfectly　as　this：

　　　　　Brooklyn　has　revived　the　knightly　tournament　of　the　Middle　Ages。

It　is　hard　to　tell　which　is　the　most　startling；　the　idea　of　that　highest
achievement　of　human　genius　and　intelligence；　the　telegraph；　prating　away
about　the　practical　concerns　of　the　world's　daily　life　in　the　heart　and
home　of　ancient　indolence；　ignorance；　and　savagery；　or　the　idea　of　that
happiest　expression　of　the　brag；　vanity；　and　mock…heroics　of　our
ancestors；　the　〃tournament；〃　coming　out　of　its　grave　to　flaunt　its　tinsel
trumpery　and　perform　its　〃chivalrous〃　absurdities　in　the　high　noon　of　the
nineteenth　century；　and　under　the　patronage　of　a　great；　broad…awake　city
and　an　advanced　civilisation。

A　〃tournament〃　in　Lynchburg　is　a　thing　easily　within　the　comprehension　of
the　average　mind；　but　no　commonly　gifted　person　can　conceive　of　such　a
spectacle　in　Brooklyn　without　straining　his　powers。　　Brooklyn　is　part　and
parcel　of　the　city　of　New　York；　and　there　is　hardly　romance　enough　in　the
entire　metropolis　to　re…supply　a　Virginia　〃knight〃　with　〃chivalry；〃　in
case　he　happened　to　run　out　of　it。　　Let　the　reader　calmly　and
dispassionately　picture　to　himself　〃lists〃　in　Brooklyn；　heralds；
pursuivants；　pages；　garter　king…at…armsin　Brooklyn；　the　marshalling　of
the　fantastic　hosts　of　〃chivalry〃　in　slashed　doublets；　velvet　trunks；
ruffles；　and　plumesin　Brooklyn；　mounted　on　omnibus　and　livery…stable
patriarchs；　promoted；　and　referred　to　in　cold　blood　as　〃steeds；〃
〃destriers；〃　and　〃chargers；〃　and　divested　of　their　friendly；　humble　names
these　meek　old　〃Jims〃　and　〃Bobs〃　and　〃Charleys；〃　and　renamed　〃Mohammed；〃
〃Bucephalus；〃　and　〃Saladin〃in　Brooklyn；　mounted　thus；　and　armed　with
swords　and　shields　and　wooden　lances；　and　cased　in　paste　board　hauberks；
morions；　greaves；　and　gauntlets；　and　addressed　as　〃Sir〃　Smith；　and　〃Sir〃
Jones；　and　bearing　such　titled　grandeurs　as　〃The　Disinherited　Knight；〃
the　〃Knight　of　Shenandoah；〃　the　〃Knight　of　the　Blue　Ridge；〃　the　〃Knight
of　Maryland；〃　and　the　〃Knight　of　the　Secret　Sorrow〃in　Brooklyn；　and　at
the　toot　of　the　horn　charging　fiercely　upon　a　helpless　ring　hung　on　a
post；　and　prodding　at　it　in　trepidly　with　their　wooden　sticks；　and　by　and
by　skewering　it　and　cavorting　back　to　the　judges'　stand　covered　with
glory　this　in　Brooklyn；　and　each　noble　success　like　this　duly　and
promptly　announced　by　an　applauding　toot　from　the　herald's　horn；　and　〃the
band　playing　three　bars　of　an　old　circus　tune〃all　in　Brooklyn；　in　broad
daylight。　　And　let　the　reader　remember；　and　also　add　to　his　picture；　as
follows；　to　wit：　when　the　show　was　all　over；　the　party　who　had　shed　the
most　blood　and　overturned　and　hacked　to　pieces　the　most　knights；　or　at
least　had　prodded　the　most　muffin…rings；　was　accorded　the　ancient
privilege　of　naming　and　crowning　the　Queen　of　Love　and　Beautywhich
naming　had　in　reality　been　done　for；　him　by　the　〃cut…and…dried〃　process；
and　long　in　advance；　by　a　committee　of　ladies；　but　the　crowning　he　did　in
person；　though　suffering　from　loss　of　blood；　and　then　was　taken　to　the
county　hospital　on　a　shutter　to　have　his　wounds　dressedthese　curious
things　all　occurring　in　Brooklyn；　and　no　longer　ago　than　one　or　two
yesterdays。　　It　seems　impossible；　and　yet　it　is　true。

This　was　doubtless　the　first　appearance　of　the　〃tournament〃　up　here　among
the　rolling…mills　and　factories；　and　will　probably　be　the　last。　　It　will
be　well　to　let　it　retire　permanently　to　the　rural　districts　of　Virginia；
where；　it　is　said；　the　fine　mailed　and　plumed；　noble…natured；　maiden…
rescuing；　wrong…redressing；　adventure…seeking　knight　of　romance　is
accepted　and　believed　in　by　the　peasantry　with　pleasing　simplicity；　while
they　reject　with　scorn　the　plain；　unpolished　verdict　whereby　history
exposes　him　as　a　braggart；　a　ruffian；　a　fantastic　vagabond；　and　an
ignoramus。

All　romance　aside；　what　shape　would　our　admiration　of　the　heroes　of　Ashby
de　la　Zouch　be　likely　to　take；　in　this　practical　age；　if　those　worthies
were　to　rise　up　and　come　here　and　perform　again　the　chivalrous　deeds　of
that　famous　passage　of　arms？　　Nothing　but　a　New　York　jury　and　the
insanity　plea　could　save　them　from　hanging；　from　the　amiable　Bois…
Guilbert　and　the　pleasant　Front…de…Boeuf　clear　down　to　the　nameless
ruffians　that　entered　the　riot　with　unpictured　shields　and　did　their
first　murder　and　acquired　their　first　claim　to　respect　that　day。　　The
doings　of　the　so…called　〃chivalry〃　of　the　Middle　Ages　were　absurd　enough；
even　when　they　were　brutally　and　bloodily　in　earnest；　and　when　their
surroundings　of　castles　and　donjons；　savage　landscapes　and　half…savage
peoples；　were　in　keeping；　but　those　doings　gravely　reproduced　with　tinsel
decorations　and　mock　pageantry；　by　bucolic　gentlemen　with　broomstick
lances；　and　with　muffin…rings　to　represent　the　foe；　and　all　in　the　midst
of　the　refinement　and　dignity　of　a　carefully…developed　modern
civilisation；　is　absurdity　gone　crazy。

Now；　for　next　exhibition；　let　us　have　a　fine　representation　of　one　of
those　chivalrous　wholesale　butcheries　and　burnings　of　Jewish　women　and
children；　which　the　crusading　heroes　of　romance　used　to　indulge　in　in
their　European　homes；　just　before　starting　to　the　Holy　Land；　to　seize　and
take　to　their　protection　the　Sepulchre　and　defend　it　from　〃pollution。〃






CURIOUS　RELIC　FOR　SALE

　　　　　〃For　sale；　for　the　benefit　of　the　Fund　for　the　Relief　of　the　Widows
　　　　　and　Orphans　of　Deceased　Firemen；　a　Curious　Ancient　Bedouin　Pipe；
　　　　　procured　at　the　city　of　Endor　in　Palestine；　and　believed　to　have
　　　　　once　belonged　to　the　justly…renowned　Witch　of　Endor。　　Parties
　　　　　desiring　to　examine　this　singular　relic　with　a　view　to　purchasing；
　　　　　can　do　so　by　calling　upon　Daniel　S。。　119　and　121　William　street；　New
　　　　　York〃

As　per　advertisement　in　the　〃Herald。〃　　A　curious　old　relic　indeed；　as　I
had　a　good　personal　right　to　know。　　In　a　single　instant　of　time；　a　long
drawn　panorama　of　sights　and　scenes　in　the　Holy　Land　flashed　through　my
memorytown　and　grove；　desert；　camp；　and　caravan　clattering　after　each
other　and　disappearing；　leaping　me　with　a　little　of　the　surprised　and
dizzy　feeling　which　I　have　experienced　at　sundry　times　when　a　long
express　train　has　overtaken　me　at　some　quiet　curve　and　gone　whizzing；　car
by　car；　around　the　corner　and　out　of　sight。　　In　that　prolific　instant　I
saw　again　all　the　country　from　the　Sea　of　Galilee　and　Nazareth　clear　to
Jerusalem；　and　thence　over　the　hills　of　Judea　and　through　the　Vale　of
Sharon　to　Joppa；　down　by　the　ocean。　　Leaving　out　unimportant　stretches　of
country　and　details　of　incident；　I　saw　and　experienced　the　following…
described　matters　and　things。　　Immediately　three　years　fell　away　from　my
age；　and　a　vanished　time　was　restored　to　me　September；　1867。　　It　was　a
flaming　Oriental　daythis　one　that　had　come　up　out　of　the　past　and
brought　along　its　actors；　its　stage…properties；　and　scenic　effectsand
our　party　had　just　ridden　through　the　squalid　hive　of　human　vermin　which
still　holds　the　ancient　Biblical　name　of　Endor；　I　was　bringing　up　the
rear　on　my　grave　four…dollar　steed；　who　was　about　beginning　to　compose
himself　for　his　usual　noon　nap。　　My！　only　fifteen　minutes　before　how　the
black；　mangy；　nine…tenths　naked；　ten…tenths　filthy；　ignorant；　bigoted；
besotted；　hungry；　lazy；　malignant；　screeching；　crowding；　struggling；
wailing；　begging；　cursing；　hateful　spawn　of　the　original　Witch　had
swarmed　out　of　the　caves　in　the　rocks　and　the　holes　and　crevices　in　the
earth；　and　blocked　our　horses'　way；　besieged　us；　threw　themselves　in　the
animals'　path；　clung　to　their　manes；　saddle…furniture；　and　tails；　asking；