curious republic of gondour-第7部分

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Spain；　and　she　ought　to　be　made　to　move　at　once；　though；　poor　thing；　she
has　been　chaste　enough　heretoforefor　a　Spanish　woman。

I　should　also　require　that

I　am　at　this　moment　authoritatively　informed　that　〃The　Tribune〃　did　not
mean　me；　after　all。　　Very　well；　I　do　not　care　two　cents。






THE　APPROACHING　EPIDEMIC

One　calamity　to　which　the　death　of　Mr。　Dickens　dooms　this　country　has　not
awakened　the　concern　to　which　its　gravity　entitles　it。　　We　refer　to　the
fact　that　the　nation　is　to　be　lectured　to　death　and　read　to　death　all
next　winter；　by　Tom；　Dick；　and　Harry；　with　poor　lamented　Dickens　for　a
pretext。　　All　the　vagabonds　who　can　spell　will　afflict　the　people　with
〃readings〃　from　Pickwick　and　Copperfield；　and　all　the　insignificants　who
have　been　ennobled　by　the　notice　of　the　great　novelist　or　transfigured　by
his　smile　will　make　a　marketable　commodity　of　it　now；　and　turn　the　sacred
reminiscence　to　the　practical　use　of　procuring　bread　and　butter。　　The
lecture　rostrums　will　fairly　swarm　with　these　fortunates。　　Already　the
signs　of　it　are　perceptible。　　Behold　how　the　unclean　creatures　are
wending　toward　the　dead　lion　and　gathering　to　the　feast：

〃Reminiscences　of　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Smith；　who　heard　him
read　eight　times。

〃Remembrances　of　Charles　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Jones；　who　saw
him　once　in　a　street　car　and　twice　in　a　barber　shop。

〃Recollections　of　Mr。　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Brown；　who　gained　a
wide　fame　by　writing　deliriously　appreciative　critiques　and　rhapsodies
upon　the　great　author's　public　readings；　and　who　shook　hands　with　the
great　author　upon　various　occasions；　and　held　converse　with　him　several
times。

〃Readings　from　Dickens。〃　　By　John　White；　who　has　the　great　delineator's
style　and　manner　perfectly；　having　attended　all　his　readings　in　this
country　and　made　these　things　a　study；　always　practising　each　reading
before　retiring；　and　while　it　was　hot　from　the　great　delineator's　lips。
Upon　this　occasion　Mr。　W。　will　exhibit　the　remains　of　a　cigar　which　he
saw　Mr。　Dickens　smoke。　　This　Relic　is　kept　in　a　solid　silver　box　made
purposely　for　it。

〃Sights　and　Sounds　of　the　Great　Novelist。〃　　A　popular　lecture。　　By　John
Gray；　who　；waited　on　his　table　all　the　time　he　was　at　the　Grand　Hotel；
New　York；　and　still　has　in　his　possession　and　will　exhibit　to　the
audience　a　fragment　of　the　Last　Piece　of　Bread　which　the　lamented　author
tasted　in　this　country。

〃Heart　Treasures　of　Precious　Moments　with　Literature's　Departed　Monarch。〃
A　lecture。　　By　Miss　Serena　Amelia　Tryphenia　McSpadden；　who　still　wears；
and　will　always　wear；　a　glove　upon　the　hand　made　sacred　by　the　clasp　of
Dickens。　　Only　Death　shall　remove　it。

〃Readings　from　Dickens。〃　　By　Mrs。　J。　O'Hooligan　Murphy；　who　washed　for
him。

〃Familiar　Talks　with　the　Great　Author。〃　　A　narrative　lecture。　　By　John
Thomas；　for　two　weeks　his　valet　in　America。

And　so　forth；　and　so　on。　　This　isn't　half　the　list。　　The　man　who　has　a
〃Toothpick　once　used　by　Charles　Dickens〃　will　have　to　have　a　hearing；　and
the　man　who　〃once　rode　in　an　omnibus　with　Charles　Dickens；〃　and　the　lady
to　whom　Charles　Dickens　〃granted　the　hospitalities　of　his　umbrella　during
a　storm；〃　and　the　person　who　〃possesses　a　hole　which　once　belonged　in　a
handkerchief　owned　by　Charles　Dickens。〃　　Be　patient　and　long…suffering；
good　people；　for　even　this　does　not　fill　up　the　measure　of　what　you　must
endure　next　winter。　　There　is　no　creature　in　all　this　land　who　has　had
any　personal　relations　with　the　late　Mr。　Dickens；　however　slight　or
trivial；　but　will　shoulder　his　way　to　the　rostrum　and　inflict　his
testimony　upon　his　helpless　countrymen。　　To　some　people　it　is　fatal　to　be
noticed　by　greatness。







THE　TONE…IMPARTING　COMMITTEE

I　get　old　and　ponderously　respectable；　only　one　thing　will　be　able　to
make　me　truly　happy；　and　that　will　be　to　be　put　on　the　Venerable　Tone…
Imparting　committee　of　the　city　of　New　York；　and　have　nothing　to　do　but
sit　on　the　platform；　solemn　and　imposing；　along　with　Peter　Cooper；　Horace
Greeley；　etc。；　etc。；　and　shed　momentary　fame　at　second　hand　on　obscure
lecturers；　draw　public　attention　to　lectures　which　would　otherwise　clack
eloquently　to　sounding　emptiness；　and　subdue　audiences　into　respectful
hearing　of　all　sorts　of　unpopular　and　outlandish　dogmas　and　isms。　　That
is　what　I　desire　for　the　cheer　and　gratification　of　my　gray　hairs。　　Let
me　but　sit　up　there　with　those　fine　relics　of　the　Old　Red　Sandstone
Period　and　give　Tone　to　an　intellectual　entertainment　twice　a　week；　and
be　so　reported；　and　my　happiness　will　be　complete。　　Those　men　have　been
my　envy　for　long；　long　time。　　And　no　memories　of　my　life　are　so　pleasant
as　my　reminiscence　of　their　long　and　honorable　career　in　the　Tone…
imparting　service。　　I　can　recollect　that　first　time　I　ever　saw　them　on
the　platforms　just　as　well　as　I　can　remember　the　events　of　yesterday。
Horace　Greeley　sat　on　the　right；　Peter　Cooper　on　the　left；　and　Thomas
Jefferson；　Red　Jacket；　Benjamin　Franklin；　and　John　Hancock　sat　between
them。　　This　was　on　the　22d　of　December；　1799；　on　the　occasion　of　the
state'　funeral　of　George　Washington　in　New　York。　　It　was　a　great　day；
thata　great　day；　and　a　very；　very　sad　one。　　I　remember　that　Broadway
was　one　mass　of　black　crape　from　Castle　Garden　nearly　up　to　where　the
City　Hall　now　stands。　　The　next　time　I　saw　these　gentlemen　officiate　was
at　a　ball　given　for　the　purpose　of　procuring　money　and　medicines　for　the
sick　and　wounded　soldiers　and　sailors。　　Horace　Greeley　occupied　one　side
of　the　platform　on　which　the　musicians　were　exalted；　and　Peter　Cooper　the
other。　　There　were　other　Tone…imparters　attendant　upon　the　two　chiefs；
but　I　have　forgotten　their　names　now。　　Horace　Greeley；　gray…haired　and
beaming；　was　in　sailor　costumewhite　duck　pants；　blue　shirt；　open　at　the
breast；　large　neckerchief；　loose　as　an　ox…bow；　and　tied　with　a　jaunty
sailor　knot；　broad　turnover　collar　with　star　in　the　corner；　shiny　black
little　tarpaulin　hat　roosting　daintily　far　back　on　head；　and　flying　two
gallant　long　ribbons。　　Slippers　on　ample　feet；　round　spectacles　on
benignant　nose；　and　pitchfork　in　hand；　completed　Mr。　　Greeley；　and　made
him；　in　my　boyish　admiration；　every　inch　a　sailor；　and　worthy　to　be　the
honored　great…grandfather　of　the　Neptune　he　was　so　ingeniously
representing。　　I　shall　never　forget　him。　　Mr。　Cooper　was　dressed　as　a
general　of　militia；　and　was　dismally　and　oppressively　warlike。　　I
neglected　to　remark；　in　the　proper　place；　that　the　soldiers　and　sailors
in　whose　aid　the　ball　was　given　had　just　been　sent　in　from　Bostonthis
was　during　the　war　of　1812。　　At　the　grand　national　reception　of
Lafayette；　in　1824；　Horace　　Greeley　sat　on　the　right　and　Peter　Cooper　to
the　left。　　The　other　Tone…imparters　of　the　day　are　sleeping　the　sleep　of
the　just　now。　　I　was　in　the　audience　when　Horace　Greeley　Peter　Cooper；
and　other　chief　citizens　imparted　tone　to　the　great　meetings　in　favor　of
French　liberty；　in　1848。　　Then　I　never　saw　them　any　more　until　here
lately；　but　now　that　I　am　living　tolerably　near　the　city；　I　run　down
every　time　I　see　it　announced　that　〃Horace　Greeley；　Peter　Cooper；　and
several　other　distinguished　citizens　will　occupy　seats　on　the　platform；〃
and　next　morning；　when　I　read　in　the　first　paragraph　of　the　phonographic
report　that　〃Horace　Greeley；　Peter　Cooper；　and　several　other
distinguished　citizens　occupied　seats　on　the　platform；〃　I　say　to　myself；
〃Thank　God；　I　was　present。〃　　Thus　I　have　been　enabled　to　see　these
substantial　old　friends　of　mine　sit　on　the　platform　and　give　tone　to
lectures　on　anatomy；　and　lectures　on　agriculture；　and　lectures　on
stirpiculture；　and　lectures　on　astronomy；　on　chemistry；　on　miscegenation；
on　〃Is　Man　Descended　from　the　Kangaroo？〃　on；　veterinary　matters；　on　all
kinds　of　religion；　and　several　kinds　of　politics；　and　have　seen　them　give
tone　and　grandeur　to　the　Four…legged　Girl；　the　Siamese　Twins；　the　Great
Egyptian　Sword　Swallower；　and　the　Old　Original　Jacobs。　　Whenever　somebody
is　to　lecture　on　a　subject　not　of　general　interest；　I　know　that　my
venerated　Remains　of　the　Old　Red　Sandstone　Period　will　be　on　the
platform；　whenever　a　lecturer　is　to　appear　whom　nobody　has　heard　of
before；　nor　will　be　likely　to　seek　to　see；　I　know　that　the　real
benevolence　of　my　old　friends　will　be　taken　advantage　of；　and　that　they
will　be　on　the　platform　（and　in　the　bills）　as　an　advertisement；　and
whenever　any　new　and　obnoxious　deviltry　in　philosophy；　morals；　or
politics　is　to　be　sprung　upon　the　people；　I　know　perfectly　well　that
these　intrepid　old　heroes　will　be　on　the　platform　too；　in　the　interest
of　full　and　free　discussion；　and　to　crush　down　all　narrower　and　less
generous　souls　with　the　solid　dead　weight　of　their　awful　respectability。
And　let　us　all　remember　that　while　these　inveterate　and　imperishable
presiders　（if　you　please）　appear　on　the　platform　every　night　in　the　year
as　regularly　as　the　volunteered　piano　from　Steinway's　or　Chickering's；
and　have　bolstered　up　and　given　tone　to　a　deal　of　questionable　merit　and
obscure　emptiness　in　their　time；　they　have　also　diversified　this
inconsequential　service　by　occasional　powerful　uplifting　and　upholding　of
great　progressive　ideas　which　smaller　men　feared　to　meddle　with　or
countenance。






OUR　PRECIOUS　LUNATIC

＇From　the　Buffalo　Express；　Saturday；　May　14；　1870。＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　New　YORK；　May　10。

The　Richardson…McFarland　jury　had　been　out　one　hour　and　fifty　minutes。
A　breathless　silence　brooded　over　court　and　auditorya　silence　and　a
stillness　so　absolute；　notwithstanding　the　vast　multitude　of　human　beings
packed　together　there；　that　when　some　one　far　away　among　the　throng　under
the　northeast　balcony　cleared　his　throat　with　a　smothered　little　cough　it
startled　everybody　uncomfortably；　so　distinctly　did　it　grate　upon　the
pulseless　air。　　At　that　imposing　moment　the　bang　of　a　door　was　heard；
then　the　shuffle　of　approaching　feet；　and　then　a　sort　of　surging　and
swaying　disorder　among　the　heads　at　the　entrance　from　the　jury…room　told
them　that　the　Twelve　were　coming。　　Presently　all　was　silent　again；　and
the　foreman　of　the　jury　rose　and　said：

〃Your　　Honor　and　Gentleman：　　We；　the　j