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They　would　now　and　then；　to　be　sure；　get　a　little　warm　in

argument；　but　their　disputes　were　always　adjusted　by　reference

to　a　worthy　old　umbrellamaker；　in　a　double　chin；　who；　never

exactly　comprehending　the　subject；　managed　somehow　or　other

to　decide　in　favor　of　both　parties。



All　empires；　however；　says　some　philosopher　or　historian；　are

doomed　to　changes　and　revolutions。　　Luxury　and　innovation

creep　in；　factions　arise；　and　families　now　and　then　spring　up；

whose　ambition　and　intrigues　throw　the　whole　system　into

confusion。　　Thus　in　latter　days　has　the　tranquillity　of　Little

Britain　been　grievously　disturbed；　and　its　golden　simplicity　of

manners　threatened　with　total　subversion　by　the　aspiring　family

of　a　retired　butcher。



The　family　of　the　Lambs　had　long　been　among　the　most

thriving　and　popular　in　the　neighborhood；　the　Miss　Lambs

were　the　belles　of　Little　Britain；　and　everybody　was　pleased

when　Old　Lamb　had　made　money　enough　to　shut　up　shop；　and

put　his　name　on　a　brass　plate　on　his　door。　　In　an　evil　hour；

however；　one　of　the　Miss　Lambs　had　the　honor　of　being　a　lady

in　attendance　on　the　Lady　Mayoress；　at　her　grand　annual　ball；

on　which　occasion　she　wore　three　towering　ostrich　feathers　on

her　head。　　The　family　never　got　over　it；　they　were　immediately

smitten　with　a　passion　for　high　life；　set　up　a　one…horse

carriage；

put　a　bit　of　gold　lace　round　the　errand　boy's　hat；　and　have　been

the　talk　and　detestation　of　the　whole　neighborhood　ever　since。　

They　could　no　longer　be　induced　to　play　at　Pope…Joan　or　blind…

man's…buff；　they　could　endure　no　dances　but　quadrilles；　which

nobody　had　ever　heard　of　in　Little　Britain；　and　they　took　to

reading　novels；　talking　bad　French；　and　playing　upon　the　piano。　

Their　brother；　too；　who　had　been　articled　to　an　attorney；　set　up

for　a　dandy　and　a　critic；　characters　hitherto　unknown　in　these

parts；　and　he　confounded　the　worthy　folks　exceedingly　by

talking　about　Kean；　the　opera；　and　the　〃Edinburgh　Review。〃



What　was　still　worse；　the　Lambs　gave　a　grand　ball；　to　which

they　neglected　to　invite　any　of　their　old　neighbors；　but　they　had

a　great　deal　of　genteel　company　from　Theobald's　Road；　Red…

Lion　Square；　and　other　parts　towards　the　west。　　There　were

several　beaux　of　their　brother's　acquaintance　from　Gray's　Inn

Lane　and　Hatton　Garden；　and　not　less　than　three　Aldermen's

ladies　with　their　daughters。　　This　was　not　to　be　forgotten　or

forgiven。　　All　Little　Britain　was　in　an　uproar　with　the　smacking

of　whips；　the　lashing　of　miserable　horses；　and　the　rattling　and

the　jingling　of　hackney　coaches。　　The　gossips　of　the

neighborhood　might　be　seen　popping　their　nightcaps　out　at

every　window；　watching　the　crazy　vehicles　rumble　by；　and

there　was　a　knot　of　virulent　old　cronies；　that　kept　a　lookout

from　a　house　just　opposite　the　retired　butcher's；　and　scanned

and　criticised　every　one　that　knocked　at　the　door。



This　dance　was　a　cause　of　almost　open　war；　and　the　whole

neighborhood　declared　they　would　have　nothing　more　to　say　to

the　Lambs。　　It　is　true　that　Mrs。　Lamb；　when　she　had　no

engagements　with　her　quality　acquaintance；　would　give　little

humdrum　tea…junketings　to　some　of　her　old　cronies；　〃quite；〃　as

she　would　say；　〃in　a　friendly　way；〃　and　it　is　equally　true　that

her　invitations　were　always　accepted；　in　spite　of　all　previous

vows　to　the　contrary。　　Nay；　the　good　ladies　would　sit　and　be

delighted　with　the　music　of　the　Miss　Lambs；　who　would

condescend　to　strum　an　Irish　melody　for　them　on　the　piano；

and　they　would　listen　with　wonderful　interest　to　Mrs。　Lamb's

anecdotes　of　Alderman　Plunket's　family；　of　Portsokenward；

and　the　Miss　Timberlakes；　the　rich　heiresses　of　Crutched…Friars；

but　then　they　relieved　their　consciences；　and　averted　the

reproaches　of　their　confederates；　by　canvassing　at　the　next

gossiping　convocation　everything　that　had　passed；　and　pulling

the　Lambs　and　their　rout　all　to　pieces。



The　only　one　of　the　family　that　could　not　be　made

fashionable　was　the　retired　butcher　himself。　　Honest　Lamb；　in

spite　of　the　meekness　of　his　name；　was　a　rough；　hearty　old

fellow；　with　the　voice　of　a　lion；　a　head　of　black　hair　like　a

shoe…

brush；　and　a　broad　face　mottled　like　his　own　beef。　　It　was　in

vain　that　the　daughters　always　spoke　of　him　as　〃the　old

gentleman；〃　addressed　him　as　〃papa；〃　in　tones　of　infinite

softness；　and　endeavored　to　coax　him　into　a　dressing…gown　and

slippers；　and　other　gentlemanly　habits。　　Do　what　they　might；

there　was　no　keeping　down　the　butcher。　　His　sturdy　nature

would　break　through　all　their　glozings。　　He　had　a　hearty　vulgar

good…humor　that　was　irrepressible。　　His　very　jokes　made　his

sensitive　daughters　shudder；　and　he　persisted　in　wearing　his

blue　cotton　coat　of　a　morning；　dining　at　two　o'clock；　and

having　a　〃bit　of　sausage　with　his　tea。〃



He　was　doomed；　however；　to　share　the　unpopularity　of　his

family。　　He　found　his　old　comrades　gradually　growing　cold　and

civil　to　him；　no　longer　laughing　at　his　jokes；　and　now　and　then

throwing　out　a　fling　at　〃some　people；〃　and　a　hint　about　〃quality

binding。〃　　This　both　nettled　and　perplexed　the　honest　butcher；

and　his　wife　and　daughters；　with　the　consummate　policy　of　the

shrewder　sex；　taking　advantage　of　the　circumstance；　at　length

prevailed　upon　him　to　give　up　his　afternoon's　pipe　and　tankard

at　Wagstaff's；　to　sit　after　dinner　by　himself；　and　take　his　pint

of

porta　liquor　he　detestedand　to　nod　in　his　chair　in　solitary

and　dismal　gentility。



The　Miss　Lambs　might　now　be　seen　flaunting　along　the

streets　in　French　bonnets；　with　unknown　beaux；　and　talking

and　laughing　so　loud　that　it　distressed　the　nerves　of　every　good

lady　within　hearing。　　They　even　went　so　far　as　to　attempt

patronage；　and　actually　induced　a　French　dancing…master　to　set

up　in　the　neighborhood；　but　the　worthy　folks　of　Little　Britain

took　fire　at　it；　and　did　so　persecute　the　poor　Gaul　that　he　was

fain　to　pack　up　fiddle　and　dancing…pumps；　and　decamp　with

such　precipitation　that　he　absolutely　forgot　to　pay　for　his

lodgings。



I　had　flattered　myself；　at　first；　with　the　idea　that　all　this

fiery

indignation　on　the　part　of　the　community　was　merely　the

overflowing　of　their　zeal　for　good　old　English　manners；　and

their　horror　of　innovation；　and　I　applauded　the　silent　contempt

they　were　so　vociferous　in　expressing；　for　upstart　pride；　French

fashions；　and　the　Miss　Lambs。　　But　I　grieve　to　say　that　I　soon

perceived　the　infection　had　taken　hold；　and　that　my　neighbors；

after　condemning；　were　beginning　to　follow　their　example。　　I

overheard　my　landlady　importuning　her　husband　to　let　their

daughters　have　one　quarter　at　French　and　music；　and　that　they

might　take　a　few　lessons　in　quadrille。　　I　even　saw；　in　the　course

of　a　few　Sundays；　no　less　than　five　French　bonnets；　precisely

like　those　of　the　Miss　Lambs；　parading　about　Little　Britain。



I　still　had　my　hopes　that　all　this　folly　would　gradually　die

away；　that　the　Lambs　might　move　out　of　the　neighborhood；

might　die；　or　might　run　away　with　attorneys'　apprentices；　and

that　quiet　and　simplicity　might　be　again　restored　to　the

community。　　But　unluckily　a　rival　power　arose。　　An　opulent

oilman　died；　and　left　a　widow　with　a　large　jointure　and　a　family

of　buxom　daughters。　　The　young　ladies　had　long　been　repining

in　secret　at　the　parsimony　of　a　prudent　father；　which　kept　down

all　their　elegant　aspirings。　　Their　ambition；　being　now　no　longer

restrained；　broke　out　into　a　blaze；　and　they　openly　took　the

field　against　the　family　of　the　butcher。　　It　is　true　that　the

Lambs；　having　had　the　first　start；　had　naturally　an　advantage　of

them　in　the　fashionable　career。　　They　could　speak　a　little　bad

French；　play　the　piano；　dance　quadrilles；　and　had　formed　high

acquaintances；　but　the　Trotters　were　not　to　be　distanced。　

When　the　Lambs　appeared　with　two　feathers　in　their　hats；　the

Miss　Trotters　mounted　four；　and　of　twice　as　fine　colors。　If　the

Lambs　gave　a　dance；　the　Trotters　were　sure　not　to　be

behindhand：　and　though　they　might　not　boast　of　as　good

company；　yet　they　had　double　the　number；　and　were　twice　as

merry。



The　whole　community　has　at　length　divided　itself　into

fashionable　factions；　under　the　banners　of　these　two　families。　

The　old　games　of　Pope…Joan　and　Tom…come…tickle…me　are

entirely　discarded；　there　is　no　such　thing　as　getting　up　an

honest　country　dance；　and　on　my　attempting　to　kiss　a　young

lady　under　the　mistletoe　last　Christmas；　I　was　indignantly

repulsed；　the　Miss　Lambs　having　pronounced　it　〃shocking

vulgar。〃　　Bitter　rivalry　has　also　broken　out　as　to　the　most

fashionable　part　of　Little　Britain；　the　Lambs　standing　up　for　the

dignity　of　the　Cross…Keys　Square；　and　the　Trotters　for　the

vicinity　of　St。　Bartholomew's。



Thus　is　this　little　territory　torn　by　factions　and　internal

dissensions；　like　the　great　empire　who　name　it　bears；　and　what

will　be　the　result　would　puzzle　the　apothecary　himself；　with　all

his　talent　at　prognostics；　to　determine；　though　I　apprehend　that

it　will　terminate　in　the　total　downfall　of　genuine　John　Bullism。



The　immediate　effects　are　extremely　unpleasant　to　me。　

Being　a　single　man；　and；　as　I　observed　before；　rather　an　idle

good…for…nothing　personage；　I　have　been　considered　the　only

gentleman　by　profession　in　the　place。　　I　stand　therefore　in　high

favor　with　both　parties；　and　have　to　hear　all　their　cabinet

councils　and　mutual　backbitings。　　As　I　am　too　civil　not　to　agree

with　the　ladies　on　all　occasions；　I　have　committed　myself　most

horribly　with　both　parties；　by　abusing　their　opponents。　　I　might

manage　to　reconcile　this　to　my　conscience；　which　is　a　truly

accommodating　one；　but　I　cannot　to　my　apprehensionif　the

Lambs　and　Trotters　ever　come　to　a　reconciliation；　and　compare

notes；　I　am　ruined！



I　have　determined；　therefore；　to　beat　a　retreat　in　time；　and　am

actually　looking　out　for　some　other　nest　in　this　great　city；

where　old　English　manners　are　still　kept　up；　whe