their silver wedding journey v2-第14部分

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Stoller　started　as　if　the　word　money　reminded　him　of　something。　　〃I　can
take　care　of　myself；　young　man。　　How　much　do　I　owe　you？〃

〃Nothing！〃　said　Burnamy；　with　an　effort　for　grandeur　which　failed　him。

The　next　morning　as　the　Marches　sat　over　their　coffee　at　the　Posthof；　he
came　dragging　himself　toward　them　with　such　a　haggard　air　that　Mrs。　March
called；　before　he　reached　their　table；　〃Why；　Mr。　Burnamy；　what's　the
matter？〃

He　smiled　miserably。　　〃Oh；　I　haven't　slept　very　well。　　May　I　have　my
coffee　with　you？　　I　want　to　tell　you　something；　I　want　you　to　make　me。
But　I　can't　speak　till　the　coffee　comes。　　Fraulein！〃　he　besought　a
waitress　going　off　with　a　tray　near　them。　　〃Tell　Lili；　please；　to　bring
me　some　coffeeonly　coffee。〃

He　tried　to　make　some　talk　about　the　weather；　which　was　rainy；　and　the
Marches　helped　him；　but　the　poor　endeavor　lagged　wretchedly　in　the
interval　between　the　ordering　and　the　coming　of　the　coffee。　　〃Ah；　thank
you；　Lili；〃　he　said；　with　a　humility　which　confirmed　Mrs。　March　in　her
instant　belief　that　he　had　been　offering　himself　to　Miss　Triscoe　and　been
rejected。　　After　gulping　his　coffee；　he　turned　to　her：　〃I　want　to　say
good…by。　　I'm　going　away。〃

〃From　Carlsbad？〃　asked　Mrs。　March　with　a　keen　distress。

The　water　came　into　his　eyes。　　〃Don't；　don't　be　good　to　me；　Mrs。　March！
I　can't　stand　it。　　But　you　won't；　when　you　know。〃

He　began　to　speak　of　Stoller；　first　to　her；　but　addressing　himself　more
and　more　to　the　intelligence　of　March；　who　let　him　go　on　without
question；　and　laid　a　restraining　hand　upon　his　wife　when　he　saw　her　about
to　prompt　him。　　At　the　end；　〃That's　all；〃　he　said；　huskily；　and　then　he
seemed　to　be　waiting　for　March's　comment。　　He　made　none；　and　the　young
fellow　was　forced　to　ask；　〃Well；　what　do　you　think；　Mr。　March？〃

〃What　do　you　think　yourself？〃

〃I　think；　I　behaved　badly；〃　said　Burnamy；　and　a　movement　of　protest　from
Mrs。　March　nerved　him　to　add：　〃I　could　make　out　that　it　was　not　my
business　to　tell　him　what　he　was　doing；　but　I　guess　it　was；　I　guess　I
ought　to　have　stopped　him；　or　given　him　a　chance　to　stop　himself。　　I
suppose　I　might　have　done　it；　if　he　had　treated　me　decently　when　I　turned
up　a　day　late；　here；　or　hadn't　acted　toward　me　as　if　I　were　a　hand　in　his
buggy…works　that　had　come　in　an　hour　after　the　whistle　sounded。〃

He　set　his　teeth；　and　an　indignant　sympathy　shone　in　Mrs。　March's　eyes；
but　her　husband　only　looked　the　more　serious。

He　asked　gently；　〃Do　you　offer　that　fact　as　an　explanation；　or　as　a
justification。〃

Burnamy　laughed　forlornly。　　〃It　certainly　wouldn't　justify　me。　　You　might
say　that　it　made　the　case　all　the　worse　for　me。〃　　March　forbore　to　say；
and　Burnamy　went　on。　　〃But　I　didn't　suppose　they　would　be　onto　him　so
quick；　or　perhaps　at　all。　　I　thoughtif　I　thought　anythingthat　it
would　amuse　some　of　the　fellows　in　the　office；　who　know　about　those
things。〃　　He　paused；　and　in　March's　continued　silence　he　went　on。　　〃The
chance　was　one　in　a　hundred　that　anybody　else　would　know　where　he　had
brought　up。〃

〃But　you　let　him　take　that　chance；〃　March　suggested。

〃Yes；　I　let　him　take　it。　　Oh；　you　know　how　mixed　all　these　things　are！〃

〃Yes。〃

Of　course　I　didn't　think　it　out　at　the　time。　　But　I　don't　deny　that　I　had
a　satisfaction　in　the　notion　of　the　hornets'　nest　he　was　poking　his　thick
head　into。　　It　makes　me　sick；　now；　to　think　I　had。　　I　oughtn't　to　have
let　him；　he　was　perfectly　innocent　in　it。　　After　the　letter　went；
I　wanted　to　tell　him；　but　I　couldn't；　and　then　I　took　the　chances　too。
I　don't　believe　be　could　have　ever　got　forward　in　politics；　he's　too
honestor　he　isn't　dishonest　in　the　right　way。　　But　that　doesn't　let　me
out。　　I　don't　defend　myself！　　I　did　wrong；　I　behaved　badly。　　But　I've
suffered　for　it。

I've　had　a　foreboding　all　the　time　that　it　would　come　to　the　worst；　and
felt　like　a　murderer　with　his　victim　when　I've　been　alone　with　Stoller。
When　I　could　get　away　from　him　I　could　shake　it　off；　and　even　believe
that　it　hadn't　happened。　　You　can't　think　what　a　nightmare　it's　been！
Well；　I've　ruined　Stoller　politically；　but　I've　ruined　myself；　too。　　I've
spoiled　my　own　life；　I've　done　what　I　can　never　explain　toto　the　people
I　want　to　have　believe　in　me；　I've　got　to　steal　away　like　the　thief　I　am。
Good…by！〃　　He　jumped　to　his　feet；　and　put　out　his　hand　to　March；　and　then
to　Mrs。　March。

〃Why；　you're　not　going　away　now！〃　she　cried；　in　a　daze。

〃Yes；　I　am。　　I　shall　leave　Carlsbad　on　the　eleven…o'clock　train。　　I　don't
think　I　shall　see　you　again。〃　　He　clung　to　her　hand。　　〃If　you　see　General
TriscoeI　wish　you'd　tell　them　I　couldn'tthat　I　had　tothat　I　was
called　away　suddenlyGood…by！〃　　He　pressed　her　hand　and　dropped　it；　and
mixed　with　the　crowd。　　Then　he　came　suddenly　back；　with　a　final　appeal　to
March：　〃Should　youdo　you　think　I　ought　to　see　Stoller；　andand　tell
him　I　don't　think　I　used　him　fairly？〃

〃You　ought　to　know〃　March　began。

But　before　he　could　say　more；　Burnamy　said；　〃You're　right；〃　and　was　off
again。

〃Oh；　how　hard　you　were　with　him；　my　dear！〃　　Mrs。　March　lamented。

〃I　wish；〃　he　said；　〃if　our　boy　ever　went　wrong　that　some　one　would　be　as
true　to　him　as　I　was　to　that　poor　fellow。　　He　condemned　himself；　and　he
was　right；　he　has　behaved　very　badly。〃

〃You　always　overdo　things　so；　when　you　act　righteously！〃

〃Now；　Isabel！〃

〃Oh；　yes；　I　know　what　you　will　say。　　But　I　should　have　tempered　justice
with　mercy。〃

Her　nerves　tingled　with　pity　for　Burnamy；　but　in　her　heart　she　was　glad
that　her　husband　had　had　strength　to　side　with　him　against　himself；　and
she　was　proud　of　the　forbearance　with　which　he　had　done　it。　　In　their
earlier　married　life　she　would　have　confidently　taken　the　initiative　on
all　moral　questions。　　She　still　believed　that　she　was　better　fitted　for
their　decision　by　her　Puritan　tradition　and　her　New　England　birth；　but
once　in　a　great　crisis　when　it　seemed　a　question　of　their　living；　she　had
weakened　before　it；　and　he；　with　no　such　advantages；　had　somehow　met　the
issue　with　courage　and　conscience。　　She　could　not　believe　he　did　so　by
inspiration；　but　she　had　since　let　him　take　the　brunt　of　all　such　issues
and　the　responsibility。　　He　made　no　reply；　and　she　said：　〃I　suppose
you'll　admit　now　there　was　always　something　peculiar　in　the　poor　boy's
manner　to　Stoller。〃

He　would　confess　no　more　than　that　there　ought　to　have　been。　　〃I　don't
see　how　he　could　stagger　through　with　that　load　on　his　conscience。
I'm　not　sure　I　like　his　being　able　to　do　so。〃

She　was　silent　in　the　misgiving　which　she　shared　with　him；　but　she　said：
〃I　wonder　how　far　it　has　gone　with　him　and　Miss　Triscoe？〃

〃Well；　from　his　wanting　you　to　give　his　message　to　the　general　in　the
plural〃

〃Don't　laugh！　　It〃s　wicked　to　laugh！　　It's　heartless！〃　she　cried；
hysterically。　　〃What　will　he　do；　poor　fellow？〃

〃I've　an　idea　that　he　will　light　on　his　feet；　somehow。　　But；　at　any　rate；
he's　doing　the　right　thing　in　going　to　own　up　to　Stoller。〃

〃Oh；　Stoller！　　I　care　nothing　for　Stoller！　　Don't　speak　to　me　of
Stoller！〃

Burnamy　fond　the　Bird　of　Prey；　as　he　no　longer　had　the　heart　to　call　him；
walking　up　and　down　in　his　room　like　an　eagle　caught　in　a　trap。　　He
erected　his　crest　fiercely　enough；　though；　when　the　young　fellow　came　in
at　his　loudly　shouted；　〃Herein！〃

〃What　do　you　want？〃　he　demanded；　brutally。

This　simplified　Burnamy's　task；　while　it　made　it　more　loathsome。　　He
answered　not　much　less　brutally；　〃I　want　to　tell　you　that　I　think　I　used
you　badly；　that　I　let　you　betray　yourself；　that　I　feel　myself　to　blame。〃
He　could　have　added；　〃Curse　you！〃　without　change　of　tone。

Stoller　sneered　in　a　derision　that　showed　his　lower　teeth　like　a　dog's
when　he　snarls。　　〃You　want　to　get　back！〃

〃No；〃　said　Burnamy；　mildly；　and　with　increasing　sadness　as　he　spoke。
〃I　don't　want　to　get　back。　　Nothing　would　induce　me。　　I'm　going　away　on
the　first　train。〃

〃Well；　you're　not！〃　　shouted　Stoller。　　〃You've　lied　me　into　this〃

〃Look　out！〃　　Burnamy　turned　white。

〃Didn't　you　lie　me　into　it；　if　you　let　me　fool　myself；　as　you　say？〃
Stoller　pursued；　and　Burnamy　felt　himself　weaken　through　his　wrath。
〃Well；　then；　you　got　to　lie　me　out　of　it。　　I　been　going　over　the　damn
thing；　all　nightand　you　can　do　it　for　me。　　I　know　you　can　do　it；〃　he
gave　way　in　a　plea　that　was　almost　a　whimper。　　〃Look　here！　　You　see　if
you　can't。　　I'll　make　it　all　right　with　you。　　I'll　pay　you　whatever　you
think　is　rightwhatever　you　say。〃

〃Oh！〃　said　Burnamy；　in　otherwise　unutterable　disgust。

〃You　kin；〃　Stoller　went　on；　breaking　down　more　and　more　into　his　adopted
Hoosier；　in　the　stress　of　his　anxiety。　　〃I　know　you　kin；　Mr。　Burnamy。〃
He　pushed　the　paper　containing　his　letter　into　Burnamy's　hands；　and
pointed　out　a　succession　of　marked　passages。　　〃There！　　And　here！　　And
this　place！　　Don't　you　see　how　you　could　make　out　that　it　meant　something
else；　or　was　just　ironical？〃　　He　went　on　to　prove　how　the　text　might　be
given　the　complexion　he　wished；　and　Burnamy　saw　that　he　had　really
thought　it　not　impossibly　out。　　〃I　can't　put　it　in　writing　as　well　as
you；　but　I've　done　all　the　work；　and　all　you've　got　to　do　is　to　give　it
some　of　them　turns　of　yours。　　I'll　cable　the　fellows　in　our　office　to　say
I've　been　misrepresented；　and　that　my　correction　is　coming。　　We'll　get　it
into　shape　here　together；　and　then　I'll　cable　that。　　I　don't　care　for　the
money。　　And　I'll　get　our　counting…room　to　see　this　scoundrel〃he　picked
up　the　paper　that　had　had　fun　with　him〃and　fix　him　all　right；　so　that
he'll　ask　for　a　suspension　of　public　opinion；　and　You　see；　don't　you？〃

The　thing　did　appeal　to　Burnamy。　　If　it　could　be　done；　it　would　enable
him　to　make　Stoller　the　reparation　he　longed　to　make　him　more　than
anything　else　in　the　world。　　But　he　heard　himself　saying；　very　gently；
almost　tenderly；　〃It　might　be　done；　Mr。　Stoller。　　But　I　couldn't　do　it。
It　wouldn't　be　honestfor　me。〃

〃Yah！〃　yelled　Stoller；　and　he　crushed　the　paper　into　a　wad　and　flung　it
into　Burnamy's　face。　　〃Honest；　you　damn　humbug！　　You　let　me　in　for　this；
when　you　knew　I　didn't　mean　it；　and　now　you　won't　help　me　out　because　it
a'n't　honest！　Get　out　of　my　room；　and　get　out　quick　before　I〃

He　hurled　himself　toward　Burnamy；　wh