stage-land-第5部分

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right。　　An　ordinary；　common　lawyer　would　come　to　the　point　at　once；
state　the　matter　in　a　plain；　business…like　way；　and　trust　that　he
might　have　the　pleasure　of　representing；　etc。；　etc。；　but　such　simple
methods　are　not　those　of　the　stage　lawyer。　　He　looks　at　the　client　and
says：

〃You　had　a　father。〃

The　client　starts。　　How　on　earth　did　this　calm；　thin；　keen…eyed　old
man　in　black　know　that　he　had　a　father？　　He　shuffles　and　stammers；　but
the　quiet；　impenetrable　lawyer　fixes　his　cold；　glassy　eye　on　him；　and
he　is　helpless。　　Subterfuge；　he　feels；　is　useless；　and　amazed；
bewildered　at　the　knowledge　of　his　most　private　affairs　possessed　by
his　strange　visitant；　he　admits　the　fact：　　he　had　a　father。

The　lawyer　smiles　with　a　quiet　smile　of　triumph　and　scratches　his
chin。

〃You　had　a　mother；　too；　if　I　am　informed　correctly；〃　he　continues。

It　is　idle　attempting　to　escape　this　man's　supernatural　acuteness；　and
the　client　owns　up　to　having　had　a　mother　also。

From　this　the　lawyer　goes　on　to　communicate　to　the　client；　as　a　great
secret；　the　whole　of　his　（the　client's）　history　from　his　cradle
upward；　and　also　the　history　of　his　nearer　relatives；　and　in　less　than
half　an　hour　from　the　old　man's　entrance；　or　say　forty　minutes　at　the
outside；　the　client　almost　knows　what　the　business　is　about。

On　the　other　occasion；　when　the　client　has　lost　his　fortune；　the　stage
lawyer　is　even　still　happier。　　He　comes　down　himself　to　tell　the
misfortune　（he　would　not　miss　the　job　for　worlds）；　and　he　takes　care
to　choose　the　most　unpropitious　moment　possible　for　breaking　the　news。
On　the　eldest　daughter's　birthday；　when　there　is　a　big　party　on；　is
his　favorite　time。　　He　comes　in　about　midnight　and　tells　them　just　as
they　are　going　down　to　supper。

He　has　no　idea　of　business　hours；　has　the　stage　lawyerto　make　the
thing　as　unpleasant　as　possible　seems　to　be　his　only　anxiety。

If　he　cannot　work　it　for　a　birthday；　then　he　waits　till　there's　a
wedding　on；　and　gets　up　early　in　the　morning　on　purpose　to　run　down
and　spoil　the　show。　　To　enter　among　a　crowd　of　happy；　joyous
fellow…creatures　and　leave　them　utterly　crushed　and　miserable　is　the
stage　lawyer's　hobby。

The　stage　lawyer　is　a　very　talkative　gentleman。　　He　regards　the
telling　of　his　client's　most　private　affairs　to　every　stranger　that　he
meets　as　part　of　his　professional　duties。　　A　good　gossip　with　a　few
chance　acquaintances　about　the　family　secrets　of　his　employers　is　food
and　drink　for　the　stage　lawyer。

They　all　go　about　telling　their　own　and　their　friends'　secrets　to
perfect　strangers　on　the　stage。　　Whenever　two　people　have　five　minutes
to　spare　on　the　stage　they　tell　each　other　the　story　of　their　lives。
〃Sit　down　and　I　will　tell　you　the　story　of　my　life〃　is　the　stage
equivalent　for　the　〃Come　and　have　a　drink〃　of　the　outside　world。

The　good　stage　lawyer　has　generally　nursed　the　heroine　on　his　knee
when　a　baby　（when　she　was　a　baby；　we　mean）when　she　was　only　so　high。
It　seems　to　have　been　a　part　of　his　professional　duties。　　The　good
stage　lawyer　also　kisses　all　the　pretty　girls　in　the　play　and　is
expected　to　chuck　the　housemaid　under　the　chin。　　It　is　good　to　be　a
good　stage　lawyer。

The　good　stage　lawyer　also　wipes　away　a　tear　when　sad　things　happen；
and　he　turns　away　to　do　this　and　blows　his　nose；　and　says　he　thinks　he
has　a　fly　in　his　eye。　　This　touching　trait　in　his　character　is　always
held　in　great　esteem　by　the　audience　and　is　much　applauded。

The　good　stage　lawyer　is　never　by　any　chance　a　married　man。　　（Few　good
men　are；　so　we　gather　from　our　married　lady　friends。）　　He　loved　in
early　life　the　heroine's　mother。　　That　〃sainted　woman〃　（tear　and　nose
business）　died　and　is　now　among　the　angelsthe　gentleman　who　did
marry　her；　by　the　bye；　is　not　quite　so　sure　about　this　latter　point；
but　the　lawyer　is　fixed　on　the　idea。

In　stage　literature　of　a　frivolous　nature　the　lawyer　is　a　very
different　individual。　　In　comedy　he　is　young；　he　possesses　chambers；
and　he　is　married　（there　is　no　doubt　about　this　latter　fact）；　and　his
wife　and　his　mother…in…law　spend　most　of　the　day　in　his　office　and
make　the　dull　old　place　quite　lively　for　him。

He　only　has　one　client。　　She　is　a　nice　lady　and　affable；　but　her
antecedents　are　doubtful；　and　she　seems　to　be　no　better　than　she　ought
to　bepossibly　worse。　　But　anyhow　she　is　the　sole　business　that　the
poor　fellow　hasis；　in　fact；　his　only　source　of　income；　and　might；
one　would　think；　under　such　circumstances　be　accorded　a　welcome　by　his
family。　　But　his　wife　and　his　mother…in…law；　on　the　contrary；　take　a
violent　dislike　to　her；　and　the　lawyer　has　to　put　her　in　the
coal…scuttle　or　lock　her　up　in　the　safe　whenever　he　hears　either　of
these　female　relatives　of　his　coming　up　the　stairs。

We　should　not　care　to　be　the　client　of　a　farcical　comedy　stage　lawyer。
Legal　transactions　are　trying　to　the　nerves　under　the　most　favorable
circumstances；　conducted　by　a　farcical　stage　lawyer；　the　business
would　be　too　exciting　for　us。



THE　ADVENTURESS。

She　sits　on　a　table　and　smokes　a　cigarette。　　A　cigarette　on　the　stage
is　always　the　badge　of　infamy。

In　real　life　the　cigarette　is　usually　the　hall…mark　of　the
particularly　mild　and　harmless　individual。　　It　is　the　dissipation　of
the　Y。M。C。A。；　the　innocent　joy　of　the　pure…hearted　boy　long　ere　the
demoralizing　influence　of　our　vaunted　civilization　has　dragged　him
down　into　the　depths　of　the　short　clay。

But　behind　the　cigarette　on　the　stage　lurks　ever　black…hearted
villainy　and　abandoned　womanhood。

The　adventuress　is　generally　of　foreign　extraction。　　They　do　not　make
bad　women　in　Englandthe　article　is　entirely　of　continental
manufacture　and　has　to　be　imported。　　She　speaks　English　with　a
charming　little　French　accent；　and　she　makes　up　for　this　by　speaking
French　with　a　good　sound　English　one。

She　seems　a　smart　business　woman；　and　she　would　probably　get　on　very
well　if　it　were　not　for　her　friends　and　relations。　　Friends　and
relations　are　a　trying　class　of　people　even　in　real　life；　as　we　all
know；　but　the　friends　and　relations　of　the　stage　adventuress　are　a
particularly　irritating　lot。　　They　never　leave　her；　never　does　she　get
a　day　or　an　hour　off　from　them。　　Wherever　she　goes；　there　the　whole
tribe　goes　with　her。

They　all　go　with　her　in　a　body　when　she　calls　on　her　young　man；　and　it
is　as　much　as　she　can　do　to　persuade　them　to　go　into　the　next　room
even　for　five　minutes；　and　give　her　a　chance。　　When　she　is　married
they　come　and　live　with　her。

They　know　her　dreadful　secret　and　it　keeps　them　in　comfort　for　years。
Knowing　somebody's　secret　seems；　on　the　stage；　to　be　one　of　the　most
profitable　and　least　exhausting　professions　going。

She　is　fond　of　married　life；　is　the　adventuress；　and　she　goes　in　for
it　pretty　extensively。　　She　has　husbands　all　over　the　globe；　most　of
them　in　prison；　but　they　escape　and　turn　up　in　the　last　act　and　spoil
all　the　poor　girl's　plans。　　That　is　so　like　husbandsno
consideration；　no　thought　for　their　poor　wives。　　They　are　not　a
prepossessing　lot；　either；　those　early　husbands　of　hers。　　What　she
could　have　seen　in　them　to　induce　her　to　marry　them　is　indeed　a
mystery。

The　adventuress　dresses　magnificently。　　Where　she　gets　the　money　from
we　never　could　understand；　for　she　and　her　companions　are　always　more
or　less　complaining　of　being　〃stone　broke。〃　　Dressmakers　must　be　a
trusting　people　where　she　comes　from。

The　adventuress　is　like　the　proverbial　cat　as　regards　the　number　of
lives　she　is　possessed　of。　　You　never　know　when　she　is　really　dead。
Most　people　like　to　die　once　and　have　done　with　it；　but　the
adventuress；　after　once　or　twice　trying　it；　seems　to　get　quite　to　like
it；　and　goes　on　giving　way　to　it；　and　then　it　grows　upon　her　until　she
can't　help　herself；　and　it　becomes　a　sort　of　craving　with　her。

This　habit　of　hers　is；　however；　a　very　trying　one　for　her　friends　and
husbandsit　makes　things　so　uncertain。　　Something　ought　to　be　done　to
break　her　of　it。　　Her　husbands；　on　hearing　that　she　is　dead；　go　into
raptures　and　rush　off　and　marry　other　people；　and　then　just　as　they
are　starting　off　on　their　new　honeymoon　up　she　crops　again；　as　fresh
as　paint。　　It　is　really　most　annoying。

For　ourselves；　were　we　the　husband　of　a　stage　adventuress　we　should
never；　after　what　we　have　seen　of　the　species；　feel　quite　justified　in
believing　her　to　be　dead　unless　we　had　killed　and　buried　her
ourselves；　and　even　then　we　should　be　more　easy　in　our　minds　if　we
could　arrange　to　sit　on　her　grave　for　a　week　or　so　afterward。　　These
women　are　so　artful！

But　it　is　not　only　the　adventuress　who　will　persist　in　coming　to　life
again　every　time　she　is　slaughtered。　　They　all　do　it　on　the　stage。
They　are　all　so　unreliable　in　this　respect。　　It　must　be　most
disheartening　to　the　murderers。

And　then；　again；　it　is　something　extraordinary；　when　you　come　to　think
of　it；　what　a　tremendous　amount　of　killing　some　of　them　can　stand　and
still　come　up　smiling　in　the　next　act；　not　a　penny　the　worse　for　it。
They　get　stabbed；　and　shot；　and　thrown　over　precipices　thousands　of
feet　high　and；　bless　you；　it　does　them　goodit　is　like　a　tonic　to
them。

As　for　the　young　man　that　is　coming　home　to　see　his　girl；　you　simply
can't　kill　him。　　Achilles　was　a　summer　rose　compared　with　him。　　Nature
and　mankind　have　not　sufficient　materials　in　hand　as　yet　to　kill　that
man。　　Science　has　but　the　strength　of　a　puling　babe　against　his
invulnerability。　　You　can　waste　your　time　on　earthquakes　and
shipwrecks；　volcanic　eruptions；　floods；　explosions；　railway　accidents；
and　such　like　sort　of　things；　if　you　are　foolish　enough　to　do　so；　but
it　is　no　good　your　imagining　that　anything　of　the　kind　can　hurt　him；
because　it　can't。

There　will　be　thousands　of　people　killed；　thousands　in　each　instance；
but　one　human　being　will　always　escape；　and　that　one　human　being　will
be　the　stage　young　man　who　is　coming　home　to　see　his　girl。

He　is　forever　being　reported　as　dead；　but　it　always　turns　out　to　be
another　fellow　who　was　like　him　or　who　had　on　his　（the　young　man's）
hat。　　He　is　bound　to　be　out　of　it；　whoever　else　may　be　in。

〃If　I　had　been　at　my　post　that　day；〃　he　explains　to　his　sobbing
mother；　〃I　should　have　been　blown　up