stage-land-第7部分

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friend's　house　we　tried　this　business　on。

She　wasn't　quite　so　dazzlingly　beautiful　as　they　are　on　the　stage；　but
we　passed　that。　　She　showed　us　up　into　the　drawing…room；　and　then　said
she　would　go　and　tell　her　mistress　we　were　there。

We　felt　this　was　the　time　to　begin。　　We　skipped　between　her　and　the
door。　　We　held　our　hat　in　front　of　us；　cocked　our　head　on　one　side；
and　said：　　〃Don't　go！　don't　go！〃

The　girl　seemed　alarmed。　　We　began　to　get　a　little　nervous　ourselves；
but　we　had　begun　it　and　we　meant　to　go　through　with　it。

We　said；　〃Do　you　know；　Jane〃　（her　name　wasn't　Jane；　but　that　wasn't
our　fault）；　〃do　you　know；　Jane；　I　think　you're　an　uncommonly　nice
girl；〃　and　we　said　〃click；〃　and　dug　her　in　the　ribs　with　our　elbow；
and　then　chucked　her　under　the　chin。　　The　whole　thing　seemed　to　fall
flat。　　There　was　nobody　there　to　laugh　or　applaud。　　We　wished　we
hadn't　done　it。　　It　seemed　stupid　when　you　came　to　think　of　it。　　We
began　to　feel　frightened。　　The　business　wasn't　going　as　we　expected；
but　we　screwed　up　our　courage　and　went　on。

We　put　on　the　customary　expression　of　comic　imbecility　and　beckoned
the　girl　to　us。　　We　have　never　seen　this　fail　on　the　stage。

But　this　girl　seemed　made　wrong。　　She　got　behind　the　sofa　and　screamed
〃Help！〃

We　have　never　known　them　to　do　this　on　the　stage；　and　it　threw　us　out
in　our　plans。　　We　did　not　know　exactly　what　to　do。　　We　regretted　that
we　had　ever　begun　this　job　and　heartily　wished　ourselves　out　of　it。
But　it　appeared　foolish　to　pause　then；　when　we　were　more　than　half…way
through；　and　we　made　a　rush　to　get　it　over。

We　chivvied　the　girl　round　the　sofa　and　caught　her　near　the　door　and
kissed　her。　　She　scratched　our　face；　yelled　police；　murder；　and　fire；
and　fled　from　the　room。

Our　friend　came　in　almost　immediately。　　He　said：

〃I　say；　J。；　old　man；　are　you　drunk？〃

We　told　him　no；　that　we　were　only　a　student　of　the　drama。　　His　wife
then　entered　in　a　towering　passion。　　She　didn't　ask　us　if　we　were
drunk。　　She　said：

〃How　dare　you　come　here　in　this　state！〃

We　endeavored　unsuccessfully　to　induce　her　to　believe　that　we　were
sober；　and　we　explained　that　our　course　of　conduct　was　what　was　always
pursued　on　the　stage。

She　said　she　didn't　care　what　was　done　on　the　stage；　it　wasn't　going
to　be　pursued　in　her　house；　and　that　if　her　husband's　friends　couldn't
behave　as　gentlemen　they　had　better　stop　away。

The　following　morning　we　received　a　letter　from　a　firm　of　solicitors
in　Lincoln's　Inn　with　reference；　so　they　put　it；　to　the　brutal　and
unprovoked　assault　committed　by　us　on　the　previous　afternoon　upon　the
person　of　their　client；　Miss　Matilda　Hemmings。　　The　letter　stated　that
we　had　punched　Miss　Hemmings　in　the　side；　struck　her　under　the　chin；
and　afterward；　seizing　her　as　she　was　leaving　the　room；　proceeded　to
commit　a　gross　assault；　into　the　particulars　of　which　it　was　needless
for　them　to　enter　at　greater　length。

It　added　that　if　we　were　prepared　to　render　an　ample　written　apology
and　to　pay　50　pounds　compensation；　they　would　advise　their　client；
Miss　Matilda　Hemmings；　to　allow　the　matter　to　drop；　otherwise　criminal
proceedings　would　at　once　be　commenced　against　us。

We　took　the　letter　to　our　own　solicitors　and　explained　the
circumstances　to　them。　　They　said　it　seemed　to　be　a　very　sad　case；　but
advised　us　to　pay　the　50　pounds；　and　we　borrowed　the　money　and　did　so。

Since　then　we　have　lost　faith；　somehow；　in　the　British　drama　as　a
guide　to　the　conduct　of　life。



THE　CHILD。

It　is　nice　and　quiet　and　it　talks　prettily。

We　have　come　across　real　infants　now　and　then　in　the　course　of　visits
to　married　friends；　they　have　been　brought　to　us　from　outlying　parts
of　the　house　and　introduced　to　us　for　our　edification；　and　we　have
found　them　gritty　and　sticky。　　Their　boots　have　usually　been　muddy；
and　they　have　wiped　them　up　against　our　new　trousers。　　And　their　hair
has　suggested　the　idea　that　they　have　been　standing　on　their　heads　in
the　dust…bin。

And　they　have　talked　to　usbut　not　prettily；　not　at　allrather　rude
we　should　call　it。

But　the　stage　child　is　very　different。　　It　is　clean　and　tidy。　　You　can
touch　it　anywhere　and　nothing　comes　off。　　Its　face　glows　with　soap　and
water。　　From　the　appearance　of　its　hands　it　is　evident　that　mud…pies
and　tar　are　joys　unknown　to　it。　　As　for　its　hair；　there　is　something
uncanny　about　its　smoothness　and　respectability。　　Even　its　boot…laces
are　done　up。

We　have　never　seen　anything　like　the　stage　child　outside　a　theater
excepting　onethat　was　on　the　pavement　in　front　of　a　tailor's　shop　in
Tottenham　Court　Road。　　He　stood　on　a　bit　of　round　wood；　and　it　was
fifteen　and　nine；　his　style。

We　thought　in　our　ignorance　prior　to　this　that　there　could　not　be
anything　in　the　world　like　the　stage　child；　but　you　see　we　were
mistaken。

The　stage　child　is　affectionate　to　its　parents　and　its　nurse　and　is
respectful　in　its　demeanor　toward　those　whom　Providence　has　placed　in
authority　over　it；　and　so　far　it　is　certainly　much　to　be　preferred　to
the　real　article。　　It　speaks　of　its　male　and　female　progenitors　as
〃dear；　dear　papa〃　and　〃dear；　dear　mamma；〃　and　it　refers　to　its　nurse
as　〃darling　nursey。〃　　We　are　connected　with　a　youthful　child
ourselvesa　real　onea　nephew。　　He　alludes　to　his　father　（when　his
father　is　not　present）　as　〃the　old　man；〃　and　always　calls　the　nurse
〃old　nut…crackers。〃　　Why　cannot　they　make　real　children　who　say　〃dear；
dear　mamma〃　and　〃dear；　dear　papa？〃

The　stage　child　is　much　superior　to　the　live　infant　in　every　way。　　The
stage　child　does　not　go　rampaging　about　a　house　and　screeching　and
yelling　till　nobody　knows　whether　they　are　on　their　heads　or　their
heels。

A　stage　child　does　not　get　up　at　five　o'clock　in　the　morning　to
practice　playing　on　a　penny　whistle。　　A　stage　child　never　wants　a
bicycle　and　drives　you　mad　about　it。　　A　stage　child　does　not　ask
twenty　complicated　questions　a　minute　about　things　that　you　don't
understand；　and　then　wind　up　by　asking　why　you　don't　seem　to　know
anything；　and　why　wouldn't　anybody　teach　you　anything　when　you　were　a
little　boy。

The　stage　child　does　not　wear　a　hole　in　the　seat　of　its　knickerbockers
and　have　to　have　a　patch　let　in。　　The　stage　child　comes　downstairs　on
its　feet。

The　stage　child　never　brings　home　six　other　children　to　play　at　horses
in　the　front　garden；　and　then　wants　to　know　if　they　can　all　come　in　to
tea。　　The　stage　child　never　has　the　wooping…cough；　and　the　measles；
and　every　other　disease　that　it　can　lay　its　hands　on；　and　be　laid　up
with　them　one　after　the　other　and　turn　the　house　upside　down。

The　stage　child's　department　in　the　scheme　of　life　is　to　harrow　up　its
mother's　feelings　by　ill…timed　and　uncalled…for　questions　about　its
father。　　It　always　wants　to　know；　before　a　roomful　of　people；　where
〃dear　papa〃　is；　and　why　he　has　left　dear　mamma；　when；　as　all　the
guests　know；　the　poor　man　is　doing　his　two　years'　hard　or　waiting　to
be　hanged。　　It　makes　everybody　so　uncomfortable。

It　is　always　harrowing　up　somebodythe　stage　child；　it　really　ought
not　to　be　left　about　as　it　is。　　When　it　has　done　upsetting　its　mother
it　fishes　out　some　broken…hearted　maid；　who　has　just　been　cruelly
severed　forever　from　her　lover；　and　asks　her　in　a　high　falsetto　voice
why　she　doesn't　get　married；　and　prattles　to　her　about　love；　and
domestic　bliss；　and　young　men；　and　any　other　subject　it　can　think　of
particularly　calculated　to　lacerate　the　poor　girl's　heart　until　her
brain　nearly　gives　way。

After　that　it　runs　amuck　up　and　down　the　whole　play　and　makes
everybody　sit　up　all　round。　　It　asks　eminently　respectable　old　maids
if　they　wouldn't　like　to　have　a　baby；　and　it　wants　to　know　why
bald…headed　old　men　have　left　off　wearing　hair；　and　why　other　old
gentlemen　have　red　noses　and　if　they　were　always　that　color。

In　some　plays　it　so　happens　that　the　less　said　about　the　origin　and
source　of　the　stage　child　the　better；　and　in　such　cases　nothing　will
appear　so　important　to　that　contrary　brat　as　to　know；　in　the　middle　of
an　evening…party；　who　its　father　was！

Everybody　loves　the　stage　child。　　They　catch　it　up　in　their　bosoms
every　other　minute　and　weep　over　it。　　They　take　it　in　turns　to　do
this。

Nobodyon　the　stage；　we　　meanever　has　enough　of　the　stage　child。
Nobody　ever　tells　the　stage　child　to　〃shut　up〃　or　to　〃get　out　of
this。〃　　Nobody　ever　clumps　the　stage　child　over　the　head。

When　the　real　child　goes　to　the　theater　it　must　notice　these　things
and　wish　it　were　a　stage　child。

The　stage　child　is　much　admired　by　the　audience。　　Its　pathos　makes
them　weep；　its　tragedy　thrills　them；　its　declamationas　for　instance
when　it　takes　the　center　of　the　stage　and　says　it　will　kill　the　wicked
man；　and　the　police；　and　everybody　who　hurts　its　marstirs　them　like
a　trumpet　note；　and　its　light　comedy　is　generally　held　to　be　the　most
truly　humorous　thing　in　the　whole　range　of　dramatic　art。

But　there　are　some　people　so　strangely　constituted　that　they　do　not
appreciate　the　stage　child；　they　do　not　comprehend　its　uses；　they　do
not　understand　its　beauties。　　We　should　not　be　angry　with　them。　　We
should　the　rather　pity　them。

We　ourselves　had　a　friend　once　who　suffered　from　this　misfortune。　　He
was　a　married　man；　and　Providence　had　been　very　gracious；　very　good　to
him：　　he　had　been　blessed　with　eleven　children；　and　they　were　all
growing　up　well　and　strong。

The　〃baby〃　was　eleven　weeks　old；　and　then　came　the　twins；　who　were
getting　on　for　fifteen　months　and　were　cutting　their　double　teeth
nicely。　　The　youngest　girl　was　three；　there　were　five　boys　aged　seven；
eight；　nine；　ten；　and　twelve　respectivelygood　enough　lads；
butwell；　there；　boys　will　be　boys；　you　know；　we　were　just　the　same
ourselves　when　we　were　young。　　The　two　eldest　were　both　very　pleasant
girls；　as　their　mother　said；　the　only　pity　was　that　they　would　quarrel
so　with　each　other。

We　never　knew　a　healthier　set　of　boys　and　girls。　　They　were　so　full　of
energy　and　dash。

Our　friend　was　very　much　out　of　sorts　one　evening　when　we　called　on
him。　　It　was　holiday…time　and　wet　weather。　　He　had　been　at　home　all
day；　and　so　had　all　the　children。　　He　was　telling　his　wife　when　we
entered　the　room　that　if　the　holidays　were　to　l