the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第6部分

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totterin。　　It's　really　wonderful　I　didn't　drive　you　into　the
Thames。〃

I　asked　the　onhappy　man　what　his　number　was；　so　I　could　redily
find　him　in　case　I　should　want　him　agin；　and　bad　him　good…bye。
And　then　I　tho't　what　a　frollicksome　day　I'd　made　of　it。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Respectably；　&c。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。7。　　SCIENCE　AND　NATURAL　HISTORY。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；I　was　a　little　disapinted　in　not
receivin　a　invitation　to　jine　in　the　meetins　of　the　Social
Science　Congress。

I　don't　exackly　see　how　they　go　on　without　me。

I　hope　it　wasn't　the　intentions　of　the　Sciencers　to　exclood　me
from　their　deliberations。

Let　it　pars。　　I　do　not　repine。　　Let　us　remember　Homer。　　Twenty
cities　claim　Homer　dead；　thro'　which　the　livin　Mr。　Homer　couldn't
have　got　trusted　for　a　sandwich　and　a　glass　of　bitter　beer；　or
words　to　that　effect。

But　perhaps　it　was　a　oversight。　　Certinly　I　have　been　hospitably
rec'd　in　this　country。　　Hospitality　has　been　pored　all　over　me。
At　Liverpool　I　was　asked　to　walk　all　over　the　docks；　which　are
nine　miles　along；　and　I　don't　remember　a　instance　since　my　'rival
in　London　of　my　gettin　into　a　cab　without　a　Briton　comin　and
perlitly　shuttin　the　door　for　me；　and　then　extendin　his　open　hand
to'ards　me；　in　the　most　frenly　manner　possible。　　Does　he　not；　by
this　simple　yit　tuchin　gesture；　welcum　me　to　England？　　Doesn't
he？　　Oh　yesI　guess　he　doesn't　he。　　And　it's　quite　right　among
two　great　countries　which　speak　the　same　langwidge；　except　as
regards　H's。　　And　I've　been　allowed　to　walk　round　all　the
streets。　　Even　at　Buckinham　Pallis；　I　told　a　guard　I　wanted　to
walk　round　there；　and　he　said　I　could　walk　round　there。　　I
ascertained　subsequent　that　he　referd　to　the　sidewalk　instid　of
the　Pallisbut　I　couldn't　doubt　his　hospital　feelins。

I　prepared　a　Essy　on　Animals　to　read　before　the　Social　Science
meetins。　　It　is　a　subjeck　I　may　troothfully　say　I　have
successfully　wrastled　with。　　I　tackled　it　when　only　nineteen
years　old。　　At　that　tender　age　I　writ　a　Essy　for　a　lit'ry
Institoot　entitled；　〃Is　Cats　to　be　Trusted？〃　　Of　the　merits　of
that　Essy　it　doesn't　becum　me　to　speak；　but　I　may　be　excoos'd　for
mentionin　that　the　Institoot　parsed　a　resolution　that　〃whether　we
look　upon　the　length　of　this　Essy；　or　the　manner　in　which　it　is
written；　we　feel　that　we　will　not　express　any　opinion　of　it；　and
we　hope　it　will　be　read　in　other　towns。〃

Of　course　the　Essy　I　writ　for　the　Social　Science　Society　is　a
more　finisheder　production　than　the　one　on　Cats；　which　was　wroten
when　my　mind　was　crood；　and　afore　I　had　masterd　a　graceful　and
ellygant　stile　of　composition。　　I　could　not　even　punctooate　my
sentences　proper　at　that　time；　and　I　observe　with　pane；　on　lookin
over　this　effort　of　my　yooth；　that　its　beauty　is　in　one　or　two
instances　mar'd　by　ingrammaticisms。　　This　was　unexcusable；　and
I'm　surprised　I　did　it。　　A　writer　who　can't　write　in　a　grammerly
manner　better　shut　up　shop。

You　shall　hear　this　Essy　on　Animals。　　Some　day　when　you　have　four
hours　to　spare；　I'll　read　it　to　you。　　I　think　you'll　enjoy　it。
Or；　what　will　be　much　better；　if　I　may　suggestomit　all　picturs
in　next　week's　〃Punch；〃　and　do　not　let　your　contributors　write
enything　whatever　（let　them　have　a　holiday；　they　can　go　to　the
British　Mooseum；）　and　publish　my　Essy　intire。　　It　will　fill　all
your　collumes　full；　and　create　comment。　　Does　this　proposition
strike　you？　　Is　it　a　go？〃

In　case　I　had　read　the　Essy　to　the　Social　Sciencers；　I　had
intended　it　should　be　the　closin　attraction。　　I　had　intended　it
should　finish　the　proceedins。　　I　think　it　would　have　finished
them。　　I　understand　animals　better　than　any　other　class　of　human
creatures。　　I　have　a　very　animal　mind；　and　I've　been　identified
with　'em　doorin　my　entire　professional　career　as　a　showman；　more
especial　bears；　wolves；　leopards　and　serpunts。

The　leopard　is　as　lively　a　animal　as　I　ever　came　into　contack
with。　　It　is　troo　he　cannot　change　his　spots；　but　you　can　change
'em　for　him　with　a　paint…brush；　as　I　once　did　in　the　case　of　a
leopard　who　wasn't　nat'rally　spotted　in　a　attractive　manner。　　In
exhibitin　him　I　used　to　stir　him　up　in　his　cage　with　a　protracted
pole；　and　for　the　purpuss　of　making　him　yell　and　kick　up　in　a
leopardy　manner；　I　used　to　casionally　whack　him　over　the　head。
This　would　make　the　children　inside　the　booth　scream　with　fright；
which　would　make　fathers　of　families　outside　the　booth　very
anxious　to　come　inbecause　there　is　a　large　class　of　parents　who
have　a　uncontrollable　passion　for　takin　their　children　to　places
where　they　will　stand　a　chance　of　being　frightened　to　death。

One　day　I　whacked　this　leopard　more　than　ushil；　which　elissited　a
remonstrance　from　a　tall　gentleman　in　spectacles；　who　said；　〃My
good　man；　do　not　beat　the　poor　caged　animal。　　Rather　fondle　him。〃

〃I'll　fondle　him　with　a　club；〃　I　anserd；　hitting　him　another
whack。

〃I　prythy　desist；〃　said　the　gentleman；　〃stand　aside；　and　see　the
effeck　of　kindness。　　I　understand　the　idiosyncracies　of　these
creeturs　better　than　you　do。〃

With　that　he　went　up　to　the　cage；　and　thrustin　his　face　in
between　the　iron　bars；　he　said；　soothinly；　〃Come　hither；　pretty
creetur。〃

The　pretty　creetur　come…hithered　rayther　speedy；　and　seized　the
gentleman　by　the　whiskers；　which　he　tore　off　about　enuff　to　stuff
a　small　cushion　with。

He　said；　〃You　vagabone；　I'll　have　you　indicted　for　exhibitin
dangerous　and　immoral　animals。〃

I　replied；　〃Gentle　Sir；　there　isn't　a　animal　here　that　hasn't　a
beautiful　moral；　but　you　mustn't　fondle　'em。　　You　mustn't　meddle
with　their　idiotsyncracies。〃

The　gentleman　was　a　dramatic　cricket；　and　he　wrote　a　article　for
a　paper；　in　which　he　said　my　entertainment　was　a　decided　failure。

As　regards　Bears；　you　can　teach　'em　to　do　interesting　things；　but
they're　onreliable。　　I　had　a　very　large　grizzly　bear　once；　who
would　dance；　and　larf；　and　lay　down；　and　bow　his　head　in　grief；
and　give　a　mournful　wale；　etsetry。　　But　he　often　annoyed　me。　　It
will　be　remembered　that　on　the　occasion　of　the　first　battle　of
Bull　Run；　it　suddenly　occurd　to　the　Fed'ral　soldiers　that　they
had　business　in　Washington　which　ought　not　to　be　neglected；　and
they　all　started　for　that　beautiful　and　romantic　city；
maintaining　a　rate　of　speed　durin　the　entire　distance　that　would
have　done　credit　to　the　celebrated　French　steed　〃Gladiateur。〃
Very　nat'rally　our　Gov'ment　was　deeply　grieved　at　this　defeat；
and　I　said　to　my　Bear；　shortly　after；　as　I　was　givin　a　exhibition
in　OhioI　said；　〃Brewin；　are　you　not　sorry　the　National　arms　has
sustained　a　defeat？〃　　His　business　was　to　wale　dismal；　and　bow
his　head　down；　the　band　（a　barrel　organ　and　a　wiolin）　playin　slow
and　melancholly　moosic。　　What　did　the　grizzly　old　cuss　do；
however；　but　commence　darncin　and　larfin　in　the　most　joyous
manner？　　I　had　a　narrer　escape　from　being　imprisoned　for
disloyalty。

I　will　relate　another　incident　in　the　career　of　this　retchid
Bear。　　I　used　to　present　what　I　called　in　the　bills　a　Beautiful
living　Picturshowing　the　Bear's　fondness　for　his　Master：　　in
which　I'd　lay　down　on　a　piece　of　carpeting；　and　the　Bear　would
come　and　lay　down　beside　me；　restin　his　right　paw　on　my　breast；
the　Band　playing　〃Home；　Sweet　Home；〃　very　soft　and　slow。　　Altho'
I　say　it；　it　was　a　tuchin　thing　to　see。　　I've　seen　Tax…Collectors
weep　over　that　performance。

Well；　one　day　I　said；　〃Ladies　and　Gentlemen；　we　will　show　you　the
Bear's　fondness　for　his　master；〃　and　I　went　and　laid　down。　　I
tho't　I　observed　a　pecooliar　expression　into　his　eyes；　as　he
rolled　clumsily　to'ards　me；　but　I　didn't　dream　of　the　scene　which
follered。　　He　laid　down；　and　put　his　paw　on　my　breast。
〃Affection　of　the　Bear　for　his　Master；〃　I　repeated。　　〃You　see　the
Monarch　of　the　Western　Wilds　in　a　subjugated　state。　　Fierce　as
these　animals　naturally　are；　we　now　see　that　they　have　hearts　and
can　love。　　This　Bear；　the　largest　in　the　world；　and　measurin
seventeen　feet　round　the　body；　loves　me　as　a　mer…ther　loves　her
che…ild！〃　　But　what　was　my　horror　when　the　grizzly　and　infamus
Bear　threw　his　other　paw　UNDER　me；　and　riz　with　me　to　his　feet。
Then　claspin　me　in　a　close　embrace　he　waltzed　up　and　down　the
platform　in　a　frightful　manner；　I　yellin　with　fear　and　anguish。
To　make　matters　wuss；　a　low　scurrilus　young　man　in　the　audiens
hollered　out：

〃Playfulness　of　the　Bear！　　Quick　moosic！〃

I　jest　'scaped　with　my　life。　　The　Bear　met　with　a　wiolent　death
the　next　day；　by　bein　in　the　way　when　a　hevily　loaded　gun　was
fired　off　by　one　of　my　men。

But　you　should　hear　my　Essy　which　I　wrote　for　the　Social　Science
Meetins。　　It　would　have　had　a　movin　effeck　on　them。

I　feel　that　I　must　now　conclood。

I　have　read　Earl　Bright's　speech　at　Leeds；　and　I　hope　we　shall
now　hear　from　John　Derby。　　I　trust　that　not　only　they；　but　Wm。　E。
Stanley　and　Lord　Gladstone　will　cling　inflexibly　to　those　great
fundamental　principles；　which　they　understand　far　better　than　I
do；　and　I　will　add　that　I　do　not　understand　anything　about　any　of
them　whatever　in　the　leastand　let　us　all　be　happy；　and　live
within　our　means；　even　if　we　have　to　borrer　money　to　do　it　with。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Very　respectfully　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。8。　　A　VISIT　TO　THE　BRITISH　MUSEUM。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；You　didn't　get　a　instructiv　article　from
my　pen　last　week　on　account　of　my　nervus　sistim　havin　underwent　a
dreffle　shock。　　I　got　caught　in　a　brief　shine　of　sun；　and　it
utterly　upsot　me。　　I　was　walkin　in　Regent　Street　one　day　last
week；　enjoyin　your　rich　black　fog　and　bracing　rains；　when　all　at
once　the　Sun　bust　out　and　actooally　shone　for　nearly　half　an　hour
steady。　　I　acted　promptly。　　I　called　a　cab　and　told　the　driver　to
run　his　hoss　at　a　friteful　rate　of　speed　to　my　lodgins；　but　it
wasn't　of　no　avale。　　I　had　orful　cramps；　and　my　appytite　left　me；
and　my　pults　went　down　to　10　degrees　below　zero。　　But　by　careful
nussin　I　shall　no　doubt　recover　speedy；　if　the　present　sparklin
and　exileratin　weather　continners。

＇All　of　the　foregoin　is　sarcasum。＇

It's　a　sing'lar　fack；　but　I　never　sot　eyes　on　your　excellent
British　Mooseum　till　the　other　day。　　I've