painted windows-第7部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！


lap；　and　having　to　care　for　her　all　of
a　shining　Saturday；　were　two　quite　dif…
ferent　things。　As　the　hours　wore　along
I　became　bored　with　looking　at　the
golden　curls　of　my　baby　sister；　I　had
no　inclination　to　kiss　the　〃honey…spot〃
in　the　back　of　her　neck；　and　when　she
fretted　from　heat　and　teething　and　my
perfunctory　care；　I　grew　angry。

I　knew　mother　was　busy　making　cus…
tards　and　cakes　for　Aunt　Cordelia；　and
I　longed　to　be　in　watching　these　pleas…
ing　operations。　I　thought　　but　what
does　it　matter　what　I　thought？　I　was
bad！　I　was　so　bad　that　I　was　glad　I
was　bad。　Perhaps　it　was　nerves。　May…
be　I　really　had　taken　care　of　the　baby
too　long。　But　however　that　may　be；　for
the　first　time　in　my　life　I　enjoyed　the
consciousness　of　having　a　bad　disposi…
tion　　or　perhaps　I　ought　to　say　that　I
felt　a　fiendish　satisfaction　in　the　discov…
ery　that　I　had　one。

Along　in　the　middle　of　the　afternoon
three　of　the　girls　in　the　neighbourhood
came　over　to　play。　They　had　their
dolls；　and　they　wanted　to　〃keep　house〃
in　the　〃new　part〃　of　our　home。　We
were　living　in　a　roomy　and　comfortable
〃addition；〃　which　had；　oddly　enough；
been　built　before　the　building　to　which
it　was　finally　to　serve　as　an　annex。　That
is　to　say；　it　had　been　the　addition　be…
fore　there　was　anything　to　add　it　to。
By　this　time；　however；　the　new　house
was　getting　a　trifle　old；　as　it　waited　for
the　completion　of　its　rather　dispropor…
tionate　splendours；　splendours　which
represented　the　ambitions　rather　than
the　achievements　of　the　family。　It　tow…
ered；　large；　square；　imposing；　with　hints
of　M。　Mansard's　grandiose　architectu…
ral　ideas　in　its　style；　in　the　very　centre
of　a　village　block　of　land。　From　the
first；　it　exercised　a　sort　of　〃I　dreamt　I
dwelt　in　marble　halls〃　effect　upon　me；
and　in　a　vague　way；　at　the　back　of　my
mind；　floated　the　idea　that　when　we
passed　from　our　modest　home　into
this　commanding　edifice；　well…trained
servants　mysteriously　would　appear；
beautiful　gowns　would　be　found　await…
ing　my　use　in　the　closets；　and　father
and　mother　would　be　able　to　take　their
ease；　something　after　the　fashion　of　the
〃landed　gentry〃　of　whom　I　had　read
in　Scotch　and　English　books。　The　ceil…
ings　of　the　new　house　were　so　high；　the
sweep　of　the　stairs　so　dramatic；　the　size
of　the　drawing…rooms　so　copious；　that
perhaps　I　hardly　was　to　be　blamed　for
expecting　a　transformation　scene。

But　until　this　new　life　was　realised；
the　clean；　bare　rooms　made　the　best　of
all　possible　play…rooms；　and　with　the
light　streaming　in　through　the　trees；
and　falling；　delicately　tinged　with
green；　upon　the　new　floors；　and　with
the　scent　of　the　new　wood　all　about；　it
was　a　place　of　indefinable　enchantment。
I　was　allowed　to　play　there　all　I　pleased
　except　when　I　had　Julie。　There　were
unguarded　windows　and　yawning　stair…
holes；　and　no　steps　as　yet　leading　from
the　ground　to　the　great　opening　where
the　carved　front　door　was　some　time
to　be。　Instead；　there　were　planks；　in…
clined　at　a　steep　angle；　beneath　which
lay　the　stones　of　which　the　foundation
to　the　porch　were　to　be　made。　Jagged
pieces　of　yet　unhewn　sandstone　they
were；　with　cruel　edges。

But　to…day　when　the　girls　said；　〃Oh；
come！〃　my　newly　discovered　badness
echoed　their　words。　I　wanted　to　go
with　them。　So　I　went。

Out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye　I　could
see　father　in　the　distance；　but　I
wouldn't　look　at　him　for　fear　he　would
be　magnetised　into　turning　my　way。
The　girls　had　gone　up；　and　I　followed；
with　Julie　in　my　arms。　Did　I　hear
father　call　to　me　to　stop？　He　always
said　I　did；　but　I　think　he　was　mistaken。
Perhaps　I　merely　didn't　wish　to　hear
him。　Anyway；　I　went　on；　balancing
myself　as　best　I　could。　The　other　girls
had　reached　the　top；　and　turned　to　look
at　us；　and　I　knew　they　were　afraid。　I
think　they　would　have　held　out　their
hands　to　help　me；　but　I　had　both　arms
clasped　about　Julie。　So　I　staggered　on；
got　almost　to　the　top；　then　seemed　sub…
merged　beneath　a　wave　of　fears　　mine
and　those　of　the　girls　　and　fell！　As
I　went；　I　curled　like　a　squirrel　around
Julie；　and　when　I　struck；　she　was　still
in　my　grasp　and　on　top　of　me。　But　she
rolled　out　of　my　relaxing　clutch　after
that；　and　when　father　and　mother　came
running；　she　was　lying　on　the　stones。
They　thought　she　had　fallen　that　way；
and　as　the　breath　had　been　fairly
knocked　out　of　her　little　body；　so　that
she　was　not　crying；　they　were　more
frightened　than　ever；　and　ran　with　her
to　the　house；　wild　with　apprehension。

As　for　me；　I　got　up　somehow　and　fol…
owed。　I　decided　no　bones　were　broken；
but　I　was　dizzy　and　faint；　and　aching
from　bruises。　I　saw　my　little　friends
running　down　the　plank　and　making　off
along　the　poplar　drive；　white…faced　and
panting。　I　knew　they　thought　Julie
was　dead　and　that　I'd　be　hung。　I　had
the　same　idea。

When　we　got　to　the　sitting…room　I
had　a　strange　feeling　of　never　having
seen　it　before。　The　tall　stove；　the
green　and　oak　ingrain　carpet；　the　green
rep　chairs；　the　what…not　with　its　shells；
the　steel　engravings　on　the　walls；
seemed　absolutely　strange。　I　sat　down
and　counted　the　diamond…shaped　figures
on　the　oilcloth　in　front　of　the　stove；
and　after　a　long　time　I　heard　Julie　cry；
and　mother　say　with　immeasurable　re…
lief：

〃Aside　from　a　shaking　up；　I　don't
believe　she's　a　bit　the　worse。〃

Then　some　one　brought　me　a　cupful
of　cold　water　and　asked　me　if　I　was
hurt。　I　shook　my　head　and　would　not
speak。　I　then　heard；　in　simple　and　em…
phatic　Anglo…Saxon　the　opinions　of　my
father　and　mother　about　a　girl　who
would　put　her　little　sister's　life　in　dan…
ger；　and　would　disobey　her　parents。
And　after　that　I　was　put　in　my　moth…
er's　bedroom　to　pass　the　rest　of　the
day；　and　was　told　I　needn't　expect　to
come　to　the　table　with　the　others。

I　accepted　my　fate　stoically；　and　be…
ing　permitted　to　carry　my　own　chair
into　the　room；　I　put　it　by　the　western
window；　which　looked　across　two　miles
of　meadows　waving　in　buckwheat；　in
clover　and　grass；　and　sat　there　in　a　cu…
rious　torpor　of　spirit。　I　was　glad　to
be　alone；　for　I　had　discovered　a　new
idea　　the　idea　of　sin。　I　wished　to　be
left　to　myself　till　I　could　think　out　what
it　meant。　I　believed　I　could　do　that　by
night；　and；　after　I　had　got　to　the　root
of　the　matter；　I　could　cast　the　whole
ugly　thing　out　of　my　soul　and　be　good
all　the　rest　of　my　life。

There　was　a　large　upholstered　chair
standing　in　front　of　me；　and　I　put　my
head　down　on　the　seat　of　that　and
thought　and　thought。　My　thoughts
reached　so　far　that　I　grew　frightened；
and　I　was　relieved　when　I　felt　the　little
soft　grey　veils　drawing　about　me　which
I　knew　meant　sleep。　It　seemed　to　me
that　I　really　ought　to　weep　　that　the
circumstances　were　such　that　I　should
weep。　But　sleep　was　sweeter　than
tears；　and　not　only　the　pain　in　my　mind
but　the　jar　and　bruise　of　my　body
seemed　to　demand　that　oblivion。　So　I
gave　way　to　the　impulse；　and　the　grey
veils　wrapped　around　and　around　me
as　a　spider's　web　enwraps　a　fly。　And
for　hours　I　knew　nothing。

When　I　awoke　it　was　the　close　of　day。
Long　tender　shadows　lay　across　the
fields；　the　sky　had　that　wonderful　clear…
ness　and　kindness　which　is　like　a　hu…
man　eye；　and　the　soft　wind　puffing　in
at　the　window　was　sweet　with　field
fragrance。　A　glass　of　milk　and　a　plate
with　two　slices　of　bread　lay　on　the　win…
dow　sill　by　me；　as　if　some　one　had
placed　them　there　from　the　outside。　I
could　hear　birds　settling　down　for　the
night；　and　cheeping　drowsily　to　each
other。　My　cat　came　on　the　scene　and；
seeing　me；　looked　at　me　with　serious；
expanding　eyes；　twitched　her　whiskers
cynically；　and　passed　on。　Presently　I
heard　the　voices　of　my　family。　They
were　re…entering　the　sitting…room。　Sup…
per　was　over　　supper；　with　its　cold
meats　and　shining　jellies；　its　〃floating
island〃　and　its　fig　cake。　I　could　hear
a　voice　that　was　new　to　me。　It　was
deeper　than　my　mother's；　and　its　ac…
cent　was　different。　It　was　the　sort　of
a　voice　that　made　you　feel　that　its
owner　had　talked　with　many　different
kinds　of　people；　and　had　contrived　to
hold　her　own　with　all　of　them。　I　knew
it　belonged　to　Aunt　Cordelia。　And　now
that　I　was　not　to　see　her；　I　felt　my　curi…
osity　arising　in　me。　I　wanted　to　look
at　her；　and　still　more　I　wished　to　ask
her　about　goodness。　She　was　rich　and
good！　Was　one　the　result　of　the　other？
And　which　came　first？　I　dimly　per…
ceived　that　if　there　had　been　more
money　in　our　house　there　would　have
been　more　help；　and　I　would　not　have
been　led　into　temptation　　baby　would
not　have　been　left　too　long　upon　my
hands。　However；　after　a　few　moments
of　self…pity；　I　rejected　this　thought。　I
knew　I　really　was　to　blame；　and　it　oc…
curred　to　me　that　I　would　add　to　my
faults　if　I　tried　to　put　the　blame　on　any…
body　else。

Now　that　the　first　shock　was　over　and
that　my　sleep　had　refreshed　me；　I　be…
gan　to　see　what　terrible　sorrow　had
been　mine　if　the　fall　had　really　injured
Julie；　and　a　sudden　thought　shook　me。
She　might；　after　all；　have　been　hurt　in
some　way　that　would　show　itself　later
on。　I　yearned　to　look　upon　her；　to　see
if　all　her　sweetness　and　softness　was　in…
tact。　It　seemed　to　me　that　if　I　could
not　see　her　the　rising　grief　in　me　would
break；　and　I　would　sob　aloud。　I　didn't
want　to　do　that。　I　had　no　notion　to
call　any　attention　to　myself　whatever；
but　see　the　baby　I　must。　So；　softly；
and　like　a　thief；　I　opened　the　door　com…
municating　with　the　little　dressing…
room　in　which　Julie's　cradle　stood。　The
curtain　had　been　drawn　and　it　was　al…
most　dark；　but　I　found　my　way　to
Julie's　bassinet。　I　could　not　quite　see
her；　but　the　delicate　odour　of　her
breath　came　up　to　me；　and　I　found　her
little　hand　and　slipped　my　finger　in　it。
It　was　gripped　in　a　baby　pressure；　and
I　stood　there　enraptured；　feeling　as　if
a　flower　had　caressed　me。　I　was
thrilled　through　and　through　with　hap…
piness；　and　with　love　for　this　little　crea…
ture；　whom　my　selfishness　might　have
destroyed。　There　was　nothing　in　what
had　happened　during　this　moment　or
two　when　I　stood　by　her　side　to　assure
me　that　all　was　well　with　her；　but　I　did
so　believe；　and　I　said　over　and　over：
〃Thank　you；　God！　Thank　you；　God！〃

And　now　my　tears　began　to　flow。
They　came　in　a　storm　　a　storm　I　could
not　co