i and my chimney-第6部分

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mystery　involving　the　former；　and　the　equally　profound　masonry

involving　the　latter；　though　both　acknowledged　facts；　were　alike

preposterous　on　any　other　supposition　than　the　secret　closet。　



But　all　this　time　I　was　quietly　thinking　to　myself：　Could　it　be

hidden　from　me　that　my　credulity　in　this　instance　would　operate

very　favorably　to　a　certain　plan　of　theirs？　How　to　get　to　the

secret　closet；　or　how　to　have　any　certainty　about　it　at　all；

without　making　such　fell　work　with　my　chimney　as　to　render　its

set　destruction　superfluous？　That　my　wife　wished　to　get　rid　of

the　chimney；　it　needed　no　reflection　to　show；　and　that　Mr。

Scribe；　for　all　his　pretended　disinterestedness；　was　not　opposed

to　pocketing　five　hundred　dollars　by　the　operation；　seemed

equally　evident。　That　my　wife　had；　in　secret；　laid　heads　together

with　Mr。　Scribe；　I　at　present　refrain　from　affirming。　But　when　I

consider　her　enmity　against　my　chimney；　and　the　steadiness　with

which　at　the　last　she　is　wont　to　carry　out　her　schemes；　if　by

hook　or　crook　she　can；　especially　after　having　been　once　baffled；

why；　I　scarcely　knew　at　what　step　of　hers　to　be　surprised。　



Of　one　thing　only　was　I　resolved；　that　I　and　my　chimney　should

not　budge。　



In　vain　all　protests。　Next　morning　I　went　out　into　the　road；

where　I　had　noticed　a　diabolical…looking　old　gander；　that；　for

its　doughty　exploits　in　the　way　of　scratching　into　forbidden

enclosures；　had　been　rewarded　by　its　master　with　a　portentous；

four…pronged；　wooden　decoration；　in　the　shape　of　a　collar　of　the

Order　of　the　Garotte。　This　gander　I　cornered　and　rummaging　out

its　stiffest　quill；　plucked　it；　took　it　home；　and　making　a　stiff

pen；　inscribed　the　following　stiff　note：　



CHIMNEY　SIDE；　April　2。　

MR。　SCRIBE

Sir：…For　your　conjecture；　we　return　you　our　joint　thanks　and

compliments；　and　beg　leave　to　assure　you；　that　we　shall　remain；　

Very　faithfully；　

The　same；　

I　AND　MY　CHIMNEY。　



Of　course；　for　this　epistle　we　had　to　endure　some　pretty　sharp

raps。　But　having　at　last　explicitly　understood　from　me　that　Mr。

Scribe's　note　had　not　altered　my　mind　one　jot；　my　wife；　to　move

me；　among　other　things　said；　that　if　she　remembered　aright；　there

was　a　statute　placing　the　keeping　in　private　of　secret　closets　on

the　same　unlawful　footing　with　the　keeping　of　gunpowder。　But　it

had　no　effect。　



A　few　days　after；　my　spouse　changed　her　key。　



It　was　nearly　midnight；　and　all　were　in　bed　but　ourselves；　who

sat　up；　one　in　each　chimney…　corner；　she；　needles　in　hand；

indefatigably　knitting　a　sock；　I；　pipe　in　mouth；　indolently

weaving　my　vapors。　



It　was　one　of　the　first　of　the　chill　nights　in　autumn。　There　was

a　fire　on　the　hearth；　burning　low。　The　air　without　was　torpid　and

heavy；　the　wood；　by　an　oversight；　of　the　sort　called　soggy。　



〃Do　look　at　the　chimney；〃　she　began；　〃can't　you　see　that

something　must　be　in　it？〃　



〃Yes；　wife。　Truly　there　is　smoke　in　the　chimney；　as　in　Mr。

Scribe's　note。〃　



〃Smoke？　Yes；　indeed；　and　in　my　eyes；　too。　How　you　two　wicked　old

sinners　do　smoke！this　wicked　old　chimney　and　you。〃　



〃Wife；〃　said　I；　〃I　and　my　chimney　like　to　have　a　quiet　smoke

together；　it　is　true；　but　we　don't　like　to　be　called　names。〃　



〃Now；　dear　old　man；〃　said　she；　softening　down；　and　a　little

shifting　the　subject；　〃when　you　think　of　that　old　kinsman　of

yours；　you　KNOW　there　must　be　a　secret　closet　in　this　chimney。〃　



〃Secret　ash…hole；　wife；　why　don't　you　have　it？　Yes；　I　dare　say

there　is　a　secret　ash…hole　in　the　chimney；　for　where　do　all　the

ashes　go　to　that　drop　down　the　queer　hole　yonder？〃　

　

〃I　know　where　they　go　to；　I've　been　there　almost　as　many　times　as

the　cat。〃　



〃What　devil；　wife；　prompted　you　to　crawl　into　the　ash…hole？　Don't

you　know　that　St。　Dunstan's　devil　emerged　from　the　ash…hole？　You

will　get　your　death　one　of　these　days；　exploring　all　about　as　you

do。　But　supposing　there　be　a　secret　closet；　what　then？〃　



〃What　then？　why　what　should　be　in　a　secret　closet　but〃　



〃Dry　bones；　wife；〃　broke　in　I　with　a　puff；　while　the　sociable　old

chimney　broke　in　with　another。



〃There　again！　Oh；　how　this　wretched　old　chimney　smokes；〃　wiping

her　eyes　with　her　handkerchief。　〃I've　no　doubt　the　reason　it

smokes　so　is；　because　that　secret　closet　interferes　with　the

flue。　Do　see；　too；　how　the　jambs　here　keep　settling；　and　it's

down　hill　all　the　way　from　the　door　to　this　hearth。　This　horrid

old　chimney　will　fall　on　our　heads　yet；　depend　upon　it；　old　man。〃



〃Yes；　wife；　I　do　depend　on　it；　yes　indeed；　I　place　every

dependence　on　my　chimney。　As　for　its　settling；　I　like　it。　I；　too；

am　settling；　you　know；　in　my　gait。　I　and　my　chimney　are　settling

together；　and　shall　keep　settling；　too；　till；　as　in　a　great

feather…bed；　we　shall　both　have　settled　away　clean　out　of　sight。

But　this　secret　oven；　I　mean；　secret　closet　of　yours；　wife；　where

exactly　do　you　suppose　that　secret　closet　is？　〃　



〃That　is　for　Mr。　Scribe　to　say。〃　



〃But　suppose　he　cannot　say　exactly；　what；　then？〃　



〃Why　then　he　can　prove；　I　am　sure；　that　it　must　be　somewhere　or

other　in　this　horrid　old　chimney。〃　



〃And　if　he　can't　prove　that；　what；　then？〃



〃Why　then；　old　man；〃　with　a　stately　air；　〃I　shall　say　little　more

about　it。〃　



〃Agreed；　wife；〃　returned　I；　knocking　my　pipe…bowl　against　the

jamb；　〃and　now；　to…morrow；　I　will　for　a　third　time　send　for　Mr。

Scribe。　Wife；　the　sciatica　takes　me；　be　so　good　as　to　put　this

pipe　on　the　mantel。〃　



〃If　you　get　the　step…ladder　for　me；　I　will。　This　shocking　old

chimney；　this　abominable　old…fashioned　old　chimney's　mantels　are

so　high；　I　can't　reach　them。〃　



No　opportunity；　however　trivial；　was　overlooked　for　a　subordinate

fling　at　the　pile。



Here；　by　way　of　introduction；　it　should　be　mentioned；　that

besides　the　fireplaces　all　round　it；　the　chimney　was；　in　the　most

haphazard　way；　excavated　on　each　floor　for　certain　curious

out…of…the…way　cupboards　and　closets；　of　all　sorts　and　sizes；

clinging　here　and　there；　like　nests　in　the　crotches　of　some　old

oak。　On　the　second　floor　these　closets　were　by　far　the　most

irregular　and　numerous。　And　yet　this　should　hardly　have　been　so；

since　the　theory　of　the　chimney　was；　that　it　pyramidically

diminished　as　it　ascended。　The　abridgment　of　its　square　on　the

roof　was　obvious　enough；　and　it　was　supposed　that　the　reduction

must　be　methodically　graduated　from　bottom　to　top。　



〃Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I　when；　the　next　day；　with　an　eager　aspect；

that　individual　again　came；　〃my　object　in　sending　for　you　this

morning　is；　not　to　arrange　for　the　demolition　of　my　chimney；　nor

to　have　any　particular　conversation　about　it；　but　simply　to　allow

you　every　reasonable　facility　for　verifying；　if　you　can；　the

conjecture　communicated　in　your　note。〃　



Though　in　secret　not　a　little　crestfallen；　it　may　be；　by　my

phlegmatic　reception；　so　different　from　what　he　had　looked　for；

with　much　apparent　alacrity　he　commenced　the　survey；　throwing

open　the　cupboards　on　the　first　floor；　and　peering　into　the

closets　on　the　second；　measuring　one　within；　and　then　comparing

that　measurement　with　the　measurement　without。　Removing　the

fireboards；　he　would　gaze　up　the　flues。　But　no　sign　of　the　hidden

work　yet。　



Now；　on　the　second　floor　the　rooms　were　the　most　rambling

conceivable。　They；　as　it　were；　dovetailed　into　each　other。　They

were　of　all　shapes；　not　one　mathematically　square　room　among　them

alla　peculiarity　which　by　the　master…mason　had　not　been

unobserved。　With　a　significant；　not　to　say　portentous　expression；

he　took　a　circuit　of　the　chimney；　measuring　the　area　of　each　room

around　it；　then　going　down　stairs；　and　out　of　doors；　he　measured

the　entire　ground　area；　then　compared　the　sum　total　of　the　areas

of　all　the　rooms　on　the　second　floor　with　the　ground　area；　then；

returning　to　me　in　no　small　excitement；　announced　that　there　was

a　difference　of　no　less　than　two　hundred　and　odd　square

feetroom　enough；　in　all　conscience；　for　a　secret　closet。



〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I；　stroking　my　chin；　〃have　you　allowed

for　the　walls；　both　main　and　sectional？　They　take　up　some　space；

you　know。〃　



〃Ah；　I　had　forgotten　that；〃　tapping　his　forehead；　〃but；〃　still

ciphering　on　his　paper；　〃that　will　not　make　up　the　deficiency。〃



　〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　recesses　of　so　many

fireplaces　on　a　floor；　and　for　the　fire…walls；　and　the　flues；　in

short；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　legitimate　chimney

itselfsome　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　or

thereabouts；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　



〃How　unaccountable。　That　slipped　my　mind；　too。〃　



〃Did　it；　indeed；　Mr。　Scribe？〃



He　faltered　a　little；　and　burst　forth　with；　〃But　we　must　now

allow　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　for　the　legitimate

chimney。　My　position　is；　that　within　those　undue　limits　the

secret　closet　is　contained。〃　



I　eyed　him　in　silence　a　moment；　then　spoke：



　〃Your　survey　is　concluded；　Mr。　Scribe；　be　so　good　now　as　to　lay

your　finger　upon　the　exact　part　of　the　chimney　wall　where　you

believe　this　secret　closet　to　be；　or　would　a　witch…hazel　wand

assist　you；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　

　

〃No；　Sir；　but　a　crowbar　would；〃　he；　with　temper；　rejoined。　



Here；　now；　thought　I　to　myself；　the　cat　leaps　out　of　the　bag。　　I

looked　at　him　with　a　calm　glance；　under　which　he　seemed　somewhat

uneasy。　　More　than　ever　now　I　suspected　a　plot。　I　remembered　what

my　wife　had　said　about　abiding　by　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。　In

a　bland　way；　I　resolved　to　buy　up　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。　



〃Sir；〃　said　I；　〃really；　I　am　much　obliged　to　you　for　this　survey。

It　has　quite　set　my　mind　at　rest。　And　no　doubt　you；　too；　Mr。

Scribe；　must　feel　much　relieved。　Sir；〃　I　added；　〃you　have　made

three　visits　to　the　chimney。　With　a　business　man；　time　is　money。

Here　are　fifty　dollars；　Mr。　Scribe。　Nay；　take　it。　You　have　earned

it。　Your　opinion　is　worth　it。　And　by　the　way；〃as　he　modestly

receiv