i and my chimney-第7部分

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Here　are　fifty　dollars；　Mr。　Scribe。　Nay；　take　it。　You　have　earned

it。　Your　opinion　is　worth　it。　And　by　the　way；〃as　he　modestly

received　the　money…〃have　you　any　objections　to　give　me

aalittle　certificatesomething；　say；　like　a　steamboat

certificate；　certifying　that　you；　a　competent　surveyor；　have

surveyed　my　chimney；　and　found　no　reason　to　believe　any

unsoundness；　in　short；　anyany　secret　closet　in　it。　Would　you　be

so　kind；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　

　

〃But；　but；　sir；〃　stammered　he　with　honest　hesitation。　



〃Here；　here　are　pen　and　paper；〃　said　I；　with　entire　assurance。　



Enough。　



That　evening　I　had　the　certificate　framed　and　hung　over　the

dining…room　fireplace；　trusting　that　the　continual　sight　of　it

would　forever　put　at　rest　at　once　the　dreams　and　stratagems　of　my

household。　



But；　no。　Inveterately　bent　upon　the　extirpation　of　that　noble　old

chimney；　still　to　this　day　my　wife　goes　about　it；　with　my

daughter　Anna's　geological　hammer；　tapping　the　wall　all　over；　and

then　holding　her　ear　against　it；　as　I　have　seen　the　physicians　of

life　insurance　companies　tap　a　man's　chest；　and　then　incline　over

for　the　echo。　Sometimes　of　nights　she　almost　frightens　one；　going

about　on　this　phantom　errand；　and　still　following　the　sepulchral

response　of　the　chimney；　round　and　round；　as　if　it　were　leading

her　to　the　threshold　of　the　secret　closet。　



〃How　hollow　it　sounds；〃　she　will　hollowly　cry。　〃Yes；　I　declare；〃

with　an　emphatic　tap；　〃there　is　a　secret　closet　here。　Here；　in

this　very　spot。　　Hark！　　How　hollow！〃　



〃Psha！　wife；　of　course　it　is　hollow。　Who　ever　heard　of　a　solid

chimney？〃　But　nothing　avails。　And　my　daughters　take　after；　not

me；　but　their　mother。　



Sometimes　all　three　abandon　the　theory　of　the　secret　closet　and

return　to　the　genuine　ground　of　attackthe　unsightliness　of　so

cumbrous　a　pile；　with　comments　upon　the　great　addition　of　room　to

be　gained　by　its　demolition；　and　the　fine　effect　of　the　projected

grand　hall；　and　the　convenience　resulting　from　the　collateral

running　in　one　direction　and　another　of　their　various　partitions。

Not　more　ruthlessly　did　the　Three　Powers　partition　away　poor

Poland；　than　my　wife　and　daughters　would　fain　partition　away　my

chimney。　



But　seeing　that；　despite　all；　I　and　my　chimney　still　smoke　our

pipes；　my　wife　reoccupies　the　ground　of　the　secret　closet；

enlarging　upon　what　wonders　are　there；　and　what　a　shame　it　is；

not　to　seek　it　out　and　explore　it。　



〃Wife；〃　said　I；　upon　one　of　these　occasions；　〃why　speak　more　of

that　secret　closet；　when　there　before　you　hangs　contrary

testimony　of　a　master　mason；　elected　by　yourself　to　decide。

Besides；　even　if　there　were　a　secret　closet；　secret　it　should

remain；　and　secret　it　shall。　Yes；　wife；　here　for　once　I　must　say

my　say。　Infinite　sad　mischief　has　resulted　from　the　profane

bursting　open　of　secret　recesses。　Though　standing　in　the　heart　of

this　house；　though　hitherto　we　have　all　nestled　about　it；

unsuspicious　of　aught　hidden　within；　this　chimney　may　or　may　not

have　a　secret　closet。　But　if　it　have；　it　is　my　kinsman's。　To

break　into　that　wall；　would　be　to　break　into　his　breast。　　　And

that　wall…breaking　wish　of　Momus　I　account　the　wish　of　a

churchrobbing　gossip　and　knave。　Yes；　wife；　a　vile　eavesdropping

varlet　was　Momus。〃　



〃Moses？　Mumps？　Stuff　with　your　mumps　and　Moses？〃



The　truth　is；　my　wife；　like　all　the　rest　of　the　world；　cares　not

a　fig　for　philosophical　jabber。　In　dearth　of　other　philosophical

companionship；　I　and　my　chimney　have　to　smoke　and　philosophize

together。　And　sitting　up　so　late　as　we　do　at　it；　a　mighty　smoke

it　is　that　we　two　smoky　old　philosophers　make。　



But　my　spouse；　who　likes　the　smoke　of　my　tobacco　as　little　as　she

does　that　of　the　soot；　carries　on　her　war　against　both。　I　live　in

continual　dread　lest；　like　the　golden　bowl；　the　pipes　of　me　and

my　chimney　shall　yet　be　broken。　To　stay　that　mad　project　of　my

wife's；　naught　answers。　Or；　rather；　she　herself　is　incessantly

answering；　incessantly　besetting　me　with　her　terrible　alacrity

for　improvement；　which　is　a　softer　name　for　destruction。　　Scarce

a　day　I　do　not　find　her　with　her　tape…measure；　measuring　for　her

grand　hall；　while　Anna　holds　a　yardstick　on　one　side；　and　Julia

looks　approvingly　on　from　the　other。　Mysterious　intimations

appear　in　the　nearest　village　paper；　signed　〃Claude；〃　to　the

effect　that　a　certain　structure；　standing　on　a　certain　hill；　is　a

sad　blemish　to　an　otherwise　lovely　landscape。　Anonymous　letters

arrive；　threatening　me　with　I　know　not　what；　unless　I　remove　my

chimney。　Is　it　my　wife；　too；　or　who；　that　sets　up　the　neighbors

to　badgering　me　on　the　same　subject；　and　hinting　to　me　that　my

chimney；　like　a　huge　elm；　absorbs　all　moisture　from　my　garden？　At

night；　also；　my　wife　will　start　as　from　sleep；　professing　to　hear

ghostly　noises　from　the　secret　closet。　Assailed　on　all　sides；　and

in　all　ways；　small　peace　have　I　and　my　chimney。　

　

Were　it　not　for　the　baggage；　we　would　together　pack　up　and　remove

from　the　country。　



What　narrow　escapes　have　been　ours！　Once　I　found　in　a　drawer　a

whole　portfolio　of　plans　and　estimates。　Another　time；　upon

returning　after　a　day's　absence；　I　discovered　my　wife　standing

before　the　chimney　in　earnest　conversation　with　a　person　whom　I

at　once　recognized　as　a　meddlesome　architectural　reformer；　who；

because　he　had　no　gift　for　putting　up　anything　was　ever　intent

upon　pulling　them　down；　in　various　parts　of　the　country　having

prevailed　upon　half…witted　old　folks　to　destroy　their

old…fashioned　houses；　particularly　the　chimneys。　



But　worst　of　all　was；　that　time　I　unexpectedly　returned　at　early

morning　from　a　visit　to　the　city；　and　upon　approaching　the　house；

narrowly　escaped　three　brickbats　which　fell；　from　high　aloft；　at

my　feet。　Glancing　up；　what　was　my　horror　to　see　three　savages；　in

blue　jean　overalls　in　the　very　act　of　commencing　the

long…threatened　attack。　　Aye；　indeed；　thinking　of　those　three

brickbats；　I　and　my　chimney　have　had　narrow　escapes。　



It　is　now　some　seven　years　since　I　have　stirred　from　my　home。　　My

city　friends　all　wonder　why　I　don't　come　to　see　them；　as　in

former　times。　They　think　I　am　getting　sour　and　unsocial。　Some　say

that　I　have　become　a　sort　of　mossy　old　misanthrope；　while　all　the

time　the　fact　is；　I　am　simply　standing　guard　over　my　mossy　old

chimney；　for　it　is　resolved　between　me　and　my　chimney；　that　I　and

my　chimney　will　never　surrender。　











The　End