confessions of an english opium-eater-第6部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！


g　stimulus　I　should　either　have　died　on　the　spot；　or　should　at　least　have　sunk　to　a　point　of　exhaustion　from　which　all　reascent　under　my　friendless　circumstances　would　soon　have　become　hopeless。　　Then　it　was；　at　this　crisis　of　my　fate；　that　my　poor　orphan　companion；　who　had　herself　met　with　little　but　injuries　in　this　world；　stretched　out　a　saving　hand　to　me。　　Uttering　a　cry　of　terror；　but　without　a　moment's　delay；　she　ran　off　into　Oxford　Street；　and　in　less　time　than　could　be　imagined　returned　to　me　with　a　glass　of　port　wine　and　spices；　that　acted　upon　my　empty　stomach；　which　at　that　time　would　have　rejected　all　solid　food；　with　an　instantaneous　power　of　restoration；　and　for　this　glass　the　generous　girl　without　a　murmur　paid　out　of　her　humble　purse　at　a　timebe　it　remembered！when　she　had　scarcely　wherewithal　to　purchase　the　bare　necessaries　of　life；　and　when　she　could　have　no　reason　to　expect　that　I　should　ever　be　able　to　reimburse　her。

Oh；　youthful　benefactress！　how　often　in　succeeding　years；　standing　in　solitary　places；　and　thinking　of　thee　with　grief　of　heart　and　perfect　lovehow　often　have　I　wished　that；　as　in　ancient　times；　the　curse　of　a　father　was　believed　to　have　a　supernatural　power；　and　to　pursue　its　object　with　a　fatal　necessity　of　self…fulfilment；　even　so　the　benediction　of　a　heart　oppressed　with　gratitude　might　have　a　like　prerogative；　might　have　power　given　to　it　from　above　to　chase；　to　haunt；　to　waylay；　to　overtake；　to　pursue　thee　into　the　central　darkness　of　a　London　brothel；　or　（if　it　were　possible）　into　the　darkness　of　the　grave；　there　to　awaken　thee　with　an　authentic　message　of　peace　and　forgiveness；　and　of　final　reconciliation！

I　do　not　often　weep：　　for　not　only　do　my　thoughts　on　subjects　connected　with　the　chief　interests　of　man　daily；　nay　hourly；　descend　a　thousand　fathoms　〃too　deep　for　tears；〃　not　only　does　the　sternness　of　my　habits　of　thought　present　an　antagonism　to　the　feelings　which　prompt　tearswanting　of　necessity　to　those　who；　being　protected　usually　by　their　levity　from　any　tendency　to　meditative　sorrow；　would　by　that　same　levity　be　made　incapable　of　resisting　it　on　any　casual　access　of　such　feelings；　but　also；　I　believe　that　all　minds　which　have　contemplated　such　objects　as　deeply　as　I　have　done；　must；　for　their　own　protection　from　utter　despondency；　have　early　encouraged　and　cherished　some　tranquillising　belief　as　to　the　future　balances　and　the　hieroglyphic　meanings　of　human　sufferings。　　On　these　accounts　I　am　cheerful　to　this　hour；　and；　as　I　have　said；　I　do　not　often　weep。　　Yet　some　feelings；　though　not　deeper　or　more　passionate；　are　more　tender　than　others；　and　often；　when　I　walk　at　this　time　in　Oxford　Street　by　dreamy　lamplight；　and　hear　those　airs　played　on　a　barrel…organ　which　years　ago　solaced　me　and　my　dear　companion　（as　I　must　always　call　her）；　I　shed　tears；　and　muse　with　myself　at　the　mysterious　dispensation　which　so　suddenly　and　so　critically　separated　us　for　ever。　　How　it　happened　the　reader　will　understand　from　what　remains　of　this　introductory　narration。

Soon　after　the　period　of　the　last　incident　I　have　recorded　I　met　in　Albemarle　Street　a　gentleman　of　his　late　Majesty's　household。　　This　gentleman　had　received　hospitalities　on　different　occasions　from　my　family；　and　he　challenged　me　upon　the　strength　of　my　family　likeness。　　I　did　not　attempt　any　disguise；　I　answered　his　questions　ingenuously；　and；　on　his　pledging　his　word　of　honour　that　he　would　not　betray　me　to　my　guardians；　I　gave　him　an　address　to　my　friend　the　attorney's。　　The　next　day　I　received　from　him　a　10　pound　bank…　note。　　The　letter　enclosing　it　was　delivered　with　other　letters　of　business　to　the　attorney；　but　though　his　look　and　manner　informed　me　that　he　suspected　its　contents；　he　gave　it　up　to　me　honourably　and　without　demur。

This　present；　from　the　particular　service　to　which　it　was　applied；　leads　me　naturally　to　speak　of　the　purpose　which　had　allured　me　up　to　London；　and　which　I　had　been　（to　use　a　forensic　word）　soliciting　from　the　first　day　of　my　arrival　in　London　to　that　of　my　final　departure。

In　so　mighty　a　world　as　London　it　will　surprise　my　readers　that　I　should　not　have　found　some　means　of　starving　off　the　last　extremities；　of　penury；　and　it　will　strike　them　that　two　resources　at　least　must　have　been　open　to　meviz。；　either　to　seek　assistance　from　the　friends　of　my　family；　or　to　turn　my　youthful　talents　and　attainments　into　some　channel　of　pecuniary　emolument。　　As　to　the　first　course；　I　may　observe　generally；　that　what　I　dreaded　beyond　all　other　evils　was　the　chance　of　being　reclaimed　by　my　guardians；　not　doubting　that　whatever　power　the　law　gave　them　would　have　been　enforced　against　me　to　the　utmostthat　is；　to　the　extremity　of　forcibly　restoring　me　to　the　school　which　I　had　quitted；　a　restoration　which；　as　it　would　in　my　eyes　have　been　a　dishonour；　even　if　submitted　to　voluntarily；　could　not　fail；　when　extorted　from　me　in　contempt　and　defiance　of　my　own　wishes　and　efforts；　to　have　been　a　humiliation　worse　to　me　than　death；　and　which　would　indeed　have　terminated　in　death。　　I　was　therefore　shy　enough　of　applying　for　assistance　even　in　those　quarters　where　I　was　sure　of　receiving　it；　at　the　risk　of　furnishing　my　guardians　with　any　clue　of　recovering　me。　　But　as　to　London　in　particular；　though　doubtless　my　father　had　in　his　lifetime　had　many　friends　there；　yet　（as　ten　years　had　passed　since　his　death）　I　remembered　few　of　them　even　by　name；　and　never　having　seen　London　before；　except　once　for　a　few　hours；　I　knew　not　the　address　of　even　those　few。　　To　this　mode　of　gaining　help；　therefore；　in　part　the　difficulty；　but　much　more　the　paramount　fear　which　I　have　mentioned；　habitually　indisposed　me。　　In　regard　to　the　other　mode；　I　now　feel　half　inclined　to　join　my　reader　in　wondering　that　I　should　have　overlooked　it。　　As　a　corrector　of　Greek　proofs　（if　in　no　other　way）　I　might　doubtless　have　gained　enough　for　my　slender　wants。　　Such　an　office　as　this　I　could　have　discharged　with　an　exemplary　and　punctual　accuracy　that　would　soon　have　gained　me　the　confidence　of　my　employers。　　But　it　must　not　be　forgotten　that；　even　for　such　an　office　as　this；　it　was　necessary　that　I　should　first　of　all　have　an　introduction　to　some　respectable　publisher；　and　this　I　had　no　means　of　obtaining。　　To　say　the　truth；　however；　it　had　never　once　occurred　to　me　to　think　of　literary　labours　as　a　source　of　profit。　　No　mode　sufficiently　speedy　of　obtaining　money　had　ever　occurred　to　me　but　that　of　borrowing　it　on　the　strength　of　my　future　claims　and　expectations。　　This　mode　I　sought　by　every　avenue　to　compass；　and　amongst　other　persons　I　applied　to　a　Jew　named　D…　｛4｝

To　this　Jew；　and　to　other　advertising　money…lenders　（some　of　whom　were；　I　believe；　also　Jews）；　I　had　introduced　myself　with　an　account　of　my　expectations；　which　account；　on　examining　my　father's　will　at　Doctors'　Commons；　they　had　ascertained　to　be　correct。　　The　person　there　mentioned　as　the　second　son　ofwas　found　to　have　all　the　claims　（or　more　than　all）　that　I　had　stated；　but　one　question　still　remained；　which　the　faces　of　the　Jews　pretty　significantly　suggestedwas　I　that　person？　　This　doubt　had　never　occurred　to　me　as　a　possible　one；　I　had　rather　feared；　whenever　my　Jewish　friends　scrutinised　me　keenly；　that　I　might　be　too　well　known　to　be　that　person；　and　that　some　scheme　might　be　passing　in　their　minds　for　entrapping　me　and　selling　me　to　my　guardians。　　It　was　strange　to　me　to　find　my　own　self　materialiter　considered　（so　I　expressed　it；　for　I　doated　on　logical　accuracy　of　distinctions）；　accused；　or　at　least　suspected；　of　counterfeiting　my　own　self　formaliter　considered。　However；　to　satisfy　their　scruples；　I　took　the　only　course　in　my　power。　　Whilst　I　was　in　Wales　I　had　received　various　letters　from　young　friends　these　I　produced；　for　I　carried　them　constantly　in　my　pocket；　being；　indeed；　by　this　time　almost　the　only　relics　of　my　personal　encumbrances　（excepting　the　clothes　I　wore）　which　I　had　not　in　one　way　or　other　disposed　of。　　Most　of　these　letters　were　from　the　Earl　of　…；　who　was　at　that　time　my　chief　（or　rather　only）　confidential　friend。　　These　letters　were　dated　from　Eton。　　I　had　also　some　from　the　Marquis　of　…；　his　father；　who；　though　absorbed　in　agricultural　pursuits；　yet　having　been　an　Etonian　himself；　and　as　good　a　scholar　as　a　nobleman　needs　to　be；　still　retained　an　affection　for　classical　studies　and　for　youthful　scholars。　　He　had　accordingly；　from　the　time　that　I　was　fifteen；　corresponded　with　me；　sometimes　upon　the　great　improvements　which　he　had　made　or　was　meditating　in　the　counties　of　M…　and　Sl…　since　I　had　been　there；　sometimes　upon　the　merits　of　a　Latin　poet；　and　at　other　times　suggesting　subjects　to　me　on　which　he　wished　me　to　write　verses。

On　reading　the　letters；　one　of　my　Jewish　friends　agreed　to　furnish　me　with　two　or　three　hundred　pounds　on　my　personal　security；　provided　I　could　persuade　the　young　Earlwho　was；　by　the　way；　not　older　than　myselfto　guarantee　the　payment　on　our　coming　of　age；　the　Jew's　final　object　being；　as　I　now　suppose；　not　the　trifling　profit　he　could　expect　to　make　by　me；　but　the　prospect　of　establishing　a　connection　with　my　noble　friend；　whose　immense　expectations　were　well　known　to　him。　　In　pursuance　of　this　proposal　on　the　part　of　the　Jew；　about　eight　or　nine　days　after　I　had　received　the　10　pounds；　I　prepared　to　go　down　to　Eton。　　Nearly　3　pounds　of　the　money　I　had　given　to　my　money…lending　friend；　on　his　alleging　that　the　stamps　must　be　bought；　in　order　that　the　writings　might　be　preparing　whilst　I　was　away　from　London。　　I　thought　in　my　heart　that　he　was　lying；　but　I　did　not　wish　to　give　him　any　excuse　for　charging　his　own　delays　upon　me。　　A　smaller　sum　I　had　given　to　my　friend　the　attorney　（who　was　connected　with　the　money…lenders　as　their　lawyer）；　to　which；　indeed；　he　was　entitled　for　his　unfurnished　lodgings。　　About　fifteen　shillings　I　had　employed　in　re…establishing　（though　in　a　very　humble　way）　my　dress。　　Of　the　remainder　I　gave　one　quarter　to　Ann；　meaning　on　my　return　to　have　divided　with　her　whatever　might　remain。　　These　arrangements　made；　soon　after　six　o'clock　on　a　dark　winter　evening　I　set　off；　accompanied　by　Ann；　towards　Piccadilly；　for　it　was　my　intention　to　go　down　as　far　as　Salthill　on　the　Bath　or　Bristol　mail。　　Our　course　l