honorine-第14部分

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some　matter　of　business；　or　be　deceived　by　some　unjust　suspicion。
Alas！　I　might　even　mistake　some　proof　of　love　for　a　sign　of　contempt！

〃　'What　torture　on　both　sides！　Octave　would　be　always　doubting　me；　I
doubting　him。　I；　quite　involuntarily；　should　give　him　a　rival　wholly
unworthy　of　him；　a　man　whom　I　despise；　but　with　whom　I　have　known
raptures　branded　on　me　with　fire；　which　are　my　shame；　but　which　I
cannot　forget。

〃　'Have　I　shown　you　enough　of　my　heart？　No　one；　monsieur；　can　convince
me　that　love　may　be　renewed；　for　I　neither　can　nor　will　accept　love
from　any　one。　A　young　bride　is　like　a　plucked　flower；　but　a　guilty
wife　is　like　a　flower　that　had　been　walked　over。　You；　who　are　a
florist；　you　know　whether　it　is　ever　possible　to　restore　the　broken
stem；　to　revive　the　faded　colors；　to　make　the　sap　flow　again　in　the
tender　vessels　of　which　the　whole　vegetative　function　lies　in　their
perfect　rigidity。　If　some　botanist　should　attempt　the　operation；　could
his　genius　smooth　out　the　folds　of　the　bruised　corolla？　If　he　could
remake　a　flower；　he　would　be　God！　God　alone　can　remake　me！　I　am
drinking　the　bitter　cup　of　expiation；　but　as　I　drink　it　I　painfully
spell　out　this　sentence：　Expiation　is　not　annihilation。

〃　'In　my　little　house；　alone；　I　eat　my　bread　soaked　in　tears；　but　no
one　sees　me　eat　nor　sees　me　weep。　If　I　go　back　to　Octave；　I　must　give
up　my　tearsthey　would　offend　him。　Oh！　monsieur；　how　many　virtues
must　a　woman　tread　under　foot；　not　to　give　herself；　but　to　restore
herself　to　a　betrayed　husband？　Who　could　count　them？　God　alone；　for　He
alone　can　know　and　encourage　the　horrible　refinements　at　which　the
angels　must　turn　pale。　Nay；　I　will　go　further。　A　woman　has　courage　in
the　presence　of　her　husband　if　he　knows　nothing；　she　shows　a　sort　of
fierce　strength　in　her　hypocrisy；　she　deceives　him　to　secure　him
double　happiness。　But　common　knowledge　is　surely　degrading。　Supposing
I　could　exchange　humiliation　for　ecstasy？　Would　not　Octave　at　last
feel　that　my　consent　was　sheer　depravity？　Marriage　is　based　on　esteem；
on　sacrifices　on　both　sides；　but　neither　Octave　nor　I　could　esteem
each　other　the　day　after　our　reunion。　He　would　have　disgraced　me　by　a
love　like　that　of　an　old　man　for　a　courtesan；　and　I　should　for　ever
feel　the　shame　of　being　a　chattel　instead　of　a　lady。　I　should
represent　pleasure；　and　not　virtue；　in　his　house。　These　are　the　bitter
fruits　of　such　a　sin。　I　have　made　myself　a　bed　where　I　can　only　toss
on　burning　coals；　a　sleepless　pillow。

〃　'Here；　when　I　suffer；　I　bless　my　sufferings；　I　say　to　God；　〃I　thank
Thee！〃　But　in　my　husband's　house　I　should　be　full　of　terror；　tasting
joys　to　which　I　have　no　right。

〃　'All　this；　monsieur；　is　not　argument；　it　is　the　feeling　of　a　soul
made　vast　and　hollow　by　seven　years　of　suffering。　Finally；　must　I　make
a　horrible　confession？　I　shall　always　feel　at　my　bosom　the　lips　of　a
child　conceived　in　rapture　and　joy；　and　in　the　belief　in　happiness；　of
a　child　I　nursed　for　seven　months；　that　I　shall　bear　in　my　womb　all
the　days　of　my　life。　If　other　children　should　draw　their　nourishment
from　me；　they　would　drink　in　tears　mingling　with　the　milk；　and　turning
it　sour。　I　seem　a　light　thing；　you　regard　me　as　a　childAh　yes！　I
have　a　child's　memory；　the　memory　which　returns　to　us　on　the　verge　of
the　tomb。　So；　you　see；　there　is　not　a　situation　in　that　beautiful　life
to　which　the　world　and　my　husband's　love　want　to　recall　me；　which　is
not　a　false　position；　which　does　not　cover　a　snare　or　reveal　a
precipice　down　which　I　must　fall；　torn　by　pitiless　rocks。　For　five
years　now　I　have　been　wandering　in　the　sandy　desert　of　the　future
without　finding　a　place　convenient　to　repent　in；　because　my　soul　is
possessed　by　true　repentance。

〃　'Religion　has　its　answers　ready　to　all　this；　and　I　know　them　by
heart。　This　suffering；　these　difficulties；　are　my　punishment；　she
says；　and　God　will　give　me　strength　to　endure　them。　This；　monsieur；　is
an　argument　to　certain　pious　souls　gifted　with　an　energy　which　I　have
not。　I　have　made　my　choice　between　this　hell；　where　God　does　not
forbid　my　blessing　Him；　and　the　hell　that　awaits　me　under　Count
Octave's　roof。

〃　'One　word　more。　If　I　were　still　a　girl；　with　the　experience　I　now
have；　my　husband　is　the　man　I　should　choose；　but　that　is　the　very
reason　of　my　refusal。　I　could　not　bear　to　blush　before　that　man。　What！
I　should　be　always　on　my　knees；　he　always　standing　upright；　and　if　we
were　to　exchange　positions；　I　should　scorn　him！　I　will　not　be　better
treated　by　him　in　consequence　of　my　sin。　The　angel　who　might　venture
under　such　circumstances　on　certain　liberties　which　are　permissible
when　both　are　equally　blameless；　is　not　on　earth；　he　dwells　in　heaven！
Octave　is　full　of　delicate　feeling；　I　know；　but　even　in　his　soul
（which；　however　generous；　is　a　man's　soul　after　all）　there　is　no
guarantee　for　the　new　life　I　should　lead　with　him。

〃　'Come　then；　and　tell　me　where　I　may　find　the　solitude；　the　peace；
the　silence；　so　kindly　to　irreparable　woes；　which　you　promised　me。'

〃After　making　this　copy　of　the　letter　to　preserve　it　complete；　I　went
to　the　Rue　Payenne。　Anxiety　had　conquered　the　power　of　opium。　Octave
was　walking　up　and　down　his　garden　like　a　madman。

〃　'Answer　that！'　said　I；　giving　him　his　wife's　letter。　'Try　to
reassure　the　modesty　of　experience。　It　is　rather　more　difficult　than
conquering　the　modesty　of　ignorance；　which　curiosity　helps　to　betray。'

〃　'She　is　mine！'　cried　the　Count；　whose　face　expressed　joy　as　he　went
on　reading　the　letter。

〃He　signed　to　me　with　his　hand　to　leave　him　to　himself。　I　understood
that　extreme　happiness　and　extreme　pain　obey　the　same　laws；　I　went　in
to　receive　Madame　de　Courteville　and　Amelie；　who　were　to　dine　with　the
Count　that　day。　However　handsome　Mademoiselle　de　Courteville　might　be；
I　felt；　on　seeing　her　once　more；　that　love　has　three　aspects；　and　that
the　women　who　can　inspire　us　with　perfect　love　are　very　rare。　As　I
involuntarily　compared　Amelie　with　Honorine；　I　found　the　erring　wife
more　attractive　than　the　pure　girl。　To　Honorine's　heart　fidelity　had
not　been　a　duty；　but　the　inevitable；　while　Amelie　would　serenely
pronounce　the　most　solemn　promises　without　knowing　their　purport　or　to
what　they　bound　her。　The　crushed；　the　dead　woman；　so　to　speak；　the
sinner　to　be　reinstated；　seemed　to　me　sublime；　she　incited　the　special
generosities　of　a　man's　nature；　she　demanded　all　the　treasures　of　the
heart；　all　the　resources　of　strength；　she　filled　his　life　and　gave　the
zest　of　a　conflict　to　happiness；　whereas　Amelie；　chaste　and　confiding；
would　settle　down　into　the　sphere　of　peaceful　motherhood；　where　the
commonplace　must　be　its　poetry；　and　where　my　mind　would　find　no
struggle　and　no　victory。

〃Of　the　plains　of　Champagne　and　the　snowy；　storm…beaten　but　sublime
Alps；　what　young　man　would　choose　the　chalky；　monotonous　level？　No；
such　comparisons　are　fatal　and　wrong　on　the　threshold　of　the　Mairie。
Alas！　only　the　experience　of　life　can　teach　us　that　marriage　excludes
passion；　that　a　family　cannot　have　its　foundation　on　the　tempests　of
love。　After　having　dreamed　of　impossible　love；　with　its　infinite
caprices；　after　having　tasted　the　tormenting　delights　of　the　ideal；　I
saw　before　me　modest　reality。　Pity　me；　for　what　could　be　expected！　At
five…and…twenty　I　did　not　trust　myself；　but　I　took　a　manful
resolution。

〃I　went　back　to　the　Count　to　announce　the　arrival　of　his　relations；
and　I　saw　him　grown　young　again　in　the　reflected　light　of　hope。

〃　'What　ails　you；　Maurice？'　said　he；　struck　by　my　changed　expression。

〃　'Monsieur　le　Comte'

〃　'No　longer　Octave？　You；　to　whom　I　shall　owe　my　life；　my
happiness'

〃　'My　dear　Octave；　if　you　should　succeed　in　bringing　the　Countess　back
to　her　duty；　I　have　studied　her　well'（he　looked　at　me　as　Othello
must　have　looked　at　Iago　when　Iago　first　contrived　to　insinuate　a
suspicion　into　the　Moor's　mind）'she　must　never　see　me　again；　she
must　never　know　that　Maurice　was　your　secretary。　Never　mention　my　name
to　her；　or　all　will　be　undone。　。　。　。　You　have　got　me　an　appointment　as
Maitre　des　Requeteswell；　get　me　instead　some　diplomatic　post　abroad；
a　consulship；　and　do　not　think　of　my　marrying　Amelie。Oh！　do　not　be
uneasy；'　I　added；　seeing　him　draw　himself　up；　'I　will　play　my　part　to
the　end。'

〃　'Poor　boy！'　said　he；　taking　my　hand；　which　he　pressed；　while　he　kept
back　the　tears　that　were　starting　to　his　eyes。

〃　'You　gave　me　the　gloves；'　I　said；　laughing；　'but　I　have　not　put　them
on；　that　is　all。'

〃We　then　agreed　as　to　what　I　was　to　do　that　evening　at　Honorine's
house；　whither　I　presently　returned。　It　was　now　August；　the　day　had
been　hot　and　stormy；　but　the　storm　hung　overhead；　the　sky　was　like
copper；　the　scent　of　the　flowers　was　heavy；　I　felt　as　if　I　were　in　an
oven；　and　caught　myself　wishing　that　the　Countess　might　have　set　out
for　the　Indies；　but　she　was　sitting　on　a　wooden　bench　shaped　like　a
sofa；　under　an　arbor；　in　a　loose　dress　of　white　muslin　fastened　with
blue　bows；　her　hair　unadorned　in　waving　bands　over　her　cheeks；　her
feet　on　a　small　wooden　stool；　and　showing　a　little　way　beyond　her
skirt。　She　did　not　rise；　she　showed　me　with　her　hand　to　the　seat　by
her　side；　saying：

〃　'Now；　is　not　life　at　a　deadlock　for　me？'

〃　'Life　as　you　have　made　it；　I　replied。　'But　not　the　life　I　propose　to
make　for　you；　for；　if　you　choose；　you　may　be　very　happy。　。　。　。'

〃　'How？'　said　she；　her　whole　person　was　a　question。

〃　'Your　letter　is　in　the　Count's　hands。'

〃Honorine　started　like　a　frightened　doe；　sprang　to　a　few　paces　off；
walked　down　the　garden；　turned　about；　remained　standing　for　some
minutes；　and　finally　went　in　to　sit　alone　in　the　drawing…room；　where　I
joined　her；　after　giving　her　time　to　get　accustomed　to　the　pain　of
this　poniard　thrust。

〃　'Youa　friend？　Say　rather　a　traitor！　A　spy；　perhaps；　sent　by　my
husband。'

〃Instinct　in　women　is　as　strong　as　the　perspicacity　of　great　men。

〃　'You　wanted　an　answer　to　your　letter；　did　you　not？　And　there　was　but
one　man　in　the　world　who　could　write　it。　You　must　read　the　reply；　my
dear　Countess；　and　if　after　reading　it　you　still　find　that　your　life
is　a　deadlock；　the　spy　will　prove　himself　a　friend；　I　will　place　you
in　a　convent