honorine-第7部分

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fashion；　and　I　regarded　it　as　one　of　my　duties　to　instruct　her。

〃　'I　recognized　afterwards　that　marriages　contracted　under　such
circumstances　as　ours　bear　in　themselves　a　rock　against　which　many
affections　are　wrecked；　many　prudent　calculations；　many　lives。　The
husband　becomes　a　pedagogue；　or；　if　you　like；　a　professor；　and　love
perishes　under　the　rod　which；　sooner　or　later；　gives　pain；　for　a　young
and　handsome　wife；　at　once　discreet　and　laughter…loving；　will　not
accept　any　superiority　above　that　with　which　she　is　endowed　by　nature。
Perhaps　I　was　in　the　wrong？　During　the　difficult　beginnings　of　a
household　I；　perhaps；　assumed　a　magisterial　tone？　On　the　other　hand；　I
may　have　made　the　mistake　of　trusting　too　entirely　to　that　artless
nature；　I　kept　no　watch　over　the　Countess；　in　whom　revolt　seemed　to　me
impossible？　Alas！　neither　in　politics　nor　in　domestic　life　has　it　yet
been　ascertained　whether　empires　and　happiness　are　wrecked　by　too　much
confidence　or　too　much　severity！　Perhaps　again；　the　husband　failed　to
realize　Honorine's　girlish　dreams？　Who　can　tell；　while　happy　days
last；　what　precepts　he　has　neglected？'

〃I　remember　only　the　broad　outlines　of　the　reproaches　the　Count
addressed　to　himself；　with　all　the　good　faith　of　an　anatomist　seeking
the　cause　of　a　disease　which　might　be　overlooked　by　his　brethren；　but
his　merciful　indulgence　struck　me　then　as　really　worthy　of　that　of
Jesus　Christ　when　He　rescued　the　woman　taken　in　adultery。

〃　'It　was　eighteen　months　after　my　father's　deathmy　mother　followed
him　to　the　tomb　in　a　few　monthswhen　the　fearful　night　came　which
surprised　me　by　Honorine's　farewell　letter。　What　poetic　delusion　had
seduced　my　wife？　Was　it　through　her　senses？　Was　it　the　magnetism　of
misfortune　or　of　genius？　Which　of　these　powers　had　taken　her　by　storm
or　misled　her？I　would　not　know。　The　blow　was　so　terrible；　that　for　a
month　I　remained　stunned。　Afterwards；　reflection　counseled　me　to
continue　in　ignorance；　and　Honorine's　misfortunes　have　since　taught　me
too　much　about　all　these　things。So　far；　Maurice；　the　story　is
commonplace　enough；　but　one　word　will　change　it　all：　I　love　Honorine；
I　have　never　ceased　to　worship　her。　From　the　day　when　she　left　me　I
have　lived　on　memory；　one　by　one　I　recall　the　pleasures　for　which
Honorine　no　doubt　had　no　taste。

〃　'Oh！'　said　he；　seeing　the　amazement　in　my　eyes；　'do　not　make　a　hero
of　me；　do　not　think　me　such　a　fool；　as　the　Colonel　of　the　Empire　would
say；　as　to　have　sought　no　diversion。　Alas；　my　boy！　I　was　either　too
young　or　too　much　in　love；　I　have　not　in　the　whole　world　met　with
another　woman。　After　frightful　struggles　with　myself；　I　tried　to
forget；　money　in　hand；　I　stood　on　the　very　threshold　of　infidelity；
but　there　the　memory　of　Honorine　rose　before　me　like　a　white　statue。
As　I　recalled　the　infinite　delicacy　of　that　exquisite　skin；　through
which　the　blood　might　be　seen　coursing　and　the　nerves　quivering；　as　I
saw　in　fancy　that　ingenuous　face；　as　guileless　on　the　eve　of　my
sorrows　as　on　the　day　when　I　said　to　her；　〃Shall　we　marry？〃　as　I
remembered　a　heavenly　fragrance；　the　very　odor　of　virtue；　and　the
light　in　her　eyes；　the　prettiness　of　her　movements；　I　fled　like　a　man
preparing　to　violate　a　tomb；　who　sees　emerging　from　it　the
transfigured　soul　of　the　dead。　At　consultations；　in　Court；　by　night；　I
dream　so　incessantly　of　Honorine　that　only　by　excessive　strength　of
mind　do　I　succeed　in　attending　to　what　I　am　doing　and　saying。　This　is
the　secret　of　my　labors。

〃　'Well；　I　felt　no　more　anger　with　her　than　a　father　can　feel　on
seeing　his　beloved　child　in　some　danger　it　has　imprudently　rushed
into。　I　understood　that　I　had　made　a　poem　of　my　wifea　poem　I
delighted　in　with　such　intoxication；　that　I　fancied　she　shared　the
intoxication。　Ah！　Maurice；　an　indiscriminating　passion　in　a　husband　is
a　mistake　that　may　lead　to　any　crime　in　a　wife。　I　had　no　doubt　left
all　the　faculties　of　this　child；　loved　as　a　child；　entirely
unemployed；　I　had　perhaps　wearied　her　with　my　love　before　the　hour　of
loving　had　struck　for　her！　Too　young　to　understand　that　in　the
constancy　of　the　wife　lies　the　germ　of　the　mother's　devotion；　she
mistook　this　first　test　of　marriage　for　life　itself；　and　the
refractory　child　cursed　life；　unknown　to　me；　nor　daring　to　complain　to
me；　out　of　sheer　modesty　perhaps！　In　so　cruel　a　position　she　would　be
defenceless　against　any　man　who　stirred　her　deeply。And　I；　so　wise　a
judge　as　they　sayI；　who　have　a　kind　heart；　but　whose　mind　was
absorbedI　understood　too　late　these　unwritten　laws　of　the　woman's
code；　I　read　them　by　the　light　of　the　fire　that　wrecked　my　roof。　Then
I　constituted　my　heart　a　tribunal　by　virtue　of　the　law；　for　the　law
makes　the　husband　a　judge：　I　acquitted　my　wife；　and　I　condemned
myself。　But　love　took　possession　of　me　as　a　passion；　the　mean；
despotic　passion　which　comes　over　some　old　men。　At　this　day　I　love　the
absent　Honorine　as　a　man　of　sixty　loves　a　woman　whom　he　must　possess
at　any　cost；　and　yet　I　feel　the　strength　of　a　young　man。　I　have　the
insolence　of　the　old　man　and　the　reserve　of　a　boy。My　dear　fellow；
society　only　laughs　at　such　a　desperate　conjugal　predicament。　Where　it
pities　a　lover；　it　regards　a　husband　as　ridiculously　inept；　it　makes
sport　of　those　who　cannot　keep　the　woman　they　have　secured　under　the
canopy　of　the　Church；　and　before　the　Maire's　scarf　of　office。　And　I
had　to　keep　silence。

〃　'Serizy　is　happy。　His　indulgence　allows　him　to　see　his　wife；　he　can
protect　and　defend　her；　and；　as　he　adores　her；　he　knows　all　the
perfect　joys　of　a　benefactor　whom　nothing　can　disturb；　not　even
ridicule；　for　he　pours　it　himself　on　his　fatherly　pleasures。　〃I　remain
married　only　for　my　wife's　sake；〃　he　said　to　me　one　day　on　coming　out
of　court。

〃　'But　II　have　nothing；　I　have　not　even　to　face　ridicule；　I　who　live
solely　on　a　love　which　is　starving！　I　who　can　never　find　a　word　to　say
to　a　woman　of　the　world！　I　who　loathe　prostitution！　I　who　am　faithful
under　a　spell！But　for　my　religious　faith；　I　should　have　killed
myself。　I　have　defied　the　gulf　of　hard　work；　I　have　thrown　myself　into
it；　and　come　out　again　alive；　fevered；　burning；　bereft　of　sleep！'

〃I　cannot　remember　all　the　words　of　this　eloquent　man；　to　whom　passion
gave　an　eloquence　indeed　so　far　above　that　of　the　pleader　that；　as　I
listened　to　him；　I；　like　him；　felt　my　cheeks　wet　with　tears。　You　may
conceive　of　my　feelings　when；　after　a　pause；　during　which　we　dried
them　away；　he　finished　his　story　with　this　revelation：

〃　'This　is　the　drama　of　my　soul；　but　it　is　not　the　actual　living　drama
which　is　at　this　moment　being　acted　in　Paris！　The　interior　drama
interests　nobody。　I　know　it；　and　you　will　one　day　admit　that　it　is　so；
you；　who　at　this　moment　shed　tears　with　me；　no　one　can　burden　his
heart　or　his　skin　with　another's　pain。　The　measure　of　our　sufferings
is　in　ourselves。You　even　understand　my　sorrows　only　by　very　vague
analogy。　Could　you　see　me　calming　the　most　violent　frenzy　of　despair
by　the　contemplation　of　a　miniature　in　which　I　can　see　and　kiss　her
brow；　the　smile　on　her　lips；　the　shape　of　her　face；　can　breathe　the
whiteness　of　her　skin；　which　enables　me　almost　to　feel；　to　play　with
the　black　masses　of　her　curling　hair？Could　you　see　me　when　I　leap
with　hopewhen　I　writhe　under　the　myriad　darts　of　despairwhen　I
tramp　through　the　mire　of　Paris　to　quell　my　irritation　by　fatigue？　I
have　fits　of　collapse　comparable　to　those　of　a　consumptive　patient；
moods　of　wild　hilarity；　terrors　as　of　a　murderer　who　meets　a　sergeant
of　police。　In　short；　my　life　is　a　continual　paroxysm　of　fears；　joy；
and　dejection。

〃　'As　to　the　dramait　is　this。　You　imagine　that　I　am　occupied　with
the　Council　of　State；　the　Chamber；　the　Courts；　Politics。Why；　dear
me；　seven　hours　at　night　are　enough　for　all　that；　so　much　are　my
faculties　overwrought　by　the　life　I　lead！　Honorine　is　my　real　concern。
To　recover　my　wife　is　my　only　study；　to　guard　her　in　her　cage；　without
her　suspecting　that　she　is　in　my　power；　to　satisfy　her　needs；　to
supply　the　little　pleasure　she　allows　herself；　to　be　always　about　her
like　a　sylph　without　allowing　her　to　see　or　to　suspect　me；　for　if　she
did；　the　future　would　be　lost；that　is　my　life；　my　true　life。For
seven　years　I　have　never　gone　to　bed　without　going　first　to　see　the
light　of　her　night…lamp；　or　her　shadow　on　the　window　curtains。

〃　'She　left　my　house；　choosing　to　take　nothing　but　the　dress　she　wore
that　day。　The　child　carried　her　magnanimity　to　the　point　of　folly！
Consequently；　eighteen　months　after　her　flight　she　was　deserted　by　her
lover；　who　was　appalled　by　the　cold；　cruel；　sinister；　and　revolting
aspect　of　povertythe　coward！　The　man　had；　no　doubt；　counted　on　the
easy　and　luxurious　life　in　Switzerland　or　Italy　which　fine　ladies
indulge　in　when　they　leave　their　husbands。　Honorine　has　sixty　thousand
francs　a　year　of　her　own。　The　wretch　left　the　dear　creature　expecting
an　infant；　and　without　a　penny。　In　the　month　of　November　1820　I　found
means　to　persuade　the　best　/accoucheur/　in　Paris　to　play　the　part　of　a
humble　suburban　apothecary。　I　induced　the　priest　of　the　parish　in
which　the　Countess　was　living　to　supply　her　needs　as　though　he　were
performing　an　act　of　charity。　Then　to　hide　my　wife；　to　secure　her
against　discovery；　to　find　her　a　housekeeper　who　would　be　devoted　to
me　and　be　my　intelligent　confidanteit　was　a　task　worthy　of　Figaro！
You　may　suppose　that　to　discover　where　my　wife　had　taken　refuge　I　had
only　to　make　up　my　mind　to　it。

〃　'After　three　months　of　desperation　rather　than　despair；　the　idea　of
devoting　myself　to　Honorine　with　God　only　in　my　secret；　was　one　of
those　poems　which　occur　only　to　the　heart　of　a　lover　through　life　and
death！　Love　must　have　its　daily　food。　And　ought　I　not　to　protect　this
child；　whose　guilt　was　the　outcome　of　my　imprudence；　against　fresh
disasterto　fulfil　my　part；　in　short；　as　a　guardian　angel？At　the
age　of　seven　months　her　infant　died；　happily　for　her　and　for　me。　For
nine　months　more　my　wife　lay　between　life　and　death；　deserted　at　the
time　when　she　most　needed　a　manly　arm；　but　this　arm；'　said　he；　holding
out　his　own　with　a　gesture　of　angelic　dignity；　'was　extended　over　her
head。　Honorine　was　nursed　as　she　would　have　been　in