the gentle grafter-第21部分

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ransom　of　ten　thousand　dollars。〃

〃Illegality；〃　says　I；　shaking　my　head。

〃I　knew　you'd　say　that；〃　says　Caligula。　〃At　first　sight　it　does　seem
to　jar　peace　and　dignity。　But　it　don't。　I　got　the　idea　out　of　that
newspaper。　Would　you　commit　aspersions　on　a　equitable　graft　that　the
United　States　itself　has　condoned　and　indorsed　and　ratified？〃

〃Kidnapping；〃　says　I；　〃is　an　immoral　function　in　the　derogatory　list
of　the　statutes。　If　the　United　States　upholds　it；　it　must　be　a　recent
enactment　of　ethics；　along　with　race　suicide　and　rural　delivery。〃

〃Listen；〃　says　Caligula；　〃and　I'll　explain　the　case　set　down　in　the
papers。　Here　was　a　Greek　citizen　named　Burdick　Harris；〃　says　he；
〃captured　for　a　graft　by　Africans；　and　the　United　States　sends　two
gunboats　to　the　State　of　Tangiers　and　makes　the　King　of　Morocco　give
up　seventy　thousand　dollars　to　Raisuli。〃

〃Go　slow；〃　says　I。　〃That　sounds　too　international　to　take　in　all　at
once。　It's　like　'thimble；　thimble；　who's　got　the　naturalization
papers？'〃

〃'Twas　press　despatches　from　Constantinople；〃　says　Caligula。　〃You'll
see；　six　months　from　now。　They'll　be　confirmed　by　the　monthly
magazines；　and　then　it　won't　be　long　till　you'll　notice　'em　alongside
the　photos　of　the　Mount　Pelee　eruption　photos　in　the　while…you…get…
your…hair…cut　weeklies。　It's　all　right；　Pick。　This　African　man　Raisuli
hides　Burdick　Harris　up　in　the　mountains；　and　advertises　his　price　to
the　governments　of　different　nations。　Now；　you　wouldn't　think　for　a
minute；〃　goes　on　Caligula；　〃that　John　Hay　would　have　chipped　in　and
helped　this　graft　along　if　it　wasn't　a　square　game；　would　you？〃

〃Why；　no；〃　says　I。　〃I've　always　stood　right　in　with　Bryan's　policies；
and　I　couldn't　consciously　say　a　word　against　the　Republican
administration　just　now。　But　if　Harris　was　a　Greek；　on　what　system　of
international　protocols　did　Hay　interfere？〃

〃It　ain't　exactly　set　forth　in　the　papers；〃　says　Caligula。　〃I　suppose
it's　a　matter　of　sentiment。　You　know　he　wrote　this　poem；　'Little
Breeches'；　and　them　Greeks　wear　little　or　none。　But　anyhow；　John　Hay
sends　the　Brooklyn　and　the　Olympia　over；　and　they　cover　Africa　with
thirty…inch　guns。　And　then　Hay　cables　after　the　health　of　the　/persona
grata/。　'And　how　are　they　this　morning？'　he　wires。　'Is　Burdick　Harris
alive　yet；　or　Mr。　Raisuli　dead？'　And　the　King　of　Morocco　sends　up　the
seventy　thousand　dollars；　and　they　turn　Burdick　Harris　loose。　And
there's　not　half　the　hard　feelings　among　the　nations　about　this　little
kidnapping　matter　as　there　was　about　the　peace　congress。　And　Burdick
Harris　says　to　the　reporters；　in　the　Greek　language；　that　he's　often
heard　about　the　United　States；　and　he　admires　Roosevelt　next　to
Raisuli；　who　is　one　of　the　whitest　and　most　gentlemanly　kidnappers
that　he　ever　worked　alongside　of。　So　you　see；　Pick；〃　winds　up
Caligula；　〃we've　got　the　law　of　nations　on　our　side。　We'll　cut　this
colonel　man　out　of　the　herd；　and　corral　him　in　them　little　mountains；
and　stick　up　his　heirs　and　assigns　for　ten　thousand　dollars。〃

〃Well；　you　seldom　little　red…headed　territorial　terror；〃　I　answers；
〃you　can't　bluff　your　uncle　Tecumseh　Pickens！　I'll　be　your　company　in
this　graft。　But　I　misdoubt　if　you've　absorbed　the　inwardness　of　this
Burdick　Harris　case；　Calig；　and　if　on　any　morning　we　get　a　telegram
from　the　Secretary　of　State　asking　about　the　health　of　the　scheme；　I
propose　to　acquire　the　most　propinquitous　and　celeritous　mule　in　this
section　and　gallop　diplomatically　over　into　the　neighboring　and
peaceful　nation　of　Alabama。〃


III

Me　and　Caligula　spent　the　next　three　days　investigating　the　bunch　of
mountains　into　which　we　proposed　to　kidnap　Colonel　Jackson　T。
Rockingham。　We　finally　selected　an　upright　slice　of　topography　covered
with　bushes　and　trees　that　you　could　only　reach　by　a　secret　path　that
we　cut　out　up　the　side　of　it。　And　the　only　way　to　reach　the　mountain
was　to　follow　up　the　bend　of　a　branch　that　wound　among　the　elevations。

Then　I　took　in　hand　an　important　subdivision　of　the　proceedings。　I
went　up　to　Atlanta　on　the　train　and　laid　in　a　two…hundred…and…fifty…
dollar　supply　of　the　most　gratifying　and　efficient　lines　of　grub　that
money　could　buy。　I　always　was　an　admirer　of　viands　in　their　more
palliative　and　revised　stages。　Hog　and　hominy　are　not　only　inartistic
to　my　stomach；　but　they　give　indigestion　to　my　moral　sentiments。　And　I
thought　of　Colonel　Jackson　T。　Rockingham；　president　of　the　Sunrise　&
Edenville　Tap　Railroad；　and　how　he　would　miss　the　luxury　of　his　home
fare　as　is　so　famous　among　wealthy　Southerners。　So　I　sunk　half　of　mine
and　Caligula's　capital　in　as　elegant　a　layout　of　fresh　and　canned
provisions　as　Burdick　Harris　or　any　other　professional　kidnappee　ever
saw　in　a　camp。

I　put　another　hundred　in　a　couple　of　cases　of　Bordeaux；　two　quarts　of
cognac；　two　hundred　Havana　regalias　with　gold　bands；　and　a　camp　stove
and　stools　and　folding　cots。　I　wanted　Colonel　Rockingham　to　be
comfortable；　and　I　hoped　after　he　gave　up　the　ten　thousand　dollars　he
would　give　me　and　Caligula　as　good　a　name　for　gentlemen　and
entertainers　as　the　Greek　man　did　the　friend　of　his　that　made　the
United　States　his　bill　collector　against　Africa。

When　the　goods　came　down　from　Atlanta；　we　hired　a　wagon；　moved　them　up
on　the　little　mountain；　and　established　camp。　And　then　we　laid　for　the
colonel。

We　caught　him　one　morning　about　two　miles　out　from　Mountain　Valley；　on
his　way　to　look　after　some　of　his　burnt　umber　farm　land。　He　was　an
elegant　old　gentleman；　as　thin　and　tall　as　a　trout　rod；　with　frazzled
shirt…cuffs　and　specs　on　a　black　string。　We　explained　to　him；　brief
and　easy；　what　we　wanted；　and　Caligula　showed　him；　careless；　the
handle　of　his　forty…five　under　his　coat。

〃What？〃　says　Colonel　Rockingham。　〃Bandits　in　Perry　County；　Georgia！　I
shall　see　that　the　board　of　immigration　and　public　improvements　hears
of　this！〃

〃Be　so　unfoolhardy　as　to　climb　into　that　buggy；〃　says　Caligula；　〃by
order　of　the　board　of　perforation　and　public　depravity。　This　is　a
business　meeting；　and　we're　anxious　to　adjourn　/sine　qua　non/。〃

We　drove　Colonel　Rockingham　over　the　mountain　and　up　the　side　of　it　as
far　as　the　buggy　could　go。　Then　we　tied　the　horse；　and　took　our
prisoner　on　foot　up　to　the　camp。

〃Now；　colonel；〃　I　says　to　him；　〃we're　after　the　ransom；　me　and　my
partner；　and　no　harm　will　come　to　you　if　the　King　of　Morif　your
friends　send　up　the　dust。　In　the　mean　time　we　are　gentlemen　the　same
as　you。　And　if　you　give　us　your　word　not　to　try　to　escape；　the　freedom
of　the　camp　is　yours。〃

〃I　give　you　my　word；〃　says　the　colonel。

〃All　right；〃　says　I；　〃and　now　it's　eleven　o'clock；　and　me　and　Mr。　Polk
will　proceed　to　inculcate　the　occasion　with　a　few　well…timed
trivialities　in　the　way　of　grub。〃

〃Thank　you；〃　says　the　colonel；　〃I　believe　I　could　relish　a　slice　of
bacon　and　a　plate　of　hominy。〃

〃But　you　won't；〃　says　I　emphatic。　〃Not　in　this　camp。　We　soar　in　higher
regions　than　them　occupied　by　your　celebrated　but　repulsive　dish。〃

While　the　colonel　read　his　paper；　me　and　Caligula　took　off　our　coats
and　went　in　for　a　little　luncheon　/de　luxe/　just　to　show　him。　Caligula
was　a　fine　cook　of　the　Western　brand。　He　could　toast　a　buffalo　or
fricassee　a　couple　of　steers　as　easy　as　a　woman　could　make　a　cup　of
tea。　He　was　gifted　in　the　way　of　knocking　together　edibles　when　haste
and　muscle　and　quantity　was　to　be　considered。　He　held　the　record　west
of　the　Arkansas　River　for　frying　pancakes　with　his　left　hand；　broiling
venison　cutlets　with　his　right；　and　skinning　a　rabbit　with　his　teeth
at　the　same　time。　But　I　could　do　things　/en　casserole/　and　/a　la
creole/；　and　handle　the　oil　and　tobasco　as　gently　and　nicely　as　a
French　/chef/。

So　at　twelve　o'clock　we　had　a　hot　lunch　ready　that　looked　like　a
banquet　on　a　Mississippi　River　steamboat。　We　spread　it　on　the　tops　of
two　or　three　big　boxes；　opened　two　quarts　of　the　red　wine；　set　the
olives　and　a　canned　oyster　cocktail　and　a　ready…made　Martini　by　the
colonel's　plate；　and　called　him　to　grub。

Colonel　Rockingham　drew　up　his　campstool；　wiped　off　his　specs；　and
looked　at　the　things　on　the　table。　Then　I　thought　he　was　swearing；　and
I　felt　mean　because　I　hadn't　taken　more　pains　with　the　victuals。　But
he　wasn't；　he　was　asking　a　blessing；　and　me　and　Caligula　hung　our
heads；　and　I　saw　a　tear　drop　from　the　colonel's　eye　into　his　cocktail。

I　never　saw　a　man　eat　with　so　much　earnestness　and　applicationnot
hastily；　like　a　grammarian；　or　one　of　the　canal；　but　slow　and
appreciative；　like　a　anaconda；　or　a　real　/vive　bonjour/。

In　an　hour　and　a　half　the　colonel　leaned　back。　I　brought　him　a　pony　of
brandy　and　his　black　coffee；　and　set　the　box　of　Havana　regalias　on　the
table。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　he；　blowing　out　the　smoke　and　trying　to　breathe　it
back　again；　〃when　we　view　the　eternal　hills　and　the　smiling　and
beneficent　landscape；　and　reflect　upon　the　goodness　of　the　Creator
who〃

〃Excuse　me；　colonel；〃　says　I；　〃but　there's　some　business　to　attend　to
now〃；　and　I　brought　out　paper　and　pen　and　ink　and　laid　'em　before　him。
〃Who　do　you　want　to　send　to　for　the　money？〃　I　asks。

〃I　reckon；〃　says　he；　after　thinking　a　bit；　〃to　the　vice…president　of
our　railroad；　at　the　general　offices　of　the　Company　in　Edenville。〃

〃How　far　is　it　to　Edenville　from　here？〃　I　asked。

〃About　ten　miles；〃　says　he。

Then　I　dictated　these　lines；　and　Colonel　Rockingham　wrote　them　out：

　　I　am　kidnapped　and　held　a　prisoner　by　two　desperate　outlaws　in　a
　　place　which　is　useless　to　attempt　to　find。　They　demand　ten
　　thousand　dollars　at　once　for　my　release。　The　amount　must　be　raised
　　immediately；　and　these　directions　followed。　Come　alone　with　the
　　money　to　Stony　Creek；　which　runs　out　of　Blacktop　Mountains。　Follow
　　the　bed　of　the　creek　till　you　come　to　a　big　flat　rock　on　the　left
　　bank；　on　which　is　marked　a　cross　in　red　chalk。　Stand　on　the　rock
　　and　wave　a　white　flag。　A　guide　will　come　to　you　and　conduct　you　to
　　where　I　am　held。　Lose　no　time。

After　the　colonel　had　finished　this；　he　asked　permission　to　take　on　a
postscript　about　how　he　was　being　treated；　so　the　railroad　wouldn't
feel　uneasy　in　its　bosom　about　him。　We　agreed　to　that。　He　wrote　down
that　he　had　just　had　lunch　wit