the gentle grafter-第22部分

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feel　uneasy　in　its　bosom　about　him。　We　agreed　to　that。　He　wrote　down
that　he　had　just　had　lunch　with　the　two　desperate　ruffians；　and　then
he　set　down　the　whole　bill　of　fare；　from　cocktails　to　coffee。　He　wound
up　with　the　remark　that　dinner　would　be　ready　about　six；　and　would
probably　be　a　more　licentious　and　intemperate　affair　than　lunch。

Me　and　Caligula　read　it；　and　decided　to　let　it　go；　for　we；　being
cooks；　were　amenable　to　praise；　though　it　sounded　out　of　place　on　a
sight　draft　for　ten　thousand　dollars。

I　took　the　letter　over　to　the　Mountain　Valley　road　and　watched　for　a
messenger。　By　and　by　a　colored　equestrian　came　along　on　horseback；
riding　toward　Edenville。　I　gave　him　a　dollar　to　take　the　letter　to　the
railroad　offices；　and　then　I　went　back　to　camp。


IV

About　four　o'clock　in　the　afternoon；　Caligula；　who　was　acting　as
lookout；　calls　to　me：

〃I　have　to　report　a　white　shirt　signalling　on　the　starboard　bow；　sir。〃

I　went　down　the　mountain　and　brought　back　a　fat；　red　man　in　an　alpaca
coat　and　no　collar。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　Colonel　Rockingham；　〃allow　me　to　introduce　my
brother；　Captain　Duval　C。　Rockingham；　vice…president　of　the　Sunrise　&
Edenville　Tap　Railroad。〃

〃Otherwise　the　King　of　Morocco；〃　says　I。　〃I　reckon　you　don't　mind　my
counting　the　ransom；　just　as　a　business　formality。〃

〃Well；　no；　not　exactly；〃　says　the　fat　man；　〃not　when　it　comes。　I
turned　that　matter　over　to　our　second　vice…president。　I　was　anxious
after　Brother　Jackson's　safetiness。　I　reckon　he'll　be　along　right
soon。　What　does　that　lobster　salad　you　mentioned　taste　like；　Brother
Jackson？〃

〃Mr。　Vice…President；〃　says　I；　〃you'll　oblige　us　by　remaining　here　till
the　second　V。P。　arrives。　This　is　a　private　rehearsal；　and　we　don't
want　any　roadside　speculators　selling　tickets。〃

In　half　an　hour　Caligula　sings　out　again：

〃Sail　ho！　Looks　like　an　apron　on　a　broomstick。〃

I　perambulated　down　the　cliff　again；　and　escorted　up　a　man　six　foot
three；　with　a　sandy　beard　and　no　other　dimension　that　you　could
notice。　Thinks　I　to　myself；　if　he's　got　ten　thousand　dollars　on　his
person　it's　in　one　bill　and　folded　lengthwise。

〃Mr。　Patterson　G。　Coble；　our　second　vice…president；〃　announces　the
colonel。

〃Glad　to　know　you；　gentlemen；〃　says　this　Coble。　〃I　came　up　to
disseminate　the　tidings　that　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker；　our　general
passenger　agent；　is　now　negotiating　a　peachcrate　full　of　our　railroad
bonds　with　the　Perry　County　Bank　for　a　loan。　My　dear　Colonel
Rockingham；　was　that　chicken　gumbo　or　cracked　goobers　on　the　bill　of
fare　in　your　note？　Me　and　the　conductor　of　fifty…six　was　having　a
dispute　about　it。〃

〃Another　white　wings　on　the　rocks！〃　hollers　Caligula。　〃If　I　see　any
more　I'll　fire　on　'em　and　swear　they　was　torpedo…boats！〃

The　guide　goes　down　again；　and　convoys　into　the　lair　a　person　in　blue
overalls　carrying　an　amount　of　inebriety　and　a　lantern。　I　am　so　sure
that　this　is　Major　Tucker　that　I　don't　even　ask　him　until　we　are　up
above；　and　then　I　discover　that　it　is　Uncle　Timothy；　the　yard
switchman　at　Edenville；　who　is　sent　ahead　to　flag　our　understandings
with　the　gossip　that　Judge　Pendergast；　the　railroad's　attorney；　is　in
the　process　of　mortgaging　Colonel　Rockingham's　farming　lands　to　make
up　the　ransom。

While　he　is　talking；　two　men　crawl　from　under　the　bushes　into　camp；
and　Caligula；　with　no　white　flag　to　disinter　him　from　his　plain　duty；
draws　his　gun。　But　again　Colonel　Rockingham　intervenes　and　introduces
Mr。　Jones　and　Mr。　Batts；　engineer　and　fireman　of　train　number　forty…
two。

〃Excuse　us；〃　says　Batts；　〃but　me　and　Jim　have　hunted　squirrels　all
over　this　mounting；　and　we　don't　need　no　white　flag。　Was　that
straight；　colonel；　about　the　plum　pudding　and　pineapples　and　real
store　cigars？〃

〃Towel　on　a　fishing…pole　in　the　offing！〃　howls　Caligula。　〃Suppose　it's
the　firing　line　of　the　freight　conductors　and　brakeman。〃

〃My　last　trip　down；〃　says　I；　wiping　off　my　face。　〃If　the　S。　&　E。T。
wants　to　run　an　excursion　up　here　just　because　we　kidnapped　their
president；　let　'em。　We'll　put　out　our　sign。　'The　Kidnapper's　Cafe　and
Trainmen's　Home。'〃

This　time　I　caught　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker　by　his　own　confession；　and
I　felt　easier。　I　asked　him　into　the　creek；　so　I　could　drown　him　if　he
happened　to　be　a　track…walker　or　caboose　porter。　All　the　way　up　the
mountain　he　driveled　to　me　about　asparagus　on　toast；　a　thing　that　his
intelligence　in　life　had　skipped。

Up　above　I　got　his　mind　segregated　from　food　and　asked　if　he　had
raised　the　ransom。

〃My　dear　sir；〃　says　he；　〃I　succeeded　in　negotiating　a　loan　on　thirty
thousand　dollars'　worth　of　the　bonds　of　our　railroad；　and〃

〃Never　mind　just　now；　major；〃　says　I。　〃It's　all　right；　then。　Wait　till
after　dinner；　and　we'll　settle　the　business。　All　of　you　gentlemen；〃　I
continues　to　the　crowd；　〃are　invited　to　stay　to　dinner。　We　have
mutually　trusted　one　another；　and　the　white　flag　is　supposed　to　wave
over　the　proceedings。〃

〃The　correct　idea；〃　says　Caligula；　who　was　standing　by　me。　〃Two
baggage…masters　and　a　ticket…agent　dropped　out　of　a　tree　while　you　was
below　the　last　time。　Did　the　major　man　bring　the　money？〃

〃He　says；〃　I　answered；　〃that　he　succeeded　in　negotiating　the　loan。〃

If　any　cooks　ever　earned　ten　thousand　dollars　in　twelve　hours；　me　and
Caligula　did　that　day。　At　six　o'clock　we　spread　the　top　of　the
mountain　with　as　fine　a　dinner　as　the　personnel　of　any　railroad　ever
engulfed。　We　opened　all　the　wine；　and　we　concocted　entrees　and　/pieces
de　resistance/；　and　stirred　up　little　savory　/chef　de　cuisines/　and
organized　a　mass　of　grub　such　as　has　been　seldom　instigated　out　of
canned　and　bottled　goods。　The　railroad　gathered　around　it；　and　the
wassail　and　diversions　was　intense。

After　the　feast　me　and　Caligula；　in　the　line　of　business；　takes　Major
Tucker　to　one　side　and　talks　ransom。　The　major　pulls　out　an
agglomeration　of　currency　about　the　size　of　the　price　of　a　town　lot　in
the　suburbs　of　Rabbitville；　Arizona；　and　makes　this　outcry。

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　he；　〃the　stock　of　the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　railroad
has　depreciated　some。　The　best　I　could　do　with　thirty　thousand
dollars'　worth　of　the　bonds　was　to　secure　a　loan　of　eighty…seven
dollars　and　fifty　cents。　On　the　farming　lands　of　Colonel　Rockingham；
Judge　Pendergast　was　able　to　obtain；　on　a　ninth　mortgage；　the　sum　of
fifty　dollars。　You　will　find　the　amount；　one　hundred　and　thirty…seven
fifty；　correct。〃

〃A　railroad　president；〃　said　I；　looking　this　Tucker　in　the　eye；　〃and
the　owner　of　a　thousand　acres　of　land；　and　yet〃

〃Gentlemen；〃　says　Tucker；　〃The　railroad　is　ten　miles　long。　There　don't
any　train　run　on　it　except　when　the　crew　goes　out　in　the　pines　and
gathers　enough　lightwood　knots　to　get　up　steam。　A　long　time　ago；　when
times　was　good；　the　net　earnings　used　to　run　as　high　as　eighteen
dollars　a　week。　Colonel　Rockingham's　land　has　been　sold　for　taxes
thirteen　times。　There　hasn't　been　a　peach　crop　in　this　part　of　Georgia
for　two　years。　The　wet　spring　killed　the　watermelons。　Nobody　around
here　has　money　enough　to　buy　fertilizer；　and　land　is　so　poor　the　corn
crop　failed　and　there　wasn't　enough　grass　to　support　the　rabbits。　All
the　people　have　had　to　eat　in　this　section　for　over　a　year　is　hog　and
hominy；　and〃

〃Pick；〃　interrupts　Caligula；　mussing　up　his　red　hair；　〃what　are　you
going　to　do　with　that　chicken…feed？〃

I　hands　the　money　back　to　Major　Tucker；　and　then　I　goes　over　to
Colonel　Rockingham　and　slaps　him　on　the　back。

〃Colonel；〃　says　I；　〃I　hope　you've　enjoyed　our　little　joke。　We　don't
want　to　carry　it　too　far。　Kidnappers！　Well；　wouldn't　it　tickle　your
uncle？　My　name's　Rhinegelder；　and　I'm　a　nephew　of　Chauncey　Depew。　My
friend's　a　second　cousin　of　the　editor　of　/Puck/。　So　you　can　see。　We
are　down　South　enjoying　ourselves　in　our　humorous　way。　Now；　there's
two　quarts　of　cognac　to　open　yet；　and　then　the　joke's　over。〃

What's　the　use　to　go　into　details？　One　or　two　will　be　enough。　I
remember　Major　Tallahassee　Tucker　playing　on　a　jew's…harp；　and
Caligula　waltzing　with　his　head　on　the　watch　pocket　of　a　tall　baggage…
master。　I　hesitate　to　refer　to　the　cake…walk　done　by　me　and　Mr。
Patterson　G。　Coble　with　Colonel　Jackson　T。　Rockingham　between　us。

And　even　on　the　next　morning；　when　you　wouldn't　think　it　possible；
there　was　a　consolation　for　me　and　Caligula。　We　knew　that　Raisuli
himself　never　made　half　the　hit　with　Burdick　Harris　that　we　did　with
the　Sunrise　&　Edenville　Tap　Railroad。



XIV

THE　ETHICS　OF　PIG

On　an　east…bound　train　I　went　into　the　smoker　and　found　Jefferson
Peters；　the　only　man　with　a　brain　west　of　the　Wabash　River　who　can　use
his　cerebrum　cerebellum；　and　medulla　oblongata　at　the　same　time。

Jeff　is　in　the　line　of　unillegal　graft。　He　is　not　to　be　dreaded　by
widows　and　orphans；　he　is　a　reducer　of　surplusage。　His　favorite
disguise　is　that　of　the　target…bird　at　which　the　spendthrift　or　the
reckless　investor　may　shy　a　few　inconsequential　dollars。　He　is　readily
vocalized　by　tobacco；　so；　with　the　aid　of　two　thick　and　easy…burning
brevas；　I　got　the　story　of　his　latest　Autolycan　adventure。

〃In　my　line　of　business；〃　said　Jeff；　〃the　hardest　thing　is　to　find　an
upright；　trustworthy；　strictly　honorable　partner　to　work　a　graft　with。
Some　of　the　best　men　I　ever　worked　with　in　a　swindle　would　resort　to
trickery　at　times。

〃So；　last　summer；　I　thinks　I　will　go　over　into　this　section　of　country
where　I　hear　the　serpent　has　not　yet　entered；　and　see　if　I　can　find　a
partner　naturally　gifted　with　a　talent　for　crime；　but　not　yet
contaminated　by　success。

〃I　found　a　village　that　seemed　to　show　the　right　kind　of　a　layout。　The
inhabitants　hadn't　found　that　Adam　had　been　dispossessed；　and　were
going　right　along　naming　the　animals　and　killing　snakes　just　as　if
they　were　in　the　Garden　of　Eden。　They　call　this　town　Mount　Nebo；　and
it's　up　near　the　spot　where　Kentucky　and　West　Virginia　and　North
Carolina　corner　together。　Them　States　don't　meet？　Well；　it　was　in　that
neighborhood；　anyway。

〃After　putting　in　a　week　proving　I　wasn't　a　revenue　officer；　I　went
over　to　the　store　where　the　rude　fourflushers　of　the　hamlet　lied；　to
see　if　I　could　get　a　line　on　the　kind　of　man　I　wanted。

〃'Gentlemen；'　says　I；　after　we　had　rubbed