the gentle grafter-第3部分

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something　for　it；　doc；　won't　you？'

〃'Mr。　Fiddle；'　says　I；　'raise　the　window　shade　a　bit；　will　you？'

〃'Biddle；'　says　the　young　man。　'Do　you　feel　like　you　could　eat　some
ham　and　eggs；　Uncle　James？'

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　after　laying　my　ear　to　his　right　shoulder　blade
and　listening；　'you've　got　a　bad　attack　of　super…inflammation　of　the
right　clavicle　of　the　harpsichord！'

〃'Good　Lord！'　says　he；　with　a　groan；　'Can't　you　rub　something　on　it；
or　set　it　or　anything？'

〃I　picks　up　my　hat　and　starts　for　the　door。

〃'You　ain't　going；　doc？'　says　the　Mayor　with　a　howl。　'You　ain't　going
away　and　leave　me　to　die　with　thissuperfluity　of　the　clapboards；　are
you？'

〃'Common　humanity；　Dr。　Whoa…ha；'　says　Mr。　Biddle；　'ought　to　prevent
your　deserting　a　fellow…human　in　distress。'

〃'Dr。　Waugh…hoo；　when　you　get　through　plowing；'　says　I。　And　then　I
walks　back　to　the　bed　and　throws　back　my　long　hair。

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　'there　is　only　one　hope　for　you。　Drugs　will　do
you　no　good。　But　there　is　another　power　higher　yet；　although　drugs　are
high　enough；'　says　I。

〃'And　what　is　that？'　says　he。

〃'Scientific　demonstrations；'　says　I。　'The　triumph　of　mind　over
sarsaparilla。　The　belief　that　there　is　no　pain　and　sickness　except
what　is　produced　when　we　ain't　feeling　well。　Declare　yourself　in
arrears。　Demonstrate。'

〃'What　is　this　paraphernalia　you　speak　of；　Doc？'　says　the　Mayor。　'You
ain't　a　Socialist；　are　you？'

〃'I　am　speaking；'　says　I；　'of　the　great　doctrine　of　psychic
financieringof　the　enlightened　school　of　long…distance；　sub…
conscientious　treatment　of　fallacies　and　meningitisof　that　wonderful
in…door　sport　known　as　personal　magnetism。'

〃'Can　you　work　it；　doc？'　asks　the　Mayor。

〃'I'm　one　of　the　Sole　Sanhedrims　and　Ostensible　Hooplas　of　the　Inner
Pulpit；'　says　I。　'The　lame　talk　and　the　blind　rubber　whenever　I　make　a
pass　at　'em。　I　am　a　medium；　a　coloratura　hypnotist　and　a　spirituous
control。　It　was　only　through　me　at　the　recent　seances　at　Ann　Arbor
that　the　late　president　of　the　Vinegar　Bitters　Company　could　revisit
the　earth　to　communicate　with　his　sister　Jane。　You　see　me　peddling
medicine　on　the　street；'　says　I；　'to　the　poor。　I　don't　practice
personal　magnetism　on　them。　I　do　not　drag　it　in　the　dust；'　says　I；
'because　they　haven't　got　the　dust。'

〃'Will　you　treat　my　case？'　asks　the　Mayor。

〃'Listen；'　says　I。　'I've　had　a　good　deal　of　trouble　with　medical
societies　everywhere　I've　been。　I　don't　practice　medicine。　But；　to
save　your　life；　I'll　give　you　the　psychic　treatment　if　you'll　agree　as
mayor　not　to　push　the　license　question。'

〃'Of　course　I　will；'　says　he。　'And　now　get　to　work；　doc；　for　them
pains　are　coming　on　again。'

〃'My　fee　will　be　250。00；　cure　guaranteed　in　two　treatments；'　says　I。

〃'All　right；'　says　the　Mayor。　'I'll　pay　it。　I　guess　my　life's　worth
that　much。'

〃I　sat　down　by　the　bed　and　looked　him　straight　in　the　eye。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'get　your　mind　off　the　disease。　You　ain't　sick。　You
haven't　got　a　heart　or　a　clavicle　or　a　funny　bone　or　brains　or
anything。　You　haven't　got　any　pain。　Declare　error。　Now　you　feel　the
pain　that　you　didn't　have　leaving；　don't　you？'

〃'I　do　feel　some　little　better；　doc；'　says　the　Mayor；　'darned　if　I
don't。　Now　state　a　few　lies　about　my　not　having　this　swelling　in　my
left　side；　and　I　think　I　could　be　propped　up　and　have　some　sausage　and
buckwheat　cakes。'

〃I　made　a　few　passes　with　my　hands。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'the　inflammation's　gone。　The　right　lobe　of　the
perihelion　has　subsided。　You're　getting　sleepy。　You　can't　hold　your
eyes　open　any　longer。　For　the　present　the　disease　is　checked。　Now；　you
are　asleep。'

〃The　Mayor　shut　his　eyes　slowly　and　began　to　snore。

〃'You　observe；　Mr。　Tiddle；'　says　I；　'the　wonders　of　modern　science。'

〃'Biddle；'　says　he；　'When　will　you　give　uncle　the　rest　of　the
treatment；　Dr。　Pooh…pooh？'

〃'Waugh…hoo；'　says　I。　'I'll　come　back　at　eleven　to…morrow。　When　he
wakes　up　give　him　eight　drops　of　turpentine　and　three　pounds　of　steak。
Good　morning。'

〃The　next　morning　I　was　back　on　time。　'Well；　Mr。　Riddle；'　says　I；　when
he　opened　the　bedroom　door；　'and　how　is　uncle　this　morning？'

〃'He　seems　much　better；'　says　the　young　man。

〃The　mayor's　color　and　pulse　was　fine。　I　gave　him　another　treatment；
and　he　said　the　last　of　the　pain　left　him。

〃'Now；'　says　I；　'you'd　better　stay　in　bed　for　a　day　or　two；　and　you'll
be　all　right。　It's　a　good　thing　I　happened　to　be　in　Fisher　Hill；　Mr。
Mayor；'　says　I；　'for　all　the　remedies　in　the　cornucopia　that　the
regular　schools　of　medicine　use　couldn't　have　saved　you。　And　now　that
error　has　flew　and　pain　proved　a　perjurer；　let's　allude　to　a
cheerfuller　subjectsay　the　fee　of　250。　No　checks；　please；　I　hate　to
write　my　name　on　the　back　of　a　check　almost　as　bad　as　I　do　on　the
front。'

〃'I've　got　the　cash　here；'　says　the　mayor；　pulling　a　pocket　book　from
under　his　pillow。

〃He　counts　out　five　fifty…dollar　notes　and　holds　'em　in　his　hand。

〃'Bring　the　receipt；'　he　says　to　Biddle。

〃I　signed　the　receipt　and　the　mayor　handed　me　the　money。　I　put　it　in
my　inside　pocket　careful。

〃'Now　do　your　duty；　officer；'　says　the　mayor；　grinning　much　unlike　a
sick　man。

〃Mr。　Biddle　lays　his　hand　on　my　arm。

〃'You're　under　arrest；　Dr。　Waugh…hoo；　alias　Peters；'　says　he；　'for
practising　medicine　without　authority　under　the　State　law。'

〃'Who　are　you？'　I　asks。

〃'I'll　tell　you　who　he　is；'　says　Mr。　Mayor；　sitting　up　in　bed。　'He's　a
detective　employed　by　the　State　Medical　Society。　He's　been　following
you　over　five　counties。　He　came　to　me　yesterday　and　we　fixed　up　this
scheme　to　catch　you。　I　guess　you　won't　do　any　more　doctoring　around
these　parts；　Mr。　Fakir。　What　was　it　you　said　I　had；　doc？'　the　mayor
laughs；　'compoundwell；　it　wasn't　softening　of　the　brain；　I　guess；
anyway。'

〃'A　detective；'　says　I。

〃'Correct；'　says　Biddle。　'I'll　have　to　turn　you　over　to　the　sheriff。'

〃'Let's　see　you　do　it；'　says　I；　and　I　grabs　Biddle　by　the　throat　and
half　throws　him　out　the　window；　but　he　pulls　a　gun　and　sticks　it　under
my　chin；　and　I　stand　still。　Then　he　puts　handcuffs　on　me；　and　takes
the　money　out　of　my　pocket。

〃'I　witness；'　says　he；　'that　they're　the　same　bank　bills　that　you　and
I　marked；　Judge　Banks。　I'll　turn　them　over　to　the　sheriff　when　we　get
to　his　office；　and　he'll　send　you　a　receipt。　They'll　have　to　be　used
as　evidence　in　the　case。'

〃'All　right；　Mr。　Biddle；'　says　the　mayor。　'And　now；　Doc　Waugh…hoo；'　he
goes　on；　'why　don't　you　demonstrate？　Can't　you　pull　the　cork　out　of
your　magnetism　with　your　teeth　and　hocus…pocus　them　handcuffs　off？'

〃'Come　on；　officer；'　says　I；　dignified。　'I　may　as　well　make　the　best
of　it。'　And　then　I　turns　to　old　Banks　and　rattles　my　chains。

〃'Mr。　Mayor；'　says　I；　'the　time　will　come　soon　when　you'll　believe
that　personal　magnetism　is　a　success。　And　you'll　be　sure　that　it
succeeded　in　this　case；　too。'

〃And　I　guess　it　did。

〃When　we　got　nearly　to　the　gate；　I　says：　'We　might　meet　somebody　now；
Andy。　I　reckon　you　better　take　'em　off；　and'　Hey？　Why；　of　course　it
was　Andy　Tucker。　That　was　his　scheme；　and　that's　how　we　got　the
capital　to　go　into　business　together。〃



III

MODERN　RURAL　SPORTS

Jeff　Peters　must　be　reminded。　Whenever　he　is　called　upon；　pointedly；
for　a　story；　he　will　maintain　that　his　life　has　been　as　devoid　of
incident　as　the　longest　of　Trollope's　novels。　But　lured；　he　will
divulge。　Therefore　I　cast　many　and　divers　flies　upon　the　current　of
his　thoughts　before　I　feel　a　nibble。

〃I　notice；〃　said　I；　〃that　the　Western　farmers；　in　spite　of　their
prosperity；　are　running　after　their　old　populistic　idols　again。〃

〃It's　the　running　season；〃　said　Jeff；　〃for　farmers；　shad；　maple　trees
and　the　Connemaugh　river。　I　know　something　about　farmers。　I　thought　I
struck　one　once　that　had　got　out　of　the　rut；　but　Andy　Tucker　proved　to
me　I　was　mistaken。　'Once　a　farmer；　always　a　sucker；'　said　Andy。　'He's
the　man　that's　shoved　into　the　front　row　among　bullets；　ballots　and
the　ballet。　He's　the　funny…bone　and　gristle　of　the　country；'　said
Andy；　'and　I　don't　know　who　we　would　do　without　him。'

〃One　morning　me　and　Andy　wakes　up　with　sixty…eight　cents　between　us　in
a　yellow　pine　hotel　on　the　edge　of　the　pre…digested　hoe…cake　belt　of
Southern　Indiana。　How　we　got　off　the　train　there　the　night　before　I
can't　tell　you；　for　she　went　through　the　village　so　fast　that　what
looked　like　a　saloon　to　us　through　the　car　window　turned　out　to　be　a
composite　view　of　a　drug　store　and　a　water　tank　two　blocks　apart。　Why
we　got　off　at　the　first　station　we　could；　belongs　to　a　little　oroide
gold　watch　and　Alaska　diamond　deal　we　failed　to　pull　off　the　day
before；　over　the　Kentucky　line。

〃When　I　woke　up　I　heard　roosters　crowing；　and　smelt　something　like　the
fumes　of　nitro…muriatic　acid；　and　heard　something　heavy　fall　on　the
floor　below　us；　and　a　man　swearing。

〃'Cheer　up；　Andy；'　says　I。　'We're　in　a　rural　community。　Somebody　has
just　tested　a　gold　brick　downstairs。　We'll　go　out　and　get　what's
coming　to　us　from　a　farmer；　and　then　yoicks！　and　away。'

〃Farmers　was　always　a　kind　of　reserve　fund　to　me。　Whenever　I　was　in
hard　luck　I'd　go　to　the　crossroads；　hook　a　finger　in　a　farmer's
suspender；　recite　the　prospectus　of　my　swindle　in　a　mechanical　kind　of
a　way；　look　over　what　he　had；　give　him　back　his　keys；　whetstone　and
papers　that　was　of　no　value　except　to　owner；　and　stroll　away　without
asking　any　questions。　Farmers　are　not　fair　game　to　me　as　high　up　in
our　business　as　me　and　Andy　was；　but　there　was　times　when　we　found　'em
useful；　just　as　Wall　Street　does　the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury　now　and
then。

〃When　we　went　down　stairs　we　saw　we　was　in　the　midst　of　the　finest
farming　section　we　ever　see。　About　two　miles　away　on　a　hill　was　a　big
white　house　in　a　grove　surrounded　by　a　wide…spread　agricultural
agglomeration　of　fields　and　barns　and　pastures　and　out…houses。

〃'Whose　house　is　that？'　we　asked　the　landlord。

〃'That；'　says　he；　'is　the　domicile　and　the　arboreal；　terrestrial　and
horticultural　accessories　of　Farmer　Ezra　Plunkett；　one　of　our
country's　most　progressive　citizens。'

〃After　breakfast　me　and　Andy；　with　eight　cents　capital　left；　casts　the
horoscope　of　the　rural　potentate。

〃'Let　me　go　alone；'　s