the gentle grafter-第4部分

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〃After　breakfast　me　and　Andy；　with　eight　cents　capital　left；　casts　the
horoscope　of　the　rural　potentate。

〃'Let　me　go　alone；'　says　I。　'Two　of　us　against　one　farmer　would　look
as　one…sided　as　Roosevelt　using　both　hands　to　kill　a　grizzly。'

〃'All　right；'　says　Andy。　'I　like　to　be　a　true　sport　even　when　I'm　only
collecting　rebates　from　the　rutabag　raisers。　What　bait　are　you　going
to　use　for　this　Ezra　thing？'　Andy　asks　me。

〃'Oh；'　I　says；　'the　first　thing　that　come　to　hand　in　the　suit　case。　I
reckon　I'll　take　along　some　of　the　new　income　tax　receipts；　and　the
recipe　for　making　clover　honey　out　of　clabber　and　apple　peelings；　and
the　order　blanks　for　the　McGuffey's　readers；　which　afterwards　turn　out
to　be　McCormick's　reapers；　and　the　pearl　necklace　found　on　the　train；
and　a　pocket…size　goldbrick；　and　a'

〃'That'll　be　enough；'　says　Andy。　'Any　one　of　the　lot　ought　to　land　on
Ezra。　And　say；　Jeff；　make　that　succotash　fancier　give　you　nice；　clean；
new　bills。　It's　a　disgrace　to　our　Department　of　Agriculture；　Civil
Service　and　Pure　Food　Law　the　kind　of　stuff　some　of　these　farmers　hand
out　to　use。　I've　had　to　take　rolls　from　'em　that　looked　like　bundles
of　microbe　cultures　captured　out　of　a　Red　Cross　ambulance。'

〃So；　I　goes　to　a　livery　stable　and　hires　a　buggy　on　my　looks。　I　drove
out　to　the　Plunkett　farm　and　hitched。　There　was　a　man　sitting　on　the
front　steps　of　the　house。　He　had　on　a　white　flannel　suit；　a　diamond
ring；　golf　cap　and　a　pink　ascot　tie。　'Summer　boarder；'　says　I　to
myself。

〃'I'd　like　to　see　Farmer　Ezra　Plunkett；'　says　I　to　him。

〃'You　see　him；'　says　he。　'What　seems　to　be　on　your　mind？'

〃I　never　answered　a　word。　I　stood　still；　repeating　to　myself　the
rollicking　lines　of　that　merry　jingle；　'The　Man　with　the　Hoe。'　When　I
looked　at　this　farmer；　the　little　devices　I　had　in　my　pocket　for
buncoing　the　pushed…back　brows　seemed　as　hopeless　as　trying　to　shake
down　the　Beef　Trust　with　a　mittimus　and　a　parlor　rifle。

〃'Well；'　says　he；　looking　at　me　close；　'speak　up。　I　see　the　left
pocket　of　your　coat　sags　a　good　deal。　Out　with　the　goldbrick　first。
I'm　rather　more　interested　in　the　bricks　than　I　am　in　the　trick　sixty…
day　notes　and　the　lost　silver　mine　story。'

〃I　had　a　kind　of　cerebral　sensation　of　foolishness　in　my　ideas　of
ratiocination；　but　I　pulled　out　the　little　brick　and　unwrapped　my
handkerchief　off　it。

〃'One　dollar　and　eighty　cents；'　says　the　farmer　hefting　it　in　his
hand。　'Is　it　a　trade？'

〃'The　lead　in　it　is　worth　more　than　that；'　says　I；　dignified。　I　put　it
back　in　my　pocket。

〃'All　right；'　says　he。　'But　I　sort　of　wanted　it　for　the　collection　I'm
starting。　I　got　a　5；000　one　last　week　for　2。10。'

〃Just　then　a　telephone　bell　rings　in　the　house。

〃'Come　in；　Bunk；'　says　the　farmer；　'and　look　at　my　place。　It's　kind　of
lonesome　here　sometimes。　I　think　that's　New　York　calling。'

〃We　went　inside。　The　room　looked　like　a　Broadway　stockbroker'slight
oak　desks；　two　'phones；　Spanish　leather　upholstered　chairs　and
couches；　oil　paintings　in　gilt　frames　a　foot　deep　and　a　ticker　hitting
off　the　news　in　one　corner。

〃'Hello；　hello！'　says　this　funny　farmer。　'Is　that　the　Regent　Theatre？
Yes；　this　is　Plunkett；　of　Woodbine　Centre。　Reserve　four　orchestra
seats　for　Friday　eveningmy　usual　ones。　Yes；　Fridaygood…bye。'

〃'I　run　over　to　New　York　every　two　weeks　to　see　a　show；'　says　the
farmer；　hanging　up　the　receiver。　'I　catch　the　eighteen…hour　flyer　at
Indianapolis；　spend　ten　hours　in　the　heyday　of　night　on　the　Yappian
Way；　and　get　home　in　time　to　see　the　chickens　go　to　roost　forty…eight
hours　later。　Oh；　the　pristine　Hubbard　squasherino　of　the　cave…dwelling
period　is　getting　geared　up　some　for　the　annual　meeting　of　the　Don't…
Blow…Out…the…Gas　Association；　don't　you　think；　Mr。　Bunk？'

〃'I　seem　to　perceive；'　says　I；　'a　kind　of　hiatus　in　the　agrarian
traditions　in　which　heretofore；　I　have　reposed　confidence。'

〃'Sure；　Bunk；'　says　he。　'The　yellow　primrose　on　the　river's　brim　is
getting　to　look　to　us　Reubs　like　a　holiday　edition　de　luxe　of　the
Language　of　Flowers　with　deckle　edges　and　frontispiece。'

〃Just　then　the　telephone　calls　him　again。

〃'Hello；　hello！'　says　he。　'Oh；　that's　Perkins；　at　Milldale。　I　told　you
800　was　too　much　for　that　horse。　Have　you　got　him　there？　Good。　Let　me
see　him。　Get　away　from　the　transmitter。　Now　make　him　trot　in　a　circle。
Faster。　Yes；　I　can　hear　him。　Keep　onfaster　yet。　。　。　。　That'll　do。
Now　lead　him　up　to　the　phone。　Closer。　Get　his　nose　nearer。　There。　Now
wait。　No；　I　don't　want　that　horse。　What？　No；　not　at　any　price。　He
interferes；　and　he's　windbroken。　Goodbye。'

〃'Now；　Bunk；'　says　the　farmer；　'do　you　begin　to　realize　that
agriculture　has　had　a　hair　cut？　You　belong　in　a　bygone　era。　Why；　Tom
Lawson　himself　knows　better　than　to　try　to　catch　an　up…to…date
agriculturalist　napping。　It's　Saturday；　the　Fourteenth；　on　the　farm；
you　bet。　Now；　look　here；　and　see　how　we　keep　up　with　the　day's
doings。'

〃He　shows　me　a　machine　on　a　table　with　two　things　for　your　ears　like
the　penny…in…the…slot　affairs。　I　puts　it　on　and　listens。　A　female
voice　starts　up　reading　headlines　of　murders；　accidents　and　other
political　casualities。

〃'What　you　hear；'　says　the　farmer；　'is　a　synopsis　of　to…day's　news　in
the　New　York；　Chicago；　St。　Louis　and　San　Francisco　papers。　It　is　wired
in　to　our　Rural　News　Bureau　and　served　hot　to　subscribers。　On　this
table　you　see　the　principal　dailies　and　weeklies　of　the　country。　Also
a　special　service　of　advance　sheets　of　the　monthly　magazines。'

〃I　picks　up　one　sheet　and　sees　that　it's　headed：　'Special　Advance
Proofs。　In　July；　1909；　the　/Century/　will　say'and　so　forth。

〃The　farmer　rings　up　somebodyhis　manager；　I　reckonand　tells　him　to
let　that　herd　of　15　Jerseys　go　at　600　a　head；　and　to　sow　the　900…acre
field　in　wheat；　and　to　have　200　extra　cans　ready　at　the　station　for
the　milk　trolley　car。　Then　he　passes　the　Henry　Clays　and　sets　out　a
bottle　of　green　chartreuse；　and　goes　over　and　looks　at　the　ticker
tape。

〃'Consolidated　Gas　up　two　points；'　says　he。　'Oh；　very　well。'

〃'Ever　monkey　with　copper？'　I　asks。

〃'Stand　back！'　says　he；　raising　his　hand；　'or　I'll　call　the　dog。　I
told　you　not　to　waste　your　time。'

〃After　a　while　he　says：　'Bunk；　if　you　don't　mind　my　telling　you；　your
company　begins　to　cloy　slightly。　I've　got　to　write　an　article　on　the
Chimera　of　Communism　for　a　magazine；　and　attend　a　meeting　of　the　Race
Track　Association　this　afternoon。　Of　course　you　understand　by　now　that
you　can't　get　my　proxy　for　your　Remedy；　whatever　it　may　be。'

〃Well；　sir；　all　I　could　think　of　to　do　was　to　go　out　and　get　in　the
buggy。　The　horse　turned　round　and　took　me　back　to　the　hotel。　I　hitched
him　and　went　in　to　see　Andy。　In　his　room　I　told　him　about　this　farmer；
word　for　word；　and　I　sat　picking　at　the　table　cover　like　one　bereft　of
sagaciousness。

〃'I　don't　understand　it；'　says　I；　humming　a　sad　and　foolish　little
song　to　cover　my　humiliation。

〃Andy　walks　up　and　down　the　room　for　a　long　time；　biting　the　left　end
of　his　mustache　as　he　does　when　in　the　act　of　thinking。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　finally；　'I　believe　your　story　of　this　expurgated
rustic；　but　I　am　not　convinced。　It　looks　incredulous　to　me　that　he
could　have　inoculated　himself　against　all　the　preordained　systems　of
bucolic　bunco。　Now；　you　never　regarded　me　as　a　man　of　special
religious　proclivities；　did　you；　Jeff？'　says　Andy。

〃'Well；'　says　I；　'No。　But；'　says　I；　not　to　wound　his　feelings；　'I　have
also　observed　many　church　members　whose　said　proclivities　were　not　so
outwardly　developed　that　they　would　show　on　a　white　handkerchief　if
you　rubbed　'em　with　it。'

〃'I　have　always　been　a　deep　student　of　nature　from　creation　down；'
says　Andy；　'and　I　believe　in　an　ultimatum　design　of　Providence。
Farmers　was　made　for　a　purpose；　and　that　was　to　furnish　a　livelihood
to　men　like　me　and　you。　Else　why　was　we　given　brains？　It　is　my　belief
that　the　manna　that　the　Israelites　lived　on　for　forty　years　in　the
wilderness　was　only　a　figurative　word　for　farmers；　and　they　kept　up
the　practice　to　this　day。　And　now；'　says　Andy；　'I　am　going　to　test　my
theory　〃Once　a　farmer；　always　a　come…on；〃　in　spite　of　the　veneering
and　the　orifices　that　a　spurious　civilization　has　brought　to　him。'

〃'You'll　fail；　same　as　I　did；'　says　I。　'This　one's　shook　off　the
shackles　of　the　sheep…fold。　He's　entrenched　behind　the　advantages　of
electricity；　education；　literature　and　intelligence。'

〃'I'll　try；'　said　Andy。　'There　are　certain　Laws　of　Nature　that　Free
Rural　Delivery　can't　overcome。'

〃Andy　fumbles　around　awhile　in　the　closet　and　comes　out　dressed　in　a
suit　with　brown　and　yellow　checks　as　big　as　your　hand。　His　vest　is　red
with　blue　dots；　and　he　wears　a　high　silk　hat。　I　noticed　he'd　soaked
his　sandy　mustache　in　a　kind　of　blue　ink。

〃'Great　Barnums？'　says　I。　'You're　a　ringer　for　a　circus　thimblerig
man。'

〃'Right；'　says　Andy。　'Is　the　buggy　outside？　Wait　here　till　I　come
back。　I　won't　be　long。'

〃Two　hours　afterwards　Andy　steps　into　the　room　and　lays　a　wad　of　money
on　the　table。

〃'Eight　hundred　and　sixty　dollars；'　said　he。　'Let　me　tell　you。　He　was
in。　He　looked　me　over　and　began　to　guy　me。　I　didn't　say　a　word；　but
got　out　the　walnut　shells　and　began　to　roll　the　little　ball　on　the
table。　I　whistled　a　tune　or　two；　and　then　I　started　up　the　old
formula。

〃'Step　up　lively；　gentlemen；'　says　I；　'and　watch　the　little　ball。　It
costs　you　nothing　to　look。　There　you　see　it；　and　there　you　don't。
Guess　where　the　little　joker　is。　The　quickness　of　the　hand　deceives
the　eye。

〃'I　steals　a　look　at　the　farmer　man。　I　see　the　sweat　coming　out　on　his
forehead。　He　goes　over　and　closes　the　front　door　and　watches　me　some
more。　Directly　he　says：　〃I'll　bet　you　twenty　I　can　pick　the　shell　the
ball's　under　now。〃

〃'After　that；'　goes　on　Andy；　'there　is　nothing　new　to　relate。　He　only
had　860　cash　in　the　house。　When　I　left　he　followed　me　to　the　gate。
There　was　tears　in　his　eyes　when　he　shook　hands。

〃'〃Bunk；〃　says　he；　〃thank　you　for　the　only　real　pleasure　I've　had　in
years。　It　brings　up　happy　old　days　when　I　was　only　a　farmer　and　not　an
agriculturalist。　God　bless　you。〃'〃

Here　Jeff　Peters　ceased；　and　I　inferred　that　his　story　was　done。

〃Then　you　think〃I　began