the gentle grafter-第5部分

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Here　Jeff　Peters　ceased；　and　I　inferred　that　his　story　was　done。

〃Then　you　think〃I　began。

〃Yes；〃　said　Jeff。　〃Something　like　that。　You　let　the　farmers　go　ahead
and　amuse　themselves　with　politics。　Farming's　a　lonesome　life；　and
they've　been　against　the　shell　game　before。〃



IV

THE　CHAIR　OF　PHILANTHROMATHEMATICS

〃I　see　that　the　cause　of　Education　has　received　the　princely　gift　of
more　than　fifty　millions　of　dollars；〃　said　I。

I　was　gleaning　the　stray　items　from　the　evening　papers　while　Jeff
Peters　packed　his　briar　pipe　with　plug　cut。

〃Which　same；〃　said　Jeff；　〃calls　for　a　new　deck；　and　a　recitation　by
the　entire　class　in　philanthromathematics。〃

〃Is　that　an　allusion？〃　I　asked。

〃It　is；〃　said　Jeff。　〃I　never　told　you　about　the　time　when　me　and　Andy
Tucker　was　philanthropists；　did　I？　It　was　eight　years　ago　in　Arizona。
Andy　and　me　was　out　in　the　Gila　mountains　with　a　two…horse　wagon
prospecting　for　silver。　We　struck　it；　and　sold　out　to　parties　in
Tucson　for　25；000。　They　paid　our　check　at　the　bank　in　silvera
thousand　dollars　in　a　sack。　We　loaded　it　in　our　wagon　and　drove　east　a
hundred　miles　before　we　recovered　our　presence　of　intellect。　Twenty…
five　thousand　dollars　doesn't　sound　like　so　much　when　you're　reading
the　annual　report　of　the　Pennsylvania　Railroad　or　listening　to　an
actor　talking　about　his　salary；　but　when　you　can　raise　up　a　wagon
sheet　and　kick　around　your　bootheel　and　hear　every　one　of　'em　ring
against　another　it　makes　you　feel　like　you　was　a　night…and…day　bank
with　the　clock　striking　twelve。

〃The　third　day　out　we　drove　into　one　of　the　most　specious　and　tidy
little　towns　that　Nature　or　Rand　and　McNally　ever　turned　out。　It　was
in　the　foothills；　and　mitigated　with　trees　and　flowers　and　about　2；000
head　of　cordial　and　dilatory　inhabitants。　The　town　seemed　to　be　called
Floresville；　and　Nature　had　not　contaminated　it　with　many　railroads；
fleas　or　Eastern　tourists。

〃Me　and　Andy　deposited　our　money　to　the　credit　of　Peters　and　Tucker　in
the　Esperanza　Savings　Bank；　and　got　rooms　at　the　Skyview　Hotel。　After
supper　we　lit　up；　and　sat　out　on　the　gallery　and　smoked。　Then　was　when
the　philanthropy　idea　struck　me。　I　suppose　every　grafter　gets　it
sometime。

〃When　a　man　swindles　the　public　out　of　a　certain　amount　he　begins　to
get　scared　and　wants　to　return　part　of　it。　And　if　you'll　watch　close
and　notice　the　way　his　charity　runs　you'll　see　that　he　tries　to
restore　it　to　the　same　people　he　got　it　from。　As　a　hydrostatical　case；
take；　let's　say；　A。　A　made　his　millions　selling　oil　to　poor　students
who　sit　up　nights　studying　political　economy　and　methods　for
regulating　the　trusts。　So；　back　to　the　universities　and　colleges　goes
his　conscience　dollars。

〃There's　B　got　his　from　the　common　laboring　man　that　works　with　his
hands　and　tools。　How's　he　to　get　some　of　the　remorse　fund　back　into
their　overalls？

〃'Aha！'　says　B；　'I'll　do　it　in　the　name　of　Education。　I've　skinned　the
laboring　man；'　says　he　to　himself；　'but；　according　to　the　old　proverb；
〃Charity　covers　a　multitude　of　skins。〃'

〃So　he　puts　up　eighty　million　dollars'　worth　of　libraries；　and　the
boys　with　the　dinner　pail　that　builds　'em　gets　the　benefit。

〃'Where's　the　books？'　asks　the　reading　public。

〃'I　dinna　ken；'　says　B。　'I　offered　ye　libraries；　and　there　they　are。　I
suppose　if　I'd　given　ye　preferred　steel　trust　stock　instead　ye'd　have
wanted　the　water　in　it　set　out　in　cut　glass　decanters。　Hoot；　for　ye！'

〃But；　as　I　said；　the　owning　of　so　much　money　was　beginning　to　give　me
philanthropitis。　It　was　the　first　time　me　and　Andy　had　ever　made　a
pile　big　enough　to　make　us　stop　and　think　how　we　got　it。

〃'Andy；'　says　I；　'we're　wealthynot　beyond　the　dreams　of　average；　but
in　our　humble　way　we　are　comparatively　as　rich　as　Greasers。　I　feel　as
if　I'd　like　to　do　something　for　as　well　as　to　humanity。'

〃'I　was　thinking　the　same　thing；　Jeff；'　says　he。　'We've　been　gouging
the　public　for　a　long　time　with　all　kinds　of　little　schemes　from
selling　self…igniting　celluloid　collars　to　flooding　Georgia　with　Hoke
Smith　presidential　campaign　buttons。　I'd　like；　myself；　to　hedge　a　bet
or　two　in　the　graft　game　if　I　could　do　it　without　actually　banging　the
cymbalines　in　the　Salvation　Army　or　teaching　a　bible　class　by　the
Bertillon　system。

〃'What'll　we　do？'　says　Andy。　'Give　free　grub　to　the　poor　or　send　a
couple　of　thousand　to　George　Cortelyou？'

〃'Neither；'　says　I。　'We've　got　too　much　money　to　be　implicated　in
plain　charity；　and　we　haven't　got　enough　to　make　restitution。　So；
we'll　look　about　for　something　that's　about　half　way　between　the　two。'

〃The　next　day　in　walking　around　Floresville　we　see　on　a　hill　a　big　red
brick　building　that　appears　to　be　disinhabited。　The　citizens　speak　up
and　tell　us　that　it　was　begun　for　a　residence　several　years　before　by
a　mine　owner。　After　running　up　the　house　he　finds　he　only　had　2。80
left　to　furnish　it　with；　so　he　invests　that　in　whiskey　and　jumps　off
the　roof　on　a　spot　where　he　now　requiescats　in　pieces。

〃As　soon　as　me　and　Andy　saw　that　building　the　same　idea　struck　both　of
us。　We　would　fix　it　up　with　lights　and　pen　wipers　and　professors；　and
put　an　iron　dog　and　statues　of　Hercules　and　Father　John　on　the　lawn；
and　start　one　of　the　finest　free　educational　institutions　in　the　world
right　there。

〃So　we　talks　it　over　to　the　prominent　citizens　of　Floresville；　who
falls　in　fine　with　the　idea。　They　give　a　banquet　in　the　engine　house
to　us；　and　we　make　our　bow　for　the　first　time　as　benefactors　to　the
cause　of　progress　and　enlightenment。　Andy　makes　an　hour…and…a…half
speech　on　the　subject　of　irrigation　in　Lower　Egypt；　and　we　have　a
moral　tune　on　the　phonograph　and　pineapple　sherbert。

〃Andy　and　me　didn't　lose　any　time　in　philanthropping。　We　put　every　man
in　town　that　could　tell　a　hammer　from　a　step　ladder　to　work　on　the
building；　dividing　it　up　into　class　rooms　and　lecture　halls。　We　wire
to　Frisco　for　a　car　load　of　desks；　footballs；　arithmetics；　penholders；
dictionaries；　chairs　for　the　professors；　slates；　skeletons；　sponges；
twenty…seven　cravenetted　gowns　and　caps　for　the　senior　class；　and　an
open　order　for　all　the　truck　that　goes　with　a　first…class　university。
I　took　it　on　myself　to　put　a　campus　and　a　curriculum　on　the　list；　but
the　telegraph　operator　must　have　got　the　words　wrong；　being　an
ignorant　man；　for　when　the　goods　come　we　found　a　can　of　peas　and　a
curry…comb　among　'em。

〃While　the　weekly　papers　was　having　chalk…plate　cuts　of　me　and　Andy　we
wired　an　employment　agency　in　Chicago　to　express　us　f。o。b。；　six
professors　immediatelyone　English　literature；　one　up…to…date　dead
languages；　one　chemistry；　one　political　economydemocrat　preferred
one　logic；　and　one　wise　to　painting；　Italian　and　music；　with　union
card。　The　Esperanza　bank　guaranteed　salaries；　which　was　to　run　between
800　and　800。50。

〃Well；　sir；　we　finally　got　in　shape。　Over　the　front　door　was　carved
the　words：　'The　World's　University；　Peters　&　Tucker；　Patrons　and
Proprietors。　And　when　September　the　first　got　a　cross…mark　on　the
calendar；　the　come…ons　begun　to　roll　in。　First　the　faculty　got　off　the
tri…weekly　express　from　Tucson。　They　was　mostly　young；　spectacled；　and
red…headed；　with　sentiments　divided　between　ambition　and　food。　Andy
and　me　got　'em　billeted　on　the　Floresvillians　and　then　laid　for　the
students。

〃They　came　in　bunches。　We　had　advertised　the　University　in　all　the
state　papers；　and　it　did　us　good　to　see　how　quick　the　country
responded。　Two　hundred　and　nineteen　husky　lads　aging　along　from　18　up
to　chin　whiskers　answered　the　clarion　call　of　free　education。　They
ripped　open　that　town；　sponged　the　seams；　turned　it；　lined　it　with　new
mohair；　and　you　couldn't　have　told　it　from　Harvard　or　Goldfields　at
the　March　term　of　court。

〃They　marched　up　and　down　the　streets　waving　flags　with　the　World's
University　colorsultra…marine　and　blueand　they　certainly　made　a
lively　place　of　Floresville。　Andy　made　them　a　speech　from　the　balcony
of　the　Skyview　Hotel；　and　the　whole　town　was　out　celebrating。

〃In　about　two　weeks　the　professors　got　the　students　disarmed　and
herded　into　classes。　I　don't　believe　there's　any　pleasure　equal　to
being　a　philanthropist。　Me　and　Andy　bought　high　silk　hats　and
pretended　to　dodge　the　two　reporters　of　the　Floresville　Gazette。　The
paper　had　a　man　to　kodak　us　whenever　we　appeared　on　the　street；　and
ran　our　pictures　every　week　over　the　column　headed　'Educational
Notes。'　Andy　lectured　twice　a　week　at　the　University；　and　afterward　I
would　rise　and　tell　a　humorous　story。　Once　the　Gazette　printed　my
pictures　with　Abe　Lincoln　on　one　side　and　Marshall　P。　Wilder　on　the
other。　

〃Andy　was　as　interested　in　philanthropy　as　I　was。　We　used　to　wake　up
of　nights　and　tell　each　other　new　ideas　for　booming　the　University。

〃'Andy；'　says　I　to　him　one　day；　'there's　something　we　overlooked。　The
boys　ought　to　have　dromedaries。'

〃'What's　that？'　Andy　asks。

〃'Why；　something　to　sleep　in；　of　course；'　says　I。　'All　colleges　have
'em。'

〃'Oh；　you　mean　pajamas；'　says　Andy。

〃'I　do　not；'　says　I。　'I　mean　dromedaries。'　But　I　never　could　make　Andy
understand；　so　we　never　ordered　'em。　Of　course；　I　meant　them　long
bedrooms　in　colleges　where　the　scholars　sleep　in　a　row。

〃Well；　sir；　the　World's　University　was　a　success。　We　had　scholars　from
five　States　and　territories；　and　Floresville　had　a　boom。　A　new
shooting　gallery　and　a　pawn　shop　and　two　more　saloons　started；　and　the
boys　got　up　a　college　yell　that　went　this　way：

　　〃'Raw；　raw；　raw；
　　　　Done；　done；　done；
　　Peters；　Tucker；
　　　　Lots　of　fun；
　　Bow…wow…wow；
　　　　Haw…hee…haw；
　　World　University；
　　　　Hip；　hurrah！'

〃The　scholars　was　a　fine　lot　of　young　men；　and　me　and　Andy　was　as
proud　of　'em　as　if　they　belonged　to　our　own　family。

〃But　one　day　about　the　last　of　October　Andy　comes　to　me　and　asks　if　I
have　any　idea　how　much　money　we　had　left　in　the　bank。　I　guesses　about
sixteen　thousand。　'Our　balance；'　says　Andy；　'is　821。62。'

〃'What！'　says　I；　with　a　kind　of　a　yell。　'Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　that
them　infernal　clod…hopping；　dough…headed；　pup…faced；　goose…brained；
gate…stealing；　rabbit…eared　sons　of　horse　thieves　have　soaked　us　for
that　much？'

〃'No　less；'　says　Andy。

〃'Then；　to　Helv