the gentle grafter-第6部分

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that　much？'

〃'No　less；'　says　Andy。

〃'Then；　to　Helvetia　with　philanthropy；'　says　I。

〃'Not　necessarily；'　says　Andy。　'Philanthropy；'　says　he；　'when　run　on　a
good　business　basis　is　one　of　the　best　grafts　going。　I'll　look　into
the　matter　and　see　if　it　can't　be　straightened　out。'

〃The　next　week　I　am　looking　over　the　payroll　of　our　faculty　when　I　run
across　a　new　nameProfessor　James　Darnley　McCorkle；　chair　of
mathematics；　salary　100　per　week。　I　yells　so　loud　that　Andy　runs　in
quick。

〃'What's　this；'　says　I。　'A　professor　of　mathematics　at　more　than
5；000　a　year？　How　did　this　happen？　Did　he　get　in　through　the　window
and　appoint　himself？'

〃'I　wired　to　Frisco　for　him　a　week　ago；'　says　Andy。　'In　ordering　the
faculty　we　seemed　to　have　overlooked　the　chair　of　mathematics。'

〃'A　good　thing　we　did；'　says　I。　'We　can　pay　his　salary　two　weeks；　and
then　our　philanthropy　will　look　like　the　ninth　hole　on　the　Skibo　golf
links。'

〃'Wait　a　while；'　says　Andy；　'and　see　how　things　turn　out。　We　have
taken　up　too　noble　a　cause　to　draw　out　now。　Besides；　the　further　I
gaze　into　the　retail　philanthropy　business　the　better　it　looks　to　me。
I　never　thought　about　investigating　it　before。　Come　to　think　of　it
now；'　goes　on　Andy；　'all　the　philanthropists　I　ever　knew　had　plenty　of
money。　I　ought　to　have　looked　into　that　matter　long　ago；　and　located
which　was　the　cause　and　which　was　the　effect。'

〃I　had　confidence　in　Andy's　chicanery　in　financial　affairs；　so　I　left
the　whole　thing　in　his　hands。　The　University　was　flourishing　fine；　and
me　and　Andy　kept　our　silk　hats　shined　up；　and　Floresville　kept　on
heaping　honors　on　us　like　we　was　millionaires　instead　of　almost　busted
philanthropists。

〃The　students　kept　the　town　lively　and　prosperous。　Some　stranger　came
to　town　and　started　a　faro　bank　over　the　Red　Front　livery　stable；　and
began　to　amass　money　in　quantities。　Me　and　Andy　strolled　up　one　night
and　piked　a　dollar　or　two　for　sociability。　There　were　about　fifty　of
our　students　there　drinking　rum　punches　and　shoving　high　stacks　of
blues　and　reds　about　the　table　as　the　dealer　turned　the　cards　up。

〃'Why；　dang　it；　Andy；'　says　I；　'these　free…school…hunting；　gander…
headed；　silk…socked　little　sons　of　sap…suckers　have　got　more　money
than　you　and　me　ever　had。　Look　at　the　rolls　they're　pulling　out　of
their　pistol　pockets？'

〃'Yes；'　says　Andy；　'a　good　many　of　them　are　sons　of　wealthy　miners　and
stockmen。　It's　very　sad　to　see　'em　wasting　their　opportunities　this
way。'

〃At　Christmas　all　the　students　went　home　to　spend　the　holidays。　We　had
a　farewell　blowout　at　the　University；　and　Andy　lectured　on　'Modern
Music　and　Prehistoric　Literature　of　the　Archipelagos。'　Each　one　of　the
faculty　answered　to　toasts；　and　compared　me　and　Andy　to　Rockefeller
and　the　Emperor　Marcus　Autolycus。　I　pounded　on　the　table　and　yelled
for　Professor　McCorkle；　but　it　seems　he　wasn't　present　on　the
occasion。　I　wanted　a　look　at　the　man　that　Andy　thought　could　earn　100
a　week　in　philanthropy　that　was　on　the　point　of　making　an　assignment。

〃The　students　all　left　on　the　night　train；　and　the　town　sounded　as
quiet　as　the　campus　of　a　correspondence　school　at　midnight。　When　I
went　to　the　hotel　I　saw　a　light　in　Andy's　room；　and　I　opened　the　door
and　walked　in。

〃There　sat　Andy　and　the　faro　dealer　at　a　table　dividing　a　two…foot
high　stack　of　currency　in　thousand…dollar　packages。

〃'Correct；'　says　Andy。　'Thirty…one　thousand　apiece。　Come　in；　Jeff；'
says　he。　'This　is　our　share　of　the　profits　of　the　first　half　of　the
scholastic　term　of　the　World's　University；　incorporated　and
philanthropated。　Are　you　convinced　now；'　says　Andy；　'that　philanthropy
when　practiced　in　a　business　way　is　an　art　that　blesses　him　who　gives
as　well　as　him　who　receives？'

〃'Great！'　says　I；　feeling　fine。　'I'll　admit　you　are　the　doctor　this
time。'

〃'We'll　be　leaving　on　the　morning　train；'　says　Andy。　'You'd　better　get
your　collars　and　cuffs　and　press　clippings　together。'

〃'Great！'　says　I。　'I'll　be　ready。　But；　Andy；'　says　I；　'I　wish　I　could
have　met　that　Professor　James　Darnley　McCorkle　before　we　went。　I　had　a
curiosity　to　know　that　man。'

〃'That'll　be　easy；'　says　Andy；　turning　around　to　the　faro　dealer。

〃'Jim；'　says　Andy；　'shake　hands　with　Mr。　Peters。'〃



V

THE　HAND　THAT　RILES　THE　WORLD

〃Many　of　our　great　men；〃　said　I　（apropos　of　many　things）；　〃have
declared　that　they　owe　their　success　to　the　aid　and　encouragement　of
some　brilliant　woman。〃

〃I　know；〃　said　Jeff　Peters。　〃I've　read　in　history　and　mythology　about
Joan　of　Arc　and　Mme。　Yale　and　Mrs。　Caudle　and　Eve　and　other　noted
females　of　the　past。　But；　in　my　opinion；　the　woman　of　to…day　is　of
little　use　in　politics　or　business。　What's　she　best　in；　anyway？men
make　the　best　cooks；　milliners；　nurses；　housekeepers；　stenographers；
clerks；　hairdressers　and　launderers。　About　the　only　job　left　that　a
woman　can　beat　a　man　in　is　female　impersonator　in　vaudeville。〃

〃I　would　have　thought；〃　said　I；　〃that　occasionally；　anyhow；　you　would
have　found　the　wit　and　intuition　of　woman　valuable　to　you　in　your
lines　oferbusiness。〃

〃Now；　wouldn't　you；〃　said　Jeff；　with　an　emphatic　nod〃wouldn't　you
have　imagined　that？　But　a　woman　is　an　absolutely　unreliable　partner　in
any　straight　swindle。　She's　liable　to　turn　honest　on　you　when　you　are
depending　upon　her　the　most。　I　tried　'em　once。

〃Bill　Humble；　an　old　friend　of　mine　in　the　Territories；　conceived　the
illusion　that　he　wanted　to　be　appointed　United　States　Marshall。　At
that　time　me　and　Andy　was　doing　a　square；　legitimate　business　of
selling　walking　canes。　If　you　unscrewed　the　head　of　one　and　turned　it
up　to　your　mouth　a　half　pint　of　good　rye　whiskey　would　go　trickling
down　your　throat　to　reward　you　for　your　act　of　intelligence。　The
deputies　was　annoying　me　and　Andy　some；　and　when　Bill　spoke　to　me
about　his　officious　aspirations；　I　saw　how　the　appointment　as　Marshall
might　help　along　the　firm　of　Peters　&　Tucker。

〃'Jeff；'　says　Bill　to　me；　'you　are　a　man　of　learning　and　education；
besides　having　knowledge　and　information　concerning　not　only　rudiments
but　facts　and　attainments。'

〃'I　do；'　says　I；　'and　I　have　never　regretted　it。　I　am　not　one；'　says
I；　'who　would　cheapen　education　by　making　it　free。　Tell　me；'　says　I；
'which　is　of　the　most　value　to　mankind；　literature　or　horse　racking？'

〃'Whyer；　playing　the　poI　mean；　of　course；　the　poets　and　the
great　writers　have　got　the　call；　of　course；'　says　Bill。

〃'Exactly；'　says　I。　'Then　why　do　the　master　minds　of　finance　and
philanthropy；'　says　I；　'charge　us　2　to　get　into　a　race…track　and　let
us　into　a　library　free？　Is　that　distilling　into　the　masses；'　says　I；
'a　correct　estimate　of　the　relative　value　of　the　two　means　of　self…
culture　and　disorder？'

〃'You　are　arguing　outside　of　my　faculties　of　sense　and　rhetoric；'　says
Bill。　'What　I　wanted　you　to　do　is　to　go　to　Washington　and　dig　out　this
appointment　for　me。　I　haven't　no　ideas　of　cultivation　and　intrigue。
I'm　a　plain　citizen　and　I　need　the　job。　I've　killed　seven　men；'　says
Bill；　'I've　got　nine　children；　I've　been　a　good　Republican　ever　since
the　first　of　May；　I　can't　read　nor　write；　and　I　see　no　reason　why　I
ain't　illegible　for　the　office。　And　I　think　your　partner；　Mr。　Tucker；'
goes　on　Bill；　'is　also　a　man　of　sufficient　ingratiation　and　connected
system　of　mental　delinquency　to　assist　you　in　securing　the
appointment。　I　will　give　you　preliminary；'　says　Bill；　'1；000　for
drinks；　bribes　and　carfare　in　Washington。　If　you　land　the　job　I　will
pay　you　1；000　more；　cash　down；　and　guarantee　you　impunity　in　boot…
legging　whiskey　for　twelve　months。　Are　you　patriotic　to　the　West
enough　to　help　me　put　this　thing　through　the　Whitewashed　Wigwam　of　the
Great　Father　of　the　most　eastern　flag　station　of　the　Pennsylvania
Railroad？'　says　Bill。

〃Well；　I　talked　to　Andy　about　it；　and　he　liked　the　idea　immense。　Andy
was　a　man　of　an　involved　nature。　He　was　never　content　to　plod　along；
as　I　was；　selling　to　the　peasantry　some　little　tool　like　a　combination
steak　beater；　shoe　horn；　marcel　waver；　monkey　wrench；　nail　file；
potato　masher　and　Multum　in　Parvo　tuning　fork。　Andy　had　the　artistic
temper；　which　is　not　to　be　judged　as　a　preacher's　or　a　moral　man's　is
by　purely　commercial　deflections。　So　we　accepted　Bill's　offer；　and
strikes　out　for　Washington。

〃Says　I　to　Andy；　when　we　get　located　at　a　hotel　on　South　Dakota
Avenue；　G。S。S。W。　'Now　Andy；　for　the　first　time　in　our　lives　we've　got
to　do　a　real　dishonest　act。　Lobbying　is　something　we've　never　been
used　to；　but　we've　got　to　scandalize　ourselves　for　Bill　Humble's　sake。
In　a　straight　and　legitimate　business；'　says　I；　'we　could　afford　to
introduce　a　little　foul　play　and　chicanery；　but　in　a　disorderly　and
heinous　piece　of　malpractice　like　this　it　seems　to　me　that　the
straightforward　and　aboveboard　way　is　the　best。　I　propose；'　says　I；
'that　we　hand　over　500　of　this　money　to　the　chairman　of　the　national
campaign　committee；　get　a　receipt；　lay　the　receipt　on　the　President's
desk　and　tell　him　about　Bill。　The　President　is　a　man　who　would
appreciate　a　candidate　who　went　about　getting　office　that　way　instead
of　pulling　wires。'

〃Andy　agreed　with　me；　but　after　we　talked　the　scheme　over　with　the
hotel　clerk　we　give　that　plan　up。　He　told　us　that　there　was　only　one
way　to　get　an　appointment　in　Washington；　and　that　was　through　a　lady
lobbyist。　He　gave　us　the　address　of　one　he　recommended；　a　Mrs。　Avery；
who　he　said　was　high　up　in　sociable　and　diplomatic　rings　and　circles。

〃The　next　morning　at　10　o'clock　me　and　Andy　called　at　her　hotel；　and
was　shown　up　to　her　reception　room。

〃This　Mrs。　Avery　was　a　solace　and　a　balm　to　the　eyesight。　She　had　hair
the　color　of　the　back　of　a　twenty　dollar　gold　certificate；　blue　eyes
and　a　system　of　beauty　that　would　make　the　girl　on　the　cover　of　a　July
magazine　look　like　a　cook　on　a　Monongahela　coal　barge。

〃She　had　on　a　low　necked　dress　covered　with　silver　spangles；　and
diamond　rings　and　ear　bobs。　Her　arms　was　bare；　and　she　was　using　a
desk　telephone　with　one　hand；　and　drinking　tea　with　the　other。

〃'Well；　boys；'　says　she　after　a　bit；　'what　is　it？'

〃I　told　her　in　as　few　words　as　possible　what　we　wanted　for　Bill；　and
the　price　we　could　pay。

〃'Those　wes