the gentle grafter-第7部分

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〃'Well；　boys；'　says　she　after　a　bit；　'what　is　it？'

〃I　told　her　in　as　few　words　as　possible　what　we　wanted　for　Bill；　and
the　price　we　could　pay。

〃'Those　western　appointments；'　says　she；　'are　easy。　Le'me　see；　now；'
says　she；　'who　could　put　that　through　for　us。　No　use　fooling　with　the
Territorial　delegates。　I　guess；'　says　she；　'that　Senator　Sniper　would
be　about　the　man。　He's　from　somewheres　in　the　West。　Let's　see　how　he
stands　on　my　private　menu　card。'　She　takes　some　papers　out　of　a
pigeon…hole　with　the　letter　'S'　over　it。

〃'Yes；'　says　she；　'he's　marked　with　a　star；　that　means　〃ready　to
serve。〃　Now；　let's　see。　〃Age　55；　married　twice；　Presbyterian；　likes
blondes；　Tolstoi；　poker　and　stewed　terrapin；　sentimental　at　third
bottle　of　wine。〃　Yes；'　she　goes　on；　'I　am　sure　I　can　have　your　friend；
Mr。　Bummer；　appointed　Minister　to　Brazil。'

〃'Humble；'　says　I。　'And　United　States　Marshal　was　the　berth。'

〃'Oh；　yes；'　says　Mrs。　Avery。　'I　have　so　many　deals　of　this　sort　I
sometimes　get　them　confused。　Give　me　all　the　memoranda　you　have　of　the
case；　Mr。　Peters；　and　come　back　in　four　days。　I　think　it　can　be
arranged　by　then。'

〃So　me　and　Andy　goes　back　to　our　hotel　and　waits。　Andy　walks　up　and
down　and　chews　the　left　end　of　his　mustache。

〃'A　woman　of　high　intellect　and　perfect　beauty　is　a　rare　thing；　Jeff；'
says　he。

〃'As　rare；'　says　I；　'as　an　omelet　made　from　the　eggs　of　the　fabulous
bird　known　as　the　epidermis；'　says　I。

〃'A　woman　like　that；'　says　Andy；　'ought　to　lead　a　man　to　the　highest
positions　of　opulence　and　fame。'

〃'I　misdoubt；'　says　I；　'if　any　woman　ever　helped　a　man　to　secure　a　job
any　more　than　to　have　his　meals　ready　promptly　and　spread　a　report
that　the　other　candidate's　wife　had　once　been　a　shoplifter。　They　are
no　more　adapted　for　business　and　politics；'　says　I；　'than　Algernon
Charles　Swinburne　is　to　be　floor　manager　at　one　of　Chuck　Connor's
annual　balls。　I　know；'　says　I　to　Andy；　'that　sometimes　a　woman　seems
to　step　out　into　the　kalsomine　light　as　the　charge　d'affaires　of　her
man's　political　job。　But　how　does　it　come　out？　Say；　they　have　a　neat
little　berth　somewhere　as　foreign　consul　of　record　to　Afghanistan　or
lockkeeper　on　the　Delaware　and　Raritan　Canal。　One　day　this　man　finds
his　wife　putting　on　her　overshoes　and　three　months　supply　of　bird　seed
into　the　canary's　cage。　〃Sioux　Falls？〃　he　asks　with　a　kind　of　hopeful
light　in　his　eye。　〃No；　Arthur；〃　says　she；　〃Washington。　We're　wasted
here；〃　says　she。　〃You　ought　to　be　Toady　Extraordinary　to　the　Court　of
St。　Bridget　or　Head　Porter　of　the　Island　of　Porto　Rico。　I'm　going　to
see　about　it。〃

〃'Then　this　lady；'　I　says　to　Andy；　'moves　against　the　authorities　at
Washington　with　her　baggage　and　munitions；　consisting　of　five　dozen
indiscriminating　letters　written　to　her　by　a　member　of　the　Cabinet
when　she　was　15；　a　letter　of　introduction　from　King　Leopold　to　the
Smithsonian　Institution；　and　a　pink　silk　costume　with　canary　colored
spats。

〃'Well　and　then　what？'　I　goes。　'She　has　the　letters　printed　in　the
evening　papers　that　match　her　costume；　she　lectures　at　an　informal　tea
given　in　the　palm　room　of　the　B。　&　O。　Depot　and　then　calls　on　the
President。　The　ninth　Assistant　Secretary　of　Commerce　and　Labor；　the
first　aide…de…camp　of　the　Blue　Room　and　an　unidentified　colored　man
are　waiting　there　to　grasp　her　by　the　handsand　feet。　They　carry　her
out　to　S。W。B。　street　and　leave　her　on　a　cellar　door。　That　ends　it。　The
next　time　we　hear　of　her　she　is　writing　postcards　to　the　Chinese
Minister　asking　him　to　get　Arthur　a　job　in　a　tea　store。'

〃'Then；'　says　Andy；　'you　don't　think　Mrs。　Avery　will　land　the
Marshalship　for　Bill？'

〃'I　do　not；'　says　I。　'I　do　not　wish　to　be　a　sceptic；　but　I　doubt　if
she　can　do　as　well　as　you　and　me　could　have　done。'

〃'I　don't　agree　with　you；'　says　Andy。　'I'll　bet　you　she　does。　I'm
proud　of　having　a　higher　opinion　of　the　talent　and　the　powers　of
negotiation　of　ladies。'

〃We　was　back　at　Mrs。　Avery's　hotel　at　the　time　she　appointed。　She　was
looking　pretty　and　fine　enough；　as　far　as　that　went；　to　make　any　man
let　her　name　every　officer　in　the　country。　But　I　hadn't　much　faith　in
looks；　so　I　was　certainly　surprised　when　she　pulls　out　a　document　with
the　great　seal　of　the　United　States　on　it；　and　'William　Henry　Humble'
in　a　fine；　big　hand　on　the　back。

〃'You　might　have　had　it　the　next　day；　boys；'　says　Mrs。　Avery；　smiling。
'I　hadn't　the　slightest　trouble　in　getting　it；'　says　she。　'I　just
asked　for　it；　that's　all。　Now；　I'd　like　to　talk　to　you　a　while；'　she
goes　on；　'but　I'm　awfully　busy；　and　I　know　you'll　excuse　me。　I've　got
an　Ambassadorship；　two　Consulates　and　a　dozen　other　minor　applications
to　look　after。　I　can　hardly　find　time　to　sleep　at　all。　You'll　give　my
compliments　to　Mr。　Humble　when　you　get　home；　of　course。'

〃Well；　I　handed　her　the　500；　which　she　pitched　into　her　desk　drawer
without　counting。　I　put　Bill's　appointment　in　my　pocket　and　me　and
Andy　made　our　adieus。

〃We　started　back　for　the　Territory　the　same　day。　We　wired　Bill：　'Job
landed；　get　the　tall　glasses　ready；'　and　we　felt　pretty　good。

〃Andy　joshed　me　all　the　way　about　how　little　I　knew　about　women。

〃'All　right；'　says　I。　'I'll　admit　that　she　surprised　me。　But　it's　the
first　time　I　ever　knew　one　of　'em　to　manipulate　a　piece　of　business　on
time　without　getting　it　bungled　up　in　some　way；'　says　I。

〃Down　about　the　edge　of　Arkansas　I　got　out　Bill's　appointment　and
looked　it　over；　and　then　I　handed　it　to　Andy　to　read。　Andy　read　it；
but　didn't　add　any　remarks　to　my　silence。

〃The　paper　was　for　Bill；　all　right；　and　a　genuine　document；　but　it
appointed　him　postmaster　of　Dade　City；　Fla。

〃Me　and　Andy　got　off　the　train　at　Little　Rock　and　sent　Bill's
appointment　to　him　by　mail。　Then　we　struck　northeast　toward　Lake
Superior。

〃I　never　saw　Bill　Humble　after　that。〃



VI

THE　EXACT　SCIENCE　OF　MATRIMONY

〃As　I　have　told　you　before；〃　said　Jeff　Peters；　〃I　never　had　much
confidence　in　the　perfidiousness　of　woman。　As　partners　or　coeducators
in　the　most　innocent　line　of　graft　they　are　not　trustworthy。〃

〃They　deserve　the　compliment；〃　said　I。　〃I　think　they　are　entitled　to
be　called　the　honest　sex。〃

〃Why　shouldn't　they　be？〃　said　Jeff。　〃They've　got　the　other　sex　either
grafting　or　working　overtime　for　'em。　They're　all　right　in　business
until　they　get　their　emotions　or　their　hair　touched　up　too　much。　Then
you　want　to　have　a　flat　footed；　heavy　breathing　man　with　sandy
whiskers；　five　kids　and　a　building　and　loan　mortgage　ready　as　an
understudy　to　take　her　desk。　Now　there　was　that　widow　lady　that　me　and
Andy　Tucker　engaged　to　help　us　in　that　little　matrimonial　agency
scheme　we　floated　out　in　Cairo。

〃When　you've　got　enough　advertising　capitalsay　a　roll　as　big　as　the
little　end　of　a　wagon　tonguethere's　money　in　matrimonial　agencies。
We　had　about　6；000　and　we　expected　to　double　it　in　two　months；　which
is　about　as　long　as　a　scheme　like　ours　can　be　carried　on　without
taking　out　a　New　Jersey　charter。

〃We　fixed　up　an　advertisement　that　read　about　like　this：

　　〃Charming　widow；　beautiful；　home　loving；　32　years；　possessing
　　3；000　cash　and　owning　valuable　country　property；　would　remarry。
　　Would　prefer　a　poor　man　with　affectionate　disposition　to　one　with
　　means；　as　she　realizes　that　the　solid　virtues　are　oftenest　to　be
　　found　in　the　humble　walks　of　life。　No　objection　to　elderly　man　or
　　one　of　homely　appearance　if　faithful　and　true　and　competent　to
　　manage　property　and　invest　money　with　judgment。　Address；　with
　　particulars。

Lonely；
Care　of　Peters　&　Tucker；　agents；　Cairo；　Ill。


〃'So　far；　so　pernicious；'　says　I；　when　we　had　finished　the　literary
concoction。　'And　now；'　says　I；　'where　is　the　lady。'

〃Andy　gives　me　one　of　his　looks　of　calm　irritation。

〃'Jeff；'　says　he；　'I　thought　you　had　lost　them　ideas　of　realism　in
your　art。　Why　should　there　be　a　lady？　When　they　sell　a　lot　of　watered
stock　on　Wall　Street　would　you　expect　to　find　a　mermaid　in　it？　What
has　a　matrimonial　ad　got　to　do　with　a　lady？'

〃'Now　listen；'　says　I。　'You　know　my　rule；　Andy；　that　in　all　my
illegitimate　inroads　against　the　legal　letter　of　the　law　the　article
sold　must　be　existent；　visible；　producible。　In　that　way　and　by　a
careful　study　of　city　ordinances　and　train　schedules　I　have　kept　out
of　all　trouble　with　the　police　that　a　five　dollar　bill　and　a　cigar
could　not　square。　Now；　to　work　this　scheme　we've　got　to　be　able　to
produce　bodily　a　charming　widow　or　its　equivalent　with　or　without　the
beauty；　hereditaments　and　appurtenances　set　forth　in　the　catalogue　and
writ　of　errors；　or　hereafter　be　held　by　a　justice　of　the　peace。'

〃'Well；'　says　Andy；　reconstructing　his　mind；　'maybe　it　would　be　safer
in　case　the　post　office　or　the　peace　commission　should　try　to
investigate　our　agency。　But　where；'　he　says；　'could　you　hope　to　find　a
widow　who　would　waste　time　on　a　matrimonial　scheme　that　had　no
matrimony　in　it？'

〃I　told　Andy　that　I　thought　I　knew　of　the　exact　party。　An　old　friend
of　mine；　Zeke　Trotter；　who　used　to　draw　soda　water　and　teeth　in　a　tent
show；　had　made　his　wife　a　widow　a　year　before　by　drinking　some
dyspepsia　cure　of　the　old　doctor's　instead　of　the　liniment　that　he
always　got　boozed　up　on。　I　used　to　stop　at　their　house　often；　and　I
thought　we　could　get　her　to　work　with　us。

〃'Twas　only　sixty　miles　to　the　little　town　where　she　lived；　so　I
jumped　out　on　the　I。C。　and　finds　her　in　the　same　cottage　with　the　same
sunflowers　and　roosters　standing　on　the　washtub。　Mrs。　Trotter　fitted
our　ad　first　rate　except；　maybe　for　beauty　and　age　and　property
valuation。　But　she　looked　feasible　and　praiseworthy　to　the　eye；　and　it
was　a　kindness　to　Zeke's　memory　to　give　her　the　job。

〃'Is　this　an　honest　deal　you　are　putting　on；　Mr。　Peters；'　she　asks　me
when　I　tell　her　what　we　want。

〃'Mrs。　Trotter；'　says　I；　'Andy　Tucker　and　me　have　computed　the
calculation　that　3；000　men　in　this　broad　and　unfair　country　will
endeavor　to　secure　your　fair　hand　and　ostensible　money　and　property
through　our　advertisement。　Out　of　that　number　something　like　thirty
hundred　will　expect　to　give　you　in　exchange；　if　they　should　win　you；
the　carcass　of　a　lazy　and　mercenary　loafer；　a　failure　in　life；　a
swindler　and　contemptib