the gentle grafter-第8部分

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the　carcass　of　a　lazy　and　mercenary　loafer；　a　failure　in　life；　a
swindler　and　contemptible　fortune　seeker。

〃'Me　and　Andy；'　says　I；　'propose　to　teach　these　preyers　upon　society　a
lesson。　It　was　with　difficulty；'　says　I；　'that　me　and　Andy　could
refrain　from　forming　a　corporation　under　the　title　of　the　Great　Moral
and　Millennial　Malevolent　Matrimonial　Agency。　Does　that　satisfy　you？'

〃'It　does；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　she。　'I　might　have　known　you　wouldn't
have　gone　into　anything　that　wasn't　opprobrious。　But　what　will　my
duties　be？　Do　I　have　to　reject　personally　these　3；000　ramscallions　you
speak　of；　or　can　I　throw　them　out　in　bunches？'

〃'Your　job；　Mrs。　Trotter；'　says　I；　'will　be　practically　a　cynosure。
You　will　live　at　a　quiet　hotel　and　will　have　no　work　to　do。　Andy　and　I
will　attend　to　all　the　correspondence　and　business　end　of　it。

〃'Of　course；'　says　I；　'some　of　the　more　ardent　and　impetuous　suitors
who　can　raise　the　railroad　fare　may　come　to　Cairo　to　personally　press
their　suit　or　whatever　fraction　of　a　suit　they　may　be　wearing。　In　that
case　you　will　be　probably　put　to　the　inconvenience　of　kicking　them　out
face　to　face。　We　will　pay　you　25　per　week　and　hotel　expenses。'

〃'Give　me　five　minutes；'　says　Mrs。　Trotter；　'to　get　my　powder　rag　and
leave　the　front　door　key　with　a　neighbor　and　you　can　let　my　salary
begin。'

〃So　I　conveys　Mrs。　Trotter　to　Cairo　and　establishes　her　in　a　family
hotel　far　enough　away　from　mine　and　Andy's　quarters　to　be　unsuspicious
and　available；　and　I　tell　Andy。

〃'Great；'　says　Andy。　'And　now　that　your　conscience　is　appeased　as　to
the　tangibility　and　proximity　of　the　bait；　and　leaving　mutton　aside；
suppose　we　revenoo　a　noo　fish。'

〃So；　we　began　to　insert　our　advertisement　in　newspapers　covering　the
country　far　and　wide。　One　ad　was　all　we　used。　We　couldn't　have　used
more　without　hiring　so　many　clerks　and　marcelled　paraphernalia　that
the　sound　of　the　gum　chewing　would　have　disturbed　the　Postmaster…
General。

〃We　placed　2；000　in　a　bank　to　Mrs。　Trotter's　credit　and　gave　her　the
book　to　show　in　case　anybody　might　question　the　honesty　and　good　faith
of　the　agency。　I　knew　Mrs。　Trotter　was　square　and　reliable　and　it　was
safe　to　leave　it　in　her　name。

〃With　that　one　ad　Andy　and　me　put　in　twelve　hours　a　day　answering
letters。

〃About　one　hundred　a　day　was　what　came　in。　I　never　knew　there　was　so
many　large　hearted　but　indigent　men　in　the　country　who　were　willing　to
acquire　a　charming　widow　and　assume　the　burden　of　investing　her　money。

〃Most　of　them　admitted　that　they　ran　principally　to　whiskers　and　lost
jobs　and　were　misunderstood　by　the　world；　but　all　of　'em　were　sure
that　they　were　so　chock　full　of　affection　and　manly　qualities　that　the
widow　would　be　making　the　bargain　of　her　life　to　get　'em。

〃Every　applicant　got　a　reply　from　Peters　&　Tucker　informing　him　that
the　widow　had　been　deeply　impressed　by　his　straightforward　and
interesting　letter　and　requesting　them　to　write　again；　stating　more
particulars；　and　enclosing　photograph　if　convenient。　Peters　&　Tucker
also　informed　the　applicant　that　their　fee　for　handing　over　the　second
letter　to　their　fair　client　would　be　2；　enclosed　therewith。

〃There　you　see　the　simple　beauty　of　the　scheme。　About　90　per　cent。　of
them　domestic　foreign　noblemen　raised　the　price　somehow　and　sent　it
in。　That　was　all　there　was　to　it。　Except　that　me　and　Andy　complained
an　amount　about　being　put　to　the　trouble　of　slicing　open　them
envelopes；　and　taking　the　money　out。

〃Some　few　clients　called　in　person。　We　sent　'em　to　Mrs。　Trotter　and
she　did　the　rest；　except　for　three　or　four　who　came　back　to　strike　us
for　carfare。　After　the　letters　began　to　get　in　from　the　r。f。d。
districts　Andy　and　me　were　taking　in　about　200　a　day。

〃One　afternoon　when　we　were　busiest　and　I　was　stuffing　the　two　and
ones　into　cigar　boxes　and　Andy　was　whistling　'No　Wedding　Bells　for
Her'　a　small　slick　man　drops　in　and　runs　his　eye　over　the　walls　like
he　was　on　the　trail　of　a　lost　Gainesborough　painting　or　two。　As　soon
as　I　saw　him　I　felt　a　glow　of　pride；　because　we　were　running　our
business　on　the　level。

〃'I　see　you　have　quite　a　large　mail　to…day；'　says　the　man。

〃I　reached　and　got　my　hat。

〃'Come　on；'　says　I。　'We've　been　expecting　you。　I'll　show　you　the
goods。　How　was　Teddy　when　you　left　Washington？'

〃I　took　him　down　to　the　Riverview　Hotel　and　had　him　shake　hands　with
Mrs。　Trotter。　Then　I　showed　him　her　bank　book　with　the　2；000　to　her
credit。

〃'It　seems　to　be　all　right；'　says　the　Secret　Service。

〃'It　is；'　says　I。　'And　if　you're　not　a　married　man　I'll　leave　you　to
talk　a　while　with　the　lady。　We　won't　mention　the　two　dollars。'

〃'Thanks；'　says　he。　'If　I　wasn't；　I　might。　Good　day；　Mrs。　Peters。'

〃Toward　the　end　of　three　months　we　had　taken　in　something　over　5；000；
and　we　saw　it　was　time　to　quit。　We　had　a　good　many　complaints　made　to
us；　and　Mrs。　Trotter　seemed　to　be　tired　of　the　job。　A　good　many
suitors　had　been　calling　to　see　her；　and　she　didn't　seem　to　like　that。

〃So　we　decides　to　pull　out；　and　I　goes　down　to　Mrs。　Trotter's　hotel　to
pay　her　last　week's　salary　and　say　farewell　and　get　her　check　for　the
2；000。

〃When　I　got　there　I　found　her　crying　like　a　kid　that　don't　want　to　go
to　school。

〃'Now；　now；'　says　I；　'what's　it　all　about？　Somebody　sassed　you　or　you
getting　homesick？'

〃'No；　Mr。　Peters；'　says　she。　'I'll　tell　you。　You　was　always　a　friend
of　Zeke's；　and　I　don't　mind。　Mr。　Peters；　I'm　in　love。　I　just　love　a
man　so　hard　I　can't　bear　not　to　get　him。　He's　just　the　ideal　I've
always　had　in　mind。'

〃'Then　take　him；'　says　I。　'That　is；　if　it's　a　mutual　case。　Does　he
return　the　sentiment　according　to　the　specifications　and　painfulness
you　have　described？'

〃'He　does；'　says　she。　'But　he's　one　of　the　gentlemen　that's　been
coming　to　see　me　about　the　advertisement　and　he　won't　marry　me　unless
I　give　him　the　2；000。　His　name　is　William　Wilkinson。'　And　then　she
goes　off　again　in　the　agitations　and　hysterics　of　romance。

〃'Mrs。　Trotter；'　says　I；　'there's　no　man　more　sympathizing　with　a
woman's　affections　than　I　am。　Besides；　you　was　once　the　life　partner
of　one　of　my　best　friends。　If　it　was　left　to　me　I'd　say　take　this
2；000　and　the　man　of　your　choice　and　be　happy。

〃'We　could　afford　to　do　that；　because　we　have　cleaned　up　over　5；000
from　these　suckers　that　wanted　to　marry　you。　But；'　says　I；　'Andy
Tucker　is　to　be　consulted。

〃'He　is　a　good　man；　but　keen　in　business。　He　is　my　equal　partner
financially。　I　will　talk　to　Andy；'　says　I；　'and　see　what　can　be　done。'

〃I　goes　back　to　our　hotel　and　lays　the　case　before　Andy。

〃'I　was　expecting　something　like　this　all　the　time；'　says　Andy。　'You
can't　trust　a　woman　to　stick　by　you　in　any　scheme　that　involves　her
emotions　and　preferences。'

〃'It's　a　sad　thing；　Andy；'　says　I；　'to　think　that　we've　been　the　cause
of　the　breaking　of　a　woman's　heart。'

〃'It　is；'　says　Andy；　'and　I　tell　you　what　I'm　willing　to　do；　Jeff。
You've　always　been　a　man　of　a　soft　and　generous　heart　and　disposition。
Perhaps　I've　been　too　hard　and　worldly　and　suspicious。　For　once　I'll
meet　you　half　way。　Go　to　Mrs。　Trotter　and　tell　her　to　draw　the　2；000
from　the　bank　and　give　it　to　this　man　she's　infatuated　with　and　be
happy。'

〃I　jumps　up　and　shakes　Andy's　hand　for　five　minutes；　and　then　I　goes
back　to　Mrs。　Trotter　and　tells　her；　and　she　cries　as　hard　for　joy　as
she　did　for　sorrow。

〃Two　days　afterward　me　and　Andy　packed　up　to　go。

〃'Wouldn't　you　like　to　go　down　and　meet　Mrs。　Trotter　once　before　we
leave？'　I　asks　him。　'She'd　like　mightily　to　know　you　and　express　her
encomiums　and　gratitude。'

〃'Why；　I　guess　not；'　says　Andy。　'I　guess　we'd　better　hurry　and　catch
that　train。'

〃I　was　strapping　our　capital　around　me　in　a　memory　belt　like　we　always
carried　it；　when　Andy　pulls　a　roll　of　large　bills　out　of　his　pocket
and　asks　me　to　put　'em　with　the　rest。

〃'What's　this？'　says　I。

〃'It's　Mrs。　Trotter's　two　thousand；'　says　Andy。

〃'How　do　you　come　to　have　it？'　I　asks。

〃'She　gave　it　to　me；'　says　Andy。　'I've　been　calling　on　her　three
evenings　a　week　for　more　than　a　month。'

〃'Then　are　you　William　Wilkinson？'　says　I。

〃'I　was；'　says　Andy。〃



VII

A　MIDSUMMER　MASQUERADE

〃Satan；〃　said　Jeff　Peters；　〃is　a　hard　boss　to　work　for。　When　other
people　are　having　their　vacation　is　when　he　keeps　you　the　busiest。　As
old　Dr。　Watts　or　St。　Paul　or　some　other　diagnostician　says：　'He　always
finds　somebody　for　idle　hands　to　do。'

〃I　remember　one　summer　when　me　and　my　partner；　Andy　Tucker；　tried　to
take　a　layoff　from　our　professional　and　business　duties；　but　it　seems
that　our　work　followed　us　wherever　we　went。

〃Now；　with　a　preacher　it's　different。　He　can　throw　off　his
responsibilities　and　enjoy　himself。　On　the　31st　of　May　he　wraps
mosquito　netting　and　tin　foil　around　the　pulpit；　grabs　his　niblick；
breviary　and　fishing　pole　and　hikes　for　Lake　Como　or　Atlantic　City
according　to　the　size　of　the　loudness　with　which　he　has　been　called　by
his　congregation。　And；　sir；　for　three　months　he　don't　have　to　think
about　business　except　to　hunt　around　in　Deuteronomy　and　Proverbs　and
Timothy　to　find　texts　to　cover　and　exculpate　such　little　midsummer
penances　as　dropping　a　couple　of　looey　door　on　rouge　or　teaching　a
Presbyterian　widow　to　swim。

〃But　I　was　going　to　tell　you　about　mine　and　Andy's　summer　vacation
that　wasn't　one。

〃We　was　tired　of　finance　and　all　the　branches　of　unsanctified
ingenuity。　Even　Andy；　whose　brain　rarely　ever　stopped　working；　began
to　make　noises　like　a　tennis　cabinet。

〃'Heigh　ho！'　says　Andy。　'I'm　tired。　I've　got　that　steam　up　the　yacht
Corsair　and　ho　for　the　Riviera！　feeling。　I　want　to　loaf　and　indict　my
soul；　as　Walt　Whittier　says。　I　want　to　play　pinochle　with　Merry　del
Val　or　give　a　knouting　to　the　tenants　on　my　Tarrytown　estates　or　do　a
monologue　at　a　Chautauqua　picnic　in　kilts　or　something　summery　and
outside　the　line　of　routine　and　sand…bagging。'

〃'Patience；'　says　I。　'You'll　have　to　climb　higher　in　the　profession
before　you　can　taste　the　laurels　that　crown　the　footprints　of　the
great　captains　of　industry。　Now；　what　I'd　like；　Andy；'　says　I；　'would
be　a　summer　sojourn　in　a　mountain　village　far　from　scenes　of　larceny；
labor　and　ov