liber amoris-第11部分

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You　know　the　anxious　expectations　with　which　I　set　out：now　hear　the　result

As　the　vessel　sailed　up　the　Thames；　the　air　thickened　with　the　consciousness　of　being　near　her；　and　I　〃heaved　her　name　pantingly　forth。〃　　As　I　approached　the　house；　I　could　not　help　thinking　of　the　lines


〃How　near　am　I　to　a　happiness；　That　earth　exceeds　not！　　Not　another　like　it。　The　treasures　of　the　deep　are　not　so　precious　As　are　the　conceal'd　comforts　of　a　man　Lock'd　up　in　woman's　love。　　I　scent　the　air　Of　blessings　when　I　come　but　near　the　house。　What　a　delicious　breath　true　love　sends　forth！　The　violet…beds　not　sweeter。　　Now　for　a　welcome　Able　to　draw　men's　envies　upon　man：　A　kiss　now　that　will　hang　upon　my　lip；　As　sweet　as　morning　dew　upon　a　rose；　And　full　as　long！〃


I　saw　her；　but　I　saw　at　the　first　glance　that　there　was　something　amiss。　　It　was　with　much　difficulty　and　after　several　pressing　intreaties　that　she　was　prevailed　on　to　come　up　into　the　room；　and　when　she　did；　she　stood　at　the　door；　cold；　distant；　averse；　and　when　at　length　she　was　persuaded　by　my　repeated　remonstrances　to　come　and　take　my　hand；　and　I　offered　to　touch　her　lips；　she　turned　her　head　and　shrunk　from　my　embraces；　as　if　quite　alienated　or　mortally　offended。　　I　asked　what　it　could　mean？　　What　had　I　done　in　her　absence　to　have　incurred　her　displeasure？　　Why　had　she　not　written　to　me？　　I　could　get　only　short；　sullen；　disconnected　answers；　as　if　there　was　something　labouring　in　her　mind　which　she　either　could　not　or　would　not　impart。　　I　hardly　knew　how　to　bear　this　first　reception　after　so　long　an　absence；　and　so　different　from　the　one　my　sentiments　towards　her　merited；　but　I　thought　it　possible　it　might　be　prudery　（as　I　had　returned　without　having　actually　accomplished　what　I　went　about）　or　that　she　had　taken　offence　at　something　in　my　letters。　　She　saw　how　much　I　was　hurt。　　I　asked　her；　〃If　she　was　altered　since　I　went　away？〃〃No。〃　　〃If　there　was　any　one　else　who　had　been　so　fortunate　as　to　gain　her　favourable　opinion？〃〃No；　there　was　no　one　else。〃　　〃What　was　it　then？　　Was　it　any　thing　in　my　letters？　　Or　had　I　displeased　her　by　letting　Mr。　P　know　she　wrote　to　me？〃〃No；　not　at　all；　but　she　did　not　apprehend　my　last　letter　required　any　answer；　or　she　would　have　replied　to　it。〃　　All　this　appeared　to　me　very　unsatisfactory　and　evasive；　but　I　could　get　no　more　from　her；　and　was　obliged　to　let　her　go　with　a　heavy；　foreboding　heart。　　I　however　found　that　C　was　gone；　and　no　one　else　had　been　there；　of　whom　I　had　cause　to　be　jealous。〃Should　I　see　her　on　the　morrow？〃〃She　believed　so；　but　she　could　not　promise。〃　　The　next　morning　she　did　not　appear　with　the　breakfast　as　usual。　　At　this　I　grew　somewhat　uneasy。　　The　little　Buonaparte；　however；　was　placed　in　its　old　position　on　the　mantelpiece；　which　I　considered　as　a　sort　of　recognition　of　old　times。　　I　saw　her　once　or　twice　casually；　nothing　particular　happened　till　the　next　day；　which　was　Sunday。　　I　took　occasion　to　go　into　the　parlour　for　the　newspaper；　which　she　gave　me　with　a　gracious　smile；　and　seemed　tolerably　frank　and　cordial。　　This　of　course　acted　as　a　spell　upon　me。　　I　walked　out　with　my　little　boy；　intending　to　go　and　dine　out　at　one　or　two　places；　but　I　found　that　I　still　contrived　to　bend　my　steps　towards　her；　and　I　went　back　to　take　tea　at　home。　　While　we　were　out；　I　talked　to　William　about　Sarah；　saying　that　she　too　was　unhappy；　and　asking　him　to　make　it　up　with　her。　　He　said；　if　she　was　unhappy；　he　would　not　bear　her　malice　any　more。　　When　she　came　up　with　the　tea…things；　I　said　to　her；　〃William　has　something　to　say　to　youI　believe　he　wants　to　be　friends。〃　　On　which　he　said　in　his　abrupt；　hearty　manner；　〃Sarah；　I'm　sorry　if　I've　ever　said　anything　to　vex　you〃so　they　shook　hands；　and　she　said；　smiling　affably〃THEN　I'll　think　no　more　of　it！〃　　I　added〃I　see　you've　brought　me　back　my　little　Buonaparte〃She　answered　with　tremulous　softness〃I　told　you　I'd　keep　it　safe　for　you！〃as　if　her　pride　and　pleasure　in　doing　so　had　been　equal；　and　she　had；　as　it　were；　thought　of　nothing　during　my　absence　but　how　to　greet　me　with　this　proof　of　her　fidelity　on　my　return。　　I　cannot　describe　her　manner。　　Her　words　are　few　and　simple；　but　you　can　have　no　idea　of　the　exquisite；　unstudied；　irresistible　graces　with　which　she　accompanies　them；　unless　you　can　suppose　a　Greek　statue　to　smile；　move；　and　speak。　　Those　lines　in　Tibullus　seem　to　have　been　written　on　purpose　for　her


Quicquid　agit　quoquo　vestigil　vertit；　Componit　furtim；　subsequiturque　decor。


Or　what　do　you　think　of　those　in　a　modern　play；　which　might　actually　have　been　composed　with　an　eye　to　this　little　trifler…


〃See　with　what　a　waving　air　she　goes　Along　the　corridor。　　How　like　a　fawn！　Yet　statelier。　　No　sound　（however　soft）　Nor　gentlest　echo　telleth　when　she　treads；　But　every　motion　of　her　shape　doth　seem　Hallowed　by　silence。　　So　did　Hebe　grow　Among　the　gods　a　paragon！　Away；　I'm　grown　The　very　fool　of　Love！〃


The　truth　is；　I　never　saw　anything　like　her；　nor　I　never　shall　again。　　How　then　do　I　console　myself　for　the　loss　of　her？　　Shall　I　tell　you；　but　you　will　not　mention　it　again？　　I　am　foolish　enough　to　believe　that　she　and　I；　in　spite　of　every　thing；　shall　be　sitting　together　over　a　sea…coal　fire；　a　comfortable　good　old　couple；　twenty　years　hence！　　But　to　my　narrative。

I　was　delighted　with　the　alteration　in　her　manner；　and　said；　referring　to　the　bust〃You　know　it　is　not　mine；　but　yours；　I　gave　it　you；　nay；　I　have　given　you　allmy　heart；　and　whatever　I　possess；　is　yours！　　She　seemed　good…humouredly　to　decline　this　carte　blanche　offer；　and　waved；　like　a　thing　of　enchantment；　out　of　the　room。　　False　calm！Deceitful　smiles！Short　interval　of　peace；　followed　by　lasting　woe！　I　sought　an　interview　with　her　that　same　evening。　　I　could　not　get　her　to　come　any　farther　than　the　door。　　〃She　was　busyshe　could　hear　what　I　had　to　say　there。〃　　Why　do　you　seem　to　avoid　me　as　you　do？　　Not　one　five　minutes'　conversation；　for　the　sake　of　old　acquaintance？　　Well；　then；　for　the　sake　of　THE　LITTLE　IMAGE！〃　　The　appeal　seemed　to　have　lost　its　efficacy；　the　charm　was　broken；　she　remained　immoveable。　　〃Well；　then　I　must　come　to　you；　if　you　will　not　run　away。〃　　I　went　and　sat　down　in　a　chair　near　the　door；　and　took　her　hand；　and　talked　to　her　for　three　quarters　of　an　hour；　and　she　listened　patiently；　thoughtfully；　and　seemed　a　good　deal　affected　by　what　I　said。　　I　told　her　how　much　I　had　felt；　how　much　I　had　suffered　for　her　in　my　absence；　and　how　much　I　had　been　hurt　by　her　sudden　silence；　for　which　I　knew　not　how　to　account。　　I　could　have　done　nothing　to　offend　her　while　I　was　away；　and　my　letters　were；　I　hoped；　tender　and　respectful。　　I　had　had　but　one　thought　ever　present　with　me；　her　image　never　quitted　my　side；　alone　or　in　company；　to　delight　or　distract　me。　　Without　her　I　could　have　no　peace；　nor　ever　should　again；　unless　she　would　behave　to　me　as　she　had　done　formerly。　　There　was　no　abatement　of　my　regard　to　her；　why　was　she　so　changed？　　I　said　to　her；　〃Ah！　Sarah；　when　I　think　that　it　is　only　a　year　ago　that　you　were　everything　to　me　I　could　wish；　and　that　now　you　seem　lost　to　me　for　ever；　the　month　of　May　（the　name　of　which　ought　to　be　a　signal　for　joy　and　hope）　strikes　chill　to　my　heart。How　different　is　this　meeting　from　that　delicious　parting；　when　you　seemed　never　weary　of　repeating　the　proofs　of　your　regard　and　tenderness；　and　it　was　with　difficulty　we　tore　ourselves　asunder　at　last！　　I　am　ten　thousand　times　fonder　of　you　than　I　was　then；　and　ten　thousand　times　more　unhappy！〃　　〃You　have　no　reason　to　be　so；　my　feelings　towards　you　are　the　same　as　they　ever　were。〃　　I　told　her　〃She　was　my　all　of　hope　or　comfort：　my　passion　for　her　grew　stronger　every　time　I　saw　her。〃　　She　answered；　〃She　was　sorry　for　it；　for　THAT　she　never　could　return。〃　　I　said　something　about　looking　ill：　she　said　in　her　pretty；　mincing；　emphatic　way；　〃I　despise　looks！〃　　So；　thought　I；　it　is　not　that；　and　she　says　there's　no　one　else：　it　must　be　some　strange　air　she　gives　herself；　in　consequence　of　the　approaching　change　in　my　circumstances。　　She　has　been　probably　advised　not　to　give　up　till　all　is　fairly　over；　and　then　she　will　be　my　own　sweet　girl　again。　　All　this　time　she　was　standing　just　outside　the　door；　my　hand　in　hers　（would　that　they　could　have　grown　together！）　she　was　dressed　in　a　loose　morning…gown；　her　hair　curled　beautifully；　she　stood　with　her　profile　to　me；　and　looked　down　the　whole　time。　　No　expression　was　ever　more　soft　or　perfect。　　Her　whole　attitude；　her　whole　form；　was　dignity　and　bewitching　grace。　　I　said　to　her；　〃You　look　like　a　queen；　my　love；　adorned　with　your　own　graces！〃　　I　grew　idolatrous；　and　would　have　kneeled　to　her。　　She　made　a　movement；　as　if　she　was　displeased。　　I　tried　to　draw　her　towards　me。　　She　wouldn't。　　I　then　got　up；　and　offered　to　kiss　her　at　parting。　　I　found　she　obstinately　refused。　　This　stung　me　to　the　quick。　　It　was　the　first　time　in　her　life　she　had　ever　done　so。　　There　must　be　some　new　bar　between　us　to　produce　these　continued　denials；　and　she　had　not　even　esteem　enough　left　to　tell　me　so。　　I　followed　her　half…way　down…stairs；　but　to　no　purpose；　and　returned　into　my　room；　confirmed　in　my　most　dreadful　surmises。　　I　could　bear　it　no　longer。　　I　gave　way　to　all　the　fury　of　disappointed　hope　and　jealous　passion。　　I　was　made　the　dupe　of　trick　and　cunning；　killed　with　cold；　sullen　scorn；　and；　after　all　the　agony　I　had　suffered；　could　obtain　no　explanation　why　I　was　subjected　to　it。　　I　was　still　to　be　tantalized；　tortured；　made　the　cruel　sport　of　one；　for　whom　I　would　have　sacrificed　all。　　I　tore　the　locket　which　contained　her　hair　（and　which　I　used　to　wear　continually　in　my　bosom；　as　the　precious　token　of　her　dear　regard）　from　my　neck；　and　trampled　it　in　pieces。　　I　then　dashed　the　little　Buonaparte　on　the　ground；　and　stamped　upon　it；　as　one　of　her　instruments　of　mockery。　　I　could　not　stay　in　the　room；　I　could　not　leave　it；　my　rage；　my　despair　were　uncontroulable。　　I　shrieked　curses　on　her　name；　and　on　her　false　love；　and　the　scream　I　uttered　（so　pitiful　and　so　piercing　was　it；　that　the　sound　of　it　terrified　me）　instantly　brought　the　whole　house；　father；　mother；　lodgers　and　all；　into　the　room。　　They　thought　I　was　destroying　her　and　myself。　　I　had　gone　into　the　bedroom；　merely　to