liber amoris-第16部分

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　in　case　of　accidents。　　Again；　it　would　have　been　nothing；　if　she　had　not　come　up　with　her　demure；　well…composed；　wheedling　looks　that　morning；　and　then　met　me　in　the　evening　in　a　situation；　which　（she　believed）　might　kill　me　on　the　spot；　with　no　more　feeling　than　a　common　courtesan　shews；　who　BILKS　a　customer；　and　passes　him；　leering　up　at　her　bully；　the　moment　after。　　If　there　had　been　the　frailty　of　passion；　it　would　have　been　excusable；　but　it　is　evident　she　is　a　practised；　callous　jilt；　a　regular　lodging…house　decoy；　played　off　by　her　mother　upon　the　lodgers；　one　after　another；　applying　them　to　her　different　purposes；　laughing　at　them　in　turns；　and　herself　the　probable　dupe　and　victim　of　some　favourite　gallant　in　the　end。　　I　know　all　this；　but　what　do　I　gain　by　it；　unless　I　could　find　some　one　with　her　shape　and　air；　to　supply　the　place　of　the　lovely　apparition？　　That　a　professed　wanton　should　come　and　sit　on　a　man's　knee；　and　put　her　arms　round　his　neck；　and　caress　him；　and　seem　fond　of　him；　means　nothing；　proves　nothing；　no　one　concludes　anything　from　it；　but　that　a　pretty；　reserved；　modest；　delicate…looking　girl　should　do　this；　from　the　first　hour　to　the　last　of　your　being　in　the　house；　without　intending　anything　by　it；　is　new；　and；　I　think；　worth　explaining。　　It　was；　I　confess；　out　of　my　calculation；　and　may　be　out　of　that　of　others。　　Her　unmoved　indifference　and　self…possession　all　the　while；　shew　that　it　is　her　constant　practice。　　Her　look　even；　if　closely　examined；　bears　this　interpretation。　　It　is　that　of　studied　hypocrisy　or　startled　guilt；　rather　than　of　refined　sensibility　or　conscious　innocence。　　〃She　defied　anyone　to　read　her　thoughts？〃　she　once　told　me。　　〃Do　they　then　require　concealing？〃　I　imprudently　asked　her。　　The　command　over　herself　is　surprising。　　She　never　once　betrays　herself　by　any　momentary　forgetfulness；　by　any　appearance　of　triumph　or　superiority　to　the　person　who　is　her　dupe；　by　any　levity　of　manner　in　the　plenitude　of　her　success；　it　is　one　faultless；　undeviating；　consistent；　consummate　piece　of　acting。　　Were　she　a　saint　on　earth；　she　could　not　seem　more　like　one。　　Her　hypocritical　high…flown　pretensions；　indeed；　make　her　the　worse：　but　still　the　ascendancy　of　her　will；　her　determined　perseverance　in　what　she　undertakes　to　do；　has　something　admirable　in　it；　approaching　to　the　heroic。　　She　is　certainly　an　extraordinary　girl！　　Her　retired　manner；　and　invariable　propriety　of　behaviour　made　me　think　it　next　to　impossible　she　could　grant　the　same　favours　indiscriminately　to　every　one　that　she　did　to　me。　　Yet　this　now　appears　to　be　the　fact。　　She　must　have　done　the　very　same　with　C；　invited　him　into　the　house　to　carry　on　a　closer　intrigue　with　her；　and　then　commenced　the　double　game　with　both　together。　　She　always　〃despised　looks。〃　　This　was　a　favourite　phrase　with　her；　and　one　of　the　hooks　which　she　baited　for　me。　　Nothing　could　win　her　but　a　man's　behaviour　and　sentiments。　　Besides；　she　could　never　like　anothershe　was　a　martyr　to　disappointed　affectionand　friendship　was　all　she　could　even　extend　to　any　other　man。　　All　the　time；　she　was　making　signals；　playing　off　her　pretty　person；　and　having　occasional　interviews　in　the　street　with　this　very　man；　whom　she　could　only　have　taken　so　sudden　and　violent　a　liking　to　him　from　his　looks；　his　personal　appearance；　and　what　she　probably　conjectured　of　his　circumstances。　　Her　sister　had　married　a　counsellorthe　Miss　F's；　who　kept　the　house　before；　had　done　so　tooand　so　would　she。　　〃There　was　a　precedent　for　it。〃　　Yet　if　she　was　so　desperately　enamoured　of　this　new　acquaintance；　if　he　had　displaced　THE　LITTLE　IMAGE　from　her　breast；　if　he　was　become　her　SECOND　〃unalterable　attachment〃　（which　I　would　have　given　my　life　to　have　been）　why　continue　the　same　unwarrantable　familiarities　with　me　to　the　last；　and　promise　that　they　should　be　renewed　on　my　return　（if　I　had　not　unfortunately　stumbled　upon　the　truth　to　her　aunt）　and　yet　keep　up　the　same　refined　cant　about　her　old　attachment　all　the　time；　as　if　it　was　that　which　stood　in　the　way　of　my　pretensions；　and　not　her　faithlessness　to　it？　　〃If　one　swerves　from　one；　one　shall　swerve　from　another〃was　her　excuse　for　not　returning　my　regard。　　Yet　that　which　I　thought　a　prophecy；　was　I　suspect　a　history。　　She　had　swerved　twice　from　her　avowed　engagements；　first　to　me；　and　then　from　me　to　another。　　If　she　made　a　fool　of　me；　what　did　she　make　of　her　lover？　　I　fancy　he　has　put　that　question　to　himself。　　I　said　nothing　to　him　about　the　amount　of　the　presents；　which　is　another　damning　circumstance；　that　might　have　opened　my　eyes　long　before；　but　they　were　shut　by　my　fond　affection；　which　〃turned　all　to　favour　and　to　prettiness。〃　　She　cannot　be　supposed　to　have　kept　up　an　appearance　of　old　regard　to　me；　from　a　fear　of　hurting　my　feelings　by　her　desertion；　for　she　not　only　shewed　herself　indifferent　to；　but　evidently　triumphed　in　my　sufferings；　and　heaped　every　kind　of　insult　and　indignity　upon　them。　　I　must　have　incurred　her　contempt　and　resentment　by　my　mistaken　delicacy　at　different　times；　and　her　manner；　when　I　have　hinted　at　becoming　a　reformed　man　in　this　respect；　convinces　me　of　it。　　〃She　hated　it！〃　She　always　hated　whatever　she　liked　most。　　She　〃hated　Mr。　C's　red　slippers；〃　when　he　first　came！　　One　more　count　finishes　the　indictment。　　She　not　only　discovered　the　most　hardened　indifference　to　the　feelings　of　others；　she　has　not　shewn　the　least　regard　to　her　own　character；　or　shame　when　she　was　detected。　　When　found　out；　she　seemed　to　say；　〃Well；　what　if　I　am？　　I　have　played　the　game　as　long　as　I　could；　and　if　I　could　keep　it　up　no　longer；　it　was　not　for　want　of　good　will！〃　　Her　colouring　once　or　twice　is　the　only　sign　of　grace　she　has　exhibited。　　Such　is　the　creature　on　whom　I　had　thrown　away　my　heart　and　soul…one　who　was　incapable　of　feeling　the　commonest　emotions　of　human　nature；　as　they　regarded　herself　or　any　one　else。　　〃She　had　no　feelings　with　respect　to　herself；〃　she　often　said。　　She　in　fact　knows　what　she　is；　and　recoils　from　the　good　opinion　or　sympathy　of　others；　which　she　feels　to　be　founded　on　a　deception；　so　that　my　overweening　opinion　of　her　must　have　appeared　like　irony；　or　direct　insult。　　My　seeing　her　in　the　street　has　gone　a　good　way　to　satisfy　me。　　Her　manner　there　explains　her　manner　in…doors　to　be　conscious　and　overdone；　and　besides；　she　looks　but　indifferently。　　She　is　diminutive　in　stature；　and　her　measured　step　and　timid　air　do　not　suit　these　public　airings。　　I　am　afraid　she　will　soon　grow　common　to　my　imagination；　as　well　as　worthless　in　herself。　　Her　image　seems　fast　〃going　into　the　wastes　of　time；〃　like　a　weed　that　the　wave　bears　farther　and　farther　from　me。　　Alas！　thou　poor　hapless　weed；　when　I　entirely　lose　sight　of　thee；　and　for　ever；　no　flower　will　ever　bloom　on　earth　to　glad　my　heart　again！







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