liber amoris-第7部分

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　peace；　nor　ever　behold　my　little　boy's　face　with　pleasure　while　I　liveunless　I　am　restored　to　her　favour。　　Instead　of　that　delicious　feeling　I　had　when　she　was　heavenly…kind　to　me；　and　my　heart　softened　and　melted　in　its　own　tenderness　and　her　sweetness；　I　am　now　inclosed　in　a　dungeon　of　despair。　　The　sky　is　marble　to　my　thoughts；　nature　is　dead　around　me；　as　hope　is　within　me；　no　object　can　give　me　one　gleam　of　satisfaction　now；　nor　the　prospect　of　it　in　time　to　come。　　I　wander　by　the　sea…side；　and　the　eternal　ocean　and　lasting　despair　and　her　face　are　before　me。　　Slighted　by　her；　on　whom　my　heart　by　its　last　fibre　hung；　where　shall　I　turn？　　I　wake　with　her　by　my　side；　not　as　my　sweet　bedfellow；　but　as　the　corpse　of　my　love；　without　a　heart　in　her　bosom；　cold；　insensible；　or　struggling　from　me；　and　the　worm　gnaws　me；　and　the　sting　of　unrequited　love；　and　the　canker　of　a　hopeless；　endless　sorrow。　　I　have　lost　the　taste　of　my　food　by　feverish　anxiety；　and　my　favourite　beverage；　which　used　to　refresh　me　when　I　got　up；　has　no　moisture　in　it。　　Oh！　cold；　solitary；　sepulchral　breakfasts；　compared　with　those　which　I　promised　myself　with　her；　or　which　I　made　when　she　had　been　standing　an　hour　by　my　side；　my　guardian…angel；　my　wife；　my　sister；　my　sweet　friend；　my　Eve；　my　all；　and　had　blest　me　with　her　seraph　kisses！　　Ah！　what　I　suffer　at　present　only　shews　what　I　have　enjoyed。　　But　〃the　girl　is　a　good　girl；　if　there　is　goodness　in　human　nature。〃　　I　thank　you　for　those　words；　and　I　will　fall　down　and　worship　you；　if　you　can　prove　them　true：　and　I　would　not　do　much　less　for　him　that　proves　her　a　demon。　　She　is　one　or　the　other；　that's　certain；　but　I　fear　the　worst。　　Do　let　me　know　if　anything　has　passed：　suspense　is　my　greatest　punishment。　　I　am　going　into　the　country　to　see　if　I　can　work　a　little　in　the　three　weeks　I　have　yet　to　stay　here。　　Write　on　the　receipt　of　this；　and　believe　me　ever　your　unspeakably　obliged　friend。



TO　EDINBURGH





〃Stony…hearted〃　Edinburgh！　　What　art　thou　to　me？　　The　dust　of　thy　streets　mingles　with　my　tears　and　blinds　me。　　City　of　palaces；　or　of　tombsa　quarry；　rather　than　the　habitation　of　men！　　Art　thou　like　London；　that　populous　hive；　with　its　sunburnt；　well…baked；　brick…built　housesits　public　edifices；　its　theatres；　its　bridges；　its　squares；　its　ladies；　and　its　pomp；　its　throng　of　wealth；　its　outstretched　magnitude；　and　its　mighty　heart　that　never　lies　still？　　Thy　cold　grey　walls　reflect　back　the　leaden　melancholy　of　the　soul。　　The　square；　hard…edged；　unyielding　faces　of　thy　inhabitants　have　no　sympathy　to　impart。　　What　is　it　to　me　that　I　look　along　the　level　line　of　thy　tenantless　streets；　and　meet　perhaps　a　lawyer　like　a　grasshopper　chirping　and　skipping；　or　the　daughter　of　a　Highland　laird；　haughty；　fair；　and　freckled？　　Or　why　should　I　look　down　your　boasted　Prince's　Street；　with　the　beetle…browed　Castle　on　one　side；　and　the　Calton　Hill　with　its　proud　monument　at　the　further　end；　and　the　ridgy　steep　of　Salisbury　Crag；　cut　off　abruptly　by　Nature's　boldest　hand；　and　Arthur's　Seat　overlooking　all；　like　a　lioness　watching　her　cubs？　　Or　shall　I　turn　to　the　far…off　Pentland　Hills；　with　Craig…Crook　nestling　beneath　them；　where　lives　the　prince　of　critics　and　the　king　of　men？　　Or　cast　my　eye　unsated　over　the　Frith　of　Forth；　that　from　my　window　of　an　evening　（as　I　read　of　AMY　and　her　love）　glitters　like　a　broad　golden　mirror　in　the　sun；　and　kisses　the　winding　shores　of　kingly　Fife？　　Oh　no！　　But　to　thee；　to　thee　I　turn；　North　Berwick…Law；　with　thy　blue　cone　rising　out　of　summer　seas；　for　thou　art　the　beacon　of　my　banished　thoughts；　and　dost　point　my　way　to　her；　who　is　my　heart's　true　home。　　The　air　is　too　thin　for　me；　that　has　not　the　breath　of　Love　in　it；　that　is　not　embalmed　by　her　sighs！



A　THOUGHT





I　am　not　mad；　but　my　heart　is　so；　and　raves　within　me；　fierce　and　untameable；　like　a　panther　in　its　den；　and　tries　to　get　loose　to　its　lost　mate；　and　fawn　on　her　hand；　and　bend　lowly　at　her　feet。



ANOTHER





Oh！　thou　dumb　heart；　lonely；　sad；　shut　up　in　the　prison…house　of　this　rude　form；　that　hast　never　found　a　fellow　but　for　an　instant；　and　in　very　mockery　of　thy　misery；　speak；　find　bleeding　words　to　express　thy　thoughts；　break　thy　dungeon…gloom；　or　die　pronouncing　thy　Infelice's　name！



ANOTHER





Within　my　heart　is　lurking　suspicion；　and　base　fear；　and　shame　and　hate；　but　above　all；　tyrannous　love　sits　throned；　crowned　with　her　graces；　silent　and　in　tears。



LETTER　IX





My　dear　P；　You　have　been　very　kind　to　me　in　this　business；　but　I　fear　even　your　indulgence　for　my　infirmities　is　beginning　to　fail。　　To　what　a　state　am　I　reduced；　and　for　what？　　For　fancying　a　little　artful　vixen　to　be　an　angel　and　a　saint；　because　she　affected　to　look　like　one；　to　hide　her　rank　thoughts　and　deadly　purposes。　　Has　she　not　murdered　me　under　the　mask　of　the　tenderest　friendship？　　And　why？　　Because　I　have　loved　her　with　unutterable　love；　and　sought　to　make　her　my　wife。　　You　say　it　is　my　own　〃outrageous　conduct〃　that　has　estranged　her：　nay；　I　have　been　TOO　GENTLE　with　her。　　I　ask　you　first　in　candour　whether　the　ambiguity　of　her　behaviour　with　respect　to　me；　sitting　and　fondling　a　man　（circumstanced　as　I　was）　sometimes　for　half　a　day　together；　and　then　declaring　she　had　no　love　for　him　beyond　common　regard；　and　professing　never　to　marry；　was　not　enough　to　excite　my　suspicions；　which　the　different　exposures　from　the　conversations　below…stairs　were　not　calculated　to　allay？　　I　ask　you　what　you　yourself　would　have　felt　or　done；　if　loving　her　as　I　did；　you　had　heard　what　I　did；　time　after　time？　　Did　not　her　mother　own　to　one　of　the　grossest　charges　（which　I　shall　not　repeat）and　is　such　indelicacy　to　be　reconciled　with　her　pretended　character　（that　character　with　which　I　fell　in　love；　and　to　which　I　MADE　LOVE）　without　supposing　her　to　be　the　greatest　hypocrite　in　the　world？　　My　unpardonable　offence　has　been　that　I　took　her　at　her　word；　and　was　willing　to　believe　her　the　precise　little　puritanical　person　she　set　up　for。　　After　exciting　her　wayward　desires　by　the　fondest　embraces　and　the　purest　kisses；　as　if　she　had　been　〃made　my　wedded　wife　yestreen；〃　or　was　to　become　so　to…morrow　（for　that　was　always　my　feeling　with　respect　to　her）I　did　not　proceed　to　gratify　them；　or　to　follow　up　my　advantage　by　any　action　which　should　declare；　〃I　think　you　a　common　adventurer；　and　will　see　whether　you　are　so　or　not！〃　　Yet　any　one　but　a　credulous　fool　like　me　would　have　made　the　experiment；　with　whatever　violence　to　himself；　as　a　matter　of　life　and　death；　for　I　had　every　reason　to　distrust　appearances。　　Her　conduct　has　been　of　a　piece　from　the　beginning。　　In　the　midst　of　her　closest　and　falsest　endearments；　she　has　always　（with　one　or　two　exceptions）　disclaimed　the　natural　inference　to　be　drawn　from　them；　and　made　a　verbal　reservation；　by　which　she　might　lead　me　on　in　a　Fool's　Paradise；　and　make　me　the　tool　of　her　levity；　her　avarice；　and　her　love　of　intrigue　as　long　as　she　liked；　and　dismiss　me　whenever　it　suited　her。　　This；　you　see；　she　has　done；　because　my　intentions　grew　serious；　and　if　complied　with；　would　deprive　her　of　THE　PLEASURES　OF　A　SINGLE　LIFE！　　Offer　marriage　to　this　〃tradesman's　daughter；　who　has　as　nice　a　sense　of　honour　as　any　one　can　have；〃　and　like　Lady　Bellaston　in　Tom　Jones；　she　CUTS　you　immediately　in　a　fit　of　abhorrence　and　alarm。　　Yet　she　seemed　to　be　of　a　different　mind　formerly；　when　struggling　from　me　in　the　height　of　our　first　intimacy；　she　exclaimed〃However　I　might　agree　to　my　own　ruin；　I　never　will　consent　to　bring　disgrace　upon　my　family！〃　　That　I　should　have　spared　the　traitress　after　expressions　like　this；　astonishes　me　when　I　look　back　upon　it。　　Yet　if　it　were　all　to　do　over　again；　I　know　I　should　act　just　the　same　part。　　Such　is　her　power　over　me！　　I　cannot　run　the　least　risk　of　offending　herI　love　her　so。　　When　I　look　in　her　face；　I　cannot　doubt　her　truth！　　Wretched　being　that　I　am！　　I　have　thrown　away　my　heart　and　soul　upon　an　unfeeling　girl；　and　my　life　（that　might　have　been　so　happy；　had　she　been　what　I　thought　her）　will　soon　follow　either　voluntarily；　or　by　the　force　of　grief；　remorse；　and　disappointment。　　I　cannot　get　rid　of　the　reflection　for　an　instant；　nor　even　seek　relief　from　its　galling　pressure。　　Ah！　what　a　heart　she　has　lost！　　All　the　love　and　affection　of　my　whole　life　were　centred　in　her；　who　alone；　I　thought；　of　all　women　had　found　out　my　true　character；　and　knew　how　to　value　my　tenderness。　　Alas！　alas！　that　this；　the　only　hope；　joy；　or　comfort　I　ever　had；　should　turn　to　a　mockery；　and　hang　like　an　ugly　film　over　the　remainder　of　my　days！I　was　at　Roslin　Castle　yesterday。　　It　lies　low　in　a　rude；　but　sheltered　valley；　hid　from　the　vulgar　gaze；　and　powerfully　reminds　one　of　the　old　song。　　The　straggling　fragments　of　the　russet　ruins；　suspended　smiling　and　graceful　in　the　air　as　if　they　would　linger　out　another　century　to　please　the　curious　beholder；　the　green　larch…trees　trembling　between　with　the　blue　sky　and　white　silver　clouds；　the　wild　mountain　plants　starting　out　here　and　there；　the　date　of　the　year　on　an　old　low　door…way；　but　still　more；　the　beds　of　flowers　in　orderly　decay；　that　seem　to　have　no　hand　to　tend　them；　but　keep　up　a　sort　of　traditional　remembrance　of　civilization　in　former　ages；　present　altogether　a　delightful　and　amiable　subject　for　contemplation。　　The　exquisite　beauty　of　the　scene；　with　the　thought　of　what　I　should　feel；　should　I　ever　be　restored　to　her；　and　have　to　lead　her　through　such　places　as　my　adored；　my　angelwife；　almost　drove　me　beside　myself。　　For　this　picture；　this　ecstatic　vision；　what　have　I　of　late　instead　as　the　image　of　the　reality？　　Demoniacal　possessions。　　I　see　the　young　witch　seated　in　another's　lap；　twining　her　serpent　arms　round　him；　her　eye　glancing　and　her　cheeks　on　firewhy　does　not　the　hideous　thought　choke　me？　　Or　why　do　I　not　go　and　find　out　the　truth　at　once？　　The　moonlight　streams　over　the　silver　waters：　the　bark　is　in　the　bay　that　might　waft　me　to　her；　almost　with　a　wish。　　The　mountain…breeze　sighs　out　her　name：　old　ocean　with　a　world　of　tears　murmurs　back　my　woes！　　Does　not　my　heart　yearn　to　be　with　her；　and　shall　I　not　follow　its　bidding？　　No；　I　must　wait　till　I　am　free；　and　then　I　will　take　my　Freedom　（