the door in the wall-第3部分

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garden！



〃The　thing　whacked　upon　me　suddenly。　　Then；　after　all；　that　garden；

that　wonderful　garden；　wasn't　a　dream！〃　。　。　。　。



He　paused。



〃I　suppose　my　second　experience　with　the　green　door　marks　the

world　of　difference　there　is　between　the　busy　life　of　a　schoolboy

and　the　infinite　leisure　of　a　child。　　Anyhow；　this　second　time　I

didn't　for　a　moment　think　of　going　in　straight　away。　　You　see　。　。

。　　For　one　thing　my　mind　was　full　of　the　idea　of　getting　to　school

in　timeset　on　not　breaking　my　record　for　punctuality。　　I　must

surely　have　felt　SOME　little　desire　at　least　to　try　the

dooryes；　I　must　have　felt　that　。　。　。　。　。　　But　I　seem　to　remember

the　attraction　of　the　door　mainly　as　another　obstacle　to　my

overmastering　determination　to　get　to　school。　　I　was　immediately

interested　by　this　discovery　I　had　made；　of　courseI　went　on　with

my　mind　full　of　itbut　I　went　on。　　It　didn't　check　me。　　I　ran　past

tugging　out　my　watch；　found　I　had　ten　minutes　still　to　spare；　and

then　I　was　going　downhill　into　familiar　surroundings。　　I　got　to

school；　breathless；　it　is　true；　and　wet　with　perspiration；　but　in

time。　　I　can　remember　hanging　up　my　coat　and　hat　。　。　。　Went　right

by　it　and　left　it　behind　me。　　Odd；　eh？〃



He　looked　at　me　thoughtfully。　　〃Of　course；　I　didn't　know　then

that　it　wouldn't　always　be　there。　　School　boys　have　limited

imaginations。　　I　suppose　I　thought　it　was　an　awfully　jolly　thing　to

have　it　there；　to　know　my　way　back　to　it；　but　there　was　the　school

tugging　at　me。　　I　expect　I　was　a　good　deal　distraught　and

inattentive　that　morning；　recalling　what　I　could　of　the　beautiful

strange　people　I　should　presently　see　again。　　Oddly　enough　I　had　no

doubt　in　my　mind　that　they　would　be　glad　to　see　me　。　。　。　Yes；　I

must　have　thought　of　the　garden　that　morning　just　as　a　jolly　sort

of　place　to　which　one　might　resort　in　the　interludes　of　a　strenuous

scholastic　career。



〃I　didn't　go　that　day　at　all。　　The　next　day　was　a　half

holiday；　and　that　may　have　weighed　with　me。　　Perhaps；　too；　my　state

of　inattention　brought　down　impositions　upon　me　and　docked　the

margin　of　time　necessary　for　the　detour。　　I　don't　know。　　What　I　do

know　is　that　in　the　meantime　the　enchanted　garden　was　so　much　upon

my　mind　that　I　could　not　keep　it　to　myself。



〃I　toldWhat　was　his　name？a　ferrety…looking　youngster　we

used　to　call　Squiff。〃



〃Young　Hopkins；〃　said　I。



〃Hopkins　it　was。　　I　did　not　like　telling　him；　I　had　a　feeling

that　in　some　way　it　was　against　the　rules　to　tell　him；　but　I　did。　

He　was　walking　part　of　the　way　home　with　me；　he　was　talkative；　and

if　we　had　not　talked　about　the　enchanted　garden　we　should　have

talked　of　something　else；　and　it　was　intolerable　to　me　to　think

about　any　other　subject。　　So　I　blabbed。



〃Well；　he　told　my　secret。　　The　next　day　in　the　play　interval

I　found　myself　surrounded　by　half　a　dozen　bigger　boys；　half　teasing

and　wholly　curious　to　hear　more　of　the　enchanted　garden。　　There　was

that　big　Fawcettyou　remember　him？and　Carnaby　and　Morley

Reynolds。　　You　weren't　there　by　any　chance？　　No；　I　think　I　should

have　remembered　if　you　were　。　。　。　。　。



〃A　boy　is　a　creature　of　odd　feelings。　　I　was；　I　really

believe；　in　spite　of　my　secret　self…disgust；　a　little　flattered　to

have　the　attention　of　these　big　fellows。　　I　remember　particularly

a　moment　of　pleasure　caused　by　the　praise　of　Crawshawyou　remember

Crawshaw　major；　the　son　of　Crawshaw　the　composer？who　said　it　was

the　best　lie　he　had　ever　heard。　　But　at　the　same　time　there　was　a

really　painful　undertow　of　shame　at　telling　what　I　felt　was　indeed

a　sacred　secret。　　That　beast　Fawcett　made　a　joke　about　the　girl　in

green。〃



Wallace's　voice　sank　with　the　keen　memory　of　that　shame。　　〃I

pretended　not　to　hear；〃　he　said。　　〃Well；　then　Carnaby　suddenly

called　me　a　young　liar　and　disputed　with　me　when　I　said　the　thing

was　true。　　I　said　I　knew　where　to　find　the　green　door；　could　lead

them　all　there　in　ten　minutes。　　　Carnaby　became　outrageously

virtuous；　and　said　I'd　have　toand　bear　out　my　words　or　suffer。　

Did　you　ever　have　Carnaby　twist　your　arm？　　Then　perhaps　you'll

understand　how　it　went　with　me。　　I　swore　my　story　was　true。　　There

was　nobody　in　the　school　then　to　save　a　chap　from　Carnaby　though

Crawshaw　put　in　a　word　or　so。　　Carnaby　had　got　his　game。　　I　grew

excited　and　red…eared；　and　a　little　frightened；　I　behaved

altogether　like　a　silly　little　chap；　and　the　outcome　of　it　all　was

that　instead　of　starting　alone　for　my　enchanted　garden；　I　led　the

way　presentlycheeks　flushed；　ears　hot；　eyes　smarting；　and　my　soul

one　burning　misery　and　shamefor　a　party　of　six　mocking；　curious

and　threatening　school…fellows。



〃We　never　found　the　white　wall　and　the　green　door　。　。　。〃



〃You　mean？〃



〃I　mean　I　couldn't　find　it。　　I　would　have　found　it　if　I　could。



〃And　afterwards　when　I　could　go　alone　I　couldn't　find　it。　　I

never　found　it。　I　seem　now　to　have　been　always　looking　for　it

through　my　school…boy　days；　but　I've　never　come　upon　it　again。〃



〃Did　the　fellowsmake　it　disagreeable？〃



〃Beastly　。　。　。　。　。　　Carnaby　held　a　council　over　me　for　wanton

lying。　　I　remember　how　I　sneaked　home　and　upstairs　to　hide　the

marks　of　my　blubbering。　　But　when　I　cried　myself　to　sleep　at　last

it　wasn't　for　Carnaby；　but　for　the　garden；　for　the　beautiful

afternoon　I　had　hoped　for；　for　the　sweet　friendly　women　and　the

waiting　playfellows　and　the　game　I　had　hoped　to　learn　again；　that

beautiful　forgotten　game　。　。　。　。　。



〃I　believed　firmly　that　if　I　had　not　told　。　。　。　。　。　　I　had

bad　times　after　thatcrying　at　night　and　woolgathering　by　day。　

For　two　terms　I　slackened　and　had　bad　reports。　　Do　you　remember？　

Of　course　you　would！　　It　was　YOUyour　beating　me　in

mathematics　that　brought　me　back　to　the　grind　again。〃





III





For　a　time　my　friend　stared　silently　into　the　red　heart　of　the

fire。　　Then　he　said：　〃I　never　saw　it　again　until　I　was　seventeen。



〃It　leapt　upon　me　for　the　third　timeas　I　was　driving　to

Paddington　on　my　way　to　Oxford　and　a　scholarship。　　I　had　just　one

momentary　glimpse。　　I　was　leaning　over　the　apron　of　my　hansom

smoking　a　cigarette；　and　no　doubt　thinking　myself　no　end　of　a　man

of　the　world；　and　suddenly　there　was　the　door；　the　wall；　the　dear

sense　of　unforgettable　and　still　attainable　things。



〃We　clattered　byI　too　taken　by　surprise　to　stop　my　cab　until

we　were　well　past　and　round　a　corner。　　Then　I　had　a　queer　moment；

a　double　and　divergent　movement　of　my　will：　I　tapped　the　little

door　in　the　roof　of　the　cab；　and　brought　my　arm　down　to　pull　out　my

watch。　　'Yes；　sir！'　said　the　cabman；　smartly。　　'Er　wellit's

nothing；'　I　cried。　　'MY　mistake！　　We　haven't　much　time！　　Go

on！'　and　he　went　on　。　。　。



〃I　got　my　scholarship。　　And　the　night　after　I　was　told　of　that

I　sat　over　my　fire　in　my　little　upper　room；　my　study；　in　my

father's　house；　with　his　praisehis　rare　praiseand　his　sound

counsels　ringing　in　my　ears；　and　I　smoked　my　favourite　pipethe

formidable　bulldog　of　adolescenceand　thought　of　that　door　in　the

long　white　wall。　　'If　I　had　stopped；'　I　thought；　'I　should　have

missed　my　scholarship；　I　should　have　missed　Oxfordmuddled　all　the

fine　career　before　me！　　I　begin　to　see　things　better！'　I　fell

musing　deeply；　but　I　did　not　doubt　then　this　career　of　mine　was　a

thing　that　merited　sacrifice。



〃Those　dear　friends　and　that　clear　atmosphere　seemed　very

sweet　to　me；　very　fine；　but　remote。　　My　grip　was　fixing　now　upon

the　world。　　I　saw　another　door　openingthe　door　of　my　career。〃



He　stared　again　into　the　fire。　　Its　red　lights　picked　out　a

stubborn　strength　in　his　face　for　just　one　flickering　moment；　and

then　it　vanished　again。



〃Well〃；　he　said　and　sighed；　〃I　have　served　that　career。　　I

have　donemuch　work；　much　hard　work。　　But　I　have　dreamt　of　the

enchanted　garden　a　thousand　dreams；　and　seen　its　door；　or　at　least

glimpsed　its　door；　four　times　since　then。　　Yesfour　times。　　For　a

while　this　world　was　so　bright　and　interesting；　seemed　so　full　of

meaning　and　opportunity　that　the　half…effaced　charm　of　the　garden

was　by　comparison　gentle　and　remote。　　Who　wants　to　pat　panthers　on

the　way　to　dinner　with　pretty　women　and　distinguished　men？　　I　came

down　to　London　from　Oxford；　a　man　of　bold　promise　that　I　have　done

something　to　redeem。　　Somethingand　yet　there　have　been

disappointments　。　。　。　。　。



〃Twice　I　have　been　in　loveI　will　not　dwell　on　thatbut

once；　as　I　went　to　someone　who；　I　know；　doubted　whether　I　dared　to

come；　I　took　a　short　cut　at　a　venture　through　an　unfrequented　road

near　Earl's　Court；　and　so　happened　on　a　white　wall　and　a　familiar

green　door。　　'Odd！'　said　I　to　myself；　'but　I　thought　this　place　was

on　Campden　Hill。　　It's　the　place　I　never　could　find　somehowlike

counting　Stonehengethe　place　of　that　queer　day　dream　of　mine。'

And　I　went　by　it　intent　upon　my　purpose。　　It　had　no　appeal　to　me

that　afternoon。



〃I　had　just　a　moment's　impulse　to　try　the　door；　three　steps

aside　were　needed　at　the　mostthough　I　was　sure　enough　in　my　heart

that　it　would　open　to　meand　then　I　thought　that　doing　so　might

delay　me　on　the　way　to　that　appointment　in　which　I　thought　my

honour　was　involved。　　Afterwards　I　was　sorry　for　my　punctualityI

might　at　least　have　peeped　in　I　thought；　and　waved　a　hand　to　those

panthers；　but　I　knew　enough　by　this　time　not　to　seek　again

belatedly　that　which　is　not　found　by　seeking。　　Yes；　that　time　made

me　very　sorry　。　。　。　。　。



〃Years　of　hard　work　after　that　and　never　a　sight　of　the　door。　

It's　only　recently　it　has　come　back　to　me。　　With　it　there　has　come

a　sense　as　though　some　thin　tarnish　had　spread　itself　over　my

world。　　I　began　to　think　of　it　as　a　sorrowful　and　bitter　thing　that

I　should　never　see　that　door　again。　　Perhaps　I　was　suffering　a

little　from　overworkperhaps　it　was　what　I've　heard　spoken　of　as

the　feeling　of　forty。　　I　don't　know。　　But　certainly　the　keen

brightness　that　makes　effort　easy　has　gone　out　of　things