sketches of young couples-第3部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！



his　parents；　would　be　to　any　visitor　an　unspeakable　relief　and

consolation。



The　formal　couple　are　always　sticklers　for　what　is　rigidly　proper；

and　have　a　great　readiness　in　detecting　hidden　impropriety　of

speech　or　thought；　which　by　less　scrupulous　people　would　be　wholly

unsuspected。　　Thus；　if　they　pay　a　visit　to　the　theatre；　they　sit

all　night　in　a　perfect　agony　lest　anything　improper　or　immoral

should　proceed　from　the　stage；　and　if　anything　should　happen　to　be

said　which　admits　of　a　double　construction；　they　never　fail　to　take

it　up　directly；　and　to　express　by　their　looks　the　great　outrage

which　their　feelings　have　sustained。　　Perhaps　this　is　their　chief

reason　for　absenting　themselves　almost　entirely　from　places　of

public　amusement。　　They　go　sometimes　to　the　Exhibition　of　the　Royal

Academy；　…　but　that　is　often　more　shocking　than　the　stage　itself；

and　the　formal　lady　thinks　that　it　really　is　high　time　Mr。　Etty　was

prosecuted　and　made　a　public　example　of。



We　made　one　at　a　christening　party　not　long　since；　where　there　were

amongst　the　guests　a　formal　couple；　who　suffered　the　acutest

torture　from　certain　jokes；　incidental　to　such　an　occasion；　cut　…

and　very　likely　dried　also　…　by　one　of　the　godfathers；　a　red…faced

elderly　gentleman；　who；　being　highly　popular　with　the　rest　of　the

company；　had　it　all　his　own　way；　and　was　in　great　spirits。　　It　was

at　supper…time　that　this　gentleman　came　out　in　full　force。　　We　…

being　of　a　grave　and　quiet　demeanour　…　had　been　chosen　to　escort

the　formal　lady　down…stairs；　and；　sitting　beside　her；　had　a

favourable　opportunity　of　observing　her　emotions。



We　have　a　shrewd　suspicion　that；　in　the　very　beginning；　and　in　the

first　blush　…　literally　the　first　blush　…　of　the　matter；　the　formal

lady　had　not　felt　quite　certain　whether　the　being　present　at　such　a

ceremony；　and　encouraging；　as　it　were；　the　public　exhibition　of　a

baby；　was　not　an　act　involving　some　degree　of　indelicacy　and

impropriety；　but　certain　we　are　that　when　that　baby's　health　was

drunk；　and　allusions　were　made；　by　a　grey…headed　gentleman

proposing　it；　to　the　time　when　he　had　dandled　in　his　arms　the　young

Christian's　mother；　…　certain　we　are　that　then　the　formal　lady　took

the　alarm；　and　recoiled　from　the　old　gentleman　as　from　a　hoary

profligate。　　Still　she　bore　it；　she　fanned　herself　with　an

indignant　air；　but　still　she　bore　it。　　A　comic　song　was　sung；

involving　a　confession　from　some　imaginary　gentleman　that　he　had

kissed　a　female；　and　yet　the　formal　lady　bore　it。　　But　when　at

last；　the　health　of　the　godfather　before…mentioned　being　drunk；　the

godfather　rose　to　return　thanks；　and　in　the　course　of　his

observations　darkly　hinted　at　babies　yet　unborn；　and　even

contemplated　the　possibility　of　the　subject　of　that　festival　having

brothers　and　sisters；　the　formal　lady　could　endure　no　more；　but；

bowing　slightly　round；　and　sweeping　haughtily　past　the　offender；

left　the　room　in　tears；　under　the　protection　of　the　formal

gentleman。







THE　LOVING　COUPLE







There　cannot　be　a　better　practical　illustration　of　the　wise　saw　and

ancient　instance；　that　there　may　be　too　much　of　a　good　thing；　than

is　presented　by　a　loving　couple。　　Undoubtedly　it　is　meet　and　proper

that　two　persons　joined　together　in　holy　matrimony　should　be

loving；　and　unquestionably　it　is　pleasant　to　know　and　see　that　they

are　so；　but　there　is　a　time　for　all　things；　and　the　couple　who

happen　to　be　always　in　a　loving　state　before　company；　are　well…nigh

intolerable。



And　in　taking　up　this　position　we　would　have　it　distinctly

understood　that　we　do　not　seek　alone　the　sympathy　of　bachelors；　in

whose　objection　to　loving　couples　we　recognise　interested　motives

and　personal　considerations。　　We　grant　that　to　that　unfortunate

class　of　society　there　may　be　something　very　irritating；

tantalising；　and　provoking；　in　being　compelled　to　witness　those

gentle　endearments　and　chaste　interchanges　which　to　loving　couples

are　quite　the　ordinary　business　of　life。　　But　while　we　recognise

the　natural　character　of　the　prejudice　to　which　these　unhappy　men

are　subject；　we　can　neither　receive　their　biassed　evidence；　nor

address　ourself　to　their　inflamed　and　angered　minds。　　Dispassionate

experience　is　our　only　guide；　and　in　these　moral　essays　we　seek　no

less　to　reform　hymeneal　offenders　than　to　hold　out　a　timely　warning

to　all　rising　couples；　and　even　to　those　who　have　not　yet　set　forth

upon　their　pilgrimage　towards　the　matrimonial　market。



Let　all　couples；　present　or　to　come；　therefore　profit　by　the

example　of　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Leaver；　themselves　a　loving　couple　in　the

first　degree。



Mr。　and　Mrs。　Leaver　are　pronounced　by　Mrs。　Starling；　a　widow　lady

who　lost　her　husband　when　she　was　young；　and　lost　herself　about　the

same…time　…　for　by　her　own　count　she　has　never　since　grown　five

years　older　…　to　be　a　perfect　model　of　wedded　felicity。　　'You　would

suppose；'　says　the　romantic　lady；　'that　they　were　lovers　only　just

now　engaged。　　Never　was　such　happiness！　　They　are　so　tender；　so

affectionate；　so　attached　to　each　other；　so　enamoured；　that

positively　nothing　can　be　more　charming！'



'Augusta；　my　soul；'　says　Mr。　Leaver。　　'Augustus；　my　life；'　replies

Mrs。　Leaver。　　'Sing　some　little　ballad；　darling；'　quoth　Mr。　Leaver。

'I　couldn't；　indeed；　dearest；'　returns　Mrs。　Leaver。　　'Do；　my　dove；'

says　Mr。　Leaver。　　'I　couldn't　possibly；　my　love；'　replies　Mrs。

Leaver；　'and　it's　very　naughty　of　you　to　ask　me。'　　'Naughty；

darling！'　cries　Mr。　Leaver。　　'Yes；　very　naughty；　and　very　cruel；'

returns　Mrs。　Leaver；　'for　you　know　I　have　a　sore　throat；　and　that

to　sing　would　give　me　great　pain。　　You're　a　monster；　and　I　hate

you。　　Go　away！'　　Mrs。　Leaver　has　said　'go　away；'　because　Mr。　Leaver

has　tapped　her　under　the　chin：　　Mr。　Leaver　not　doing　as　he　is　bid；

but　on　the　contrary；　sitting　down　beside　her；　Mrs。　Leaver　slaps　Mr。

Leaver；　and　Mr。　Leaver　in　return　slaps　Mrs。　Leaver；　and　it　being

now　time　for　all　persons　present　to　look　the　other　way；　they　look

the　other　way；　and　hear　a　still　small　sound　as　of　kissing；　at　which

Mrs。　Starling　is　thoroughly　enraptured；　and　whispers　her　neighbour

that　if　all　married　couples　were　like　that；　what　a　heaven　this

earth　would　be！



The　loving　couple　are　at　home　when　this　occurs；　and　maybe　only

three　or　four　friends　are　present；　but；　unaccustomed　to　reserve

upon　this　interesting　point；　they　are　pretty　much　the　same　abroad。

Indeed　upon　some　occasions；　such　as　a　pic…nic　or　a　water…party；

their　lovingness　is　even　more　developed；　as　we　had　an　opportunity

last　summer　of　observing　in　person。



There　was　a　great　water…party　made　up　to　go　to　Twickenham　and　dine；

and　afterwards　dance　in　an　empty　villa　by　the　river…side；　hired

expressly　for　the　purpose。　　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Leaver　were　of　the

company；　and　it　was　our　fortune　to　have　a　seat　in　the　same　boat；

which　was　an　eight…oared　galley；　manned　by　amateurs；　with　a　blue

striped　awning　of　the　same　pattern　as　their　Guernsey　shirts；　and　a

dingy　red　flag　of　the　same　shade　as　the　whiskers　of　the　stroke　oar。

A　coxswain　being　appointed；　and　all　other　matters　adjusted；　the

eight　gentlemen　threw　themselves　into　strong　paroxysms；　and　pulled

up　with　the　tide；　stimulated　by　the　compassionate　remarks　of　the

ladies；　who　one　and　all　exclaimed；　that　it　seemed　an　immense

exertion　…　as　indeed　it　did。　　At　first　we　raced　the　other　boat；

which　came　alongside　in　gallant　style；　but　this　being　found　an

unpleasant　amusement；　as　giving　rise　to　a　great　quantity　of

splashing；　and　rendering　the　cold　pies　and　other　viands　very　moist；

it　was　unanimously　voted　down；　and　we　were　suffered　to　shoot　a…

head；　while　the　second　boat　followed　ingloriously　in　our　wake。



It　was　at　this　time　that　we　first　recognised　Mr。　Leaver。　　There

were　two　firemen…watermen　in　the　boat；　lying　by　until　somebody　was

exhausted；　and　one　of　them；　who　had　taken　upon　himself　the

direction　of　affairs；　was　heard　to　cry　in　a　gruff　voice；　'Pull

away；　number　two　…　give　it　her；　number　two　…　take　a　longer　reach；

number　two　…　now；　number　two；　sir；　think　you're　winning　a　boat。'

The　greater　part　of　the　company　had　no　doubt　begun　to　wonder　which

of　the　striped　Guernseys　it　might　be　that　stood　in　need　of　such

encouragement；　when　a　stifled　shriek　from　Mrs。　Leaver　confirmed　the

doubtful　and　informed　the　ignorant；　and　Mr。　Leaver；　still　further

disguised　in　a　straw　hat　and　no　neckcloth；　was　observed　to　be　in　a

fearful　perspiration；　and　failing　visibly。　　Nor　was　the　general

consternation　diminished　at　this　instant　by　the　same　gentleman　（in

the　performance　of　an　accidental　aquatic　feat；　termed　'catching　a

crab'）　plunging　suddenly　backward；　and　displaying　nothing　of

himself　to　the　company；　but　two　violently　struggling　legs。　　Mrs。

Leaver　shrieked　again　several　times；　and　cried　piteously　…　'Is　he

dead？　　Tell　me　the　worst。　　Is　he　dead？'



Now；　a　moment's　reflection　might　have　convinced　the　loving　wife；

that　unless　her　husband　were　endowed　with　some　most　surprising

powers　of　muscular　action；　he　never　could　be　dead　while　he　kicked

so　hard；　but　still　Mrs。　Leaver　cried；　'Is　he　dead？　is　he　dead？'　and

still　everybody　else　cried　…　'No；　no；　no；'　until　such　time　as　Mr。

Leaver　was　replaced　in　a　sitting　posture；　and　his　oar　（which　had

been　going　through　all　kinds　of　wrong…headed　performances　on　its

own　account）　was　once　more　put　in　his　hand；　by　the　exertions　of　the

two　firemen…watermen。　　Mr。　Leaver　then　exclaimed；　'Augustus；　my

child；　come　to　me；'　and　Mr。　Leaver　said；　'Augusta；　my　love；　compose

yourself；　I　am　not　injured。'　　But　Mrs。　Leaver　cried　again　more

piteously　than　before；　'Augustus；　my　child；　come　to　me；'　and　now

the　company　generally；　who　seemed　to　be　apprehensive　that　if　Mr。

Leaver　remained　where　he　was；　he　might　contribute　more　than　his

proper　share　towards　the　drowning　of　the　party；　disinterestedly

took　part　with　Mrs。　Leaver；　and　said　he　really　ought　to　go；　and

that　he　was　not　strong　eno