sketches of young couples-第4部分

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took　part　with　Mrs。　Leaver；　and　said　he　really　ought　to　go；　and

that　he　was　not　strong　enough　for　such　violent　exercise；　and　ought

never　to　have　undertaken　it。　　Reluctantly；　Mr。　Leaver　went；　and

laid　himself　down　at　Mrs。　Leaver's　feet；　and　Mrs。　Leaver　stooping

over　him；　said；　'Oh　Augustus；　how　could　you　terrify　me　so？'　and　Mr。

Leaver　said；　'Augusta；　my　sweet；　I　never　meant　to　terrify　you；'　and

Mrs。　Leaver　said；　'You　are　faint；　my　dear；'　and　Mr。　Leaver　said；　'I

am　rather　so；　my　love；'　and　they　were　very　loving　indeed　under　Mrs。

Leaver's　veil；　until　at　length　Mr。　Leaver　came　forth　again；　and

pleasantly　asked　if　he　had　not　heard　something　said　about　bottled

stout　and　sandwiches。



Mrs。　Starling；　who　was　one　of　the　party；　was　perfectly　delighted

with　this　scene；　and　frequently　murmured　half…aside；　'What　a　loving

couple　you　are！'　or　'How　delightful　it　is　to　see　man　and　wife　so

happy　together！'　　To　us　she　was　quite　poetical；　（for　we　are　a　kind

of　cousins；）　observing　that　hearts　beating　in　unison　like　that　made

life　a　paradise　of　sweets；　and　that　when　kindred　creatures　were

drawn　together　by　sympathies　so　fine　and　delicate；　what　more　than

mortal　happiness　did　not　our　souls　partake！　　To　all　this　we

answered　'Certainly；'　or　'Very　true；'　or　merely　sighed；　as　the　case

might　be。　　At　every　new　act　of　the　loving　couple；　the　widow's

admiration　broke　out　afresh；　and　when　Mrs。　Leaver　would　not　permit

Mr。　Leaver　to　keep　his　hat　off；　lest　the　sun　should　strike　to　his

head；　and　give　him　a　brain　fever；　Mrs。　Starling　actually　shed

tears；　and　said　it　reminded　her　of　Adam　and　Eve。



The　loving　couple　were　thus　loving　all　the　way　to　Twickenham；　but

when　we　arrived　there　（by　which　time　the　amateur　crew　looked　very

thirsty　and　vicious）　they　were　more　playful　than　ever；　for　Mrs。

Leaver　threw　stones　at　Mr。　Leaver；　and　Mr。　Leaver　ran　after　Mrs。

Leaver　on　the　grass；　in　a　most　innocent　and　enchanting　manner。　　At

dinner；　too；　Mr。　Leaver　WOULD　steal　Mrs。　Leaver's　tongue；　and　Mrs。

Leaver　WOULD　retaliate　upon　Mr。　Leaver's　fowl；　and　when　Mrs。　Leaver

was　going　to　take　some　lobster　salad；　Mr。　Leaver　wouldn't　let　her

have　any；　saying　that　it　made　her　ill；　and　she　was　always　sorry　for

it　afterwards；　which　afforded　Mrs。　Leaver　an　opportunity　of

pretending　to　be　cross；　and　showing　many　other　prettinesses。　　But

this　was　merely　the　smiling　surface　of　their　loves；　not　the　mighty

depths　of　the　stream；　down　to　which　the　company；　to　say　the　truth；

dived　rather　unexpectedly；　from　the　following　accident。　　It　chanced

that　Mr。　Leaver　took　upon　himself　to　propose　the　bachelors　who　had

first　originated　the　notion　of　that　entertainment；　in　doing　which；

he　affected　to　regret　that　he　was　no　longer　of　their　body　himself；

and　pretended　grievously　to　lament　his　fallen　state。　　This　Mrs。

Leaver's　feelings　could　not　brook；　even　in　jest；　and　consequently；

exclaiming　aloud；　'He　loves　me　not；　he　loves　me　not！'　she　fell　in　a

very　pitiable　state　into　the　arms　of　Mrs。　Starling；　and；　directly

becoming　insensible；　was　conveyed　by　that　lady　and　her　husband　into

another　room。　　Presently　Mr。　Leaver　came　running　back　to　know　if

there　was　a　medical　gentleman　in　company；　and　as　there　was；　（in

what　company　is　there　not？）　both　Mr。　Leaver　and　the　medical

gentleman　hurried　away　together。



The　medical　gentleman　was　the　first　who　returned；　and　among　his

intimate　friends　he　was　observed　to　laugh　and　wink；　and　look　as

unmedical　as　might　be；　but　when　Mr。　Leaver　came　back　he　was　very

solemn；　and　in　answer　to　all　inquiries；　shook　his　head；　and

remarked　that　Augusta　was　far　too　sensitive　to　be　trifled　with　…　an

opinion　which　the　widow　subsequently　confirmed。　　Finding　that　she

was　in　no　imminent　peril；　however；　the　rest　of　the　party　betook

themselves　to　dancing　on　the　green；　and　very　merry　and　happy　they

were；　and　a　vast　quantity　of　flirtation　there　was；　the　last

circumstance　being　no　doubt　attributable；　partly　to　the　fineness　of

the　weather；　and　partly　to　the　locality；　which　is　well　known　to　be

favourable　to　all　harmless　recreations。



In　the　bustle　of　the　scene；　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Leaver　stole　down　to　the

boat；　and　disposed　themselves　under　the　awning；　Mrs。　Leaver

reclining　her　head　upon　Mr。　Leaver's　shoulder；　and　Mr。　Leaver

grasping　her　hand　with　great　fervour；　and　looking　in　her　face　from

time　to　time　with　a　melancholy　and　sympathetic　aspect。　　The　widow

sat　apart；　feigning　to　be　occupied　with　a　book；　but　stealthily

observing　them　from　behind　her　fan；　and　the　two　firemen…watermen；

smoking　their　pipes　on　the　bank　hard　by；　nudged　each　other；　and

grinned　in　enjoyment　of　the　joke。　　Very　few　of　the　party　missed　the

loving　couple；　and　the　few　who　did；　heartily　congratulated　each

other　on　their　disappearance。







THE　CONTRADICTORY　COUPLE







One　would　suppose　that　two　people　who　are　to　pass　their　whole　lives

together；　and　must　necessarily　be　very　often　alone　with　each　other；

could　find　little　pleasure　in　mutual　contradiction；　and　yet　what　is

more　common　than　a　contradictory　couple？



The　contradictory　couple　agree　in　nothing　but　contradiction。　　They

return　home　from　Mrs。　Bluebottle's　dinner…party；　each　in　an

opposite　corner　of　the　coach；　and　do　not　exchange　a　syllable　until

they　have　been　seated　for　at　least　twenty　minutes　by　the　fireside

at　home；　when　the　gentleman；　raising　his　eyes　from　the　stove；　all

at　once　breaks　silence：



'What　a　very　extraordinary　thing　it　is；'　says　he；　'that　you　WILL

contradict；　Charlotte！'　　'I　contradict！'　cries　the　lady；　'but

that's　just　like　you。'　　'What's　like　me？'　says　the　gentleman

sharply。　　'Saying　that　I　contradict　you；'　replies　the　lady。　　'Do

you　mean　to　say　that　you　do　NOT　contradict　me？'　retorts　the

gentleman；　'do　you　mean　to　say　that　you　have　not　been　contradicting

me　the　whole　of　this　day？'　　'Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　now；　that　you

have　not？　　I　mean　to　tell　you　nothing　of　the　kind；'　replies　the

lady　quietly；　'when　you　are　wrong；　of　course　I　shall　contradict

you。'



During　this　dialogue　the　gentleman　has　been　taking　his　brandy…and…

water　on　one　side　of　the　fire；　and　the　lady；　with　her　dressing…case

on　the　table；　has　been　curling　her　hair　on　the　other。　　She　now　lets

down　her　back　hair；　and　proceeds　to　brush　it；　preserving　at　the

same　time　an　air　of　conscious　rectitude　and　suffering　virtue；　which

is　intended　to　exasperate　the　gentleman　…　and　does　so。



'I　do　believe；'　he　says；　taking　the　spoon　out　of　his　glass；　and

tossing　it　on　the　table；　'that　of　all　the　obstinate；　positive；

wrong…headed　creatures　that　were　ever　born；　you　are　the　most　so；

Charlotte。'　　'Certainly；　certainly；　have　it　your　own　way；　pray。

You　see　how　much　I　contradict　you；'　rejoins　the　lady。　　'Of　course；

you　didn't　contradict　me　at　dinner…time　…　oh　no；　not　you！'　says　the

gentleman。　　'Yes；　I　did；'　says　the　lady。　　'Oh；　you　did；'　cries　the

gentleman　'you　admit　that？'　　'If　you　call　that　contradiction；　I

do；'　the　lady　answers；　'and　I　say　again；　Edward；　that　when　I　know

you　are　wrong；　I　will　contradict　you。　　I　am　not　your　slave。'　　'Not

my　slave！'　repeats　the　gentleman　bitterly；　'and　you　still　mean　to

say　that　in　the　Blackburns'　new　house　there　are　not　more　than

fourteen　doors；　including　the　door　of　the　wine…cellar！'　　'I　mean　to

say；'　retorts　the　lady；　beating　time　with　her　hair…brush　on　the

palm　of　her　hand；　'that　in　that　house　there　are　fourteen　doors　and

no　more。'　　'Well　then　…　'　cries　the　gentleman；　rising　in　despair；

and　pacing　the　room　with　rapid　strides。　　'By　G…；　this　is　enough　to

destroy　a　man's　intellect；　and　drive　him　mad！'



By　and　by　the　gentleman　comes…to　a　little；　and　passing　his　hand

gloomily　across　his　forehead；　reseats　himself　in　his　former　chair。

There　is　a　long　silence；　and　this　time　the　lady　begins。　　'I

appealed　to　Mr。　Jenkins；　who　sat　next　to　me　on　the　sofa　in　the

drawing…room　during　tea　…　'　　'Morgan；　you　mean；'　interrupts　the

gentleman。　　'I　do　not　mean　anything　of　the　kind；'　answers　the　lady。

'Now；　by　all　that　is　aggravating　and　impossible　to　bear；'　cries　the

gentleman；　clenching　his　hands　and　looking　upwards　in　agony；　'she

is　going　to　insist　upon　it　that　Morgan　is　Jenkins！'　　'Do　you　take

me　for　a　perfect　fool？'　exclaims　the　lady；　'do　you　suppose　I　don't

know　the　one　from　the　other？　　Do　you　suppose　I　don't　know　that　the

man　in　the　blue　coat　was　Mr。　Jenkins？'　　'Jenkins　in　a　blue　coat！'

cries　the　gentleman　with　a　groan；　'Jenkins　in　a　blue　coat！　a　man

who　would　suffer　death　rather　than　wear　anything　but　brown！'　　'Do

you　dare　to　charge　me　with　telling　an　untruth？'　demands　the　lady；

bursting　into　tears。　　'I　charge　you；　ma'am；'　retorts　the　gentleman；

starting　up；　'with　being　a　monster　of　contradiction；　a　monster　of

aggravation；　a　…　a　…　a　…　Jenkins　in　a　blue　coat！　…　what　have　I　done

that　I　should　be　doomed　to　hear　such　statements！'



Expressing　himself　with　great　scorn　and　anguish；　the　gentleman

takes　up　his　candle　and　stalks　off　to　bed；　where　feigning　to　be

fast　asleep　when　the　lady　comes　up…stairs　drowned　in　tears；

murmuring　lamentations　over　her　hard　fate　and　indistinct　intentions

of　consulting　her　brothers；　he　undergoes　the　secret　torture　of

hearing　her　exclaim　between　whiles；　'I　know　there　are　only　fourteen

doors　in　the　house；　I　know　it　was　Mr。　Jenkins；　I　know　he　had　a　blue

coat　on；　and　I　would　say　it　as　positively　as　I　do　now；　if　they　were

the　last　words　I　had　to　speak！'



If　the　contradictory　couple　are　blessed　with　children；　they　are　not

the　less　contradictory　on　that　account。　　Master　James　and　Miss

Charlotte　present　themselves　after　dinner；　and　being　in　perfect

good　humour；　and　finding　their　parents　in　the　same　amiable　state；

augur　from　these　appearances　half　a　glass　of　wine　a…piece　and　other

extraordinary　indulgences。　　But　unfortunately　Master　James；　growing

talkative　upon　such　prospects；　asks　his　mamma　how　tall　Mrs。　Parsons

is；　and　whether　she　is　not　six　feet　high；　to　which　his　mamma

replies；　'Yes；　she　should　think　she　was；　for　M