sketches of young couples-第5部分

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is；　and　whether　she　is　not　six　feet　high；　to　which　his　mamma

replies；　'Yes；　she　should　think　she　was；　for　Mrs。　Parsons　is　a　very

tall　lady　indeed；　quite　a　giantess。'　　'For　Heaven's　sake；

Charlotte；'　cries　her　husband；　'do　not　tell　the　child　such

preposterous　nonsense。　　Six　feet　high！'　　'Well；'　replies　the　lady；

'surely　I　may　be　permitted　to　have　an　opinion；　my　opinion　is；　that

she　is　six　feet　high　…　at　least　six　feet。'　　'Now　you　know；

Charlotte；'　retorts　the　gentleman　sternly；　'that　that　is　NOT　your

opinion　…　that　you　have　no　such　idea　…　and　that　you　only　say　this

for　the　sake　of　contradiction。'　　'You　are　exceedingly　polite；'　his

wife　replies；　'to　be　wrong　about　such　a　paltry　question　as

anybody's　height；　would　be　no　great　crime；　but　I　say　again；　that　I

believe　Mrs。　Parsons　to　be　six　feet　…　more　than　six　feet；　nay；　I

believe　you　know　her　to　be　full　six　feet；　and　only　say　she　is　not；

because　I　say　she　is。'　　This　taunt　disposes　the　gentleman　to　become

violent；　but　he　cheeks　himself；　and　is　content　to　mutter；　in　a

haughty　tone；　'Six　feet　…　ha！　ha！　　Mrs。　Parsons　six　feet！'　and　the

lady　answers；　'Yes；　six　feet。　　I　am　sure　I　am　glad　you　are　amused；

and　I'll　say　it　again　…　six　feet。'　　Thus　the　subject　gradually

drops　off；　and　the　contradiction　begins　to　be　forgotten；　when

Master　James；　with　some　undefined　notion　of　making　himself

agreeable；　and　putting　things　to　rights　again；　unfortunately　asks

his　mamma　what　the　moon's　made　of；　which　gives　her　occasion　to　say

that　he　had　better　not　ask　her；　for　she　is　always　wrong　and　never

can　be　right；　that　he　only　exposes　her　to　contradiction　by　asking

any　question　of　her；　and　that　he　had　better　ask　his　papa；　who　is

infallible；　and　never　can　be　wrong。　　Papa；　smarting　under　this

attack；　gives　a　terrible　pull　at　the　bell；　and　says；　that　if　the

conversation　is　to　proceed　in　this　way；　the　children　had　better　be

removed。　　Removed　they　are；　after　a　few　tears　and　many　struggles；

and　Pa　having　looked　at　Ma　sideways　for　a　minute　or　two；　with　a

baleful　eye；　draws　his　pocket…handkerchief　over　his　face；　and

composes　himself　for　his　after…dinner　nap。



The　friends　of　the　contradictory　couple　often　deplore　their

frequent　disputes；　though　they　rather　make　light　of　them　at　the

same　time：　　observing；　that　there　is　no　doubt　they　are　very　much

attached　to　each　other；　and　that　they　never　quarrel　except　about

trifles。　　But　neither　the　friends　of　the　contradictory　couple；　nor

the　contradictory　couple　themselves；　reflect；　that　as　the　most

stupendous　objects　in　nature　are　but　vast　collections　of　minute

particles；　so　the　slightest　and　least　considered　trifles　make　up

the　sum　of　human　happiness　or　misery。







THE　COUPLE　WHO　DOTE　UPON　THEIR　CHILDREN







The　couple　who　dote　upon　their　children　have　usually　a　great　many

of　them：　　six　or　eight　at　least。　　The　children　are　either　the

healthiest　in　all　the　world；　or　the　most　unfortunate　in　existence。

In　either　case；　they　are　equally　the　theme　of　their　doting　parents；

and　equally　a　source　of　mental　anguish　and　irritation　to　their

doting　parents'　friends。



The　couple　who　dote　upon　their　children　recognise　no　dates　but

those　connected　with　their　births；　accidents；　illnesses；　or

remarkable　deeds。　　They　keep　a　mental　almanack　with　a　vast　number

of　Innocents'…days；　all　in　red　letters。　　They　recollect　the　last

coronation；　because　on　that　day　little　Tom　fell　down　the　kitchen

stairs；　the　anniversary　of　the　Gunpowder　Plot；　because　it　was　on

the　fifth　of　November　that　Ned　asked　whether　wooden　legs　were　made

in　heaven　and　cocked　hats　grew　in　gardens。　　Mrs。　Whiffler　will

never　cease　to　recollect　the　last　day　of　the　old　year　as　long　as

she　lives；　for　it　was　on　that　day　that　the　baby　had　the　four　red

spots　on　its　nose　which　they　took　for　measles：　　nor　Christmas…day；

for　twenty…one　days　after　Christmas…day　the　twins　were　born；　nor

Good　Friday；　for　it　was　on　a　Good　Friday　that　she　was　frightened　by

the　donkey…cart　when　she　was　in　the　family　way　with　Georgiana。　　The

movable　feasts　have　no　motion　for　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Whiffler；　but　remain

pinned　down　tight　and　fast　to　the　shoulders　of　some　small　child；

from　whom　they　can　never　be　separated　any　more。　　Time　was　made；

according　to　their　creed；　not　for　slaves　but　for　girls　and　boys；

the　restless　sands　in　his　glass　are　but　little　children　at　play。



As　we　have　already　intimated；　the　children　of　this　couple　can　know

no　medium。　　They　are　either　prodigies　of　good　health　or　prodigies

of　bad　health；　whatever　they　are；　they　must　be　prodigies。　　Mr。

Whiffler　must　have　to　describe　at　his　office　such　excruciating

agonies　constantly　undergone　by　his　eldest　boy；　as　nobody　else's

eldest　boy　ever　underwent；　or　he　must　be　able　to　declare　that　there

never　was　a　child　endowed　with　such　amazing　health；　such　an

indomitable　constitution；　and　such　a　cast…iron　frame；　as　his　child。

His　children　must　be；　in　some　respect　or　other；　above　and　beyond

the　children　of　all　other　people。　　To　such　an　extent　is　this

feeling　pushed；　that　we　were　once　slightly　acquainted　with　a　lady

and　gentleman　who　carried　their　heads　so　high　and　became　so　proud

after　their　youngest　child　fell　out　of　a　two…pair…of…stairs　window

without　hurting　himself　much；　that　the　greater　part　of　their

friends　were　obliged　to　forego　their　acquaintance。　　But　perhaps

this　may　be　an　extreme　case；　and　one　not　justly　entitled　to　be

considered　as　a　precedent　of　general　application。



If　a　friend　happen　to　dine　in　a　friendly　way　with　one　of　these

couples　who　dote　upon　their　children；　it　is　nearly　impossible　for

him　to　divert　the　conversation　from　their　favourite　topic。

Everything　reminds　Mr。　Whiffler　of　Ned；　or　Mrs。　Whiffler　of　Mary

Anne；　or　of　the　time　before　Ned　was　born；　or　the　time　before　Mary

Anne　was　thought　of。　　The　slightest　remark；　however　harmless　in

itself；　will　awaken　slumbering　recollections　of　the　twins。　　It　is

impossible　to　steer　clear　of　them。　　They　will　come　uppermost；　let

the　poor　man　do　what　he　may。　　Ned　has　been　known　to　be　lost　sight

of　for　half　an　hour；　Dick　has　been　forgotten；　the　name　of　Mary　Anne

has　not　been　mentioned；　but　the　twins　will　out。　　Nothing　can　keep

down　the　twins。



'It's　a　very　extraordinary　thing；　Saunders；'　says　Mr。　Whiffler　to

the　visitor；　'but　…　you　have　seen　our　little　babies；　the　…　the　…

twins？'　　The　friend's　heart　sinks　within　him　as　he　answers；　'Oh；

yes　…　often。'　　'Your　talking　of　the　Pyramids；'　says　Mr。　Whiffler；

quite　as　a　matter　of　course；　'reminds　me　of　the　twins。　　It's　a　very

extraordinary　thing　about　those　babies　…　what　colour　should　you　say

their　eyes　were？'　　'Upon　my　word；'　the　friend　stammers；　'I　hardly

know　how　to　answer'　…　the　fact　being；　that　except　as　the　friend

does　not　remember　to　have　heard　of　any　departure　from　the　ordinary

course　of　nature　in　the　instance　of　these　twins；　they　might　have　no

eyes　at　all　for　aught　he　has　observed　to　the　contrary。　　'You

wouldn't　say　they　were　red；　I　suppose？'　says　Mr。　Whiffler。　　The

friend　hesitates；　and　rather　thinks　they　are；　but　inferring　from

the　expression　of　Mr。　Whiffler's　face　that　red　is　not　the　colour；

smiles　with　some　confidence；　and　says；　'No；　no！　very　different　from

that。'　　'What　should　you　say　to　blue？'　says　Mr。　Whiffler。　　The

friend　glances　at　him；　and　observing　a　different　expression　in　his

face；　ventures　to　say；　'I　should　say　they　WERE　blue　…　a　decided

blue。'　　'To　be　sure！'　cries　Mr。　Whiffler；　triumphantly；　'I　knew　you

would！　　But　what　should　you　say　if　I　was　to　tell　you　that　the　boy's

eyes　are　blue　and　the　girl's　hazel；　eh？'　　'Impossible！'　exclaims

the　friend；　not　at　all　knowing　why　it　should　be　impossible。　　'A

fact；　notwithstanding；'　cries　Mr。　Whiffler；　'and　let　me　tell　you；

Saunders；　THAT'S　not　a　common　thing　in　twins；　or　a　circumstance

that'll　happen　every　day。'



In　this　dialogue　Mrs。　Whiffler；　as　being　deeply　responsible　for　the

twins；　their　charms　and　singularities；　has　taken　no　share；　but　she

now　relates；　in　broken　English；　a　witticism　of　little　Dick's

bearing　upon　the　subject　just　discussed；　which　delights　Mr。

Whiffler　beyond　measure；　and　causes　him　to　declare　that　he　would

have　sworn　that　was　Dick's　if　he　had　heard　it　anywhere。　　Then　he

requests　that　Mrs。　Whiffler　will　tell　Saunders　what　Tom　said　about

mad　bulls；　and　Mrs。　Whiffler　relating　the　anecdote；　a　discussion

ensues　upon　the　different　character　of　Tom's　wit　and　Dick's　wit；

from　which　it　appears　that　Dick's　humour　is　of　a　lively　turn；　while

Tom's　style　is　the　dry　and　caustic。　　This　discussion　being

enlivened　by　various　illustrations；　lasts　a　long　time；　and　is　only

stopped　by　Mrs。　Whiffler　instructing　the　footman　to　ring　the

nursery　bell；　as　the　children　were　promised　that　they　should　come

down　and　taste　the　pudding。



The　friend　turns　pale　when　this　order　is　given；　and　paler　still

when　it　is　followed　up　by　a　great　pattering　on　the　staircase；　（not

unlike　the　sound　of　rain　upon　a　skylight；）　a　violent　bursting　open

of　the　dining…room　door；　and　the　tumultuous　appearance　of　six　small

children；　closely　succeeded　by　a　strong　nursery…maid　with　a　twin　in

each　arm。　　As　the　whole　eight　are　screaming；　shouting；　or　kicking　…

some　influenced　by　a　ravenous　appetite；　some　by　a　horror　of　the

stranger；　and　some　by　a　conflict　of　the　two　feelings　…　a　pretty

long　space　elapses　before　all　their　heads　can　be　ranged　round　the

table　and　anything　like　order　restored；　in　bringing　about　which

happy　state　of　things　both　the　nurse　and　footman　are　severely

scratched。　　At　length　Mrs。　Whiffler　is　heard　to　say；　'Mr。　Saunders；

shall　I　give　you　some　pudding？'　　A　breathless　silence　ensues；　and

sixteen　small　eyes　are　fixed　upon　the　guest　in　expectation　of　his

reply。　　A　wild　shout　of　joy　proclaims　that　he　has　said　'No；　thank

you。'　　Spoons　are　waved　in　the　air；　legs　appear　above　the　table…

cloth　in　uncontrollable　ecstasy；　and　eighty　short　fingers　dabble　in

damson　syrup。



While　the　pudding　is　being　disposed　of；　Mr。　and