sketches of young couples-第6部分

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damson　syrup。



While　the　pudding　is　being　disposed　of；　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Whiffler　look

on　with　beaming　countenances；　and　Mr。　Whiffler　nudging　his　friend

Saunders；　begs　him　to　take　notice　of　Tom's　eyes；　or　Dick's　chin；　or

Ned's　nose；　or　Mary　Anne's　hair；　or　Emily's　figure；　or　little　Bob's

calves；　or　Fanny's　mouth；　or　Carry's　head；　as　the　case　may　be。

Whatever　the　attention　of　Mr。　Saunders　is　called　to；　Mr。　Saunders

admires　of　course；　though　he　is　rather　confused　about　the　sex　of

the　youngest　branches　and　looks　at　the　wrong　children；　turning　to　a

girl　when　Mr。　Whiffler　directs　his　attention　to　a　boy；　and　falling

into　raptures　with　a　boy　when　he　ought　to　be　enchanted　with　a　girl。

Then　the　dessert　comes；　and　there　is　a　vast　deal　of　scrambling

after　fruit；　and　sudden　spirting　forth　of　juice　out　of　tight

oranges　into　infant　eyes；　and　much　screeching　and　wailing　in

consequence。　　At　length　it　becomes　time　for　Mrs。　Whiffler　to

retire；　and　all　the　children　are　by　force　of　arms　compelled　to　kiss

and　love　Mr。　Saunders　before　going　up…stairs；　except　Tom；　who；

lying　on　his　back　in　the　hall；　proclaims　that　Mr。　Saunders　'is　a

naughty　beast；'　and　Dick；　who　having　drunk　his　father's　wine　when

he　was　looking　another　way；　is　found　to　be　intoxicated　and　is

carried　out；　very　limp　and　helpless。



Mr。　Whiffler　and　his　friend　are　left　alone　together；　but　Mr。

Whiffler's　thoughts　are　still　with　his　family；　if　his　family　are

not　with　him。　　'Saunders；'　says　he；　after　a　short　silence；　'if　you

please；　we'll　drink　Mrs。　Whiffler　and　the　children。'　　Mr。　Saunders

feels　this　to　be　a　reproach　against　himself　for　not　proposing　the

same　sentiment；　and　drinks　it　in　some　confusion。　　'Ah！'　Mr。

Whiffler　sighs；　'these　children；　Saunders；　make　one　quite　an　old

man。'　　Mr。　Saunders　thinks　that　if　they　were　his；　they　would　make

him　a　very　old　man；　but　he　says　nothing。　　'And　yet；'　pursues　Mr。

Whiffler；　'what　can　equal　domestic　happiness？　what　can　equal　the

engaging　ways　of　children！　　Saunders；　why　don't　you　get　married？'

Now；　this　is　an　embarrassing　question；　because　Mr。　Saunders　has

been　thinking　that　if　he　had　at　any　time　entertained　matrimonial

designs；　the　revelation　of　that　day　would　surely　have　routed　them

for　ever。　　'I　am　glad；　however；'　says　Mr。　Whiffler；　'that　you　ARE　a

bachelor；　…　glad　on　one　account；　Saunders；　a　selfish　one；　I　admit。

Will　you　do　Mrs。　Whiffler　and　myself　a　favour？'　　Mr。　Saunders　is

surprised　…　evidently　surprised；　but　he　replies；　'with　the　greatest

pleasure。'　　'Then；　will　you；　Saunders；'　says　Mr。　Whiffler；　in　an

impressive　manner；　'will　you　cement　and　consolidate　our　friendship

by　coming　into　the　family　（so　to　speak）　as　a　godfather？'　　'I　shall

be　proud　and　delighted；'　replies　Mr。　Saunders：　　'which　of　the

children　is　it？　really；　I　thought　they　were　all　christened；　or　…　'

'Saunders；'　Mr。　Whiffler　interposes；　'they　ARE　all　christened；　you

are　right。　　The　fact　is；　that　Mrs。　Whiffler　is　…　in　short；　we

expect　another。'　　'Not　a　ninth！'　cries　the　friend；　all　aghast　at

the　idea。　　'Yes；　Saunders；'　rejoins　Mr。　Whiffler；　solemnly；　'a

ninth。　　Did　we　drink　Mrs。　Whiffler's　health？　　Let　us　drink　it

again；　Saunders；　and　wish　her　well　over　it！'



Doctor　Johnson　used　to　tell　a　story　of　a　man　who　had　but　one　idea；

which　was　a　wrong　one。　　The　couple　who　dote　upon　their　children　are

in　the　same　predicament：　　at　home　or　abroad；　at　all　times；　and　in

all　places；　their　thoughts　are　bound　up　in　this　one　subject；　and

have　no　sphere　beyond。　　They　relate　the　clever　things　their

offspring　say　or　do；　and　weary　every　company　with　their　prolixity

and　absurdity。　　Mr。　Whiffler　takes　a　friend　by　the　button　at　a

street　corner　on　a　windy　day　to　tell　him　a　BON　MOT　of　his　youngest

boy's；　and　Mrs。　Whiffler；　calling　to　see　a　sick　acquaintance；

entertains　her　with　a　cheerful　account　of　all　her　own　past

sufferings　and　present　expectations。　　In　such　cases　the　sins　of　the

fathers　indeed　descend　upon　the　children；　for　people　soon　come　to

regard　them　as　predestined　little　bores。　　The　couple　who　dote　upon

their　children　cannot　be　said　to　be　actuated　by　a　general　love　for

these　engaging　little　people　（which　would　be　a　great　excuse）；　for

they　are　apt　to　underrate　and　entertain　a　jealousy　of　any　children

but　their　own。　　If　they　examined　their　own　hearts；　they　would；

perhaps；　find　at　the　bottom　of　all　this；　more　self…love　and　egotism

than　they　think　of。　　Self…love　and　egotism　are　bad　qualities；　of

which　the　unrestrained　exhibition；　though　it　may　be　sometimes

amusing；　never　fails　to　be　wearisome　and　unpleasant。　　Couples　who

dote　upon　their　children；　therefore；　are　best　avoided。







THE　COOL　COUPLE







There　is　an　old…fashioned　weather…glass　representing　a　house　with

two　doorways；　in　one　of　which　is　the　figure　of　a　gentleman；　in　the

other　the　figure　of　a　lady。　　When　the　weather　is　to　be　fine　the

lady　comes　out　and　the　gentleman　goes　in；　when　wet；　the　gentleman

comes　out　and　the　lady　goes　in。　　They　never　seek　each　other's

society；　are　never　elevated　and　depressed　by　the　same　cause；　and

have　nothing　in　common。　　They　are　the　model　of　a　cool　couple；

except　that　there　is　something　of　politeness　and　consideration

about　the　behaviour　of　the　gentleman　in　the　weather…glass；　in

which；　neither　of　the　cool　couple　can　be　said　to　participate。



The　cool　couple　are　seldom　alone　together；　and　when　they　are；

nothing　can　exceed　their　apathy　and　dulness：　　the　gentleman　being

for　the　most　part　drowsy；　and　the　lady　silent。　　If　they　enter　into

conversation；　it　is　usually　of　an　ironical　or　recriminatory　nature。

Thus；　when　the　gentleman　has　indulged　in　a　very　long　yawn　and

settled　himself　more　snugly　in　his　easy…chair；　the　lady　will

perhaps　remark；　'Well；　I　am　sure；　Charles！　　I　hope　you're

comfortable。'　　To　which　the　gentleman　replies；　'Oh　yes；　he's　quite

comfortable　quite。'　　'There　are　not　many　married　men；　I　hope；'

returns　the　lady；　'who　seek　comfort　in　such　selfish　gratifications

as　you　do。'　　'Nor　many　wives　who　seek　comfort　in　such　selfish

gratifications　as　YOU　do；　I　hope；'　retorts　the　gentleman。　　'Whose

fault　is　that？'　demands　the　lady。　　The　gentleman　becoming　more

sleepy；　returns　no　answer。　　'Whose　fault　is　that？'　the　lady

repeats。　　The　gentleman　still　returning　no　answer；　she　goes　on　to

say　that　she　believes　there　never　was　in　all　this　world　anybody　so

attached　to　her　home；　so　thoroughly　domestic；　so　unwilling　to　seek

a　moment's　gratification　or　pleasure　beyond　her　own　fireside　as

she。　　God　knows　that　before　she　was　married　she　never　thought　or

dreamt　of　such　a　thing；　and　she　remembers　that　her　poor　papa　used

to　say　again　and　again；　almost　every　day　of　his　life；　'Oh；　my　dear

Louisa；　if　you　only　marry　a　man　who　understands　you；　and　takes　the

trouble　to　consider　your　happiness　and　accommodate　himself　a　very

little　to　your　disposition；　what　a　treasure　he　will　find　in　you！'

She　supposes　her　papa　knew　what　her　disposition　was　…　he　had　known

her　long　enough　…　he　ought　to　have　been　acquainted　with　it；　but

what　can　she　do？　　If　her　home　is　always　dull　and　lonely；　and　her

husband　is　always　absent　and　finds　no　pleasure　in　her　society；　she

is　naturally　sometimes　driven　（seldom　enough；　she　is　sure）　to　seek

a　little　recreation　elsewhere；　she　is　not　expected　to　pine　and　mope

to　death；　she　hopes。　　'Then　come；　Louisa；'　says　the　gentleman；

waking　up　as　suddenly　as　he　fell　asleep；　'stop　at　home　this

evening；　and　so　will　I。'　　'I　should　be　sorry　to　suppose；　Charles；

that　you　took　a　pleasure　in　aggravating　me；'　replies　the　lady；　'but

you　know　as　well　as　I　do　that　I　am　particularly　engaged　to　Mrs。

Mortimer；　and　that　it　would　be　an　act　of　the　grossest　rudeness　and

ill…breeding；　after　accepting　a　seat　in　her　box　and　preventing　her

from　inviting　anybody　else；　not　to　go。'　　'Ah！　there　it　is！'　says

the　gentleman；　shrugging　his　shoulders；　'I　knew　that　perfectly

well。　　I　knew　you　couldn't　devote　an　evening　to　your　own　home。　　Now

all　I　have　to　say；　Louisa；　is　this　…　recollect　that　I　was　quite

willing　to　stay　at　home；　and　that　it's　no　fault　of　MINE　we　are　not

oftener　together。'



With　that　the　gentleman　goes　away　to　keep　an　old　appointment　at　his

club；　and　the　lady　hurries　off　to　dress　for　Mrs。　Mortimer's；　and

neither　thinks　of　the　other　until　by　some　odd　chance　they　find

themselves　alone　again。



But　it　must　not　be　supposed　that　the　cool　couple　are　habitually　a

quarrelsome　one。　　Quite　the　contrary。　　These　differences　are　only

occasions　for　a　little　self…excuse；　…　nothing　more。　　In　general

they　are　as　easy　and　careless；　and　dispute　as　seldom；　as　any　common

acquaintances　may；　for　it　is　neither　worth　their　while　to　put　each

other　out　of　the　way；　nor　to　ruffle　themselves。



When　they　meet　in　society；　the　cool　couple　are　the　best…bred　people

in　existence。　　The　lady　is　seated　in　a　corner　among　a　little　knot

of　lady　friends；　one　of　whom　exclaims；　'Why；　I　vow　and　declare

there　is　your　husband；　my　dear！'　　'Whose？　…　mine？'　she　says；

carelessly。　　'Ay；　yours；　and　coming　this　way　too。'　　'How　very　odd！'

says　the　lady；　in　a　languid　tone；　'I　thought　he　had　been　at　Dover。'

The　gentleman　coming　up；　and　speaking　to　all　the　other　ladies　and

nodding　slightly　to　his　wife；　it　turns　out　that　he　has　been　at

Dover；　and　has　just　now　returned。　　'What　a　strange　creature　you

are！'　cries　his　wife；　'and　what　on　earth　brought　you　here；　I

wonder？'　　'I　came　to　look　after　you；　OF　COURSE；'　rejoins　her

husband。　　This　is　so　pleasant　a　jest　that　the　lady　is　mightily

amused；　as　are　all　the　other　ladies　similarly　situated　who　are

within　hearing；　and　while　they　are　enjoying　it　to　the　full；　the

gentleman　nods　again；　turns　upon　his　heel；　and　saunters　away。



There　are　times；　however；　when　his　company　is　not　so　agreeable；

though　equally　unexpected；　such　as　when　the　lady　has　invited　one　or

two　particular　friends　to　tea　and　scandal；　and　he　happens　to　come

home　in　the　very　midst　of　their　diversion。　　It　is　a　hundred　chances

to　one