sketches of young couples-第9部分

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answer　happened　to　be；　that　she　had　not　been　very　well。　　'Oh；　my

dear！'　said　the　egotistical　lady；　'don't　talk　of　not　being　well。

We　have　been　in　SUCH　a　state　since　we　saw　you　last！'　…　The　lady　of

the　house　happening　to　remark　that　her　lord　had　not　been　well

either；　the　egotistical　gentleman　struck　in：　　'Never　let　Briggs

complain　of　not　being　well　…　never　let　Briggs　complain；　my　dear

Mrs。　Briggs；　after　what　I　have　undergone　within　these　six　weeks。

He　doesn't　know　what　it　is　to　be　ill；　he　hasn't　the　least　idea　of

it；　not　the　faintest　conception。'　…　'My　dear；'　interposed　his　wife

smiling；　'you　talk　as　if　it　were　almost　a　crime　in　Mr。　Briggs　not

to　have　been　as　ill　as　we　have　been；　instead　of　feeling　thankful　to

Providence　that　both　he　and　our　dear　Mrs。　Briggs　are　in　such

blissful　ignorance　of　real　suffering。'　…　'My　love；'　returned　the

egotistical　gentleman；　in　a　low　and　pious　voice；　'you　mistake　me；　…

I　feel　grateful　…　very　grateful。　　I　trust　our　friends　may　never

purchase　their　experience　as　dearly　as　we　have　bought　ours；　I　hope

they　never　may！'



Having　put　down　Mrs。　Briggs　upon　this　theme；　and　settled　the

question　thus；　the　egotistical　gentleman　turned　to　us；　and；　after　a

few　preliminary　remarks；　all　tending　towards　and　leading　up　to　the

point　he　had　in　his　mind；　inquired　if　we　happened　to　be　acquainted

with　the　Dowager　Lady　Snorflerer。　　On　our　replying　in　the　negative；

he　presumed　we　had　often　met　Lord　Slang；　or　beyond　all　doubt；　that

we　were　on　intimate　terms　with　Sir　Chipkins　Glogwog。　　Finding　that

we　were　equally　unable　to　lay　claim　to　either　of　these

distinctions；　he　expressed　great　astonishment；　and　turning　to　his

wife　with　a　retrospective　smile；　inquired　who　it　was　that　had　told

that　capital　story　about　the　mashed　potatoes。　　'Who；　my　dear？'

returned　the　egotistical　lady；　'why　Sir　Chipkins；　of　course；　how

can　you　ask！　　Don't　you　remember　his　applying　it　to　our　cook；　and

saying　that　you　and　I　were　so　like　the　Prince　and　Princess；　that　he

could　almost　have　sworn　we　were　they？'　　'To　be　sure；　I　remember

that；'　said　the　egotistical　gentleman；　'but　are　you　quite　certain

that　didn't　apply　to　the　other　anecdote　about　the　Emperor　of

Austria　and　the　pump？'　　'Upon　my　word　then；　I　think　it　did；'

replied　his　wife。　　'To　be　sure　it　did；'　said　the　egotistical

gentleman；　'it　was　Slang's　story；　I　remember　now；　perfectly。'

However；　it　turned　out；　a　few　seconds　afterwards；　that　the

egotistical　gentleman's　memory　was　rather　treacherous；　as　he　began

to　have　a　misgiving　that　the　story　had　been　told　by　the　Dowager

Lady　Snorflerer　the　very　last　time　they　dined　there；　but　there

appearing；　on　further　consideration；　strong　circumstantial　evidence

tending　to　show　that　this　couldn't　be；　inasmuch　as　the　Dowager　Lady

Snorflerer　had　been；　on　the　occasion　in　question；　wholly　engrossed

by　the　egotistical　lady；　the　egotistical　gentleman　recanted　this

opinion；　and　after　laying　the　story　at　the　doors　of　a　great　many

great　people；　happily　left　it　at　last　with　the　Duke　of　Scuttlewig：…

observing　that　it　was　not　extraordinary　he　had　forgotten　his　Grace

hitherto；　as　it　often　happened　that　the　names　of　those　with　whom　we

were　upon　the　most　familiar　footing　were　the　very　last　to　present

themselves　to　our　thoughts。



It　not　only　appeared　that　the　egotistical　couple　knew　everybody；

but　that　scarcely　any　event　of　importance　or　notoriety　had　occurred

for　many　years　with　which　they　had　not　been　in　some　way　or　other

connected。　　Thus　we　learned　that　when　the　well…known　attempt　upon

the　life　of　George　the　Third　was　made　by　Hatfield　in　Drury　Lane

theatre；　the　egotistical　gentleman's　grandfather　sat　upon　his　right

hand　and　was　the　first　man　who　collared　him；　and　that　the

egotistical　lady's　aunt；　sitting　within　a　few　boxes　of　the　royal

party；　was　the　only　person　in　the　audience　who　heard　his　Majesty

exclaim；　'Charlotte；　Charlotte；　don't　be　frightened；　don't　be

frightened；　they're　letting　off　squibs；　they're　letting　off

squibs。'　　When　the　fire　broke　out；　which　ended　in　the　destruction

of　the　two　Houses　of　Parliament；　the　egotistical　couple；　being　at

the　time　at　a　drawing…room　window　on　Blackheath；　then　and　there

simultaneously　exclaimed；　to　the　astonishment　of　a　whole　party　…

'It's　the　House　of　Lords！'　　Nor　was　this　a　solitary　instance　of

their　peculiar　discernment；　for　chancing　to　be　（as　by　a　comparison

of　dates　and　circumstances　they　afterwards　found）　in　the　same

omnibus　with　Mr。　Greenacre；　when　he　carried　his　victim's　head　about

town　in　a　blue　bag；　they　both　remarked　a　singular　twitching　in　the

muscles　of　his　countenance；　and　walking　down　Fish　Street　Hill；　a

few　weeks　since；　the　egotistical　gentleman　said　to　his　lady　…

slightly　casting　up　his　eyes　to　the　top　of　the　Monument　…　'There's

a　boy　up　there；　my　dear；　reading　a　Bible。　　It's　very　strange。　　I

don't　like　it。　…　In　five　seconds　afterwards；　Sir；'　says　the

egotistical　gentleman；　bringing　his　hands　together　with　one　violent

clap　…　'the　lad　was　over！'



Diversifying　these　topics　by　the　introduction　of　many　others　of　the

same　kind；　and　entertaining　us　between　whiles　with　a　minute　account

of　what　weather　and　diet　agreed　with　them；　and　what　weather　and

diet　disagreed　with　them；　and　at　what　time　they　usually　got　up；　and

at　what　time　went　to　bed；　with　many　other　particulars　of　their

domestic　economy　too　numerous　to　mention；　the　egotistical　couple　at

length　took　their　leave；　and　afforded　us　an　opportunity　of　doing

the　same。



Mr。　and　Mrs。　Sliverstone　are　an　egotistical　couple　of　another

class；　for　all　the　lady's　egotism　is　about　her　husband；　and　all　the

gentleman's　about　his　wife。　　For　example：…　Mr。　Sliverstone　is　a

clerical　gentleman；　and　occasionally　writes　sermons；　as　clerical

gentlemen　do。　　If　you　happen　to　obtain　admission　at　the　street…door

while　he　is　so　engaged；　Mrs。　Sliverstone　appears　on　tip…toe；　and

speaking　in　a　solemn　whisper；　as　if　there　were　at　least　three　or

four　particular　friends　up…stairs；　all　upon　the　point　of　death；

implores　you　to　be　very　silent；　for　Mr。　Sliverstone　is　composing；

and　she　need　not　say　how　very　important　it　is　that　he　should　not　be

disturbed。　　Unwilling　to　interrupt　anything　so　serious；　you　hasten

to　withdraw；　with　many　apologies；　but　this　Mrs。　Sliverstone　will　by

no　means　allow；　observing；　that　she　knows　you　would　like　to　see

him；　as　it　is　very　natural　you　should；　and　that　she　is　determined

to　make　a　trial　for　you；　as　you　are　a　great　favourite。　　So　you　are

led　up…stairs　…　still　on　tip…toe　…　to　the　door　of　a　little　back

room；　in　which；　as　the　lady　informs　you　in　a　whisper；　Mr。

Sliverstone　always　writes。　　No　answer　being　returned　to　a　couple　of

soft　taps；　the　lady　opens　the　door；　and　there；　sure　enough；　is　Mr。

Sliverstone；　with　dishevelled　hair；　powdering　away　with　pen；　ink；

and　paper；　at　a　rate　which；　if　he　has　any　power　of　sustaining　it；

would　settle　the　longest　sermon　in　no　time。　　At　first　he　is　too

much　absorbed　to　be　roused　by　this　intrusion；　but　presently　looking

up；　says　faintly；　'Ah！'　and　pointing　to　his　desk　with　a　weary　and

languid　smile；　extends　his　hand；　and　hopes　you'll　forgive　him。

Then　Mrs。　Sliverstone　sits　down　beside　him；　and　taking　his　hand　in

hers；　tells　you　how　that　Mr。　Sliverstone　has　been　shut　up　there

ever　since　nine　o'clock　in　the　morning；　（it　is　by　this　time　twelve

at　noon；）　and　how　she　knows　it　cannot　be　good　for　his　health；　and

is　very　uneasy　about　it。　　Unto　this　Mr。　Sliverstone　replies　firmly；

that　'It　must　be　done；'　which　agonizes　Mrs。　Sliverstone　still　more；

and　she　goes　on　to　tell　you　that　such　were　Mr。　Sliverstone's

labours　last　week　…　what　with　the　buryings；　marryings；　churchings；

christenings；　and　all　together；　…　that　when　he　was　going　up　the

pulpit　stairs　on　Sunday　evening；　he　was　obliged　to　hold　on　by　the

rails；　or　he　would　certainly　have　fallen　over　into　his　own　pew。

Mr。　Sliverstone；　who　has　been　listening　and　smiling　meekly；　says；

'Not　quite　so　bad　as　that；　not　quite　so　bad！'　he　admits　though；　on

cross…examination；　that　he　WAS　very　near　falling　upon　the　verger

who　was　following　him　up　to　bolt　the　door；　but　adds；　that　it　was

his　duty　as　a　Christian　to　fall　upon　him；　if　need　were；　and　that

he；　Mr。　Sliverstone；　and　（possibly　the　verger　too）　ought　to　glory

in　it。



This　sentiment　communicates　new　impulse　to　Mrs。　Sliverstone；　who

launches　into　new　praises　of　Mr。　Sliverstone's　worth　and

excellence；　to　which　he　listens　in　the　same　meek　silence；　save　when

he　puts　in　a　word　of　self…denial　relative　to　some　question　of　fact；

as　…　'Not　seventy…two　christenings　that　week；　my　dear。　　Only

seventy…one；　only　seventy…one。'　　At　length　his　lady　has　quite

concluded；　and　then　he　says；　Why　should　he　repine；　why　should　he

give　way；　why　should　he　suffer　his　heart　to　sink　within　him？　　Is　it

he　alone　who　toils　and　suffers？　　What　has　she　gone　through；　he

should　like　to　know？　　What　does　she　go　through　every　day　for　him

and　for　society？



With　such　an　exordium　Mr。　Sliverstone　launches　out　into　glowing

praises　of　the　conduct　of　Mrs。　Sliverstone　in　the　production　of

eight　young　children；　and　the　subsequent　rearing　and　fostering　of

the　same；　and　thus　the　husband　magnifies　the　wife；　and　the　wife　the

husband。



This　would　be　well　enough　if　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Sliverstone　kept　it　to

themselves；　or　even　to　themselves　and　a　friend　or　two；　but　they　do

not。　　The　more　hearers　they　have；　the　more　egotistical　the　couple

become；　and　the　more　anxious　they　are　to　make　believers　in　their

merits。　　Perhaps　this　is　the　worst　kind　of　egotism。　　It　has　not

even　the　poor　excuse　of　being　spontaneous；　but　is　the　result　of　a

deliberate　system　and　malice　aforethought。　　Mere　empty…headed

conceit　excites　our　pity；　but　ostentatious　hypocrisy　awakens　our

disgust。







THE　COUPLE　WHO　CODDLE　THEMSELVES







Mrs。　Merrywinkle's　maiden　name　was　Chopper。　　She　was　the　only　child

of　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Chopper。　　Her　father　died　when　she　was；　as　the

play…books　expr