the yellow wallpaper-第2部分

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plaster　itself　is　dug　out　here　and　there；　and　this　great　heavy
bed　which　is　all　we　found　in　the　room；　looks　as　if　it　had　been
through　the　wars。

But　I　don't　mind　it　a　bitonly　the　paper。

There　comes　John's　sister。　　Such　a　dear　girl　as　she　is；　and
so　careful　of　me！　　I　must　not　let　her　find　me　writing。

She　is　a　perfect　and　enthusiastic　housekeeper；　and　hopes　for
no　better　profession。　　I　verily　believe　she　thinks　it　is　the
writing　which　made　me　sick！

But　I　can　write　when　she　is　out；　and　see　her　a　long　way　off
from　these　windows。

There　is　one　that　commands　the　road；　a　lovely　shaded　winding
road；　and　one　that　just　looks　off　over　the　country。　　A　lovely
country；　too；　full　of　great　elms　and　velvet　meadows。

This　wall…paper　has　a　kind　of　sub…pattern　in　a　different
shade；　a　particularly　irritating　one；　for　you　can　only　see　it　in
certain　lights；　and　not　clearly　then。

But　in　the　places　where　it　isn't　faded　and　where　the　sun　is
just　soI　can　see　a　strange；　provoking；　formless　sort　of　figure；
that　seems　to　skulk　about　behind　that　silly　and　conspicuous　front
design。

There's　sister　on　the　stairs！


Well；　the　Fourth　of　July　is　over！　　The　people　are　gone　and　I
am　tired　out。　　John　thought　it　might　do　me　good　to　see　a　little
company；　so　we　just　had　mother　and　Nellie　and　the　children　down
for　a　week。

Of　course　I　didn't　do　a　thing。　　Jennie　sees　to　everything
now。

But　it　tired　me　all　the　same。

John　says　if　I　don't　pick　up　faster　he　shall　send　me　to　Weir
Mitchell　in　the　fall。

But　I　don't　want　to　go　there　at　all。　　I　had　a　friend　who　was
in　his　hands　once；　and　she　says　he　is　just　like　John　and　my
brother；　only　more　so！

Besides；　it　is　such　an　undertaking　to　go　so　far。

I　don't　feel　as　if　it　was　worth　while　to　turn　my　hand　over
for　anything；　and　I'm　getting　dreadfully　fretful　and　querulous。

I　cry　at　nothing；　and　cry　most　of　the　time。

Of　course　I　don't　when　John　is　here；　or　anybody　else；　but
when　I　am　alone。

And　I　am　alone　a　good　deal　just　now。　　John　is　kept　in　town
very　often　by　serious　cases；　and　Jennie　is　good　and　lets　me　alone
when　I　want　her　to。

So　I　walk　a　little　in　the　garden　or　down　that　lovely　lane；
sit　on　the　porch　under　the　roses；　and　lie　down　up　here　a　good
deal。

I'm　getting　really　fond　of　the　room　in　spite　of　the
wall…paper。　　Perhaps　BECAUSE　of　the　wall…paper。

It　dwells　in　my　mind　so！

I　lie　here　on　this　great　immovable　bedit　is　nailed　down；　I
believeand　follow　that　pattern　about　by　the　hour。　　It　is　as
good　as　gymnastics；　I　assure　you。　　I　start；　we'll　say；　at　the
bottom；　down　in　the　corner　over　there　where　it　has　not　been
touched；　and　I　determine　for　the　thousandth　time　that　I　WILL
follow　that　pointless　pattern　to　some　sort　of　a　conclusion。

I　know　a　little　of　the　principle　of　design；　and　I　know　this
thing　was　not　arranged　on　any　laws　of　radiation；　or　alternation；
or　repetition；　or　symmetry；　or　anything　else　that　I　ever　heard
of。

It　is　repeated；　of　course；　by　the　breadths；　but　not
otherwise。

Looked　at　in　one　way　each　breadth　stands　alone；　the　bloated
curves　and　flourishesa　kind　of　〃debased　Romanesque〃　with
delirium　tremensgo　waddling　up　and　down　in　isolated　columns
of　fatuity。

But；　on　the　other　hand；　they　connect　diagonally；　and　the
sprawling　outlines　run　off　in　great　slanting　waves　of　optic
horror；　like　a　lot　of　wallowing　seaweeds　in　full　chase。

The　whole　thing　goes　horizontally；　too；　at　least　it　seems
so；　and　I　exhaust　myself　in　trying　　to　distinguish　the　order　of
its　going　in　that　direction。

They　have　used　a　horizontal　breadth　for　a　frieze；　and　that
adds　wonderfully　to　the　confusion。

There　is　one　end　of　the　room　where　it　is　almost　intact；　and
there；　when　the　crosslights　fade　and　the　low　sun　shines　directly
upon　it；　I　can　almost　fancy　radiation　after　all；the
interminable　grotesques　seem　to　form　around　a　common　centre　and
rush　off　in　headlong　plunges　of　equal　distraction。

It　makes　me　tired　to　follow　it。　　I　will　take　a　nap　I　guess。

I　don't　know　why　I　should　write　this。

I　don't　want　to。

I　don't　feel　able。

And　I　know　John　would　think　it　absurd。　　But　I　MUST　say
what　I　feel　and　think　in　some　wayit　is　such　a　relief！

But　the　effort　is　getting　to　be　greater　than　the　relief。

Half　the　time　now　I　am　awfully　lazy；　and　lie　down　ever　so
much。

John　says　I　musn't　lose　my　strength；　and　has　me　take　cod
liver　oil　and　lots　of　tonics　and　things；　to　say　nothing　of　ale
and　wine　and　rare　meat。

Dear　John！　　He　loves　me　very　dearly；　and　hates　to　have　me
sick。　　I　tried　to　have　a　real　earnest　reasonable　talk　with　him
the　other　day；　and　tell　him　how　I　wish　he　would　let　me　go　and
make　a　visit　to　Cousin　Henry　and　Julia。

But　he　said　I　wasn't　able　to　go；　nor　able　to　stand　it　after
I　got　there；　and　I　did　not　make　out　a　very　good　case　for　myself；
for　I　was　crying　before　I　had　finished。

It　is　getting　to　be　a　great　effort　for　me　to　think　straight。
Just　this　nervous　weakness　I　suppose。

And　dear　John　gathered　me　up　in　his　arms；　and　just　carried
me　upstairs　and　laid　me　on　the　bed；　and　sat　by　me　and　read　to　me
till　it　tired　my　head。

He　said　I　was　his　darling　and　his　comfort　and　all　he　had；
and　that　I　must　take　care　of　myself　for　his　sake；　and　keep　well。

He　says　no　one　but　myself　can　help　me　out　of　it；　that　I　must
use　my　will　and　self…control　and　not　let　any　silly　fancies　run
away　with　me。

There's　one　comfort；　the　baby　is　well　and　happy；　and　does
not　have　to　occupy　this　nursery　with　the　horrid　wall…paper。

If　we　had　not　used　it；　that　blessed　child　would　have！　　What
a　fortunate　escape！　　Why；　I　wouldn't　have　a　child　of　mine；　an
impressionable　little　thing；　live　in　such　a　room　for　worlds。

I　never　thought　of　it　before；　but　it　is　lucky　that　John　kept
me　here　after　all；　I　can　stand　it　so　much　easier　than　a　baby；　you
see。

Of　course　I　never　mention　it　to　them　any　moreI　am　too
wise；but　I　keep　watch　of　it　all　the　same。

There　are　things　in　that　paper　that　nobody　knows　but　me；　or
ever　will。

Behind　that　outside　pattern　the　dim　shapes　get　clearer　every
day。

It　is　always　the　same　shape；　only　very　numerous。

And　it　is　like　a　woman　stooping　down　and　creeping　about
behind　that　pattern。　　I　don't　like　it　a　bit。　　I　wonderI　begin
to　thinkI　wish　John　would　take　me　away　from　here！

It　is　so　hard　to　talk　with　John　about　my　case；　because　he　is
so　wise；　and　because　he　loves　me　so。

But　I　tried　it　last　night。

It　was　moonlight。　　The　moon　shines　in　all　around　just　as　the
sun　does。

I　hate　to　see　it　sometimes；　it　creeps　so　slowly；　and　always
comes　in　by　one　window　or　another。

John　was　asleep　and　I　hated　to　waken　him；　so　I　kept　still
and　watched　the　moonlight　on　that　undulating　wall…paper　till　I
felt　creepy。

The　faint　figure　behind　seemed　to　shake　the　pattern；　just　as
if　she　wanted　to　get　out。

I　got　up　softly　and　went　to　feel　and　see　if　the　paper　DID
move；　and　when　I　came　back　John　was　awake。

〃What　is　it；　little　girl？〃　he　said。　　〃Don't　go　walking　about
like　thatyou'll　get　cold。〃

I　though　it　was　a　good　time　to　talk；　so　I　told　him　that　I
really　was　not　gaining　here；　and　that　I　wished　he　would　take　me
away。

〃Why　darling！〃　said　he；　〃our　lease　will　be　up　in　three
weeks；　and　I　can't　see　how　to　leave　before。

〃The　repairs　are　not　done　at　home；　and　I　cannot　possibly
leave　town　just　now。　　Of　course　if　you　were　in　any　danger；　I
could　and　would；　but　you　really　are　better；　dear；　whether　you　can
see　it　or　not。　　I　am　a　doctor；　dear；　and　I　know。　　You　are　gaining
flesh　and　color；　your　appetite　is　better；　I　feel　really　much
easier　about　you。〃

〃I　don't　weigh　a　bit　more；〃　said　I；　〃nor　as　much；　and　my
appetite　may　be　better　in　the　evening　when　you　are　here；　but　it
is　worse　in　the　morning　when　you　are　away！〃

〃Bless　her　little　heart！〃　said　he　with　a　big　hug；　〃she　shall
be　as　sick　as　she　pleases！　　But　now　let's　improve　the　shining
hours　by　going　to　sleep；　and　talk　about　it　in　the　morning！〃

〃And　you　won't　go　away？〃　I　asked　gloomily。

〃Why；　how　can　I；　dear？　　It　is　only　three　weeks　more　and　then
we　will　take　a　nice　little　trip　of　a　few　days　while　Jennie　is
getting　the　house　ready。　　Really　dear　you　are　better！〃

〃Better　in　body　perhaps〃　I　began；　and　stopped　short；　for
he　sat　up　straight　and　looked　at　me　with　such　a　stern；
reproachful　look　that　I　could　not　say　another　word。

〃My　darling；〃　said　he；　〃I　beg　of　you；　for　my　sake　and　for
our　child's　sake；　as　well　as　for　your　own；　that　you　will　never
for　one　instant　let　that　idea　enter　your　mind！　　There　is　nothing
so　dangerous；　so　fascinating；　to　a　temperament　like　yours。　　It　is
a　false　and　foolish　fancy。　　Can　you　not　trust　me　as　a　physician
when　I　tell　you　so？〃

So　of　course　I　said　no　more　on　that　score；　and　we　went　to
sleep　before　long。　　He　thought　I　was　asleep　first；　but　I　wasn't；
and　lay　there　for　hours　trying　to　decide　whether　that　front
pattern　and　the　back　pattern　really　did　move　together　or
separately。


On　a　pattern　like　this；　by　daylight；　there　is　a　lack　of
sequence；　a　defiance　of　law；　that　is　a　constant　irritant　to　a
normal　mind。

The　color　is　hideous　enough；　and　unreliable　enough；　and
infuriating　enough；　but　the　pattern　is　torturing。

You　think　you　have　mastered　it；　but　just　as　you　get　well
underway　in　following；　it　turns　a　back…somersault　and　there　you
are。　　It　slaps　you　in　the　face；　knocks　you　down；　and　tramples
upon　you。　　It　is　like　a　bad　dream。

The　outside　pattern　is　a　florid　arabesque；　reminding　one　of
a　fungus。　　If　you　can　imagine　a　toadstool　in　joints；　an
interminable　string　of　toadstools；　budding　and　sprouting　in
endless　convolutionswhy；　that　is　something　like　it。

That　is；　sometimes！

There　is　one　marked　peculiarity　about　this　paper；　a　thing
nobody　seems　to　notice　but　myself；and　that　is　that　it　changes　as
the　light　changes。

When　the　sun　shoots　in　through　the　east　windowI　always
watch　for　that　first　long；　straight　rayit　changes　so　quickly
that　I　never　can　quite　believe　it。

That　is　why　I　watch　it　always。

By　moonlightthe　moon　shines　in　all　night　when　there　is　a
moonI　wouldn't　know　it　was　the　same　paper。

At　night　in　any　kind　of　light；　in　twilight；　candle　light；
lamplight；　and　worst　of　all　by　moonlight；　it　becomes　bars！　　The
outside　pattern　I　mean；　and　the　woman　behin