fantastic fables-第13部分

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〃Why　do　you　appeal　to　the　law？〃　said　the　Magistrate　…　〃You　who　go　



in　for　the　abolition　of　law。〃







〃That；〃　replied　the　Anarchist；　who　was　not　without　a　certain　



hardness　of　head；　〃that　is　none　of　your　business；　I　am　not　bound　to　



be　consistent。　　You　sit　here　to　do　justice　between　me　and　this　Dead　



Cat。〃







〃Very　well；〃　said　the　Magistrate；　putting　on　the　black　cap　and　a　



solemn　look；　〃as　the　accused　makes　no　defence；　and　is　undoubtedly　



guilty；　I　sentence　her　to　be　eaten　by　the　public　executioner；　and　



as　that　position　happens　to　be　vacant；　I　appoint　you　to　it；　without　



bonds。〃







One　of　the　most　delighted　spectators　at　the　execution　was　the　



anonymous　Respector　of　Law　who　had　flung　the　condemned。















The　Honourable　Member















A　MEMBER　of　a　Legislature；　who　had　pledged　himself　to　his　



Constituents　not　to　steal；　brought　home　at　the　end　of　the　session　a　



large　part　of　the　dome　of　the　Capitol。　　Thereupon　the　Constituents　



held　an　indignation　meeting　and　passed　a　resolution　of　tar　and　



feathers。







〃You　are　most　unjust；〃　said　the　Member　of　the　Legislature。　　〃It　is　



true　I　promised　you　I　would　not　steal；　but　had　I　ever　promised　you　



that　I　would　not　lie？〃







The　Constituents　said　he　was　an　honourable　man　and　elected　him　to　



the　United　States　Congress；　unpledged　and　unfledged。















The　Expatriated　Boss















A　BOSS　who　had　gone　to　Canada　was　taunted　by　a　Citizen　of　Montreal　



with　having　fled　to　avoid　prosecution。







〃You　do　me　a　grave　injustice；〃　said　the　Boss；　parting　with　a　pair　



of　tears。　　〃I　came　to　Canada　solely　because　of　its　political　



attractions；　its　Government　is　the　most　corrupt　in　the　world。〃







〃Pray　forgive　me；〃　said　the　Citizen　of　Montreal。







They　fell　upon　each　other's　neck；　and　at　the　conclusion　of　that　



touching　rite　the　Boss　had　two　watches。















An　Inadequate　Fee















AN　Ox；　unable　to　extricate　himself　from　the　mire　into　which　he　



sank；　was　advised　to　make　use　of　a　Political　Pull。　　When　the　



Political　Pull　had　arrived；　the　Ox　said：　〃My　good　friend；　please　



make　fast　to　me；　and　let　nature　take　her　course。〃







So　the　Political　Pull　made　fast　to　the　Ox's　head　and　nature　took　



her　course。　　The　Ox　was　drawn；　first；　from　the　mire；　and；　next；　



from　his　skin。　　Then　the　Political　Pull　looked　back　upon　the　good　



fat　carcase　of　beef　that　he　was　dragging　to　his　lair　and　said；　with　



a　discontented　spirit：







〃That　is　hardly　my　customary　fee；　I'll　take　home　this　first　



instalment；　then　return　and　bring　an　action　for　salvage　against　the　



skin。〃















The　Judge　and　the　Plaintiff















A　MAN　of　Experience　in　Business　was　awaiting　the　judgment　of　the　



Court　in　an　action　for　damages　which　he　had　brought　against　a　



railway　company。　　The　door　opened　and　the　Judge　of　the　Court　



entered。







〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃I　am　going　to　decide　your　case　to…day。　　If　I　



should　decide　in　your　favour；　I　wonder　how　you　would　express　your　



satisfaction？〃







〃Sir；〃　said　the　Man　of　Experience　in　Business；　〃I　should　risk　your　



anger　by　offering　you　one　half　the　sum　awarded。〃







〃Did　I　say　I　was　going　to　decide　that　case？〃　said　the　Judge；　



abruptly；　as　if　awakening　from　a　dream。　　〃Dear　me；　how　absent…



minded　I　am。　　I　mean　I　have　already　decided　it；　and　judgment　has　



been　entered　for　the　full　amount　that　you　sued　for。〃







〃Did　I　say　I　would　give　you　one　half？〃　said　the　Man　of　Experience　



in　Business；　coldly。　　〃Dear　me；　how　near　I　came　to　being　a　rascal。　　



I　mean；　that　I　am　greatly　obliged　to　you。〃















The　Return　of　the　Representative















HEARING　that　the　Legislature　had　adjourned；　the　people　of　an　



Assembly　District　held　a　mass…meeting　to　devise　a　suitable　



punishment　for　their　representative。　　By　one　speaker　it　was　



proposed　that　he　be　disembowelled；　by　another　that　he　be　made　to　



run　the　gauntlet。　　Some　favoured　hanging；　some　thought　that　it　



would　do　him　good　to　appear　in　a　suit　of　tar　and　feathers。　　An　old　



man；　famous　for　his　wisdom　and　his　habit　of　drooling　on　his　shirt…



front；　suggested　that　they　first　catch　their　hare。　　So　the　Chairman　



appointed　a　committee　to　watch　for　the　victim　at　midnight；　and　take　



him　as　he　should　attempt　to　sneak　into　town　across…lots　from　the　



tamarack　swamp。　　At　this　point　in　the　proceedings　they　were　



interrupted　by　the　sound　of　a　brass　band。　　Their　dishonoured　



representative　was　driving　up　from　the　railway　station　in　a　coach…



and…four；　with　music　and　a　banner。　　A　few　moments　later　he　entered　



the　hall；　went　upon　the　platform；　and　said　it　was　the　proudest　



moment　of　his　life。　（Cheers。）















A　Statesman















A　STATESMAN　who　attended　a　meeting　of　a　Chamber　of　Commerce　rose　to　



speak；　but　was　objected　to　on　the　ground　that　he　had　nothing　to　do　



with　commerce。







〃Mr。　Chairman；〃　said　an　Aged　Member；　rising；　〃I　conceive　that　the　



objection　is　not　well　taken；　the　gentleman's　connection　with　



commerce　is　close　and　intimate。　　He　is　a　Commodity。〃















Two　Dogs















THE　Dog；　as　created；　had　a　rigid　tail；　but　after　some　centuries　of　



a　cheerless　existence；　unappreciated　by　Man；　who　made　him　work　for　



his　living；　he　implored　the　Creator　to　endow　him　with　a　wag。　　This　



being　done　he　was　able　to　dissemble　his　resentment　with　a　sign　of　



affection；　and　the　earth　was　his　and　the　fulness　thereof。　　



Observing　this；　the　Politician　（an　animal　created　later）　petitioned　



that　a　wag　might　be　given　him　too。　　As　he　was　incaudate　it　was　



conferred　upon　his　chin；　which　he　now　wags　with　great　profit　and　



gratification　except　when　he　is　at　his　meals。















Three　Recruits















A　FARMER；　an　Artisan；　and　a　Labourer　went　to　the　King　of　their　



country　and　complained　that　they　were　compelled　to　support　a　large　



standing　army　of　mere　consumers；　who　did　nothing　for　their　keep。







〃Very　well；〃　said　the　King；　〃my　subjects'　wishes　are　the　highest　



law。〃







So　he　disbanded　his　army　and　the　consumers　became　producers　also。　　



The　sale　of　their　products　so　brought　down　prices　that　farming　was　



ruined；　and　their　skilled　and　unskilled　labour　drove　the　artisans　



and　labourers　into　the　almshouses　and　highways。　　In　a　few　years　the　



national　distress　was　so　great　that　the　Farmer；　the　Artisan；　and　



the　Labourer　petitioned　the　King　to　reorganize　the　standing　army。







〃What！〃　said　the　King；　〃you　wish　to　support　those　idle　consumers　



again？〃







〃No；　your　Majesty；〃　they　replied　…　〃we　wish　to　enlist。〃















The　Mirror















A　SILKEN…EARED　Spaniel；　who　traced　his　descent　from　King　Charles　



the　Second　of　England；　chanced　to　look　into　a　mirror　which　was　



leaning　against　the　wainscoting　of　a　room　on　the　ground　floor　of　



his　mistress's　house。　　Seeing　his　reflection；　he　supposed　it　to　be　



another　dog；　outside；　and　said：







〃I　can　chew　up　any　such　milksoppy　pup　as　that；　and　I　will。〃







So　he　ran　out…of…doors　and　around　to　the　side　of　the　house　where　he　



fancied　the　enemy　was。　　It　so　happened　that　at　that　moment　a　



Bulldog　sat　there　sunning　his　teeth。　　The　Spaniel　stopped　short　in　



dire　consternation；　and；　after　regarding　the　Bulldog　a　moment　from　



a　safe　distance；　said：







〃I　don't　know　whether　you　cultivate　the　arts　of　peace　or　your　flag　



is　flung　to　the　battle　and　the　breeze　and　your　voice　is　for　war。　　



If　you　are　a　civilian；　the　windows　of　this　house　flatter　you　worse　



than　a　newspaper；　but　if　you're　a　soldier；　they　do　you　a　grave　



injustice。〃







This　speech　being　unintelligible　to　the　Bulldog　he　only　civilly　



smiled；　which　so　terrified　the　Spaniel　that　he　dropped　dead　in　his　



tracks。















Saint　and　Sinner















〃MY　friend；〃　said　a　distinguished　officer　of　the　Salvation　Army；　to　



a　Most　Wicked　Sinner；　〃I　was　once　a　drunkard；　a　thief；　an　assassin。　　



The　Divine　Grace　has　made　me　what　I　am。〃







The　Most　Wicked　Sinner　looked　at　him　from　head　to　foot。　　



〃Henceforth；〃　he　said；　〃the　Divine　Grace；　I　fancy；　will　let　well　



enough　alone。〃















An　Antidote















A　YOUNG　Ostrich　came　to　its　Mother；　groaning　with　pain　and　with　its　



wings　tightly　crossed　upon　its　stomach。







〃What　have　you　been　eating？〃　the　Mother　asked；　with　solicitude。







〃Nothing　but　a　keg　of　Nails；〃　was　the　reply。







〃What！〃　exclaimed　the　Mother；　〃a　whole　keg　of　Nails；　at　your　age！　　



Why；　you　will　kill　yourself　that　way。　　Go　quickly；　my　child；　and　



swallow　a　claw…hammer。〃















A　Weary　Echo















A　CONVENTION　of　female　writers；　which　for　two　days　had　been　



stuffing　Woman's　couch　with　goose…quills　and　hailing　the　down　of　a　



new　era；　adjourned　with　unabated　enthusiasm；　shouting；　〃Place　aux　



dames！〃　　And　Echo　wearily　replied；　〃Oh；　damn。〃















The　Ingenious　Blackmailer















AN　Inventor　went　to　a　King　and　was　granted　an　audience；　when　the　



following　conversation　ensued：







INVENTOR。　…　〃May　it　please　your　Majesty；　I　have　invented　a　rifle　



that　discharges　lightning。〃







KING。　…　〃Ah；　you　wish　to　sell　me　the　secret。〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃Yes；　it　will　enable　your　army　to　overrun　any　nation　



that　is　accessible。〃







KING。　…　〃In　order　to　get　any　good　of　my　outlay　for　your　invention；　



I　must　make　a　war；　and　do　so　as　soon　as　I　can　arm　my　troops　…　



before　your　secret　is　discovered　by　foreign　nations。　　How　much　do　



you　want？〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃One　million　dollars。〃







KING。　…　〃And　how　much　will　it　cost　to　make　the　change　of　a