fantastic fables-第15部分

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〃The　best　in　the　world；〃　the　applicant　replied；　confidentially；　〃I　



am　about　to　become　your　son…in…law。〃







〃That　would　indeed　be　gilt…edged；〃　said　the　banker；　gravely；　〃but　



what　claim　have　you　to　the　hand　of　my　daughter？〃







〃One　that　cannot　be　lightly　denied；〃　said　the　Tatterdemalion。　　〃I　



am　about　to　become　worth　one　hundred　thousand　dollars。〃







Unable　to　detect　a　weak　point　in　this　scheme　of　mutual　advantage；　



the　financier　gave　the　promoter　in　disguise　an　order　for　the　money；　



and　wrote　a　note　to　his　wife　directing　her　to　count　out　the　girl。















The　Statesman　and　the　Horse















A　STATESMAN　who　had　saved　his　country　was　returning　from　Washington　



on　foot；　when　he　met　a　Race　Horse　going　at　full　speed；　and　stopped　



it。







〃Turn　about　and　travel　the　other　way；〃　said　the　Statesman；　〃and　I　



will　keep　you　company　as　far　as　my　home。　　The　advantages　of　



travelling　together　are　obvious。〃







〃I　cannot　do　that；〃　said　the　Race　Horse；　〃I　am　following　my　master　



to　Washington。　　I　did　not　go　fast　enough　to　suit　him；　and　he　has　



gone　on　ahead。〃







〃Who　is　your　master？〃　inquired　the　Statesman。







〃He　is　the　Statesman　who　saved　his　country；〃　answered　the　Race　



Horse。







〃There　appears　to　be　some　mistake；〃　the　other　said。　　〃Why　did　he　



wish　to　travel　so　fast？〃







〃So　as　to　be　there　in　time　to　get　the　country　that　he　saved。〃







〃I　guess　he　got　it；〃　said　the　other；　and　limped　along；　sighing。















An　AErophobe















A　CELEBRATED　Divine　having　affirmed　the　fallibility　of　the　Bible；　



was　asked　why；　then；　he　preached　the　religion　founded　upon　it。







〃If　it　is　fallible；〃　he　replied；　〃there　is　the　greater　reason　that　



I　explain　it；　lest　it　mislead。〃







〃Then　am　I　to　infer；〃　said　his　Questioner；　〃that　YOU　are　not　



fallible？〃







〃You　are　to　infer　that　I　am　not　pneumophagous。〃















The　Thrift　of　Strength















A　WEAK　Man　going　down…hill　met　a　Strong　Man　going　up；　and　said：







〃I　take　this　direction　because　it　requires　less　exertion；　not　from　



choice。　　I　pray　you；　sir；　assist　me　to　regain　the　summit。〃







〃Gladly；〃　said　the　Strong　Man；　his　face　illuminated　with　the　glory　



of　his　thought。　　〃I　have　always　considered　my　strength　a　sacred　



gift　in　trust　for　my　fellow…men。　　I　will　take　you　along　with　me。　　



Just　get　behind　me　and　push。〃















The　Good　Government















〃WHAT　a　happy　land　you　are！〃　said　a　Republican　Form　of　Government　



to　a　Sovereign　State。　　〃Be　good　enough　to　lie　still　while　I　walk　



upon　you；　singing　the　praises　of　universal　suffrage　and　descanting　



upon　the　blessings　of　civil　and　religious　liberty。　　In　the　meantime　



you　can　relieve　your　feelings　by　cursing　the　one…man　power　and　the　



effete　monarchies　of　Europe。〃







〃My　public　servants　have　been　fools　and　rogues　from　the　date　of　



your　accession　to　power；〃　replied　the　State；　〃my　legislative　



bodies；　both　State　and　municipal；　are　bands　of　thieves；　my　taxes　



are　insupportable；　my　courts　are　corrupt；　my　cities　are　a　disgrace　



to　civilisation；　my　corporations　have　their　hands　at　the　throats　of　



every　private　interest　…　all　my　affairs　are　in　disorder　and　



criminal　confusion。〃







〃That　is　all　very　true；〃　said　the　Republican　Form　of　Government；　



putting　on　its　hobnail　shoes；　〃but　consider　how　I　thrill　you　every　



Fourth　of　July。〃















The　Life　Saver















AN　Ancient　Maiden；　standing　on　the　edge　of　a　wharf　near　a　Modern　



Swain；　was　overheard　rehearsing　the　words：







〃Noble　preserver！　　The　life　that　you　have　saved　is　yours！〃







Having　repeated　them　several　times　with　various　intonations；　she　



sprang　into　the　water；　where　she　was　suffered　to　drown。







〃I　am　a　noble　preserver；〃　said　the　Modern　Swain；　thoughtfully　



moving　away；　〃the　life　that　I　have　saved　is　indeed　mine。〃















The　Man　and　the　Bird















A　MAN　with　a　Shotgun　said　to　a　Bird：







〃It　is　all　nonsense；　you　know；　about　shooting　being　a　cruel　sport。　　



I　put　my　skill　against　your　cunning…that　is　all　there　is　of　it。　　It　



is　a　fair　game。〃







〃True；〃　said　the　Bird；　〃but　I　don't　wish　to　play。〃







〃Why　not？〃　inquired　the　Man　with　a　Shotgun。







〃The　game；〃　the　Bird　replied；　〃is　fair　as　you　say；　the　chances　are　



about　even；　but　consider　the　stake。　　I　am　in　it　for　you；　but　what　



is　there　in　it　for　me？〃







Not　being　prepared　with　an　answer　to　the　question；　the　Man　with　a　



Shotgun　sagaciously　removed　the　propounder。















From　the　Minutes















AN　Orator　afflicted　with　atrophy　of　the　organ　of　common…sense　rose　



in　his　place　in　the　halls　of　legislation　and　pointed　with　pride　to　



his　Unblotted　Escutcheon。　　Seeing　what　it　supposed　to　be　the　finger　



of　scorn　pointed　at　it；　the　Unblotted　Escutcheon　turned　black　with　



rage。　　Seeing　the　Unblotted　Escutcheon　turning　black　with　what　he　



supposed　to　be　the　record　of　his　own　misdeeds　showing　through　the　



whitewash；　the　Orator　fell　dead　of　mortification。　　Seeing　the　



Orator　fall　dead　of　what　they　supposed　to　be　atrophy　of　the　organ　



of　common…sense；　his　colleagues　resolved　that　whenever　they　should　



adjourn　because　they　were　tired；　it　should　be　out　of　respect　to　the　



memory　of　him　who　had　so　frequently　made　them　so。















Three　of　a　Kind















A　LAWYER　in　whom　an　instinct　of　justice　had　survived　the　wreck　of　



his　ignorance　of　law　was　retained　for　the　defence　of　a　burglar　whom　



the　police　had　taken　after　a　desperate　struggle　with　someone　not　in　



custody。　　In　consultation　with　his　client　the　Lawyer　asked；　〃Have　



you　accomplices？〃







〃Yes；　sir；〃　replied　the　Burglar。　　〃I　have　two；　but　neither　has　been　



taken。　　I　hired　one　to　defend　me　against　capture；　you　to　defend　me　



against　conviction。〃







This　answer　deeply　impressed　the　Lawyer；　and　having　ascertained　



that　the　Burglar　had　accumulated　no　money　in　his　profession　he　



threw　up　the　case。















The　Fabulist　and　the　Animals















A　WISE　and　illustrious　Writer　of　Fables　was　visiting　a　travelling　



menagerie　with　a　view　to　collecting　literary　materials。　　As　he　was　



passing　near　the　Elephant；　that　animal　said：







〃How　sad　that　so　justly　famous　a　satirist　should　mar　his　work　by　



ridicule　of　people　with　long　noses　…　who　are　the　salt　of　the　



earth！〃







The　Kangaroo　said：







〃I　do　so　enjoy　that　great　man's　censure　of　the　ridiculous　…　



particularly　his　attacks　on　the　Proboscidae；　but；　alas！　he　has　no　



reverence　for　the　Marsupials；　and　laughs　at　our　way　of　carrying　our　



young　in　a　pouch。〃







The　Camel　said：







〃If　he　would　only　respect　the　sacred　Hump；　he　would　be　faultless。　　



As　it　is；　I　cannot　permit　his　fables　to　be　read　in　the　presence　of　



my　family。〃







The　Ostrich；　seeing　his　approach；　thrust　her　head　in　the　straw；　



saying：







〃If　I　do　not　conceal　myself；　he　may　be　reminded　to　write　something　



disagreeable　about　my　lack　of　a　crest　or　my　appetite　for　scrap…



iron；　and　although　he　is　inexpressibly　brilliant　when　he　devotes　



himself　to　censure　of　folly　and　greed；　his　dulness　is　matchless　



when　he　transcends　the　limits　of　legitimate　comment。〃







〃That；'　said　the　Buzzard　to　his　mate；　〃is　the　distinguished　author　



of　that　glorious　fable；　'The　Ostrich　and　the　Keg　of　Raw　Nails。'　　I　



regret　to　add；　that　he　wrote；　also；　'The　Buzzard's　Feast；'　in　which　



a　carrion　diet　is　contumeliously　disparaged。　　A　carrion　diet　is　the　



foundation　of　sound　health。　　If　nothing　else　but　corpses　were　



eaten；　death　would　be　unknown。〃







Seeing　an　attendant　approaching；　the　wise　and　illustrious　Writer　of　



Fables　passed　out　of　the　tent　and　mingled　with　the　crowd。　　It　was　



afterward　discovered　that　he　had　crept　in　under　the　canvas　without　



paying。















A　Revivalist　Revived















A　REVIVALIST　who　had　fallen　dead　in　the　pulpit　from　too　violent　



religious　exercise　was　astonished　to　wake　up　in　Hades。　　He　promptly　



sent　for　the　Adversary　of　Souls　and　demanded　his　freedom；　



explaining　that　he　was　entirely　orthodox；　and　had　always　led　a　



pious　and　holy　life。







〃That　is　all　very　true；〃　said　the　Adversary；　〃but　you　taught　by　



example　that　a　verb　should　not　agree　with　its　subject　in　person　and　



number；　whereas　the　Good　Book　says　that　contention　is　worse　than　a　



dinner　of　herbs。　　You　also　tried　to　release　the　objective　case　from　



its　thraldom　to　the　preposition；　and　it　is　written　that　servants　



should　obey　their　masters。　　You　stay　right　here。〃















The　Debaters















A　HURLED…BACK　Allegation；　which；　after　a　brief　rest；　had　again　



started　forth　upon　its　mission　of　mischief；　met　an　Ink…stand　in　



mid…air。







〃How　did　the　Honourable　Member　whom　you　represent　know　that　I　was　



coming　again？〃　inquired　the　Hurled…back　Allegation。







〃He　did　not；〃　the　Inkstand　replied；　〃he　isn't　at　all　forehanded　at　



repartee。〃







〃Why；　then；　do　you　come；　things　being　even　when　he　had　hurled　me　



back？〃







〃He　wanted　to　be　a　little　ahead。〃















Two　of　the　Pious















A　CHRISTIAN　and　a　Heathen　in　His　Blindness　were　disputing；　when　the　



Christian；　with　that　charming　consideration　which　serves　to　



distinguish　the　truly　pious　from　the　wolves　that　perish；　exclaimed：







〃If　I　could　have　my　way；　I'd　blow　up　all　your　gods　with　dynamite。〃







〃And　if　I　could　have　mine；〃　retorted　the　Heathen　in　His　Blindness；　



bitterly　malevolent　but　oleaginuously　suave；　〃I'd　fan　all　yours　out　



of　the　universe。〃















The　Desperate　Obj