fantastic fables-第5部分

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immaterial；　but　the　fact　that　he　did　not　consult　his　timepiece　and　



make　answer　after　due　deliberation　and　consideration　is　fatal。　　The　



answer　given；〃　continued　the　Grave　Person；　consulting　his　own　



timepiece；　〃is　of　no　effect；　invalid；　and　absurd。〃







〃What；　then；〃　said　the　Man　in　a　Hurry；　eagerly；　〃is　the　time　of　



day？〃







〃The　question　is　remanded　to　the　Party　Over　There　for　a　new　



answer；〃　replied　the　Grave　Person；　returning　his　watch　to　his　



pocket　and　moving　away　with　great　dignity。







He　was　a　Judge　of　an　Appellate　Court。















The　Poetess　of　Reform















ONE　pleasant　day　in　the　latter　part　of　eternity；　as　the　Shades　of　



all　the　great　writers　were　reposing　upon　beds　of　asphodel　and　moly　



in　the　Elysian　fields；　each　happy　in　hearing　from　the　lips　of　the　



others　nothing　but　copious　quotation　from　his　own　works　（for　so　



Jove　had　kindly　bedeviled　their　ears）；　there　came　in　among　them　



with　triumphant　mien　a　Shade　whom　none　knew。　　She　（for　the　newcomer　



showed　such　evidences　of　sex　as　cropped　hair　and　a　manly　stride）　



took　a　seat　in　their　midst；　and　smiling　a　superior　smile　explained：







〃After　centuries　of　oppression　I　have　wrested　my　rights　from　the　



grasp　of　the　jealous　gods。　　On　earth　I　was　the　Poetess　of　Reform；　



and　sang　to　inattentive　ears。　　Now　for　an　eternity　of　honour　and　



glory。〃







But　it　was　not　to　be　so；　and　soon　she　was　the　unhappiest　of　



mortals；　vainly　desirous　to　wander　again　in　gloom　by　the　infernal　



lakes。　　For　Jove　had　not　bedeviled　her　ears；　and　she　heard　from　the　



lips　of　each　blessed　Shade　an　incessant　flow　of　quotation　from　his　



own　works。　　Moreover；　she　was　denied　the　happiness　of　repeating　her　



poems。　　She　could　not　recall　a　line　of　them；　for　Jove　had　decreed　



that　the　memory　of　them　abide　in　Pluto's　painful　domain；　as　a　part　



of　the　apparatus。















The　Unchanged　Diplomatist















THE　republic　of　Madagonia　had　been　long　and　well　represented　at　the　



court　of　the　King　of　Patagascar　by　an　officer　called　a　Dazie；　but　



one　day　the　Madagonian　Parliament　conferred　upon　him　the　superior　



rank　of　Dandee。　　The　next　day　after　being　apprised　of　his　new　



dignity　he　hastened　to　inform　the　King　of　Patagascar。







〃Ah；　yes；　I　understand；〃　said　the　King；　〃you　have　been　promoted　and　



given　increased　pay　and　allowances。　　There　was　an　appropriation？〃







〃Yes；　your　Majesty。〃







〃And　you　have　now　two　heads；　have　you　not？〃







〃Oh；　no；　your　Majesty　…　only　one；　I　assure　you。〃







〃Indeed？　　And　how　many　legs　and　arms？〃







〃Two　of　each；　Sire　…　only　two　of　each。〃







〃And　only　one　body？〃







〃Just　a　single　body；　as　you　perceive。〃







Thoughtfully　removing　his　crown　and　scratching　the　royal　head；　the　



monarch　was　silent　a　moment；　and　then　he　said：







〃I　fancy　that　appropriation　has　been　misapplied。　　You　seem　to　be　



about　the　same　kind　of　idiot　that　you　were　before。〃















An　Invitation















A　PIOUS　Person　who　had　overcharged　his　paunch　with　dead　bird　by　way　



of　attesting　his　gratitude　for　escaping　the　many　calamities　which　



Heaven　had　sent　upon　others；　fell　asleep　at　table　and　dreamed。　　He　



thought　he　lived　in　a　country　where　turkeys　were　the　ruling　class；　



and　every　year　they　held　a　feast　to　manifest　their　sense　of　



Heaven's　goodness　in　sparing　their　lives　to　kill　them　later。　　One　



day；　about　a　week　before　one　of　these　feasts；　he　met　the　Supreme　



Gobbler；　who　said：







〃You　will　please　get　yourself　into　good　condition　for　the　



Thanksgiving　dinner。〃







〃Yes；　your　Excellency；〃　replied　the　Pious　Person；　delighted；　〃I　



shall　come　hungry；　I　assure　you。　　It　is　no　small　privilege　to　dine　



with　your　Excellency。〃







The　Supreme　Gobbler　eyed　him　for　a　moment　in　silence；　then　he　said：







〃As　one　of　the　lower　domestic　animals；　you　cannot　be　expected　to　



know　much；　but　you　might　know　something。　　Since　you　do　not；　you　



will　permit　me　to　point　out　that　being　asked　to　dinner　is　one　



thing；　being　asked　to　dine　is　another　and　a　different　thing。〃







With　this　significant　remark　the　Supreme　Gobbler　left　him；　and　



thenceforward　the　Pious　Person　dreamed　of　himself　as　white　meat　and　



dark　until　rudely　awakened　by　decapitation。















The　Ashes　of　Madame　Blavatsky















THE　two　brightest　lights　of　Theosophy　being　in　the　same　place　at　



once　in　company　with　the　Ashes　of　Madame　Blavatsky；　an　Inquiring　



Soul　thought　the　time　propitious　to　learn　something　worth　while。　　



So　he　sat　at　the　feet　of　one　awhile；　and　then　he　sat　awhile　at　the　



feet　of　the　other；　and　at　last　he　applied　his　ear　to　the　keyhole　of　



the　casket　containing　the　Ashes　of　Madame　Blavatsky。　　When　the　



Inquiring　Soul　had　completed　his　course　of　instruction　he　declared　



himself　the　Ahkoond　of　Swat；　fell　into　the　baleful　habit　of　



standing　on　his　head；　and　swore　that　the　mother　who　bore　him　was　a　



pragmatic　paralogism。　　Wherefore　he　was　held　in　high　reverence；　and　



when　the　two　other　gentlemen　were　hanged　for　lying　the　Theosophists　



elected　him　to　the　leadership　of　their　Disastral　Body；　and　after　a　



quiet　life　and　an　honourable　death　by　the　kick　of　a　jackass　he　was　



reincarnated　as　a　Yellow　Dog。　　As　such　he　ate　the　Ashes　of　Madame　



Blavatsky；　and　Theosophy　was　no　more。















The　Opossum　of　the　Future















ONE　day　an　Opossum　who　had　gone　to　sleep　hanging　from　the　highest　



branch　of　a　tree　by　the　tail；　awoke　and　saw　a　large　Snake　wound　



about　the　limb；　between　him　and　the　trunk　of　the　tree。







〃If　I　hold　on；〃　he　said　to　himself；　〃I　shall　be　swallowed；　if　I　let　



go　I　shall　break　my　neck。〃







But　suddenly　he　bethought　himself　to　dissemble。







〃My　perfected　friend；〃　he　said；　〃my　parental　instinct　recognises　in　



you　a　noble　evidence　and　illustration　of　the　theory　of　development。　　



You　are　the　Opossum　of　the　Future；　the　ultimate　Fittest　Survivor　of　



our　species；　the　ripe　result　of　progressive　prehensility　…　all　



tail！〃







But　the　Snake；　proud　of　his　ancient　eminence　in　Scriptural　history；　



was　strictly　orthodox；　and　did　not　accept　the　scientific　view。















The　Life…Savers















SEVENTY…FIVE　Men　presented　themselves　before　the　President　of　the　



Humane　Society　and　demanded　the　great　gold　medal　for　life…saving。







〃Why；　yes；〃　said　the　President；　〃by　diligent　effort　so　many　men　



must　have　saved　a　considerable　number　of　lives。　　How　many　did　you　



save？〃







〃Seventy…five；　sir；〃　replied　their　Spokesman。







〃Ah；　yes；　that　is　one　each　…　very　good　work　…　very　good　work；　



indeed；〃　the　President　said。　　〃You　shall　not　only　have　the　



Society's　great　gold　medal；　but　its　recommendation　for　employment　



at　the　various　life…boat　stations　along　the　coast。　　But　how　did　you　



save　so　many　lives？〃







The　Spokesman　of　the　Men　replied：







〃We　are　officers　of　the　law；　and　have　just　returned　from　the　



pursuit　of　two　murderous　outlaws。〃















The　Australian　Grasshopper















A　DISTINGUISHED　Naturalist　was　travelling　in　Australia；　when　he　saw　



a　Kangaroo　in　session　and　flung　a　stone　at　it。　　The　Kangaroo　



immediately　adjourned；　tracing　against　the　sunset　sky　a　parabolic　



curve　spanning　seven　provinces；　and　evanished　below　the　horizon。　　



The　Distinguished　Naturalist　looked　interested；　but　said　nothing　



for　an　hour；　then　he　said　to　his　native　Guide：







〃You　have　pretty　wide　meadows　here；　I　suppose？〃







〃No；　not　very　wide；〃　the　Guide　answered；　〃about　the　same　as　in　



England　and　America。〃







After　another　long　silence　the　Distinguished　Naturalist　said：







〃The　hay　which　we　shall　purchase　for　our　horses　this　evening　…　I　



shall　expect　to　find　the　stalks　about　fifty　feet　long。　　Am　I　



right？〃







〃Why；　no；〃　said　the　Guide；　〃a　foot　or　two　is　about　the　usual　length　



of　our　hay。　　What　can　you　be　thinking　of？〃







The　Distinguished　Naturalist　made　no　immediate　reply；　but　later；　as　



in　the　shades　of　night　they　journeyed　through　the　desolate　vastness　



of　the　Great　Lone　Land；　he　broke　the　silence：







〃I　was　thinking；〃　he　said；　〃of　the　uncommon　magnitude　of　that　



grass…hopper。〃















The　Pavior















AN　Author　saw　a　Labourer　hammering　stones　into　the　pavement　of　a　



street；　and　approaching　him　said：







〃My　friend；　you　seem　weary。　　Ambition　is　a　hard　taskmaster。〃







〃I'm　working　for　Mr。　Jones；　sir；〃　the　Labourer　replied。







〃Well；　cheer　up；〃　the　Author　resumed；　〃fame　comes　at　the　most　



unexpected　times。　　To…day　you　are　poor；　obscure；　and　disheartened；　



and　to…morrow　the　world　may　be　ringing　with　your　name。〃







〃What　are　you　giving　me？〃　the　Labourer　said。　　〃Cannot　an　honest　



pavior　perform　his　work　in　peace；　and　get　his　money　for　it；　and　his　



living　by　it；　without　others　talking　rot　about　ambition　and　hopes　



of　fame？〃







〃Cannot　an　honest　writer？〃　said　the　Author。















The　Tried　Assassin















AN　Assassin　being　put　upon　trial　in　a　New　England　court；　his　



Counsel　rose　and　said：　〃Your　Honour；　I　move　for　a　discharge　on　the　



ground　of　'once　in　jeopardy'：　my　client　has　been　already　tried　for　



that　murder　and　acquitted。〃







〃In　what　court？〃　asked　the　Judge。







〃In　the　Superior　Court　of　San　Francisco；〃　the　Counsel　replied。







〃Let　the　trial　proceed　…　your　motion　is　denied；〃　said　the　Judge。　　



〃An　Assassin　is　not　in　jeopardy　when　tried　in　California。〃















The　Bumbo　of　Jiam















THE　Pahdour　of　Patagascar　and　the　Gookul　of　Madagonia　were　



disputing　about　an　island　which　both　claimed。　　Finally；　at　the　



sugges