father sergius-第9部分

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asleep。　But　that　sleep　lasted　only　for　a　moment。　　He　woke　up

immediately　and　began　not　to　dream　but　to　remember。



He　saw　himself　as　a　child　in　his　mother's　home　in　the　country。　　A

carriage　drives　up；　and　out　of　it　steps　Uncle　Nicholas

Sergeevich；　with　his　long；　spade…shaped；　black　beard；　and　with

him　Pashenka；　a　thin　little　girl　with　large　mild　eyes　and　a　timid

pathetic　face。　　And　into　their　company　of　boys　Pashenka　is

brought　and　they　have　to　play　with　her；　but　it　is　dull。　　She　is

silly；　and　it　ends　by　their　making　fun　of　her　and　forcing　her　to

show　how　she　can　swim。　　She　lies　down　on　the　floor　and　shows

them；　and　they　all　laugh　and　make　a　fool　of　her。　　She　sees　this

and　blushes　red　in　patches　and　becomes　more　pitiable　than　before；

so　pitiable　that　he　feels　ashamed　and　can　never　forget　that

crooked；　kindly；　submissive　smile。　　And　Sergius　remembered　having

seen　her　since　then。　　Long　after；　just　before　he　became　a　monk；

she　had　married　a　landowner　who　squandered　all　her　fortune　and

was　in　the　habit　of　beating　her。　　She　had　had　two　children；　a　son

and　a　daughter；　but　the　son　had　died　while　still　young。　　And

Sergius　remembered　having　seen　her　very　wretched。　　Then　again　he

had　seen　her　in　the　monastery　when　she　was　a　widow。　　She　had　been

still　the　same；　not　exactly　stupid；　but　insipid；　insignificant；

and　pitiable。　　She　had　come　with　her　daughter　and　her　daughter's

fiance。　　They　were　already　poor　at　that　time　and　later　on　he　had

heard　that　she　was　living　in　a　small　provincial　town　and　was　very

poor。



'Why　am　I　thinking　about　her？'　he　asked　himself；　but　he　could　not

cease　doing　so。　　'Where　is　she？　　How　is　she　getting　on？　　Is　she

still　as　unhappy　as　she　was　then　when　she　had　to　show　us　how　to

swim　on　the　floor？　　But　why　should　I　think　about　her？　　What　am　I

doing？　　I　must　put　an　end　to　myself。'



And　again　he　felt　afraid；　and　again；　to　escape　from　that　thought；

he　went　on　thinking　about　Pashenka。



So　he　lay　for　a　long　time；　thinking　now　of　his　unavoidable　end

and　now　of　Pashenka。　　She　presented　herself　to　him　as　a　means　of

salvation。　　At　last　he　fell　asleep；　and　in　his　sleep　he　saw　an

angel　who　came　to　him　and　said：　'Go　to　Pashenka　and　learn　from

her　what　you　have　to　do；　what　your　sin　is；　and　wherein　lies　your

salvation。'



He　awoke；　and　having　decided　that　this　was　a　vision　sent　by　God；

he　felt　glad；　and　resolved　to　do　what　had　been　told　him　in　the

vision。　　He　knew　the　town　where　she　lived。　　It　was　some　three

hundred　versts　（two　hundred　miles）　away；　and　he　set　out　to　walk

there。







VI



Pashenka　had　already　long　ceased　to　be　Pashenka　and　had　become

old；　withered；　wrinkled　Praskovya　Mikhaylovna；　mother…in…law　of

that　failure；　the　drunken　official　Mavrikyev。　　She　was　living　in

the　country　town　where　he　had　had　his　last　appointment；　and　there

she　was　supporting　the　family：　her　daughter；　her　ailing

neurasthenic　son…in…law；　and　her　five　grandchildren。　　She　did

this　by　giving　music　lessons　to　tradesmen's　daughters；　giving

four　and　sometimes　five　lessons　a　day　of　an　hour　each；　and

earning　in　this　way　some　sixty　rubles　（6　pounds）　a　month。　　So

they　lived　for　the　present；　in　expectation　of　another

appointment。　　She　had　sent　letters　to　all　her　relations　and

acquaintances　asking　them　to　obtain　a　post　for　her　son…in…law；

and　among　the　rest　she　had　written　to　Sergius；　but　that　letter

had　not　reached　him。



It　was　a　Saturday；　and　Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　was　herself　mixing

dough　for　currant　bread　such　as　the　serf…cook　on　her　father's

estate　used　to　make　so　well。　　She　wished　to　give　her

grandchildren　a　treat　on　the　Sunday。



Masha；　her　daughter；　was　nursing　her　youngest　child；　the　eldest

boy　and　girl　were　at　school；　and　her　son…in…law　was　asleep；　not

having　slept　during　the　night。　　Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　had

remained　awake　too　for　a　great　part　of　the　night；　trying　to

soften　her　daughter's　anger　against　her　husband。



She　saw　that　it　was　impossible　for　her　son…in…law；　a　weak

creature；　to　be　other　than　he　was；　and　realized　that　his　wife's

reproaches　could　do　no　goodso　she　used　all　her　efforts　to

soften　those　reproaches　and　to　avoid　recrimination　and　anger。　

Unkindly　relations　between　people　caused　her　actual　physical

suffering。　　It　was　so　clear　to　her　that　bitter　feelings　do　not

make　anything　better；　but　only　make　everything　worse。　　She　did

not　in　fact　think　about　this：　she　simply　suffered　at　the　sight　of

anger　as　she　would　from　a　bad　smell；　a　harsh　noise；　or　from　blows

on　her　body。



She　hadwith　a　feeling　of　self…satisfactionjust　taught　Lukerya

how　to　mix　the　dough；　when　her　six…year…old　grandson　Misha；

wearing　an　apron　and　with　darned　stockings　on　his　crooked　little

legs；　ran　into　the　kitchen　with　a　frightened　face。



'Grandma；　a　dreadful　old　man　wants　to　see　you。'



Lukerya　looked　out　at　the　door。



'There　is　a　pilgrim　of　some　kind；　a　man　。　。　。'



Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　rubbed　her　thin　elbows　against　one　another；

wiped　her　hands　on　her　apron　and　went　upstairs　to　get　a

five…kopek　piece　＇about　a　penny＇　out　of　her　purse　for　him；　but

remembering　that　she　had　nothing　less　than　a　ten…kopek　piece　she

decided　to　give　him　some　bread　instead。　　She　returned　to　the

cupboard；　but　suddenly　blushed　at　the　thought　of　having　grudged

the　ten…kopek　piece；　and　telling　Lukerya　to　cut　a　slice　of　bread；

went　upstairs　again　to　fetch　it。　　'It　serves　you　right；'　she　said

to　herself。　　'You　must　now　give　twice　over。'



She　gave　both　the　bread　and　the　money　to　the　pilgrim；　and　when

doing　sofar　from　being　proud　of　her　generosityshe　excused

herself　for　giving　so　little。　　The　man　had　such　an　imposing

appearance。



Though　he　had　tramped　two　hundred　versts　as　a　beggar；　though　he

was　tattered　and　had　grown　thin　and　weatherbeaten；　though　he　had

cropped　his　long　hair　and　was　wearing　a　peasant's　cap　and　boots；

and　though　he　bowed　very　humbly；　Sergius　still　had　the　impressive

appearance　that　made　him　so　attractive。　　But　Praskovya

Mikhaylovna　did　not　recognize　him。　　She　could　hardly　do　so；　not

having　seen　him　for　almost　twenty　years。



'Don't　think　ill　of　me；　Father。　　Perhaps　you　want　something　to

eat？'



He　took　the　bread　and　the　money；　and　Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　was

surprised　that　he　did　not　go；　but　stood　looking　at　her。



'Pashenka；　I　have　come　to　you！　　Take　me　in　。　。　。'



His　beautiful　black　eyes；　shining　with　the　tears　that　started　in

them；　were　fixed　on　her　with　imploring　insistence。　　And　under　his

greyish　moustache　his　lips　quivered　piteously。



Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　pressed　her　hands　to　her　withered　breast；

opened　her　mouth；　and　stood　petrified；　staring　at　the　pilgrim

with　dilated　eyes。



'It　can't　be！　　Stepa！　　Sergey！　　Father　Sergius！'



'Yes；　it　is　I；'　said　Sergius　in　a　low　voice。　　'Only　not　Sergius；

or　Father　Sergius；　but　a　great　sinner；　Stepan　Kasatskya　great

and　lost　sinner。　　Take　me　in　and　help　me！'



'It's　impossible！　　How　have　you　so　humbled　yourself？　But　come

in。'



She　reached　out　her　hand；　but　he　did　not　take　it　and　only

followed　her　in。



But　where　was　she　to　take　him？　　The　lodging　was　a　small　one。　

Formerly　she　had　had　a　tiny　room；　almost　a　closet；　for　herself；

but　later　she　had　given　it　up　to　her　daughter；　and　Masha　was　now

sitting　there　rocking　the　baby。



'Sit　here　for　the　present；'　she　said　to　Sergius；　pointing　to　a

bench　in　the　kitchen。



He　sat　down　at　once；　and　with　an　evidently　accustomed　movement

slipped　the　straps　of　his　wallet　first　off　one　shoulder　and　then

off　the　other。



'My　God；　my　God！　　How　you　have　humbled　yourself；　Father！　　Such

great　fame；　and　now　like　this　。　。　。'



Sergius　did　not　reply；　but　only　smiled　meekly；　placing　his　wallet

under　the　bench　on　which　he　sat。



'Masha；　do　you　know　who　this　is？'And　in　a　whisper　Praskovya

Mikhaylovna　told　her　daughter　who　he　was；　and　together　they　then

carried　the　bed　and　the　cradle　out　of　the　tiny　room　and　cleared

it　for　Sergius。



Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　led　him　into　it。



'Here　you　can　rest。　　Don't　take　offence　。　。　。　but　I　must　go　out。'



'Where　to？'



'I　have　to　go　to　a　lesson。　　I　am　ashamed　to　tell　you；　but　I　teach

music！'



'Music？　　But　that　is　good。　　Only　just　one　thing；　Praskovya

Mikhaylovna；　I　have　come　to　you　with　a　definite　object。　When　can

I　have　a　talk　with　you？'



'I　shall　be　very　glad。　　Will　this　evening　do？'



'Yes。　　But　one　thing　more。　　Don't　speak　about　me；　or　say　who　I

am。　　I　have　revealed　myself　only　to　you。　　No　one　knows　where　I

have　gone　to。　　It　must　be　so。'



'Oh；　but　I　have　told　my　daughter。'



'Well；　ask　her　not　to　mention　it。'



And　Sergius　took　off　his　boots；　lay　down；　and　at　once　fell　asleep

after　a　sleepless　night　and　a　walk　of　nearly　thirty　miles。



When　Praskovya　Mikhaylovna　returned；　Sergius　was　sitting　in　the

little　room　waiting　for　her。　　He　did　not　come　out　for　dinner；　but

had　some　soup　and　gruel　which　Lukerya　brought　him。



'How　is　it　that　you　have　come　back　earlier　than　you　said？'　asked

Sergius。　　'Can　I　speak　to　you　now？'



'How　is　it　that　I　have　the　happiness　to　receive　such　a　guest？　　I

have　missed　one　of　my　lessons。　　That　can　wait　。　。　。　I　had　always

been　planning　to　go　to　see　you。　　I　wrote　to　you；　and　now　this

good　fortune　has　come。'



'Pashenka；　please　listen　to　what　I　am　going　to　tell　you　as　to　a

confession　made　to　God　at　my　last　hour。　　Pashenka；　I　am　not　a

holy　man；　I　am　not　even　as　good　as　a　simple　ordinary　man；　I　am　a

loathsome；　vile；　and　proud　sinner　who　has　gone　astray；　and　who；

if　not　worse　than　everyone　else；　is　at　least　worse　than　most　very

bad　people。'



Pashenka　looked　at　him　at　first　with　staring　eyes。　　But　she

believed　what　he　said；　and　when　she　had　quite　grasped　it　she

touched　his　hand；　smiling　pityingly；　and　said：



'Perhaps　you　exaggerate；　Stiva？'



'No；　Pashenka。　　I　am　an　adulterer；　a　murderer；　a　blasphemer；　and

a　deceiver。'



'My　God！　　How　is　that？'