the enchanted typewriter-第16部分

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end　to　that　tournament。〃



〃There　would；　indeed；〃　said　I。　〃There　isn't　much　fun　in　being

hit　by　a　golf…ball。　I　can　testify　to　that　because　I　have　had

the　experience；〃　and　I　called　to　mind　the　day　at　St。　Peterkin's

when　I　unconsciously　stymied　with　my　material　self　the

celebrated　Willie　McGuffin；　the　Demon　Driver　from　the　Hootmon

Links；　Scotland。　McGuffin　made　his　mark　that　day　if　he　never

did　before；　and　I　bear　the　evidence　thereof　even　now；　although

the　incident　took　place　two　years　ago；　when　I　did　not　know

enough　to　keep　out　of　the　way　of　the　player　who　plays　so　well

that　he　thinks　he　has　a　perpetual　right　of　way　everywhere。



〃What　kind　of　clubs　do　you　Stygians　use？〃　I　asked。



〃Oh；　very　much　the　same　kind　that　you　chaps　do；〃　returned

Boswell。　〃Everybody　experiments　with　new　fads；　too；　just　as

you　do。　Old　Peter　Stuyvesant；　for　instance；　always　drives　with

his　wooden　leg；　and　never　uses　anything　else　unless　he　gets　a

lie　where　he's　got　to。〃



〃His　wooden　leg？〃　I　roared；　with　a　laugh。　〃How　on　earth　does

he　do　that？〃



〃He　screws　the　small　end　of　it　into　a　square　block　shod　like　a

brassey；〃　explained　Boswell；　〃tees　up　his　ball；　goes　back　ten

yards；　makes　a　run　at　it　and　kicks　the　ball　pretty　nearly　out

of　sight。　He　can　put　with　it　too；　like　a　dream；　swinging　it

sideways。〃



〃But　he　doesn't　call　that　golf；　does　he？〃　I　cried。



〃What　is　it？〃　demanded　Boswell。



〃I　should　call　it　football；〃　I　said。



〃Not　at　all；〃　said　Boswell。　〃Not　a　bit　of　it。　He　hasn't　any　foot

on　that　leg；　and　he　has　a　golf…club　head　with　a　shaft　to　it。　There

isn't　any　rule　which　says　that　the　shaft　shall　not　look　like　an

inverted　nine…pin；　nor　do　any　of　the　accepted　authorities　require

that　the　club　shall　be　manipulated　by　the　arms。　I　admit　it's　bad

form　the　way　he　plays；　but；　as　Stuyvesant　himself　says；　he　never

did　travel　on　his　shape。〃



〃Suppose　he　gets　a　cuppy　lie？〃　I　asked；　very　much　interested　at

the　first　news　from　Hades　of　the　famous　old　Dutchman。



〃Oh；　he　does　one　of　two　things；〃　said　Boswell。　〃He　stubs　it　out

with　his　toe；　or　goes　back　and　plays　two　more。　Munchausen　plays

a　good　game　too。　He　beat　the　colonel　forty…seven　straight　holes

last　Wednesday；　and　all　Hades　has　been　talking　about　it　ever　since。〃



〃Who　is　the　colonel？〃　I　asked；　innocently。



〃Bogey；〃　returned　Boswell。　〃Didn't　you　ever　hear　of　Colonel　Bogey？〃



〃Of　course；〃　I　replied；　〃but　I　always　supposed　Bogey　was　an

imaginary　opponent；　not　a　real　one。〃



〃So　he　is；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Then　you　mean〃



〃I　mean　that　Munchausen　beat　him　forty…seven　up；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Were　there　any　witnesses？〃　I　demanded；　for　I　had　little　faith　in

Munchausen's　regard　for　the　eternal　verities；　among　which　a

golf…card　must　be　numbered　if　the　game　is　to　survive。



〃Yes；　a　hundred；〃　said　Boswell。　〃There　was　only　one　trouble　with

'em。〃　Here　the　great　biographer　laughed。　〃They　were　all　imaginary；

like　the　colonel。〃



〃And　Munchausen's　score？〃　I　queried。



〃The　same；　naturally。　But　it　makes　him　king…pin　in　golf　circles

just　the　same；　because　nobody　can　go　back　on　his　logic；〃　said

Boswell。　〃Munchausen　reasoned　it　out　very　logically　indeed；　and

largely；　he　said；　to　protect　his　own　reputation。　Here　is　an

imaginary　warrior；　said　he；　who　makes　a　bully；　but　wholly

imaginary；　score　at　golf。　He　sends　me　an　imaginary　challenge　to

play　him　forty…seven　holes。　I　accept；　not　so　much　because　I

consider　myself　a　golfer　as　because　I　am　an　imaginerif　there

is　such　a　word。〃



〃Ask　Dr。　Johnson；〃　said　I；　a　little　sarcastically。　I　always　grow

sarcastic　when　golf　is　mentioned。



〃Dr。　Johnson　be〃　began　Boswell。



〃Boswell！〃　I　remonstrated。



〃Dr。　Johnson　be　it；　I　was　about　to　say；〃　clicked　the　type…writer；

suavely；　but　the　ink　was　thick　and　inclined　to　spread。　〃Munchausen

felt　that　Bogey　was　encroaching　on　his　preserve　as　a　man　with　an

imagination。〃



〃I　have　always　considered　Colonel　Bogey　a　liar；〃　said　I。　〃He　joins

all　the　clubs　and　puts　up　an　ideal　score　before　he　has　played　over

the　links。〃



〃That　isn't　the　point　at　all；〃　said　Boswell。　〃Golfers　don't　lie。

Realists　don't　lie。　Nobody　in　politeor　say；　rather；　accepted

society　lies。　They　all　imagine。　Munchausen　realizes　that　he　has

only　one　claim　to　recognition；　and　that　is　based　entirely　upon

his　imagination。　So　when　the　imaginary　Colonel　Bogey　sent　him　an

imaginary　challenge　to　play　him　forty…seven　holes　at　golf〃



〃Why　forty…seven？〃　I　asked。



〃An　imaginary　number；〃　explained　Boswell。　〃Don't　interrupt。　As　I

say；　when　the　imaginary　colonel〃



〃I　must　interrupt；〃　said　I。　〃What　was　he　colonel　of？〃



〃A　regiment　of　perfect　caddies；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Ah；　I　see；〃　I　replied。　〃Imaginary　in　his　command。　There　isn't

one　perfect　caddy；　much　less　a　regiment　of　the　little　reprobates。〃



〃You　are　wrong　there；〃　said　Boswell。　〃You　don't　know　how　to

produce　a　good　caddybut　good　caddies　can　be　made。〃



〃How？〃　I　cried；　for　I　have　suffered。　〃I'll　have　the　plan　patented。〃



〃Take　a　flexible　brassey；　and　at　the　ninth　hole；　if　they　deserve

it；　give　them　eighteen　strokes　across　the　legs　with　all　your

strength；〃　said　Boswell。　〃But；　as　I　said　before；　don't　interrupt。

I　haven't　much　time　left　to　talk　with　you。〃



〃But　I　must　ask　one　more　question；〃　I　put　in；　for　I　was　growing

excited　over　a　new　idea。　〃You　say　give　them　eighteen　strokes

across　the　legs。　Across　whose　legs？〃



〃Yours；〃　replied　Boswell。　〃Just　take　your　caddy　up；　place　him

across　your　knees；　and　spank　him　with　your　brassey。　Spank　isn't

a　good　golf　term；　but　it　is　good　enough　for　the　average　caddy；

in　fact；　it　will　do　him　good。〃



〃Go　on；〃　said　I；　with　a　mental　resolve　to　adopt　his　prescription。



〃Well；〃　said　Boswell；　〃Munchausen；　having　received　an　imaginary

challenge　from　an　imaginary　opponent；　accepted。　He　went　out　to

the　links　with　an　imaginary　ball；　an　imaginary　bagful　of　fanciful

clubs；　and　licked　the　imaginary　life　out　of　the　colonel。〃



〃Still；　I　don't　see；〃　said　I；　somewhat　jealously；　perhaps；　〃how

that　makes　him　king…pin　in　golf　circles。　Where　did　he　play？〃



〃On　imaginary　links；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Poh！〃　I　ejaculated。



〃Don't　sneer；〃　said　Boswell。　〃You　know　yourself　that　the　links

you　imagine　are　far　better　than　any　others。〃



〃What　is　Munchausen's　strongest　point？〃　I　asked；　seeing　that

there　was　no　arguing　with　the　man〃driving；　approaching；　or

putting？〃



〃None　of　the　three。　He　cannot　put；　he　foozles　every　drive；　and　at

approaching　he's　a　consummate　ass；〃　said　Boswell。



〃Then　what　can　he　do？〃　I　cried。



〃Count；〃　said　Boswell。　〃Haven't　you　learned　that　yet？　You　can

spend　hours　learning　how　to　drive；　weeks　to　approach；　and　months

to　put。　But　if　you　want　to　win　you　must　know　how　to　count。〃



I　was　silent；　and　for　the　first　time　in　my　life　I　realized　that

Munchausen　was　not　so　very　different　from　certain　golfers　I　have

met　in　my　short　day　as　a　golfiac；　and　then　Boswell　put　in：



〃You　see；　it　isn't　lofting　or　driving　that　wins；〃　he　continued。

〃Cups　aren't　won　on　putting　or　approaching。　It's　the　man　who　puts

in　the　best　card　who　becomes　the　champion。〃



〃I　am　afraid　you　are　right；〃　I　said；　sadly；　〃but　I　am　sorry　to

find　that　Hades　is　as　badly　off　as　we　mortals　in　that　matter。〃



〃Golf；　sir；〃　retorted　Boswell；　sententiously；　〃is　the　same

everywhere；　and　that　which　is　dome　in　our　world　is　directly　in

line　with　what　is　developed　in　yours。〃



〃I'm　sorry　for　Hades；〃　said　I；　〃but　to　continue　about　golf

do　the　ladies　play　much　on　your　links？〃



〃Well；　rather；〃　returned　Boswell；　〃and　it's　rather　amusing　to

watch　them　at　it；　too。　Xanthippe　with　her　Greek　clothes　finds　it

rather　difficult；　but　for　rare　sport　you　ought　to　see　Queen

Elizabeth　trying　to　keep　her　eye　on　the　ball　over　her　ruff！　It

really　is　one　of　the　finest　spectacles　you　ever　saw。〃



〃But　why　don't　they　dress　properly？〃



〃Ah；〃　sighed　Boswell；　〃that　is　one　of　the　things　about　Hades　that

destroys　all　the　charm　of　life　there。　We　are　but　shades。〃



〃Granted；〃　said　I；　〃but　your　garments　can〃



〃Our　garments　can't；〃　said　Boswell。　〃Through　all　eternity　we

shades　of　our　former　selves　are　doomed　to　wear　the　shadows　of　our

former　clothes。〃



〃Then　what　the　devil　does　a　poor　dress…maker　do　who　goes　to　Hades？〃

I　cried。



〃She　makes　over　the　things　she　made　before；〃　said　Boswell。　〃That's

why；　my　dear　fellow；〃　the　biographer　added；　becoming　confidential

〃that's　why　some　people　confound　Hades　withahthe　other　place；

don't　you　know。〃



〃Still；　there's　golf！〃　I　said；　〃and　that's　a　panacea　for　all　ills。

YOU　enjoy　it；　don't　you？〃



〃Me？〃　cried　Boswell。　〃Me　enjoy　it？　Not　on　all　the　lives　in

Christendom。　It　is　the　direst　drudgery　for　me。〃



〃Drudgery？〃　I　said。　〃Bah！　Nonsense；　Boswell！〃



〃You　forget〃　he　began。



〃Forget？　It　must　be　you　who　forget；　if　you　call　golf　drudgery。〃



〃No；〃　sighed　the　genial　spirit。　〃No；　*I*　don't　forget。　I　remember。〃



〃Remember　what？〃　I　demanded。



〃That　I　am　Dr。　Johnson's　caddy！〃　was　the　answer。　And　then　came　a

heart…rending　sigh；　and　from　that　time　on　all　was　silence。　I

repeatedly　put　questions　to　the　machine；　made　observations　to　it；

derided　it；　insulted　it；　but　there　was　no　response。



It　has　so　continued　to　this　day；　and　I　can　only　conclude　the　story

of　my　Enchanted　Type…writer　by　saying　that　I　presume　golf　has　taken

the　same　hold　upon　Hades　that　it　has　upon　this　world；　and　that　I

need　not　hope　to　hear　more　from　that　attractive　region　until　the

game　has　relaxed　its　grip；　which　I　know　can　never　be。



Hence　let　me　say　to　those　who　have　been　good　enough　to　follow　me

through　the　realms　of　the　Styx　that　I　bid　them　an　affectionate

farewell　and　thank　them　for　their　kind　attention　to　my　chronicles。

They　are　all　truthful；　but　now　that　the　source　of　supply　is　cut

off　I　cannot　prove　it。　I　can　only　hope　that　for　one　and　all　the

future　may　hold　as　mu