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finish。　If　I　went　into　a　stock　speculation；　I　was　invariably

caught　on　a　rising　or　a　falling　market。　　In　my　youth　I　spoiled

every　yachting…party　I　went　on　by　attracting　a　gale。　When　I

came　out　the　moon　went　behind　a　cloud；　and　people　who　began

by　endorsing　my　paper　ended　up　in　the　poor…house。　Commerce

wouldn't　have　me。　Boards　of　Trade　everywhere　repudiated　me；

and　I　gradually　sank　into　that　state　of　despair　which　finds　no

solace　anywhere　but　on　the　sea　or　in　politics；　and　as　politics

was　then　unknown　I　went　to　sea。　The　result　is　known　to　the

world。　I　was　cast　overboard；　ingulfed　by　a　whale；　which；

in　his　defence　let　me　be　generous　enough　to　say；　swallowed

me　inadvertently　and　with　the　usual　result。　I　came　back；　and

life　went　on。　Finally　I　came　here；　and　when　it　got　to　the　ears

of　the　authorities　that　I　was　in　Hades；　they　sent　me　back　for

the　fourth　time　to　earth　in　the　person　of　William　Shakespeare。



That　is　the　whole　of　the　Jonah　story。　It　is　a　sad　story；　and　I

regret　it；　and　I　am　sorry　for　the　impostor　when　I　reflect　that

the　character　he　has　assumed　possesses　attractions　for　him。　His

real　life　must　have　been　a　fearful　thing　if　he　is　happy　in　his

impersonation；　and　for　his　punishment　let　us　leave　him　where　he

is。　Having　told　the　truth；　I　have　done　my　duty。　I　cheerfully

resign　my　claim　to　the　personality　he　claims　I　relinquish

from　this　time　on　all　right；　title；　and　interest　in　the　name；

but　if　he　ever　dares　to　interfere　with　me　again　in　the　use　of

my　personal　recollections　concerning　the　inside　of　whales　I

shall　hale　him　before　the　authorities。



And　now；　finally；　I　come　to　Shakespeare；　whom　I　have　kept

for　the　last；　not　because　he　was　the　last　chronologically；

but　because　I　like　to　work　up　to　a　climax。



Previous　to　my　existence　as　Baron　Munchausen　I　lived　for　a　term

of　years　on　earth　as　William　Shakespeare；　and　what　I　have　to

say　now　is　more　in　the　line　of　confession　than　otherwise。



In　my　boyhood　I　was　wild　and　I　poached。　If　I　were　not　afraid

of　having　it　set　down　as　a　joke；　I　should　say　that　I　poached

everything　from　eggs　to　deer。　I　was　not　a　great　joy　to　my

parents。　There　was　no　deviltry　in　Stratford　in　which　I　did　not

take　a　leading　part；　and　finally；　for　the　good　of　Warwickshire；

I　was　sent　to　London；　where　a　person　of　my　talents　was　more

likely　to　find　congenial　and　appreciative　surroundings。　A　glance

at　such　of　my　autographs　as　are　now　extant　will　demonstrate

the　fact　that　I　never　learned　to　write；　a　glance　at　the　first

folios　of　the　plays　attributed　to　me　will　likewise　show　that

I　never　learned　to　spell；　and　yet　I　walked　into　London　with

one　of　the　most　exquisite　poems　in　the　English　language　in　my

pocket。　I　am　still　filled　with　merriment　over　it。　How　was　it；

the　critics　of　the　years　since　have　askedhow　was　it　that

this　untutored　little　savage　from　leafy　Warwickshire；　with　no

training　and　little　education；　came　into　London　with　〃Venus

and　Adonis〃　in　manuscript　in　his　pocket？　It　is　quite　evident

that　the　critic　fraternity　have　no　Sherlock　Holmes　in　their

midst。　It　would　not　take　much　of　an　eye；　a　true　detective's　eye；

to　see　the　milk　in　that　cocoanut；　for　it　is　but　a　simple　tale

after　all。　The　way　of　it　was　this：　On　my　way　from　Stratford　to

London　I　walked　through　Coventry；　and　I　remained　in　Coventry

overnight。　I　was　ill…clad　and　hungry；　and；　having　no　money

with　which　to　pay　for　my　supper；　I　went　to　the　Royal　Arms　Hotel

and　offered　my　services　as　porter　for　the　night；　having　noted

that　a　rich　cavalcade　from　London；　en　route　to　Kenilworth；　had

arrived　unexpectedly　at　the　Royal　Arms。　　Taken　by　surprise；

and；　therefore；　unprepared　to　accommodate　so　many　guests；

the　landlord　was　glad　to　avail　himself　of　my　services；　and

I　was　assigned　to　the　position　of　boots。　Among　others　whom　I

served　was　Walter　Raleigh；　who；　noting　my　ragged　condition　and

hearing　what　a　roisterer　and　roustabout　I　had　been；　immediately

took　pity　upon　me；　and　gave　me　a　plum…colored　court…suit　with

which　he　was　through；　and　which　I　accepted；　put　upon　my　back；

and　next　day　wore　off　to　London。　It　was　in　the　pocket　of　this

that　I　found　the　poem　of　〃Venus　and　Adonis。〃　That　poem；　to　keep

myself　from　starving；　I　published　when　I　reached　London；　sending

a　complimentary　copy　of　course　to　my　benefactor。　When　Raleigh

saw　it　he　was　naturally　surprised　but　gratified；　and　on　his

return　to　London　he　sought　me　out；　and　suggested　the　publication

of　his　sonnets。　I　was　the　first　man　he'd　met；　he　said；　who

was　willing　to　publish　his　stuff　on　his　own　responsibility。　I

immediately　put　out　some　of　the　sonnets；　and　in　time　was　making

a　comfortable　living；　publishing　the　anonymous　works　of　most　of

the　young　bucks　about　town；　who　paid　well　for　my　imprint。　That

the　public　chose　to　think　the　works　were　mine　was　none　of　my

fault。　I　never　claimed　them；　and　the　line　on　the　title…page；

〃By　William　Shakespeare；〃　had　reference　to　the　publisher　only；

and　not；　as　many　have　chosen　to　believe；　to　the　author。　Thus

were　published　Lord　Bacon's　〃Hamlet；〃　Raleigh's　poems；　several

plays　of　Messrs。　Beaumont　and　Fletcherwho　were　themselves

among　the　cleverest　adapters　of　the　timesand　the　rest　of

that　glorious　monument　to　human　credulity　and　memorial　to

an　impossible；　wholly　apocryphal　genius；　known　as　the　works

of　William　Shakespeare。　The　extent　of　my　writing　during　this

incarnation　was　ten　autographs　for　collectors；　and　one　attempt

at　a　comic　opera　called　〃A　Midsummer's　Nightmare；〃　which　was

never　produced；　because　no　one　would　write　the　music　for　it；

and　which　was　ultimately　destroyed　with　three　of　my　quatrains

and　all　of　Bacon's　evidence　against　my　authorship　of　〃Hamlet；〃

in　the　fire　at　the　Globe　Theatre　in　the　year　1613。



These；　then；　dear　reader；　are　the　revelations　which　I　have

to　make。　　In　my　next　incarnation　I　was　the　man　I　am　now　known

to　be；　Baron　Munchausen。　As　I　have　said；　I　make　the　exposure

with　regret；　but　the　arrogance　of　these　impudent　impersonators

of　my　various　personalities　has　grown　too　great　to　be　longer

borne。　I　lay　the　simple　story　of　their　villany　before　you　for

what　it　is　worth。　I　have　done　my　duty。　If　after　this　exposure

the　public　of　Hades　choose　to　receive　them　in　their　homes　and

at　their　clubs；　and　as　guests　at　their　functions；　they　will

do　it　with　a　full　knowledge　of　their　duplicity。



In　conclusion；　fearing　lest　there　be　some　doubters　among　the

readers　of　this　paper；　I　have　allowed　my　friend；　the　editor

of　this　esteemed　journal；　which　is　to　publish　this　story

exclusively　on　Sunday　next；　free　access　to　my　archives；　and

he　has　selected　as　exhibits　of　evidence；　to　which　I　earnestly

call　your　attention；　the　originals　of　the　cuts　which　illustrate

this　chapterviz：



I。　A　full…length　portrait　of　Eve　as　she　appeared　at　our　first

meeting。



II。　Portraits　of　Cain　and　Abel　at　the　ages　of　two；　five；

and　seven。



III。　The　original　plans　and　specifications　of　the　Ark。



IV。　Facsimile　of　her　commission。



V。　Portrait…sketch　of　myself　and　the　false　Noah；　made　at　the

time；　and　showing　how　difficult　it　would　have　been　for　any

member　of　my　family；　save　myself；　to　tell　us　apart。



VI。　A　cathode…ray　photograph　of　the　whale；　showing　myself；

the　original　Jonah；　seated　inside。



VII。　Facsimiles　of　the　Shakespeare　autographs；　proving　that

he　knew　neither　how　to　write　nor　to　spell；　and　so　of　course

proving　effectually　that　I　was　not　the　author　of　his　works。





It　must　be　confessed　that　I　read　this　article　of　Munchausen's

with　amazement；　and　I　awaited　with　much　excited　curiosity

the　coming　again　of　the　manipulator　of　my　type…writing

machine。　Surely　a　revelation　of　this　nature　should　create

a　sensation　in　Hades；　and　I　was　anxious　to　learn　how　it　was

received。　Boswell　did　not　materialize；　however；　and　for　five

nights　I　fairly　raged　with　the　fever　of　curiosity；　but　on

the　sixth　night　the　familiar　tinkle　of　the　bell　announced　an

arrival；　and　I　flew　to　the　machine　and　breathlessly　cried：



〃Hullo；　old　chap；　how　did　it　come　out？〃



The　reply　was　as　great　a　surprise　as　I　have　yet　had；　for　it

was　not　Boswell；　Jim　Boswell；　who　answered　my　question。









IV



A　CHAT　WITH　XANTHIPPE









The　machine　stopped　its　clicking　the　moment　I　spoke；　and　the

words；　〃Hullo；　old　chap！〃　were　no　sooner　uttered　than　my　face

grew　red　as　a　carnation　pink。　I　felt　as　if　I　had　committed

some　dreadful　faux…pas；　and　instead　of　gazing　steadfastly　into

the　vacant　chair；　as　I　had　been　wont　to　do　in　my　conversation

with　Boswell；　my　eyes　fell；　as　though　the　invisible　occupant

of　the　chair　were　regarding　me　with　a　look　of　indignant　scorn。



〃I　beg　your　pardon；〃　I　said。



〃I　should　think　you　might；〃　returned　the　types。　〃Hullo；　old

chap！〃　is　no　way　to　address　a　woman　you've　never　had　the　honor

of　meeting；　even　if　she　is　of　the　most　advanced　sort。　No　amount

of　newness　in　a　woman　gives　a　man　the　right　to　be　disrespectful

to　her。〃



〃I　didn't　know；〃　I　explained。　〃Really；　miss；　I〃



〃Madame；〃　interrupted　the　machine；　〃not　miss。　I　am

a　married　woman；　sir；　which　makes　of　your　rudeness　an

even　more　reprehensible　act。　It　is　well　enough　to　affect　a

good…fellowship　with　young　unmarried　females；　but　when　you

attempt　to　be　flippant　with　a　married　woman〃



〃But　I　didn't　know；　I　tell　you；〃　I　appealed。　〃How　should　I？　I

supposed　it　was　Boswell　I　was　talking　to；　and　he　and　I　have

become　very　good　friends。〃



〃Humph！〃　said　the　machine。　〃You're　a　chum　of　Boswell's；　eh？〃



〃Well；　not　exactly　a　chum；　but〃　I　began。



〃But　you　go　with　him？〃　interrupted　the　lady。



〃To　an　extent；　yes；〃　I　confessed。



〃And　does　he　GO　with　you？〃　was　the　query。　〃If　he　does；　permit

me　to　depart　at　once。　I　should　not　feel　quite　in　my　element

in　a　house　where　the　editor　of　a　Sunday　newspaper　was　an

attractive　guest。　If　you　like　that　sort　of　thing；　your　tastes〃



〃I　do　not；　madame；〃　I　replied；　quickly。　〃I　prefer　the　o