the enchanted typewriter-第6部分

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attractive　guest。　If　you　like　that　sort　of　thing；　your　tastes〃



〃I　do　not；　madame；〃　I　replied；　quickly。　〃I　prefer　the　opium

habit　to　the　Sunday…newspaper　habit；　and　if　I　thought　Boswell

was　merely　a　purveyor　of　what　is　known　as　Sunday　literature；

which　depends　on　the　goodness　of　the　day　to　offset　its

shortcomings；　I　should　forbid　him　the　house。〃



A　distinct　sigh　of　relief　emanated　from　the　chair。



〃Then　I　may　remain；〃　was　the　remark　rapidly　clicked　off　on

the　machine。



〃I　am　glad；〃　said　I。　〃And　may　I　ask　whom　I　have　the　honor

of　addressing？〃



〃Certainly；〃　was　the　immediate　response。　〃My　name　is　Socrates；

nee　Xanthippe。〃



I　instinctively　cowered。　Candidly；　I　was　afraid。　Never　in　my

life　before　had　I　met　a　woman　whom　I　feared。　Never　in　my　life

have　I　wavered　in　the　presence　of　the　sex　which　cheers；　but　I

have　always　felt　that　while　I　could　hold　my　own　with　Elizabeth；

withstand　the　wiles　of　Cleopatra；　and　manage　the　recalcitrant

Katherine　even　as　did　Petruchio；　Xanthippe　was　another　story

altogether；　and　I　wished　I　had　gone　to　the　club。　My　first

impulse　was　to　call　up…stairs　to　my　wife　and　have　her　come

down。　She　knows　how　to　handle　the　new　woman　far　better　than　I

do。　She　has　never　wanted　to　vote；　and　my　collars　are　safe　in

her　hands。　She　has　frequently　observed　that　while　she　had　many

things　to　be　thankful　for；　her　greatest　blessing　was　that　she

was　born　a　woman　and　not　a　man；　and　the　new　women　of　her　native

town　never　leave　her　presence　without　wondering　in　their　own

minds　whether　or　not　they　are　mere　humorous　contributions　of

the　Almighty　to　a　too　serious　world。　I　pulled　myself　together

as　best　I　could；　and　feeling　that　my　better…half　would　perhaps

decline　the　proffered　invitation　to　meet　with　one　of　the　most

illustrious　of　her　sex；　I　decided　to　fight　my　own　battle。　So

I　merely　said：



〃Really？　How　delightful！　I　have　always　felt　that　I　should　like

to　meet　you；　and　here　is　one　of　my　devoutest　wishes　gratified。〃



I　felt　cheap　after　the　remark；　for　Mrs。　Socrates；　nee　Xanthippe；

covered　five　sheets　of　paper　with　laughter；　with　an　occasional

bracketing　of　the　word　〃derisively；〃　such　as　we　find　in　the

daily　newspapers　interspersed　throughout　the　after…dinner

speeches　of　a　candidate　of　another　party。　　Finally；　to　my

relief；　the　oft…repeated　〃Ha…ha…ha！〃　ceased；　and　the　line；

〃I　never　should　have　guessed　it；〃　closed　her　immediate

contribution　to　our　interchange　of　ideas。



〃May　I　ask　why　you　laugh？〃　I　observed；　when　she　had　at　length

finished。



〃Certainly；〃　she　replied。　〃Far　be　it　from　me　to　dispute　the

right　of　a　man　to　ask　any　question　he　sees　fit　to　ask。　Is　he

not　the　lord　of　creation？　Is　not　woman　his　abject　slave？　I

not　the　whole　difference　between　them　purely　economic？　Is　it

not　the　law　of　supply　and　demand　that　rules　them　both；　he　by

nature　demanding　and　she　supplying？〃



Dear　reader；　did　you　ever　encounter　a　machine；　man…made；

merely　a　mechanism　of　ivory；　iron；　and　ink；　that　could　sniff

contemptuously？　　I　never　did　before　this　encounter；　but　the

infernal　power　of　either　this　type…writer　or　this　woman　who

manipulated　its　keys　imparted　to　the　atmosphere　I　was　breathing

a　sniffing　contemptuousness　which　I　have　never　experienced

anywhere　outside　of　a　London　hotel；　and　then　only　when　I

ventured；　as　few　Americans　have　dared；　to　complain　of　the　ducal

personage　who　presided　over　the　dining…room；　but　who；　I　must

confess；　was　conquered　subsequently　by　a　tip　of　ten　shillings。



At　any　rate；　there　was　a　sniff　of　contempt　imparted；　as　I　have

said；　to　the　atmosphere　I　was　breathing　as　Xanthippe　answered

my　question；　and　the　sniff　saved　me；　just　as　it　did　in　the

London　hotel；　when　I　complained　of　the　lordly　lack　of　manners

on　the　part　of　the　head　waiter。　I　asserted　my　independence。



〃Don't　trouble　yourself；〃　I　put　in。　〃Of　course　I　shall

be　interested　in　anything　you　may　choose　to　say；　but　as　a

gentleman　I　do　not　care　to　put　a　woman　to　any　inconvenience

and　I　do　not　press　the　question。〃



And　then　I　tried　to　crush　her　by　adding；　〃What　a　lovely　day　we

have　had；〃　as　if　any　subject　other　than　the　most　commonplace

was　not　demanded　by　the　situation。



〃If　you　contemplate　discussing　the　weather；〃　was　the

retort；　〃I　wish　you　would　kindly　seek　out　some　one　else

with　whom　to　do　it。　I　am　not　one　of　your　latter…day

sit…out…on…the…stairs…while…the…others…dance　girls。　I　am；

as　I　have　always　been；　an　ardent　admirer　of　principles；　of

great　problems。　For　small　talk　I　have　no　use。〃



〃Very　well；　madame〃　I　began。



〃You　asked　me　a　moment　ago　why　I　laughed；〃　clicked　the　machine。



〃I　know　it；〃　said　I。　〃But　I　withdraw　the　question。　There　is　no

great　principle　involved　in　a　woman's　laughter。　I　have　known

women　who　have　laughed　at　a　broken　heart；　as　well　as　at　jokes；

which　shows　that　there　is　no　principle　involved　there；　and　as

a　problem；　I　have　never　cared　enough　about　why　women　laugh

to　inquire　deeply　into　it。　If　she'll　just　consent　to　laugh；

I'm　satisfied　without　inquiring　into　the　causes　thereof。　Let

us　get　down　to　an　agreeable　basis　for　yourself。　What　problem　do

you　wish　to　discuss？　Servants；　baby…food；　floor…polish；　or　the

number　of　godets　proper　to　the　skirt　of　a　well…dressed　woman？〃



I　was　regaining　confidence　in　myself；　and　as　I　talked　I　ceased

to　fear　her。　Thought　I　to　myself；　〃This　attitude　of　supreme

patronage　is　man's　safest　weapon　against　a　woman。　Keep　cool；

assume　that　there　is　no　doubt　of　your　superiority；　and　that　she

knows　it。　Appear　to　patronize　her；　and　her　own　indignation　will

defeat　her　ends。〃　It　is　a　good　principle　generally。　Among　mortal

women　I　have　never　known　it　to　fail；　and　when　I　find　myself

worsted　in　an　argument　with　one　of　man's　greatest　blessings；

I　always　fall　back　upon　it　and　am　saved　the　ignominy　of

defeat。　But　this　time　I　counted　without　my　antagonist。



〃Will　you　repeat　that　list　of　problems？〃　she　asked；　coldly。



〃Servants；　baby…food；　floor…polish；　and　godets；〃　I　repeated；

somewhat　sheepishly；　she　took　it　so　coolly。



〃Very　well；〃　said　Xanthippe；　with　a　note　of　amusement　in　her

manipulation　of　the　keys。　〃If　those　are　your　subjects；　let　us

discuss　them。　I　am　surprised　to　find　an　able…bodied　man　like

yourself　bothering　with　such　problems；　but　I'll　help　you　out

of　your　difficulties　if　I　can。　No　needy　man　shall　ever　say

that　I　ignored　his　cry　for　help。　What　do　you　want　to　know

about　baby…food？〃



This　turning　of　the　tables　nonplussed　me；　and　I　didn't　really

know　what　to　say；　and　so　wisely　said　nothing；　and　the　machine

grew　sharp　in　its　clicking。



〃You　men！〃　it　cried。　〃You　don't　know　how　fearfully　shallow

you　are。　I　can　see　through　you　in　a　minute。〃



〃Well；〃　I　said；　modestly；　〃I　suppose　you　can。〃　Then　calling

my　feeble　wit　to　my　rescue；　I　added；　〃It's　only　natural；

since　I've　made　a　spectacle　of　myself。〃



〃Not　you！〃　cried　Xanthippe。　〃You　haven't　even　made　a　monocle

of　yourself。〃



And　here　we　both　laughed；　and　the　ice　was　broken。



〃What　has　become　of　Boswell？〃　I　asked。



〃He's　been　sent　to　the　ovens　for　ten　days　for　libelling

Shakespeare　and　Adam　and　Noah　and　old　Jonah；〃　replied

Xanthippe。　〃He　printed　an　article　alleged　to　have　been　written

by　Baron　Munchausen；　in　which　those　four　gentlemen　were　held

up　to　ridicule　and　libelled　grossly。〃



〃And　Munchausen？〃　I　cried。



〃Oh；　the　Baron　got　out　of　it　by　confessing　that　he　wrote　the

article；〃　replied　the　lady。　〃And　as　he　swore　to　his　confession

the　jury　were　convinced　he　was　telling　another　one　of　his

lies　and　acquitted　him；　so　Boswell　was　sent　up　alone。　That's

why　I　am　here。　There　isn't　a　man　in　all　Hades　that　dared　take

charge　of　Boswell's　paperthey're　all　so　deadly　afraid　of

the　government；　so　I　stepped　in；　and　while　Boswell　is　baking

I'm　attending　to　his　editorial　duties。〃



〃But　you　spoke　contemptuously　of　the　Sunday　newspapers　awhile

ago；　Mrs。　　Socrates；〃　said　I。



〃I　know　that；〃　said　Xanthippe；　〃but　I've　fixed　that。　I　get

out　the　Sunday　edition　on　Saturdays。〃



〃OhI　see。　And　you　like　it？〃　I　queried。



〃First　rate；〃　she　replied。　〃I'm　in　love　with　the　work。　I

almost　wish　poor　old　Bos　had　been　sentenced　for　ten　years。　I

have　enough　of　the　woman　in　me　to　love　minding　other　people's

business；　and；　as　far　as　I　can　find　out；　that's　about　all

journalism　amounts　to。　Sewing　societies　aren't　to　be　mentioned

in　the　same　day　with　a　newspaper　for　scandal　and　gossip；　and；

besides；　I'm　an　ardent　advocate　of　men's　rights　have　been　for

centuriesand　I've　got　my　first　chance　now　to　promulgate　a　few

of　my　ideas。　I'm　really　a　man　in　all　my　views　of　lifethat's

the　inevitable　end　of　an　advanced　woman　who　persists　in

following　her　'newness'　to　its　logical　conclusion。　Her　habits

of　thought　gradually　come　to　be　those　of　a　man。　Even　I　have　a

great　deal　more　sympathy　with　Socrates　than　I　used　to　have。　I

used　to　think　I　was　the　one　that　should　be　emancipated；　but

I'm　really　reaching　that　stage　in　my　manhood　where　I　begin　to

believe　that　he　needs　emancipation。〃



〃Then　you　admit；　do　you；〃　I　cried；　with　great　glee；　〃that　this

new…woman　business　is　all　Tommy…rot？〃



〃Not　by　a　great　deal；〃　snapped　the　machine。　〃Far　from　it。　It's

the　salvation　of　the　happy　life。　It　is　perfectly　logical　to

say　that　the　more　manny　a　woman　becomes；　the　more　she　is　likely

to　sympathize　with　the　troubles　and　trials　which　beset　men。〃



I　scratched　my　head　and　pulled　the　lobe　of　my　ear　in　the

hope　of　loosening　an　argument　to　confront　her　with；　not　that　I

disagreed　with　her　entirely；　but　because　I　instinctively　desired

to　oppose　her　as　pleasantly　disagreeably　as　I　could。　But　the

result　was　nil。



〃I'm　afraid　you　are　right；〃　I　said。



〃You're　a　truthful　man；〃　clicked　the　machine；　laughingly。　〃You

are　afraid　I'm　right。　And　why　are　you　afraid？　Because　you　are

one　of　those　men　who　take　a　cynical　view　of　woman。　You　want

woman　to　be　a　mere　lump　of　sugar；　co