the enchanted typewriter-第7部分

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one　of　those　men　who　take　a　cynical　view　of　woman。　You　want

woman　to　be　a　mere　lump　of　sugar；　content　to　be　left　in　a　bowl

until　it　pleases　you　in　your　high…and…mightiness　to　take　her

in　the　tongs　and　drop　her　into　the　coffee　of　your　existence；

to　sweeten　what　would　otherwise　not　please　your　tasteand

like　most　men　you　prefer　two　or　three　lumps　to　one。〃



I　could　only　cough。　The　lady　was　more　or　less　right。　I　am　very

fond　of　sugar；　though　one　lump　is　my　allowance；　and　I　never

exceed　it；　whatever　the　temptation。　Xanthippe　continued。



〃You　criticise　her　because　she　doesn't　understand　you　and　your

needs；　forgetting　that　out　of　twenty…four　hours　of　your　daily

existence　your　wife　enjoys　personally　about　twelve　hours　of　your

society；　during　eight　of　which　you　are　lying　flat　on　your　back；

snoring　as　though　your　life　depended　on　it；　but　when　she　asks

to　be　allowed　to　share　your　responsibilities　as　well　as　what；

in　her　poor　little　soul；　she　thinks　are　your　joys；　you　flare

up　and　call　her　'new'　and　'advanced；'　as　if　advancement　were

a　crime。　You　ride　off　on　your　wheel　for　forty　miles　on　your

days　of　rest；　and　she　is　glad　to　have　you　do　it；　but　when　she

wants　a　bicycle　to　ride；　you　think　it's　all　wrong；　immoral；

and　conducive　to　a　weak　heart。　Bah！〃



〃Iah〃　I　began。



〃Yes　you　do；〃　she　interrupted。　〃You　ah　and　you　hem　and　you　haw；

but　in　the　end　you're　a　poor　miserable　social　mugwump；　conscious

of　your　own　magnificence　and　virtue；　but　nobody　else　ever　can

attain　to　your　lofty　plane。　Now　what　I　want　to　see　among　women

is　more　good　fellows。　Suppose　you　regarded　your　wife　as　good

a　fellow　as　you　think　your　friend　Jones。　　Do　you　think　you'd

be　running　off　to　the　club　every　night　to　play　billiards　with

Jones；　leaving　your　wife　to　enjoy　her　own　society？〃



〃Perhaps　not；〃　I　replied；　〃but　that's　just　the　point。　My　wife

isn't　a　good　fellow。〃



〃Exactly；　and　for　that　reason　you　seek　out　Jones。　You　have

a　right　to　the　companionship　of　the　good　fellowthat's　what

I'm　going　to　advocate。　　I've　advanced　far　enough　to　see　that　on

the　average　in　the　present　state　of　woman　she　is　not　a　suitable

companion　for　manshe　has　none　of　the　qualities　of　a　chum　to

which　he　is　entitled。　I'm　not　so　blind　but　that　I　can　see　the

faults　of　my　own　sex；　particularly　now　that　I　have　become　so

very　masculine　myself。　Both　sexes　should　have　their　rights；

and　that　is　the　great　policy　I'm　going　to　hammer　at　as　long

as　I　have　Boswell's　paper　in　charge。　I　wish　you　might　see　my

editorial　page　for　to…morrow；　it　is　simply　fine。　I　urge　upon

woman　the　necessity　of　joining　in　with　her　husband　in　all

his　pleasures　whether　she　enjoys　them　or　not。　When　he　lights

a　cigar；　let　her　do　the　same；　when　he　calls　for　a　cocktail；

let　her　call　for　another。　In　time　she　will　begin　to　understand

him。　He　understands　her　pleasures；　and　often　he　joins　in　with

themopera；　dances；　lectures；　she　ought　to　do　the　same；

and　join　in　with　him　in　his　pleasures；　and　after　a　while

they'll　get　upon　a　common　basis；　have　their　clubs　together；

and　when　that　happy　time　comes；　when　either　one　goes　out　the

other　will　also　go；　and　their　companionship　will　be　perfect。〃



〃But　you　objected　to　my　calling　you　old　chap　when　we　first　met；〃

said　I。　〃Is　that　quite　consistent？〃



〃Of　course；〃　retorted　the　lady。　〃We　had　never　met　before；　and；

besides；　doctors　do　not　always　take　their　own　medicine。〃



〃But　that　women　ought　to　become　good　fellows　is　what　you're

going　to　advocate；　eh？〃　said　I。



〃Yes；〃　replied　Xanthippe。　〃It's　excellent；　don't　you　think？〃



〃Superb；〃　I　answered；　〃for　Hades。　It's　just　my　idea　of　how

things　ought　to　be　in　Hades。　I　think；　however；　that　we　mortals

will　stick　to　the　old　plan　for　a　little　while　yet；　most　of　us

prefer　to　marry　wives　rather　than　old　chaps。〃



The　remark　seemed　so　to　affect　my　visitor　that　I　suddenly

became　conscious　of　a　sense　of　loneliness。



〃I　don't　wish　to　offend　you；〃　I　said；　〃but　I　rather　like　to

keep　the　two　separate。　Aren't　you　man　enough　yet　to　see　the

value　of　variety？〃



But　there　was　no　answer。　The　lady　had　gone。　It　was　evident

that　she　considered　me　unworthy　of　further　attention。









V



THE　EDITING　OF　XANTHIPPE









After　my　interview　with　Xanthippe；　I　hesitated　to　approach　the

type…writer　for　a　week　or　two。　It　did　a　great　deal　of　clicking

after　the　midnight　hour　had　struck；　and　I　was　consumed　with

curiosity　to　know　what　was　going　on；　but　I　did　not　wish　to　meet

Mrs。　Socrates　again；　so　I　held　aloof　until　Boswell　should　have

served　his　sentence。　I　was　no　longer　afraid　of　the　woman；　but　I

do　fear　the　good　fellow　of　the　weaker　sex；　and　I　deemed　it　just

as　well　to　keep　out　of　any　and　all　disputes　that　might　arise

from　a　casual　conversation　with　a　creature　of　that　sort。　An

agreement　with　a　real　good　fellow；　even　when　it　ends　in　a　row；

is　more　or　less　diverting；　but　a　disputation　with　a　female

good　fellow　places　a　man　at　a　disadvantage。　The　argumentum　ad

hominem　is　not　an　easy　thing　with　men；　but　with　women　it　is

impossible。　Hence；　I　let　the　type…writer　click　and　ring　for

a　fortnight。



Finally；　to　my　relief；　I　recognized　Boswell's　touch　upon　the

keys　and　sauntered　up　to　the　side　of　the　machine。



〃Is　this　BoswellJim　Boswell？〃　I　inquired。



〃All　that's　left　of　him；〃　was　the　answer。　〃How　have　you　been？〃



〃Very　well；〃　said　I。　And　then　it　seemed　to　me　that　tact

required　that　I　should　not　seem　to　know　that　he　had　been　in

the　superheated　jail　of　the　Stygian　country。　So　I　observed；

〃You've　been　off　on　a　vacation；　eh？〃



〃How　do　you　know　that？〃　was　the　immediate　response。



〃Well；〃　I　put　in；　〃you've　been　absent　for　a　fortnight；　and

you　look　more　or　lessahburned。〃



〃Yes；　I　am；〃　replied　the　deceitful　editor。　〃Very　much　burned；

in　fact。　　I've　beenerI've　been　playing　golf　with　a　friend

down　in　Cimmeria。〃



〃I　envy　you；〃　I　observed；　with　an　inward　chuckle。



〃You　wouldn't　if　you　knew　the　links；〃　replied　Boswell；

sadly。　〃They're　awfully　hard。　I　don't　know　any　harder　course

than　the　Cimmerian。〃



And　then　I　became　conscious　of　a　mistrustful　gaze　fastened

upon　me。



〃See　here；〃　clicked　the　machine。　〃I　thought　I　was　invisible

to　you？　　If　so；　how　do　you　know　I　look　burned？〃



I　was　cornered；　and　there　was　only　one　way　out　of　it；　and　that

was　by　telling　the　truth。　〃Well；　you　are　invisible；　old　chap；〃

I　said。　　〃The　fact　is；　I've　been　told　of　your　trouble；　and　I

know　what　you　have　undergone。〃



〃And　who　told　you？〃　queried　Boswell。



〃Your　successor　on　the　Gazette；　Madame　Socrates；　nee　Xanthippe；〃

I　replied。



〃Oh；　that　womanthat　woman！〃　moaned　Boswell；　through　the

medium　of　the　keys。　〃Has　she　been　here；　using　this　machine

too？　Why　didn't　you　stop　her　before　she　ruined　me　completely？〃



〃Ruined　you？〃　I　cried。



〃Well；　next　thing　to　it；〃　replied　Boswell。　〃She's　run　my　paper

so　far　into　the　ground　that　it　will　take　an　almighty　powerful

grip　to　pull　it　out　again。　Why；　my　dear　boy；　when　I　went　toto

the　ovens；　I　had　a　circulation　of　a　million；　and　when　I　came

back　that　woman　had　brought　it　down　to　eight　copies；　seven　of

which　have　already　been　returned。　　All　in　ten　days；　too。〃



〃How　do　you　account　for　it？〃　I　asked。



〃'Side　Talks　with　Men'　helped；　and　'The　Man's　Corner'　did

a　little；　but　the　editorial　page　did　the　most　of　it。　It　was

given　over　wholly　to　the　advancement　of　certain　Xanthippian

ideas；　which　were　very　offensive　to　my　women　readers；　and

which　found　no　favor　among　the　men。　She　wants　to　change　the

whole　social　structure。　She　thinks　men　and　women　are　the　same

kind　of　animal；　and　that　both　need　to　be　educated　on　precisely

the　same　linesthe　girls　to　be　taught　business；　the　boys

to　go　through　a　course　of　domestic　training。　She　called　for

subscriptions　for　a　cooking…school　for　boys；　and　demanded　the

endowment　of　a　commercial　college　for　girls；　and　wound　up　by

insisting　upon　a　uniform　dress　for　both　sexes。　I　tell　you；

if　you'd　worked　for　years　to　establish　a　dignified　newspaper

the　way　I　have；　it　would　have　broken　your　heart　to　see　the

suggested　fashion…plates　that　woman　printed。　The　uniform　dress

was　a　holy　terror。　　It　was　a　combination　of　all　the　worst

features　of　modern　garb。　Trousers　were　to　be　universal　and

compulsory；　sensible　masculine　coats　were　discarded　entirely；

and　puffed…sleeved　dress…coats　were　substituted。　　Stiff　collars

were　abolished　in　favor　of　ribbons；　and　rosettes　cropped　up

everywhere。　Imagine　it　if　you　canand　everybody　in　all　Hades

was　to　be　forced　into　garments　of　that　sort！〃



〃I　should　enjoy　seeing　it；〃　I　said。



〃Possiblybut　you　wouldn't　enjoy　wearing　it；〃　retorted

the　machine。　　〃And　then　that　woman's　funny　columnit　was

frightful。　You　never　saw　such　jokes　in　your　life；　every　one

of　them　contained　a　covert　attack　upon　man。　There　was　only

one　good　thing　in　it；　and　that　was　a　bit　of　verse　called

'Fair　Play　for　the　Little　Girls。'　It　went　like　this：



　　　　〃'If　little　boys；　when　they　are　young；

　　　　　　　　Can　go　about　in　skirts；

　　　　And　wear　upon　their　little　backs

　　　　　　　　Small　broidered　girlish　shirts；

　　　　Pray　why　cannot　the　little　girls；

　　　　　　　　When　infants；　have　a　chance

　　　　To　toddle　on　their　little　ways

　　　　　　　　In　little　pairs　of　pants？'〃





〃That　isn't　at　all　bad；〃　said　I；　smiling　in　spite　of　poor

Boswell's　woe。　〃If　the　rest　of　the　paper　was　on　a　par　with

that　I　don't　see　why　the　circulation　fell　off。〃



〃Well；　she　took　liberties；　that's　all；〃　said　Boswell。　〃For

instance；　in　her　'Side　Talks　with　Men'　she　had　something

like　this：　'Napoleon　It　is　rather　difficult　to　say　just

what　you　can　do　with　your　last　season's　cocked…hat。　If　you

were　to　purchase　five　yards　of　one…inch　blue　ribbon；　cut　it

into　three　strips　of　equal　length；　and　fasten　one　end　to　each

of　the　three　corners　of　the　hat；　tying　the　other　ends　into　a

choux；　it　would　make　a　very　acceptable　work…basket　to　send　to

your　g