the enchanted typewriter-第8部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！



choux；　it　would　make　a　very　acceptable　work…basket　to　send　to

your　grandmother　at　Christmas。'　Now　Napoleon　never　asked　that

woman　for　advice　on　the　subject。　Then　there　was　an　answer　to

a　purely　fictitious　inquiry　from　Solomon　which　read：　'It　all

depends　on　local　custom。　In　Salt　Lake　City；　and　in　London　at

the　time　of　Henry　the　Eighth；　it　was　not　considered　necessary

to　be　off　with　the　old　love　before　being　on　with　the　new；　but

latterly　the　growth　of　monopolistic　ideas　tends　towards　the

uniform　rate　of　one　at　a　time。'　A　purely　gratuitous　fling；　that

was；　at　one　of　my　most　eminent　patrons；　or　rather　two　of　them；

for　latterly　both　Solomon　and　Henry　the　Eighth　have　yielded　to

the　tendency　of　the　times　and　gone　into　business；　which　they

have　paid　me　well　to　advertise。　Solomon　has　established　an

'Information　Bureau；'　where　advice　can　always　be　had　from　the

'Wise…man；'　as　he　calls　himself；　on　payment　of　a　small　fee；

while　Henry；　taking　advantage　of　his　superior　equipment　over

any　English　king　that　ever　lived；　has　founded　and　liberally

advertised　his　'Chaperon　Company　（Limited）。'　　It's　a　great

thing　even　in　Hades　for　young　people　to　be　chaperoned　by　an

English　queen；　and　Henry　has　been　smart　enough　to　see　it；　and

having　seven　or　eight　queens；　all　in　good　standing；　he　has　been

doing　a　great　business。　Just　look　at　it　from　a　business　point

of　view。　There　are　seven　nights　in　every　week；　and　something

going　on　somewhere　all　the　time；　and　queens　in　demand。　With　a

queen　quoted　so　low　as　100　a　night；　Henry　can　make　nearly　5000

a　week；　or　260；000　a　year；　out　of　evening　chaperonage　alone；

and　when；　in　addition　to　this；　yachting…parties　up　the　Styx　and

slumming…parties　throughout　the　country　are　being　constantly

given；　the　man's　opportunity　to　make　half　a　million　a　year　is

in　plain　sight。　I'm　told　that　he　netted　over　500；000　last

year；　and　of　course　he　had　to　advertise　to　get　it；　and　this

Xanthippe　woman　goes　out　of　her　way　to　get　in　a　nasty　little

fling　at　one　of　my　mainstays　for　his　matrimonial　propensities。〃



〃Failing　utterly　to　see；〃　said　I；　〃that；　in　marrying　so　many

times；　Henry　really　paid　a　compliment　to　her　sex　which　is

without　parallel　in　royal　circles。〃



〃Well；　nearly　so；〃　said　Boswell。　〃There　have　been　other　kings

who　were　quite　as　complimentary　to　the　ladies；　but　Henry　was

the　only　man　among　them　who　insisted　on　marrying　them　all。〃



〃True；〃　said　I。　〃Henry　was　eminently　properbut　then　he　had

to　be。〃



〃Yes；〃　said　Boswell；　with　a　meditative　tap　on　the　letter

Y。　〃Yes　he　had　to　be。　He　was　the　head　of　the　Church；

you　know。〃



〃I　know　it；〃　I　put　in。　〃I've　always　had　a　great　deal　of　sympathy

for　Henry。　He　has　been　very　much　misjudged　by　posterity。　He

was　the　father　of　the　really　first　new　woman；　Elizabeth；

and　his　other　daughter；　Mary；　was　such　a　vindictive　person。〃



〃You　are　a　very　fair　man；　for　an　American；〃　said　Boswell。　〃Not

only　fair；　but　rare。　You　think　about　things。〃



〃I　try　to；〃　said　I；　modestly。　〃And　I've　really　thought　a　great

deal　about　Henry；　and　I've　truly　seen　a　valid　reason　for　his

continuous　matrimonial　performances。　He　set　himself　up　against

the　Pope；　and　he　had　to　be　consistent　in　his　antagonism。〃



〃He　did；　indeed；〃　said　Boswell。　〃A　religious　discussion　is　a

hard　one。〃



〃And　Henry　was　consistent　in　his　opposition；〃　said　I。　〃He

didn't　yield　a　jot　on　any　point；　and　while　a　great　many

people　criticise　him　on　the　score　of　his　wivesparticularly

on　their　numberI　feel　that　I　have　in　very　truth　discovered

his　principle。〃



〃Which　was？〃　queried　Boswell。



〃That　the　Pope　was　wrong　in　all　things；〃　said　I。



〃So　he　said；〃　commented　Boswell。



〃And　being　wrong　in　all　things；　celibacy　was　wrong；〃　said　I。



〃Exactly；〃　ejaculated　Boswell。



〃Well；　then；〃　said　I；　〃if　celibacy　is　wrong；　the　surest　way

to　protest　against　it　is　to　marry　as　many　times　as　you　can。〃



〃By　Jove！〃　said　Boswell；　tapping　the　keys　yearningly；　as

though　he　wished　he　might　spare　his　hand　to　shake　mine；

〃you　are　a　man　after　my　own　heart。〃



〃Thanks；　old　chap；〃　said　I；　reaching　out　my　hand　and　shaking

it　in　the　air　with　my　visionary　friend〃thanks。　I've　studied

these　things　with　some　care；　and　I've　tried　to　find　a　reason　for

everything　in　life　as　I　know　it。　I　have　always　regarded　Henry　as

a　moral　manas　is　natural；　since　in　spite　of　all　you　can　say

he　is　the　real　head　of　the　English　Church。　He　wasn't　willing

to　be　married　a　second　or　a　seventh　time　unless　he　was　really

a　widower。　He　wasn't　as　long　in　taking　notice　again　as　some

modern　widowers　that　I　have　met；　but　I　do　not　criticise　him　on

that　score。　I　merely　attribute　his　record　to　his　kingly　nature；

which　involves　necessarily　a　quickness　of　decision　and　a　decided

perception　of　the　necessities　which　is　sadly　lacking　in　people

who　are　born　to　a　lesser　station　in　life。　England　demanded　a

queen；　and　he　invariably　met　the　demand；　which　shows　that　he

knew　something　of　political　economy　as　well　as　of　matrimony；　and

as　I　see　it；　being　an　American；　a　man　needs　to　know　something　of

political　economy　to　be　a　good　ruler。　So　many　of　our　statesmen

have　acquired　a　merely　kindergarten　knowledge　of　the　science；

that　we　have　had　many　object…lessons　of　the　disadvantages　of

a　merely　elementary　knowledge　of　the　subject。　To　come　right

down　to　it；　I　am　a　great　admirer　of　Henry。　At　any　rate；　he

had　the　courage　of　his　heart…convictions。〃



〃You　really　surprise　me；〃　tapped　Boswell。　〃I　never　expected

to　find　an　American　so　thoroughly　in　sympathy　with　kings　and

their　needs。〃



〃Oh；　as　for　that；〃　said　I；　〃in　America　we　are　all　kings　and　we

are　not　without　our　needs；　matrimonial　and　otherwise；　only　our

courts　are　not　quite　so　expeditious　as　Henry's　little　axe。　But

what　was　Henry's　attitude　towards　this　extraordinary　flight

of　Xanthippe's？〃



〃Wrath；〃　said　Boswell。　〃He　was　very　much　enraged；　and　withdrew

his　advertisements；　declined　to　give　our　society　reporters

the　usual　accounts　of　the　functions　his　wives　chaperoned；

and；　worst　of　all；　has　withdrawn　himself　and　induced　others

to　withdraw　from　the　symposium　I　was　preparing　for　my　special

Summer　Girls'　issue；　which　is　to　appear　in　August；　on　'How

Men　Propose。'　He　and　Brigham　Young　and　Solomon　and　Bonaparte

had　agreed　to　dictate　graphic　accounts　of　how　they　had　done

it　on　various　occasions；　and　Queen　Elizabeth；　who　probably

had　more　proposals　to　the　square　minute　that　any　other　woman

on　record；　was　to　write　the　introduction。　　This　little　plan；

which　was　really　the　idea　of　genius；　is　entirely　shattered　by

Mrs。　Socrates's　infernal　interference。〃



〃Nonsense；〃　said　I。　〃Don't　despair。　Why　don't　you　come　out

with　a　plain　statement　of　the　facts？　Apologize。〃



〃You　forget；　my　dear　sir；〃　interposed　Boswell；　〃that　one　of

the　fundamental　principles　of　Hades　as　an　institution　is　that

excuses　don't　count。　It　isn't　a　place　for　repentance　so　much

as　for　expiation；　and　I　might　apologize　nine　times　a　minute

for　forty　years　and　would　still　have　to　suffer　the　penalty

of　the　offence。　　No；　there　is　nothing　to　be　done　but　to　begin

my　newspaper　work　again；　build　up　again　the　institution　that

Xanthippe　has　destroyed；　and　bear　my　misfortunes　like　a　true

spirit。〃



〃Spoken　like　a　philosopher！〃　I　cried。　〃And　if　I　can　help　you；

my　dear　Boswell；　count　upon　me。　In　anything　you　may　do；　whether

you　start　a　monthly　magazine；　a　sporting　weekly；　or　a　purely

American　Sunday　newspaper；　you　are　welcome　to　anything　I　can

do　for　you。〃



〃You　are　very　kind；〃　returned　Boswell；　appreciatively；　〃and　if　I

need　your　services　I　shall　be　glad　to　avail　myself　of　them。　Just

at　present；　however；　my　plans　are　so　fully　prepared　that　I　do

not　think　I　shall　have　to　call　upon　you。　With　Sherlock　Holmes

engaged　to　write　twelve　new　detective　stories；　Poe　to　look

after　my　tales　of　horror；　D'Artagnan　dictating　his　personal

memoirs；　Lucretia　Borgia　running　my　Girls'　Department；　and

others　too　numerous　to　mention；　I　have　a　sufficient　supply　of

stuff　to　fill　up；　but　if　you　feel　like　writing　a　few　poems　for

me　I　may　be　able　to　use　them　as　fillers；　and　they　may　help　to

make　your　name　so　well　known　in　Hades　that　next　year　I　shall

be　able　to　print　a　Worldly　Letter　from　you　every　week　with　a

good　chance　of　its　proving　popular。〃



And　with　this　promise　Boswell　left　me　to　get　out　the　first

number　of　The　Cimmerian：　a　Sunday　Magazine　for　all。　Taking

him　at　his　word；　I　sent　him　the　following　poem　a　few　days　later：





　　　　LOCALITY



　　　　Whither　do　we　drift；

　　　　Insensate　souls；　whose　every　breath

　　　　Foretells　the　doom　of　nothingness？

　　　　Yet　onward；　upward　let　it　be

　　　　Through　all　the　myriad　circles

　　　　Of　the　ensuing　years

　　　　And　then；　pray　what？

　　　　Alas！　'tis　all；　and　never　shall　be　stated。

　　　　Atoms；　yet　atomless　we　drift；

　　　　But　whitherward？





I　had　intended　this　for　one　of　our　leading　magazines；　but　it

seemed　so　to　lack　the　mystical　quality；　which　is　essential

to　a　successful　magazine　poem　in　our　sphere；　that　I　deemed　it

best　to　try　it　on　Boswell。









VI



THE　BOSWELL　TOURS：　PERSONALLY　CONDUCTED









It　was　and　will　no　doubt　be　considered；　even　by　those　who

are　not　too　friendly　towards　myself；　a　daring　idea；　and　it

was　all　my　own。　　One　night；　several　weeks　after　the　interview

with　Boswell　just　narrated；　the　idea　came　to　me　simultaneously

with　the　first　tapping　of　the　keys　for　the　evening　upon　the

Enchanted　Type…Writer。　It　was　Boswell's　touch　that　summoned

me　from　my　divan。　My　family　were　on　the　eve　of　departure　for

a　month's　rest　from　care　and　play　in　the　mountains；　and　I　was

looking　forward　to　a　period　of　very　great　loneliness。　But　as

Boswell　materialized　and　began　his　work　upon　the　machine；　the

great　idea　flashed　across　my　mind；　and　I　resolved　to　〃play　it〃

for　all　it　was　worth。



〃Jim；〃　said　I；　as　I　approached　the　vacant　chair　in　which　he

sat　for　by　this　tim